In an effort to bolster their team image, the Portland Trailblazers are now offering electronic greeting cards. I stumbled across these things while researching crappy player Ha Seung Jin, and let me just tell you that my funny bone was in no way ready for this:

That's...great. I'm, uh, thinking of you too.
I don't know why they did it. Were they trying to make children cry, or did they just want to make it very clear that Ha's sitting around thinking about complete strangers? A mildly obsessive and borderline psychotic tag line, a close-up of a half-dead mutant basketball player staring listlessly out into our very souls...it's like East German surrealistic filmmaking crossed with the production values of a local used car commercial.

While cards like the one above serve only to frighten and disturb us, others try help us celebrate the holidays. And nothing can say "Happy Valentine's Day" any better than a pissed-off looking Zach Randolph surrounded by hearts and holding out a pot of flowers.

Zach is not feeling the love.
Still others, like this one staring Bo Outlaw, are just insane. I can only assume that the photographer either 1) paid Bo a lot of money, 2) got him very drunk, or 3) used some kind of Tiki Curse.

Career move...or Tiki Curse?
I searched through most of the other team sites at NBA.com and, fortunately, it appears that this greeting card gimmick isn't catching on. Although I did find one more horrific card with Scot Pollard from his Sacramento days:

Holy sweet merciful Jesus.