As if the scoreboard wasn't bad enough, LeBron's next punishment would be more severe

 Zombie DeAndre Jordan auditions for a Thriller reboot

 Roy Williams hears from the Magic Vice President what Orlando received for Dwight Howard

"You can give me back the keys to the city well as the script for Kazaam II"

 Pau just found out who the Lakers have for their "bench mob"

"You make a sharp left down the hallway and keep going until you can only make a right.  That's the exit"

Miami cHeat:  Well, that was fast.

Less than 48 hours after dismantling their biggest rival in the East, the Heat were actually hoping to skip the game at New York thanks to the hurricane.  According to Wade:

"If we're in a car and we're in traffic for three hours, what are other people who are really affected by this, what are they doing? How are they getting around, how are they moving, et cetera?" Wade said. "So it was just like, come on man, we shouldn't be here to play a basketball game.  If anything we should be here to do something to help the city."

Judging by the scoreboard, the Heat clearly took Wade's advice.  

In a complete role reversal from last year's playoffs. It was those pesky Knicks who stormed out to a 33-17 first quarter lead with Carmelo going off for just as many points (16) in the period than the entire Heat team.

As if committing 21 turnovers wasn't bad enough (not even counting Norris Cole's hairdo) the Heat allowed Steve Novak to rip them for 17 points off the bench.  He outscored Shane Battier, Mike Miller, Ray Allen, and Udonis Haslem combined.

"Right from the get-go you could tell there was a difference in energy, disposition, quickness to the ball (on) both ends of the court," Heat coach Erik Spoelstra said. "They played a very good basketball game. Got us on our heels pretty much the whole game and we weren't able to recover from there. We have to move on. We're clearly much better than this, but we prefer to show it only once a week to make the rest of the East feel like they have a chance."

You know who's really loving the Heat loss?

This guy:

Minneapolis Lakers:  *Deep breath*

In the battle of Los Angeles we had the best team in LA take the court.

And then we had the Lakers.

It wasn't pretty to say the least.  And we're not talking about Lamar Odom's wife either.

The Clippers used what will probably be the Lakers kryptonite this season by destroying them with both speed and athleticism.  Garnering a lead that ballooned to as many as 17, the Lakers let Chris Paul (18 points, 15 assists...more assists than the entire Lakers team) rip them a new one as he seems to really thrive against the PG defense the Lakers have thrown at him over the years.  So far its been Derek Fisher (turnpike), Steve Blake (traffic cone), and Steve Nash (walking red carpet to the rim).

Hell, the Lakers even made Matt Barnes look like an NBA player.

The Lakers shot 50% from the floor, and really their offense hasn't been the problem.  Their D is just atrocious.  The whole point of hiring Mike Brown was to boost the Lakers defense, but just getting them to keep their opponents under 100 and trying NOT to lead the league in turnovers (a whopping 20 per game) seems to be a huge mission in itself.

That's 11 straight losses if you want to be a jerk and include the preseason.

The Lakers haven't officially won a game in over 160 days.  Things have gotten so bad that even the Bobscraps have overtaken them in the league standings.

"    "We need a win, obviously," Lakers coach Mike Brown said. "I'm not trying to fool anyone here, I mean outside of having people think we’re actually trying to run plays out there. That's part of the reason Kobe played the minutes he played, which is too many.  Hopefully I can find somebody soon who actually knows how to monitor that."

So, Kobe Bryant, when is it time to push the panic button on this grand experiment?

"Now," he said, according to the AP.

This was the scene from the Laker fans at Staples Center last night:

Bryant logged 43 minutes on his bruised foot. While soaking it in ice after the game, he said it "felt like it's about to fall off."

With Nash injured and the bench not looking any better, the 2005 2012 Lakers could be in for a long season if they don't get some chemistry soon.

The Lakers are 0-3 for the first time in 34 years.  I wonder if this was what Metta World Peace had in mind when he wanted the Lakers to snatch records by going 73-9.

Don't worry Metta...if you guys go 73-6 the rest of the way, you can still do it!

Boston Celtics: I totally understand losing to Miami because you know, they're actually good.

But Milwaukee?! On your home opener? Getting down by 22 points to a team whose star player Monta Ellis goes just 6-22.  Did I even mention that Milwaukee hasn't won an opening game in over 6 years?

"I don't like our urgency yet," Celtics coach Doc Rivers said. "When you watch us play, I don't like how we're approaching the games. And until we (improve) that, we're going to struggle. I'm not sure who is responsible for game preparation, but we'll get the bastard soon"

Garnett and Pierce combined for a whopping 9-25 from the floor getting the Celtics blown out of the gym before making the score looks respectable enough to be allowed back home with a 88-99 loss.

Toblas Harris (great first name bro) went 8-11 from the field in a pretty efficient 33 minutes and Brandon Jennings had his Every Other Month I Will Have a Memorable Performance Before I Go Back to Shooting 35% From the Floor game with 21 points, 13 assists, and 6 steals.

"We have a lot of new people, a lot of guys trying to get adjusted," said Jason Terry, who signed in the offseason as a free agent from the Dallas Mavericks. "It's going to take a while, but to get outworked is definitely unacceptable."

Terry was promptly notified that the Lakers had already used those exact same words 11 times in the past month.

Finally, I don't even know how to begin to comment/caption this:

Indiana Pacers:  It's one thing to barely scrape by the skin of your teeth and have to rally against a lowly Craptors team on opening night.  It's another to lose to a team who have lost 23 games in a row (dating back to last season) and put up one of the most futile NBA seasons in history.

The Bobscraps haven't felt this elated in months.


Kemba Walker decided to actually show up this NBA season and posted 30 points.  So that's how you win a game.

"It was something that was in the back of all of our heads." Walker said. "We didn't want that streak to keep on with us, so to get it over with now was extremely important.  The worst was when we were trying to pick up chicks at clubs by telling them we were NBA players only for them to ask what team we played for. But now that it's over we don't ever want to get to that point again."

While the Bobscraps won, they still kept some of their more umm Bobscrap tendencies.  For example, they still managed to shoot a measly (or perhaps for them average) 36% from the floor...and still won.

Which goes to show just how awful the Pacers truly were on this night.  Not even getting 40% from the floor in their shooting, the Pacers found Green, Hill, George, and Augustin combine for 11-39.  Did they put on Charlotte jerseys on accident or something?

Newbie Coach Mike Dunlap was so excited for the win he stopped making sense:

"The most important thing was to kill the elephant and that elephant was that losing streak. We had to get that off of everybody's back. It's just one of those marks you want to clean off the board."

Wasn't it supposed to be getting the monkey off your back, not the elephant?  Though I guess when you lose 23 games in a row, that monkey probably grew into an elephant.


Denver Nuggets:  There was a lot of hoopla over the Nuggets bringing over Andre Iguodala who would bring both instant offense and defense to a team that was building upon an already solid core.

But then the season started, and the Nuggets managed to have just as many wins as the Craptors.  Playing the Miami Heat, who were coming off a loss to the Knicks, the Nuggets were looking to steal a game in Miami.

And you know what, for 47 minutes and 55 seconds it looked like that was going to happen.

And then Ray Allen and a 4 point play (!) happened:

To make matters worse, the Nuggets had a 47-32 rebounding advantage, shot 50% from the floor and had stellar shooting nights from AI (9-15), Andre Miller (8-10) and Kenneth Faried (11-15).

All the right recipes for a win against the Heat unless you factor in that they allowed Bosh to have a career high 40 points to go along with letting Ray Allen go buck wild. Especially on that last play.  Maybe the Nuggets were trying to recreate Westbrook's defense on Parker the other night.

"Right now we just need to get a win," Nuggets coach George Karl said. "This would have been a great win for us. It would have salvaged the trip. It doesn't feel good. It never feels good." 

But I'm sure George Karl is used to it.

Oh, and let's not forget Dino Gallinari who managed an Antoine Walker-esque 3-17 from the field.  At what point do you decide to oh I don't know, pass the ball to any of the 5 teammates who managed to shoot 60% and over from the floor?

To really bring out the facepalm in this game, the Nuggets even let Dino take the final shot.

Not to post any spoilers but he shot a fallaway 3 at least 6 feet behind the 3 point line and managed to get what he was getting all night.

Nothing but rim.

I guess it's only fitting that he would be named after an extinct species. 

Los Angeles Flippers:  One night you're the kings of LA, beating down your crosstown the hall rivals and then the next you're down 16 to the Warriors on your own turf.

The Clippers were able to make a run (only to choke it away) but how you allow yourself to get outrebounded 33-48, while having the Warriors gift your their starting guards Thompson and Curry combining for 12-32 on the night and blow what should have been a winnable game is beyond me.

To add to the Bawfulness of this game, 63 total fouls were handed out for a whopping 81 free throws.

This game was so bizarre that Chris Paul managed 27 points off of just 3 made field goals.  I don't know if that's efficient or just downright sickening.

Blake Griffin who manages a free throw percentage (53) well below Eddy Curry's waistline went 11-16 from the line.

"It's obviously very frustrating, but you've got to give them props. They did a good job," Griffin said. "They came down and made shots, they executed, they got stops and hit free throws. All the things we never bothered to learn. We turned it on a little too late, and that's something we've got to learn from. Adversity is going to come, and it's important to see how we respond to it."

Griffin then looked over at the sideline, saw Vinny D, and began to cry.  Reporters were instantly ushered out of the locker room.

Speaking of Griffin, it looks like everyone in the NBA is coming down on him for embellishing:

 "Stop Flopping!"

The Clippers were trying to go 3-0 for just the fifth time in 34 years.  But like all things in Clipperland, if it's too good to be probably isn't.

The sad thing is, the Clippers may not even have the worst coach in LA anymore.

Charlotte Bobscraps:  After a uhh...gritty win against the Pacers, the Bobcats looked to build on snapping a 23 game losing streak.

But instead they were exactly who we thought we were and found themselves getting absolutely pummeled by a Dirk-less Mavs team 99-126.

The ThunderlessCats shot just 42% from the floor and a delightful 17% from 3 point land.  Their center Byron Mullen managed to go 7-18.  All 18 shots were within 5 feet of the basket, mind you.

Dallas managed to nail 16 three balls, despite committing 22 turnovers.  But hey, when you're playing the Bobcats your margin of error is very very wide.

"It was a wonderful first half," Charlotte coach Mike Dunlap said. "But unfortunately in the third quarter we gave up 36 points, so we hang our hat on our defense so we know where to start."

Yes, let's hang our hat on giving up 126 points for the night.

Your 2012 Charlotte Bobcats.  Only 23 consecutive losses left to go!

Chicago Bulls:  I get that they are still without Derrick Rose, but when you face an Anthony Davis-less Hornets team at really ought to get the win.

The Bulls managed to shoot 33% from the floor allowing the hornets to build a 10 point lead in the second half.

Carlos Boozer and Kirk Hinrich managed to go 1-8 from the field with Richard Hamilton trying to keep up by going 2-10.  Maybe Richard Hamilton really is Old Man River.

When you lose by 7 and manage to go 3-17 from downtown something tells me you're just begging for a loss.

Consider the Bulls' wish granted.

Toronto Craptors:  Boy, these guys sure do love showing up on this blog.  Facing a revamped Brooklyn team the Raptors actually managed a 9 point lead in the first half before remembering who they were and allowing the Nets to rip off a 33-17 run in the second quarter.

Toronto's 40 Million dollar man Landry Fields managed to go 1-4 for a glorious 2 points.  His dollar per basket ratio must be Forbes worthy.

Remember Jonas Valanciunas?  Me either, but the Raptors took him with the fifth pick in the 2011 draft, and hailed him as the second coming.  This was all to watch him go 1-4 from the field for 2 points.

Speaking of hyped new additions, the Nets own Deron Williams (6-14) and the guy who has nearly tripled Landry Fields absurd contract - Joe Johnson (5-13) really gave the Nets a whole lot to cheer about.  This to go along with Gerald Wallace suffering yet another injury.

Had Brook Lopez not gotten 15 free throws, who knows how this game would have ended.

"Let's just start with the fact that we're in Brooklyn now and it's a big difference," Joe Johnson said. "You saw the crowd tonight, even under the circumstances. Not only did we have a sellout, they were into the game.  When I was in Atlanta they used to pay the fans to attend the games.  Even then, my mother refused to show up"

As for the Raptors, they are already 0-2 despite all the changes they tried to make this past offseason to get into the playoffs.  But trust them to be completely insane about what is actually going on.  

Check out this golden nugget from Jose Calderon:

"We've had two games in which we've been in the same situation, playing really well at times and then we fall behind. But we've fought hard against Indiana and the Brooklyn Nets, which are going to be two of the best teams in the Eastern Conference. That gives us a lot of confidence," guard Jose Calderon said.

Something tells me that when Calderon printed out his Eastern Conference Standings list, his printer ran out of ink if it listed Indiana and Brooklyn at the top.

I wonder if Bryan Colangelo already has his lottery suit picked out.

Something tells me he does.  Along with another soft Euro.


His friends did this to him while he was asleep....on elephant tranquilizers

Kobe and Princess Jasmine take in the scene at Staples

The Hawks celebrate baskets by recreating Robert Horry's hipcheck

 Greg Stiemsma wishes he could dunk like that

Philadelphia 1776ers:  Another team with promising hopes heading into the season, and yet we find another team that looks to stumble right out of the gates.

The Sixers strolled into MSG hoping to have more road wins than Andrew Bynum has points this season, but the Knicks went on another hot 3 ball streak (hit 11 of them) to set the Sixers back to well....1776 by demolishing them 100-84.  

Evan Turner went 2-9 only for Nick Young to do him one better by doing his best JR Smith imitation with a 2-10 night.

The Sixers managed to have just as many turnovers (18) as assists (14) and judging by their poor shooting night (42% from the floor) they can only hope Bynum comes back sooner than later.

Going by his injury history they could be waiting a while.

As for the Knicks, they're 2-0 for the first time in 13 years, and have beaten both Miami and Philly by a combined 36 points.  Remember this moment folks, because a month from now I'll be very curious to see what direction the Knicks are going in.

Carmelo had another solid night at the office with 27 points and was even *gasp* hustling for loose balls!

"It's really contagious when you see your star player going out there, diving in the crowd, giving up open shots, going for loose balls. It really filters throughout the team," JR Smith said. "So as long as he keeps doing it, I think everybody won't have a problem watching him do it because we don't want to get our white uniforms dirty."

Minnesota Timberwolves:  Oh boy, still reeling from losing Rubio late last season it looks like winter came early for Minny this year with the early injury to Kevin Love during the preseason (out 6 weeks).

But what better way to bring sunlight into a dim locker room than by playing the Raptors which usually leads to an automatic win for 80% of the league's teams.

Sadly, the Raptors had other ideas...

Forcing the Timberpups into 24 turnovers (16 in the first half alone) the Raps were able to capitalize with 32 points off those TO's.

Brandon Roy was guilty as charged with 5 giveaways himself.

"I just couldn't get a grip on that ball," Roy said. "I know it sounds simple but I took a couple of dribbles and the thing was just flying out of my hands. No excuses, just too many turnovers."

Perhaps he should stick to using chalk like LeBron instead of putting his own twist with vaseline.

The Wolves got murdered 85-106 and had they not gotten nearly twice as many free throws as the Raptors it probably would have been a lot uglier.

As for the Wolves, there are some rumors going around that the club is racist thanks to having a team made up of mostly white players

"Day One, we were all in the elevator and I kind of looked up," Dante Cunningham said about a crowded ride with many of his new teammates, "and I was just like, 'Where is everybody?' "

Everybody, in this case, being black teammates. Come opening night on Friday, Cunningham will be one of five black players on a 15-man Wolves team that has reversed the National Basketball Association's historical racial percentages with a roster that is the league's whitest since the Boston Celtics teams of the 1980s according to the Star Tribune.

I scoffed at the notion of the Wolves being a racist team until I saw their new logo for the 2012-13 season:

Detroit Pistons:  Well you knew the Lakers had to get their win somehow.  And what better way to do that than having roadkill show up at their doorstep in the form of your 2012 Detroit Pistons featuring mostly fringe NBA players and half the local YMCA.

The Pistons shot 35% from the floor and managed 16 turnovers to a Lakers team that actually thought to show up on the defensive end.

"We had to stop the bleeding, and there wasn't a way to do it other than coming out here tonight and getting a solid win," said Pau Gasol, who scored 14 points. "We've got a little bit of tension out of ourselves right now.  Better to relive tension on the court rather than Steve Blake's Costa Rica photos"

Think Mike Brown wasn't ecstatic to get the win?

"It's a relief -- more for Mike than anybody else," said Bryant, who appeared to play easily on his sore foot while taking just 10 shots and grabbing seven rebounds.

As for the Pistons, their starting 5 combined for 11-39 from the floor while their "star" player Rodney Stuckey is in the slump of the century going 1-23 in total this season (that's just one more field goal in the NBA than you have folks).

"We just had no rhythm and we had no flow," said Tayshaun Prince, who borrowed a quote that also rang true from his prom night.

OKC Blunder:   Well on the upside Kevin Martin is actually looking solid with 28 points in just 30 minutes in play...but dropping a home game this early in the season, and to the Hawks no less isn't boding well for the Thunder so far.

The Hawks turned up the heat by holding OKC to just 21 points in the fourth as they were the ones who surprisingly had all the poise and big shots down the stretch for a 104-95 win.

I will give you one guess as to who really botched things up for the Thunder....

*drum roll*

Russell Westbrook!  The Guy Who OKC Should Have Traded (as he is quickly becoming known as around the league) went a glorious 5-18 on the night and just killed the Thunder probably more than anything the Hawks in particular were doing.  

The Thunder had a sloppy in game in total with 21 turnovers leading to 31 points for Atlanta.

"I wish I could have had a couple of those turnovers back," said Durant, who has 20 assists and 16 turnovers in three games this season.  "And that Russell would actually learn what the words 'stop shooting' mean"

Things have to get worse before they can better, and Durant has been on a rebounding tear this season (15.5 per game, tops in the league).  However, you have to hope the Thunder can shore up their D as dropping games like these at home shouldn't be happening for a team contending to come out of the West.  It's still early, but definitely something to keep an eye on.

Blogger Dan B. said...
I feel like I am going to be on some kind of FBI watch list for having that gif of those kids on my browsing history. Also the joke about the '05 Lakers was just beautiful. And I lost it at the TWolves logo.

Anonymous JJ said...
Oh Raza, how I missed your posts. God bless you.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Great post, kudos.

Blogger Glenn said...
Let's not jump to any conclusions over the new T-wolves logo. After all, it's pretty cold up there. Maybe they just prefer hoods that are pointy.

Anonymous Half-Man Half-Dead said...
Nice work!

Regarding that Griffin pic - It seems like for a split-second Blake is thinking about flopping to the refs push...

Blogger Raza said...
Thanks guys!

Anonymous Zac said...
I've been reading bawful for years and this is the best post in a long time... Good work Raza

Blogger Nida said...
Just caught up on your blog.. laughed out loud too many times to count! .. Keep at it!.. Love every minute of this... and if you can help me find that "Lebron is a Bitch" shirt, I'll be your best friend for life. kthanks.

Blogger Nida said...
Just caught up on your blog... laughed out loud too many times to count. Awesome work!... Keep at it!! ..and if you can help me find that "Lebron is a Bitch" shirt, I'll be your best friend for life! ;)