Manny Yarbrough (Not Sherman Klump)

Credentials: North American Sumo Champion, world's fattest living pro athlete according to Guinness Book of World Records (insert Oliver Miller joke here).

Morbid Curiosity: watching Shaq use speed and finesse to score from the perimeter on this guy could be a bigger exercise in futility than the dog licking peanut butter off its nose.

Downside: Manny could quite possibly be the second most confused black man in the country .

Yokozuna

Upside: Has the courtesy to wear tights underneath his Sumo diaper. Kobe-style.

Why Shaq Would Kick His Ass: Lost to Hulk Hogan in under a minute at Wrestlemania 9; proof that Yokozuna has huge problems with inarticulate, slow moving egomaniacs. Was subsequently tagged as a marshmallowy wuss, something Shaq has no shortage of experience with. Oh, and he's dead.

E. Honda from Street Fighter 2

Shaq Who?: E. Honda's typical opponent can either fly, teleport or shoot a fireball at his head . Shaq may be a master of Shaq Fu, but Mehmet Okur's quickness gives him fits. After fending off a hurricane kick from a hot ass-kicking Chinese chick with ridiculous hips , E. Honda observes Shaq's glacier-like drop step and sighs in boredom.

They're Not So Different: Kazaam and Street Fighter are among the 100 worst movies of all time. Officially!

Rikishi

Sweet Redemption for Kobe: Probably the most horrifying match finisher since Jake "The Snake" Roberts's python, Rikishi rubs his bare, sweaty ass in the face of his defeated opponent.

Another Reason Why We Wouldn't Enjoy This: There's a good chance Rikishi would challenge Shaq to a dance-off beforehand , complete with "The Worm" and "The Electric Slide".

Fat Bastard

Highly unlikely. We all know Shawn Kemp has been out of the league since 2003.