I sit down to the Celtics-Heat Game 5 fully expecting the Celtics to be eliminated tonight. With the humiliation of the Lakers still fresh in my mind (because ESPN refuses to let it go), I figure “Well, as long as they keep it close and don’t unleash any cheap shots at the end, they will retain some sort of integrity.”


Apparently integrity consists of failing to execute down the stretch (your supposed strength) and letting your opponent carve you up and finish the game on a 16-0 run. Yay integrity!


Pictured: Integrity.

Look at Shaq, there, sitting on the bench in his suit. It is reported that Shaq is upset because he feels like he let down his teammates and the city of Boston. Yup, sounds about right.


Inside Voice: "Does South Beach still have that Ben & Jerry's? And would it be open this late?"

Boy the Shaq saga has come a long way, hasn’t it? Remember the days when Celtics needed to bulk up in the middle to compete with teams like the Magic and the Lakers?


And remember all that fun Shaq was having, wooing the city of Boston with his antics, like being a statue in Harvard Square, and conducting the Boston pops? Hey, it was all good. Shaq was the final piece to take this team over the hump, right?


No worries. The REAL advantage this team has is at the point guard position. Rajon Rondo will carve up Mike Bibby, make him look silly.


Heck, Rondo couldn't even dominate Bibby when healthy, much less with one arm.



"Tis but a scratch."
"A scratch? Your arm's off!"

Ok, so game time. Here are some ET live blog bits and pieces:

1st quarter

The crowd boos Rondo the first time he handles the ball. Apparently, they disapprove of him playing through injury and/or having the nerve to let Dwayne Wade injure him. One of the two.

3:55 left in the first - Jermaine O’Neal straight to the locker room for treatment for his back. I’m actually excited about the possibility of seeing Krstik, a not-over-the-hill-or-injured-beyond-repair Celtics big man.

1:57 – Shot of Rondo lying on the floor, looking downtrodden. I can almost hear him wondering forlornly "I wonder how the Thunder are doing...sigh...sniff." Did you just imply that a guy playing through a recently dislocated elbow is some sort of wuss-bag? Oh no you didn't.

1:22 – Wade fights past Green for a rebound. Hits an obscene shot over his shoulder.

End of First - KG has 12 points, is 5 of 7.

Second Quarter

9:10 remaining – Mike Miller misses a gimme then taps in his own miss. It’s the first field goal from a non-big-three player on the Heat since the late third quarter of game 4. Wow. Guess you DON’T need balance to win games...

Interview drop in: Doc Rivers discussing whether the Lakers are "done" or "too old"...he says "If they’re too old, how old are we?” And speaking of the Lakers, behold how to fully and masterfully take advantage of a Kobe Bryant impression:

Wait, was this a dude doing an impression, or actually Kobe?

From this Press-Enterprise article (and it was on Sportscenter this morning):

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: "I think [my having a limited practice schedule because of off-season knee surgery] played a part in the fact that guys felt like they could take days off because I'm not there... And it's upsetting to me. They knew going in what my knee situation was, and we communicated that with them -- me not being able to practice and them having to pick up some of that responsibility in practice with the intensity and things of that nature...but at the same time, you can't use that as a crutch or an excuse, that because I wasn't out there, they didn't work as hard as they should."

Ah, just when you thought he wasn't a completely arrogant ass who can't keep things in the locker room where they belong. Oh wait, never thought that.

Back to the Game:

7:32 left in the second – Pierce nice move and lay up. This comes after two phenomenal D Wade plays. Reggie Miller says “Anything you can do, I can do better.” Really, Reggie? Way to lean on the vernacular there. How about "Anything you can do, I can do, but a little slower and not as good."

5:44 – Rondo one arm catch from Allen. One arm spin, one arm shot. Courageous. Not particularly dominating, but courageous. Hey Doc, could you take out Mr. Courageous and put in a healthy guy?

5:08 – Garnett and Wade get called for a double foul during a pick. Not sure what Wade did there, except take KGs elbow to his face. I do, however, know what KG did - piss off the best player on the floor. Bad idea.

3:44 – Rondo runs into James Jones with the bad arm. Looks like he's been shot with a bazooka. Or maybe I just like saying bazooka. And boobs. And Matlock.

3:23 – Rondo is not shooting...like at all. I agree with Reggie Miller that Rondo is hurting the team offensively.

1:44 – Pierce gets his third foul. Weak call.

Halftime - Celtics 49-45. Wade has 23 points, 5 rebounds, 3 steals. Zoinks.

Third Quarter

Hilarious, telling slow-motion shot of Pierce’s "What the hell are you doing?" face when Rondo passes him the ball...before they even reach half court. Me thinks Pierce is getting sick of his point guard - one arm or no.

8:40 – Pierce gets fourth foul. DVR review shows Pierce grabbed LeBron’s shirt. Dumb.

LeBron shoots a three on pierce, who has four fouls, instead of driving to the hoop. Basketball IQ: 2. Well, he hits it. So, basketball IQ goes up to 4. 54-52 Celtics.

8:12 – Allen hits a three while being fouled by Wade, 3rd foul. DVR step-by-step replay shows wade’s hand meets Allen’s hand after ball leaves. 4 point play. 58-52, Celtics. Ray Ray with 15 pts.

7:02 – In a phenomenal sequence showing how hurt Rondo really is, he squares to shoot twice with nobody within ten feet of him. Chooses to pass to pierce who bounces in a three. Celtics 63-57.

6:36 – James again takes a long jumper against Pierce, a defender with 4 fouls. Basketball IQ: 2. This time, he misses. IQ: 0. Apparently, basketball IQ not necessary to dominate when you're a dominating physical specimen. Know knew? The Heat, apparently.

Boston shooting 55% so far. And only up 6. Not a good sign.

5:10 – KG swats Howard, Bosh swats Pierce five seconds later. This is basketball! We’re not going down like the Lakers did! I mean, we’re going down, just not in quite the same manner as the Lakers did.

Fourth Quarter:

How about we just go with a canny visual depiction of the fourth quarter?


Bron Pose!

So the Heat won. And yeah, the Heat are saying all the right things. They're paying the Celtics some big time respect in the post-game conferences, and that's nice. But damn if they don't pepper their "all the right things" soundbytes with a lot of contrived BS here and there...

If I have to hear teenage coach Eric Spo say the phrase "It took a lot of time to develop our game" or "We've been through a lot of heartache" one more time, I'm going to scream. Hey, Eric - you know what "a lot of heartache" is to most players, teams, and coaches? Twenty years of frustration and defeat, not 6 games in January when you couldn't get your built-to-destroy-all-challengers-without-mercy team's shit together. But I guess hyperbole isn't limited to the Heat coach:


"Dear Lord, thank you for allowing me to overreact to winning in the second round of the NBA playoffs. Amen."

Ok, LeBron, we know you wanted to beat them. But don't try to deflect the hatred people feel for you onto them. To come out and say that your inspiration to come together on the Heat was the Celtics? Really? If that was the case, why are you just saying it now? You had plenty of opportunity to give the Celtics props throughout the season...why come up with this now? I'll tell you why, because you didn't think of it until now. You were having a nice dinner with D Wade last week and you turned to him and said: "Hey, you know that whole issue about everyone hating us? What if we go with this angle?" Come on, LeBron. You won. Congrats. Just enjoy it. But don't now try to pretend that what you did is what the Celtics did. Seriously.

So for all of those Heat-haters out there, perhaps we can look forward to some sort of Post-Celtic "We did it!" let-down, but I doubt it. We may be in for a long summer of having to watch LeBron and D Wade hold up the Larry O'Brien trophy in the Sportscenter victory montage. Oy.

Did I crown the Heat before they even started the Eastern Conference Finals? Yes.
Did I just jinx them? Hope so.

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Anonymous abusaud said...
Really? You can't write this without talking shit about the Lakers? How bitter are you? It's not the Lakers' fault your dumbass of a GM traded away Perkins (or is it? That "empower OKC to stop LA" theory was pretty prevalent during the trade window).

Blogger Brandon said...
"In a phenomenal sequence showing how hurt Rondo really is, he squares to shoot twice with nobody within ten feet of him. Chooses to pass to pierce who bounces in a three. Celtics 63-57."

What? Rondo did that when he was completely healthy. Teams routinely decide to not bother guarding him outside 15 feet.

Blogger stephanie g said...
I don't think this is the first time LeBron or another member of the Nazgul mentioned Boston as inspiration. Remember this KG quote to LeBron after they beat Cleveland last year?

"Loyalty is something that hurts you at times because you can't get youth back," Garnett said, adding that if he'd known how things would be when he got out to Boston, "I'd have done it a little sooner."

Focusing on a more important topic, Reggie Miller won't be calling anymore playoff games right? He is so fucking terrible. He's ruining important, potentially historical games for future generations. His slow talking English mangling frog voice is funny during the regular season, but the playoffs are when both players and announcers have to step their games up.

I still can't figure out if Miami basically just won the title or if they're doomed because Boston was sub-par after the Perkins trade (.500), had a one armed point guard, and was just old as hell, and Noah + Boozer are about to set some sort of post-merger NBA playoff teammate rebounding record. I still refuse to believe Miami can win it all with such a stunted, confused iso-dribble chuck contested 3s and hope they go in offense. It can't happen. The NBA gods will prevent it.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
"Whew, now that I can claim some success, okay I guess I can now apologize to you, Cleveland. My bads."

Anonymous Wouter said...
Nothing to do with the Celtics, although I'm really glad the Heat beat them, but how about a WOTN for Juwan Howard's Dr. J tattoo? Looks like my grandma put it on there. http://i51.tinypic.com/260vqxd.jpg

Blogger Evil Ted said...
abusaud - 99% of the Lakers bit was a sensationally done comedy video and a verbatim recount of what Kobe said. If that's "talking shit" so be it.

Brandon - Good point. Rondo has always hesitated, and perhaps it wasn't related to any fallout from the injury. That particular sequence, however, was as uncertain and powerless as I've ever seen Rondo look, and he was just fortunate to have Pierce bail him out with a three.

Steph - Not sure that I've seen anything even close to "the Celtics inspired us to do this" in past news, and based on the way it's being reported, I don't think anyone else has either.

As for Reggie Miller, I think the thing I find most upsetting about him is not that he's barely quotable enough to make fun of.

Anonymous TransINSANO said...
What do Kobe and the Lakers have to do with the Celtics losing? It's not 2010 anymore.

As for the 2011 "Big Three," that is to say the Miami Heat, forgive me for not giving up just because the supposedly mighty Celtics have fallen. The Heat still have to beat two very good teams that are likely better than this rundown Celtics squad. For example, the Mavs are a bad Finals match up for them in terms of chemistry, depth, and veteran experience, and Dallas went 2-0 against the Heat this season, beating them bad when they were slumping and even in Miami when the Heat were riding a 12 game winning streak. So, if the Heat can roll through the resilient Bulls and the Mavs or Thunder/Grizz, then the era of woe can begin as pure team basketball is completely overrun by the ring-hungry Nazgul in front of the backdrop of the NBA self-destructing over greed. I hope they play game 7 of the finals on an active volcano.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
So ET, your point is the Celtic praise was contrived because nothing of the sort was mentioned before they beat them?

And no mention for Pierce & KG skipping handshakes and the media? Its why I'll always admire and respect only Ray Allen on this Celtic team no matter how annoying his badass dagger 3's are

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Kazam - Yes. Contrived.

And agreed. No mystery about what player on the Celtics has the most class. Ray Ray, by leaps and bounds.

TransINSANO - I hope you're right. I absolutely do.

Blogger Ash said...
Wow, what a sad, bitter Laker hater.

Mad that the Lakers still have a championship window going forward? Guess so.

Anonymous Batmanu said...
I don't buy LeBitch's comments about leaving Cleveland to beat Boston. I'm sure he was well aware that KG, Ray Ray and the thespian Pierce are getting older and more vulnerable, while he's just entering his prime. And Rondo is prolly not going to get much better as a shooter. They would have just aged/injured out of contention.

Blogger Only1KJ said...
I'm no Heat or LeBron fan. In fact, I may hate them more than the next guy. But even I think that the Boston inspiration thing makes sense. Both Wade and lebron had their 2010 seasons ended by the celtics and the most recent example of 3 established all stars finding themselves on the same team was this current celtics team. The model of having 3 major building blocks and filling out the rest of a roster with contract buy outs and short term veteran signings was also very Celtic-esque. If you can't see the parallels and the reasons to why bron and wade would look to them as inspiration then I'd say that your perspective is being affected a bit by this celtics defeat.

Furthermore, it makes total sense that lebron would wait till now to announce this tidbit. The celtics are the standard for eastern conference greatness. Lebron would have had no place talking about them until he finally defeated them in the post season. After 3 years he finally overcame this hurdle and he probably feels vindicated for defeating both his greatest playoff opponent in recent years and the franchise to which his team has most closely tried to resemble. For the first time in his career, LeBron was finally "humbled by a moment" (ironic that he didn't use that catch phrase this time when he actually appeared emotionally affected). I sort of hate lebron, I hate the Heat stunt and the Decision especially. I think he has some psychological qualitities that would be unallowable if he were anyone else, but I also think that he's actually being candid about the celtics being the ultimate litmus test to see if he should stay with cleveland. Last spring we saw that lebron alone couldn't beat the Cs and that wade alone couldn't beat the Cs. I also agree with Stephanie g that the KG quote is pretty useful for discovering Boston's influence even though one could argue that the seeds of the Miami big 3 were sowed earlier than last year.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I don't get it. How did praising the Celtics somehow become a bad thing?

So you'd rather LeBron gloat at how he crushed the Celtics in crunch time instead of showing appreciation for the team that made him realize that his supporting cast in Cleveland (good enough to be the worst team in the NBA) was not enough to win?

The Celtics lost because they traded Perk and ruined their chemistry midway through the season. Get over it.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Great post by Only1KJ.

Lets move on. Over/under Joe Johnson scoring 15 points in a letdown? Over/under 120 decibals of fan booing halfway thru the 4th?

Blogger Fishy said...
Weird how I was actually rooting for Boston over Miami (as a Lakers fan)... oh well. Go Chicago!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Not that it really matters, but Spo's first name is spelled Erik, not Eric.

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
Really? You can't write this without talking shit about the Lakers? How bitter are you?

Wow, what a sad, bitter Laker hater.

I'm sorry, when did this blog become a watering hole for people without a sense of humour? The rest of the internet called, they wanted their retarded people back.

Sad? Bitter? Y'all should look in the mirror, or perhaps see if your pots and kettles are black. After, you know, unclenching your rectum and extracting that piece of coal you've just turned into diamonds.

Blogger Matt Beahan said...
@ Wouter: Howard either gave himself that tat or a friend did it - I remember him talking about it in an old, old issue of SLAM...

Anonymous Ignarus said...
Stephanie G - I will never get tired of hearing Reggie Miller hate. I've hated Reggie Miller's slow-talking, English-mangling frog voice for all the utterly stupid things he says and how thoughtlessly he says them since he put on a pair of headphones and started pissing off Marv Albert. He is by far the worst part of watching games on TNT - his commentary is almost entirely stupid cliches that are WRONG for the situation at hand and it's made worse by the mere fact that every thing that he says is stopping someone more intelligent from filling the dead air with something that can't be as bad.

Mark Jackson pisses me off, too, but not as much.

Why did you leave TV to go ruin the Suns, Steve Kerr?

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Come on, we have hindsight now. The majority of the blame of the Suns's fall absolutely has to fall on Sarver, not Kerr.

Blogger Dan B. said...
The Celtics lost because they traded Perk and ruined their chemistry midway through the season.  Get over it.

No, they lost because they had significant injuries to pretty much every starter (particularly Rajon Rondo since there is zero ball movement without Rondo on the floor), Shaquille O'Neal was a horrible horrible signing, Jermaine O'Neal is Jermaine O'Neal, Big Baby Davis somehow regressed to a shell of his former self, the average age of the team is somewhere around 54 years old, AND they traded Perk and ruined their chemistry midway through the season, but also got in return a goofy stiff of a big man in Nenad Krstic and a cardboard cutout of a basketball player they nicknamed Jeff Green.

This team was essentially doomed from the start, but it still hurts to get beat by the FUCKING HEAT. A team that was built via collusion around two stars (one likeable, the other not so much), one decent player who was vastly overrated at the start of the year for some reason, and a bunch of scrubs that builds its entire offense on ugly isolations turning into long jumpers, and going to the charity stripe when that doesn't work.

So let us Celtics fans grieve a little. This was our last shot at a title for a long, long time, even if it was an extremely faint full court buzzer beater style prayer of a shot. We aren't going to have a season next year thanks to a lockout, and the team will be too damn old to do anything beyond that. We're going to be mired in years of painful rebuilding where Rondo's pretty much the only talented guy on the team, and he can't make a free throw or a jumper to save his life. Fffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
RT @RobMahoney: 2011: The year we collectively sigh, and give up on NBA awards.

Kobe getting all nba first team over Wade/CP3. Laughable.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Regardless of who you support, it's just really hard to see past Dallas at the moment, especially the way that Dirk and Jason Terry are playing.

No-one in the league can guard Dirk, certainly no-one on the Heat or Bulls has much of a shot at it. Dallas-Miami could be really interesting if it works out that way.

I sympathize with Celtics fans, but you guys just got beat. There are a few possible explanations that all fit together, but the Heat were just better in almost all facets of the game.

I hope Rondo hasn't done some serious damage to his arm. Bravery isn't a long walk from stupidity.

Anonymous andres said...
i really think that a lot of people in this blog are warriors fans because they just don`t give credit to the HEAT defence they only talk about the offense of miami

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Anon - You're right. It doesn't matter. Eric. EriK...but I'll get it right next time when I'm writing "Erik Spo's team was bounced from the playoffs." I hope...

The Other Chris - Amen brother. I'm sure the idiots are a vocal minority, but how many of these people are unable to look past their insecurities and enjoy the humor? Saying a negative, or ironic, or critical word about the Lakers gets a reaction that should be reserved for "9/11 and the Holocaust didn't happen." The sad part is they'll be back here reading tomorrow and getting upset over nothing.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I sympathize that your team lost, I get it. I've been a LeBron fan ever since he came into the league and I've seen Cleveland get bounced time after time in the playoffs. I feel your pain. I'm just a little ticked that after finally beating the Celtics, LeBron actually PRAISES them yet somehow, he gets criticized here.

I actually really like the Celtics. It hurt a lot when they lost in game 7 last year because of Ron Artest 3 of all things. It's a shame that KG was injured in 2009, else we might be talking about at least 2 titles for the Big 3.

Anonymous abusaud said...
- Evil and The Other Chris:

I love the humor that this site brings (one of my favorite basketball sites), but you can't fault Laker fans to laugh at Celtics fans who laughed at the Lakers when they lost (even though Boston was down 3-1 heading back to Miami for Game 5).

Being humorous is one thing, being bitter is something else. If you just posted the Kobe parody video, that's humor. Going off and talking shit about how arrogant Kobe was or "at least we're not the Lakers" rhetoric when no Celtic other than Doc and Allen stayed on the floor to shake hands? And not calling them out on that? That's being bitter.

Anonymous Original said...
Let's be honest. The Celtics looked like shit last night. For every iso-to-long range, contested two play that we saw from the Heat, there was an equally facepalm-worthy play from the Celtics. They fell apart down the stretch. Unforced turnovers, bad passes, poor rotation.

It's unfortunate that the Heat have the pleasure of making it to the conference finals because it reinforces the notion that their brand of iso-driven "basketball" is sufficient to stand atop the rest of the league. But this simply is not true. They don't have the pieces to weather a seven game series against a team like the Mavericks. The Bulls have been looking pretty shaky, so I hesitate to say that Chicago can stop Miami -- unless they pull it together and their bigs play like bigs, and Derrick Rose has some form of support. Team basketball will beat isolated talent every time. The Celtics played some great team basketball as late as January, but it just wasn't there during this series.

As much as Lebron attempts to paint a picture of this series being a stepping stone for the Heat, it just is NOT. It was not the Celtics that the Heat defeated. It was a distilled sketch of a team that was a game away from a championship last year. If the Celtics played basketball THIS ugly last year, they would have been written off a long time ago.

Congratulations to the Heat for advancing to the conference finals. But this Celtics series is not indicative of what to expect from a finals matchup. I don't think team basketball is dead, and I don't think it ever will die, especially in a seven game series. The Heat still have a lot to prove.

Anonymous Ignarus said...
Kerr hurt me twofold. He was a GREAT 3rd guy on TV - smart, understated, and able to make fun of the overstated things said by the primary color commentator. He was a great chemistry guy who added to what the other guys brought to the table without taking anything off.

When Kerr took over in PHX, he brought in Terry Porter instead of promoting Alvin Gentry and brought in Shaq, despite Steve Nash needing room in the middle to work his magic. It wasn't just a gamble - it was a fundamental misunderstanding regarding what made the Suns good in the first place.

Sure, Kerr was humble enough to turn things around later (part of what made him a good TV guy, while Reggie is awful incarnate - the man brings his basketball cockiness to a world in which he has no skills) and Sarver's cheap ass made the team trade for draft picks, only to sell the draft picks for cash to bail out Sarver's bad investments. But the Suns were good in spite of that. Each year they'd find a way to make Quentin Richardsons, Boris Diaws, and even Tim Thomases play well in the 7SoL system.

And then Kerr came in and wanted the team to scrap their system to make room for Terry "I got fired by the BUCKS" Porter and Shaq.

The Suns have kept playing, kinda, but it was a huge full-year step back didn't have to happen that ran out the clock on the Nash years.

I agree that Sarver continues to find horrible balls to suck, but that was a given. Kerr was the NEW guy and couldn't leave well enough alone.

Anonymous Koggz said...
When the hell did this comment section start getting bogged down by the anonymous haters? Have they somehow taken too much space in the wastelands of the comments section at ESPN and migrated over here looking for greener pastures?

Look, I'm a Lakers fan and I hate the Celtics, including Ray Allen, but only because his shot makes me jealous and sad at the same time, nothing against him personally. You read this blog to read about awful basketball, and sometimes you'll have to read it in a Celtics/Bulls/whatever team fan's perspective. SO deal with it and enjoy the lolz.

I hate people who try to come onto sites like these to change the writer's perspective instead of actually adding something worthwhile to say. You can go find one of the many other thousands of blogs with writers that will suckle from the same teat as you. I mean, that's what I do for my dose of Laker love (though.... that is almost impossible to find lately *sadface*)

Anonymous Koggz said...

But imagine if somehow the Mavs (and I guess this applies to the Bulls as well) played in a way that ended up causing them to beat themselves, instead of the Heat truly beating them? And worst case scenario we see the Heat standing on top? The dynamics of how an NBA team is set up, or even how we view it in general would pretty make a huge shift. I'd think maybe a lot of teams, especially those rebuilding themselves, might use that as a model and throw out the team game (not that I actually agree that's a good move).

Anonymous NotSureIfSerious said...
According to ESPN the Lakers are considering hiring Mike Dunleavy as the next head coach. And the rest of the league rejoices!


Blogger Dooj said...
Basketbawful got back up before the PSN... I just lost $2

Blogger Wormboy said...
Dude, Dallas is going to beat the Heat in the Finals. Karma, but on Dweeane. I firmly believe this.

But yeah, I don't see the Bulls beating the Heat unless Boozer shows up every game. Not gonna happen.

Blogger lordhenry said...
meant to do this on monday, but wireless card in laptop died. Seems fitting that it ends up here, just the same.

Blogger lordhenry said...
Deep in the mountains of L.A., in the Citadel of Minas Mamba, the Dark Lord, Kobe, "Bean" Bryant goes flying through the air, smashing the stolen throne of ice, confiscated from George Gervin.
As he exits the wreckage of the throne, trying to flip back to his feet, skidding and missing badly, he wonders how could it have come to this?
There's Darth Shot-Killer, Andrew Bynum, felled by the smallest guy on the Mavs, clipped in his troublesome knee and going down like a cut-rate version of Goliath.
Darth Vega, Pau Gasol, living up to his name as the most effeminite guy on the court.
Even Darth Crazy is going down, but apparently decided to turn traitor at the end, for the only foes in his wake are Luke Walton and Shannon Brown. Ron Artest has just realized there will be no more rings this year.

Blogger lordhenry said...
Even Darth Balls, Derek Fisher has resorted to dueling Jason Kidd, and losing badly. Who would've thought his last great moment would be to make Jason Kidd look young again?
Kobe struggles to his feet, to meet the architect of his dynasty's destruction........Dirk.
"How could we go down to this choker?" the Mamba wonders aloud.
"What do you mean, CHOKER?!" Dirk rumbles in a voice that sounds almost exactly like Schwarzenegger, "I will show you choker!" and begins to throttel the Mamba, ice-blue nordic eyes quinting in fury.
Suddenly, lightning explodes around the Dark Lord and Dirk stumbles away.
Phil Jackson, the Mandarin, he of 11 coaching titles stands, his hand smoking from the lightning.
The Dark Lord grins, "Excellent, emperor, we will take them togeth--WAIT, where are you going?!"

The Emperor strides off into the sunset, turning, "I'm done Kobe, I told you. I know when I'm beat. and this is it. I'm off to enjoy fishing in montana, and as much sex with Jeanie Buss as my heart can take."

The Dark Lord is left agape, when Kevin Garnett, the Celtic of War walks up.
"I know how you feel. Felt the same way after I killed David Stern only to find out it was a clone. this sport is WEIRD, man."

Anonymous Angry laker fan said...
The Kobe interview was hilarious. Game 1 was vintage playoff mode Black Mamba. Game 2 and 3 were too much of an exaggeration, Kobe does NOT talk that much in these types of interviews lol. Game 4… what can I say, I also wanted to see some shots fall as well hahahahahaha at least I can laugh about it now.... But like abusaud said, I also found the comments after his quote to be a bit hypocritical, not to mention slighty bitter. He was simply addressing the fact that his teammates seemed to be slacking off due to the fact that he couldn't practice with them. No one, not even the writers on this site, has ever questioned his work ethic. His knee injury was more serious than anyone cared to admit and his teammates should have recognized that and elevated their games, which starts in practice.
Having Kobe bail you out when you are lethargic is nice but he just can't turn on the Mamba juice at will like he used to. This year was a chance for the supporting cast to prove the Laker haters aren't wrong when they say that the frontline occasionally carries this team. Unfortunately for me, they have been proven wrong because clearly this team needs Kobe Bryant to provide toughness, his relentless scoring and all around game in general. Without his usual impact, they are simply a team that passes the ball around like a hot potato until someone is forced to jack up a 3…. and miss spectacularly. There is no 3-point threat without Kobe or Pau drawing double teams, as evidenced against the Mavs. Pau cannot complain about not getting enough touches if all he does is pick up the ball after one or two crossover dribbles, looking for someone to pass to. The least he could've done is force Dirk to play some defense but alas, he did not.

As Bill Simmons has often said, Kobe's greatest achievement is toughening up our formerly "soft" frontline and driving them to be better than they would be without him. I believe this was simply a message to his teammates that this lackadaisical attitude just won't cut it next year if they are serious about being a championship contender. It was not a case of Kobe's assholery like you are making it out to be.

Not to mention the general classlessness of both teams not being able to stomach a loss in the playoffs. I went in depth about how the Lakeshow did not end the game in a classy way (as a matter of fact, I said we should trade those spoiled role players who would be considered busts had they been on different teams) but I see no mention about KG and Pierce not shaking hands after they lost. Of course, I totally understand how they feel, I wouldn't want to shake Bron Bron's hand afterwards as well after all the shit he said, and Im sure the Celtics wanted to beat the Heat almost as much as they wanted to beat the Lakers in the finals but still, you shouldn't stoop to his level, that's all I'm saying.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I love how Kobe said all his teammates were unprofessional children who don't practice properly if he's not there to scream/scowl at them. He's also ripping the coaching staff this way. Nice one. I bet his teammates will really want to win one for their daddy next year. Astonishingly he blames no one for his absences from practice.

Anonymous bing said...
"Having Kobe bail you out when you are lethargic is nice but he just can't turn on the Mamba juice at will like he used to."

Kinda disagree. It was only last season that he hit, what, 7 game winners? He was constantly "on". Old age doesn't catch up with people that quickly, does it.

Anonymous bing said...
I forgot, nice write up ET. Can't be easy to pick apart your team in print.

Anonymous Axe Head said...
Deep in the mountains of L.A., in the Citadel of Minas Mamba...

Heh heh.

Five rings to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them.

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Bummer that blogger went down. We lost a bunch of comments.
I'll recap...

"Laker Hater"
"Bitter boy"
"How dare you say funny things about Kobe Bryant on a comedy site!"
"Awesome job, ET"
"I Love you ET"
"You're the best"
"God you're amusing."

So there you have it. Moving stuff.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...

Blogger Wormboy said...
Jesus, Zach Randolph is a beast. Dude carried Memphis offensively, though their team defense was great. I think every NBA fan in the world is eating not humble pie, but humble smorgasbord. Even if Memphis loses Sunday, Randolph has utterly changed his legacy. I'm not sure that I've ever seen one guy do so much for his legacy in just two series. It's really stunning.

And what the hell happened to Durant? Good D on him, but that doesn't explain his terrible performance. The Zombies go as Durant goes.

Game 7 Sunday is going to be awesome!

Oh, and Simmons writes a nice basketball obituary for Phil Jackson. Look, I'm a Lakers Hater, but before that I was a Bulls lover. Those who hate on Phil never understood him. He *IS* a great coach. Without him, Chicago may have broken up like the Shaq-Kobe Lakers. He put together some of the best teams ever.


Anonymous Anonymous said...
Check out the guy's Uggs in the Bron Pose picture. Hilarious!

Anonymous Czernobog said...
Boy, what a sloppy game. Durant needs to drive more. He can do that, right? It's not all recall bias from last year?

And the turnovers! The box score says 16, felt more like 61.

And Nazr Mohammed stinks like a semi-decomposed baboon carcass.

Anonymous Czernobog said...
@Evil Ted: You forgot "tl;dr".

Anonymous spinetingler said...
Evil Ted said...
"Laker Hater"

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Blogger Only1KJ said...
Figures, the first time all season I devote time and energy into a comment and blogger goes down. You forgot one type of comment though. the synopsis of mine was "even as someone who hates lebron, I don't think he's being dishonest about the celtics as his inspiration"

I believe stephanie G agreed too.

Also, maybe you were lumping my comment in as "evil Ted is a dick"

Blogger Wormboy said...
@Angrylakerfan: " but I see no mention about KG and Pierce not shaking hands after they lost."

Wait, did you really just equate the mild poor sportsmanship of not shaking hands with the potentially injuring Bynum foul on Tiny Barea? Not shaking hands falls well below stripping of the jersey, much less dirty fouls.

Fan Fail.

I like playoff teams who hate each other. I hate a bunch of rivals who have fuzzy wuzzy friendships and decide to have a "superfriends" team. What, where the Olympics a slumber party for Wade, Bron and Bosh? Did they talk about girls they wanted to marry, and maybe play a practical joke on the first to fall asleep by putting his hand in cup of warm water?

I think you need to distinguish between true playoff rivalry and flagrant dickery. Granted, since KG won his title he's become a real, dick too, though last I checked not in a way that could badly injure somebody. But for all his dickery, the not shaking hands isn't part of it. Get a grip.

Blogger David said...
I don't know if the Heat will go on to win the Championship. In the end, the Bulls could play better defense and Dallas / OKC could end up being more talented from top to bottom.

But I do know that Miami isn't going to face another team in the playoffs that will come at them with the intensity and nastiness that Boston did.

Psychologically, getting past that team was a huge hurdle. Those players now know that no one is going to beat them in a battle of toughness.

Blogger TeamD said...
@David - +1

I truly believe that only the Griz can beat the cHeat this year. If they lose, you can count on the cHeat being champs. Griz defense is great, mayo and conley just flourish, a game at a time, and i believe Griz will absolutely KILLLLL the cHeat in the paint, and you die by jumpers, except if you are Zbo. Take note Heat

Anonymous Anonymous said...
It comes down to if the heat can shut down/guard Rose and then limit Dirk and the Mavs from the outside. If Wade can play out of his mind and carry them to another ring and If Miami win it all, and I stress the word if, it will not be because of Lebron and his ego being "tough".

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Boston didn't bring any "intensity and nastiness" at all. Perk took KG's balls with him and Paul played like Mildred Pierce. There was no toughness needed to beat these Celtics.
This whole "we had to overcome the Celtics" thing is just another step in the bs parade that's the Sheat. It's really embarrassing.

Anonymous another jay said...
2011 will be known as the year basketbawful turned into celticsblog (with occasional bullshomerism)

Blogger Wormboy said...
@David: I'm not so sure. Granted, Boston knew what it took to win championships. But I only saw one game in which the Celtics played like a contender, and that was game 3 where Rondo got hurt and KG played throwback basketball. The two games in Miami were almost pathetic, and totally lacked "intensity and nastiness" from Boston. And while Boston played hard in game 4, there wasn't really the edge there.

Miami will have to be very careful about over-confidence, because I don't think they've done squat. Most hoops fans were dubious about Boston going into the playoffs, though Boston clearly had some of the veteran savvy. But they looked old as hell throughout the playoffs, with the exception of one game from KG. Fact is, Memphis should be more proud of knocking off the old Spurs than Miami should knocking off the old Celtics. I'd argue that this Celtics team was weaker than the 09 Celtics where KG was hurt and all they could do was an epic first round battle against an inexperienced Bulls. Boston looked dubious before Rondo was hurt, and they were done the second his elbow hyper-extended.

So I say there was little intensity and nastiness from the Celtics, and the Heat have yet to be in a dog fight. Me, I think most champions have to be in a dog fight before they get to the big games. Bron and Dweeane have, but the rest of that team hasn't.

Now most the Bulls have been, for the most part, and they're looking far better now that Rose is better. I think they've been underestimated because Rose was so sluggish with that ankle. The Bulls may be the dog fight that Miami needs to prepare them for a championship. The Bulls defense can be championship caliber, but their big free agent who was supposed to put them over the top has been a disappointment. Boozer is not a sufficient offensive threat and defensive presence, and I'm not convinced that he has championship DNA.

And fer Pete's sake don't underestimate Dallas. I felt a shiver in my spine watching Dallas clinically dissect the Lakers with almost stunning execution. It was scary good, and I had no clue that Dallas had that in them. Thus far, Dallas is the only team that looks like a champion. Dallas has the intensity, and they seem to have a "nastiness is a crutch for people who can't get the best out of themselves" vibe that is truly impressive. We'll see what happens to Dallas. My hope is that they play Memphis, who will rough them up, but I don't think Memphis or the Zombies have enough skill to beat the Dallas that beat the Lakers. Can Dallas play 8 more games at that level? If so, they will be champs, no contest.

Well, perhaps not fair with the "playing like a champion" thing. Surprisingly, shockingly, Memphis is playing with the heart of a champion, but they don't have the experience and skill to make it. But still, I don't think my opinion of a franchise and its players has ever shifted so much in one postseason. I've said that I need to eat crow about how Jason Kidd has played in the playoffs this year, at his age. But the entire basketball world has to bow down before what Memphis has done, particularly ZBo. This is redemption, and it's why I watch the playoffs. It's real, unscripted dramatic arcs better than anything else on TV.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Miami is 1-1 vs the Grizzlies. The loss came without Wade and a Rudy Gay buzzer. The 2nd game however, was a decimation. We won by around 30+. It was sometime in early spring I believe, so I dont know if the Grizz hit their stride then. No matchup in the west will be easy. Bulls are a handful as is

Anonymous Drew said...
I wanted to say to Ted that, for all you've taken some heat (scuse the pun) over the last while with your contributions, I thought this post was really good.

Blogger Wormboy said...
OK, I'm a fan of the Zep song Black Dog. But what the heck? The SON of the DRUMMER, who wrote none of the songs? I call BS. Jason Bonham has done nothing but ride on his father's coattails. AND while a good drummer, John Bonham did little to create the Zeppelin sound. Page and Plant wrote almost all of the songs, and Jones was a superlative bass player (I argue better at bass than Bonham was at drums), plus Jones was an experienced producer before Zep ever formed, AND he was an accomplished keyboardist (did all the Zep keyboard stuff), AND was a good acoustic guitarist.

So why the HELL are we subjected to a Bonham cover of a Zep song? That would be like Ringo's son covering Helter Skelter. It's utterly preposterous. I want to smack the ad exec who thought this was a good idea. (Oh, and at least Ringo wrote hit songs, and actually sang lead on a few really good ones. Bonham? Not so much.)

Anonymous Anonymous said...
after weeks of questioning mysef who could hope to contain a dedicated z-bo, the answer is... nick collison?

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Maybe I ready HPBasketball too much, but man I felt like Marc Gasol was getting mauled the whole game and got few calls.

But Memphis' weakness was ultimately the all D no O combo of Tony Allen and Sam Young not being able to shoot a lick. No spacing. Then Durant got hot.

Anonymous Angry laker fan said...
@ Wormboy

To be honest, I couldn't even finish reading your post, because of course I know what my Lakers did was beyond classless. If you read my comments from a previous post, you would know that I thoroughly eviscerated Bynum AND Lamer for how act when shit hits the fan. It wasn't even a comparison of KG and Pierce not shaking hands afterwards. I was merely pointing out the fact that there was ZERO mention of the no handshaking thing in a post that mentions the Lakers when they've already been eliminated. That is all wormboy

Anonymous Angry laker fan said...
@ bing

I still believe Kobe can come back stronger than he was this year, and that he can lead a team to another championship in the future. However, he did play in an awful lot of games the past 3-4 years and barely missing any games, even when he could've/should've rested. Old age did not catch up with Kobe all of the sudden, I agree, I think it was simply a case of Kobe unable to be KOBE BRYANT due to the fact that he played on a bad knee during their 2010 playoff run and he never really recovered from all the mileage/injuries this year. That and the fact that the entire team just seemed to gassed to make it back to the mountaintop. They just could not "flip the switch" this year because it all eventually caught up with them. A little rest and some strength training during the offseason and the Lakers should fare better next year than they did this year...at least that's what I'm hoping for

Anonymous Angry laker fan said...
@ Wormboy

Just for the record, I too, was very pissed off that the C's lost to Miami. I really really reallly wanted the Celtics to show them it takes more than just stacking up talent in order to win a ring. Once Rondo got injured I knew the series was over. Hopefully Chicago can take them out. I'm afraid of what'll happen to Dallas if they meet Miami again but this time with twice as many superstar calls...the league would not be able to recover from the backlash of fans who are already turned off at the inconsistent officiating.

Anonymous Angry laker fan said...
This is why it sucks to write stuff on this site, anything bad I say about someone else's team they immediately flip out and call me a hater. And when they find out I'm a Laker fan they first tell me I don't know shit about basketball and that I'm not capable of making any type rational objective thought or observation. I simply said, hey, you guys made fun of Lebron when he didn't shake hands, why aren't you calling our your own team for doing the same thing? And then I need to hear from some random dude that I'm wrong in comparing the C's to the Lakeshow and as a fan I've failed.. as if I'd been comparing these two teams to being with! My take on the whole handshake thing is: as a society we have become sensitive as hell, criticizing people for being bad sports... Maybe I should stop talking bad about the Celtics as well, clearly these people don't know how to handle criticism.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Holy fuck that sucked. Wade & LeBron think they can go around Brewer and Gibson like they Celtics old legs. No damn hero ball. And Bosh was awesome. What a waste.

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
My eyes hurt every time Tony Allen does something on the offensive end. The only things he does with the ball are.. well, offensive.

That was a fine bitch-slapping by the Bulls. Bosh can have all of the points he wants, the Heat don't win if he's carrying the load. They also don't win playing 3 on 10 and giving up approximately 47 bajillion offensive rebounds.

Taj Gibson is a beast.

Also apparently the foul stench of Big Z's corpse was enough even for Erik Spolestra finally, as the artist formerly known as Jamal Magloire made an appearance.

Anonymous Rich Muhlach said...
Bulls kicked the crap out of the cHeat!

All the Bulls need to do is slow down James and Wade then let Rose do all the damage offensively. Bosh having a good game (30 and 9) doesn't help the cHeat at all so no need to focus on him.

I like the Bulls chances here, unless coach Spo switches LeBron to point guard full time (maybe insert James Jones or Mike Miller as the SF in the starting lineup) then this won't end well for the Nazgul.

Blogger Interstate08 said...
Just wanted to point out that with 10:30 remaining in the first quarter of Game 7 OKC vs. Memphis. Jeff Van Gundy stated, in referring to Mike Conley not having to guard Westbrook... - "he now gets to guard Sefolosha, so he can play without feeling the heat of Westbrook's penetration." That is all.

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
The Ridiculous Taj Gibson Garbage Time Dunk

The one on D-Wade's head wasn't too bad either.

People seemed to write Chicago off a bit after they had their struggles with Indiana and Atlanta, but they have such a huge advantage in this series up front and at the point guard.. Nightmare for the Nazgul?

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Czernobog -

"@Evil Ted: You forgot "tl;dr". I don't understand that comment.

spinetingler -

"Laker hater" made me all tingly inside. Kidding. I respect the Lakers. I HATE the Heat. (Go Bulls! Nice job tonight!)

bing -

Thanks. I always appreciate good karma.

Anon - Those Uggs! Nice catch.

Only1KG -

After the series, when reporters were questioning their being over-excited about winning the series, Bosh said: "We didn't come together to beat the Celtics. We came together to win a championship." I think they retool their answers like a bunch of PR guys...and I also think they're too full of themselves to consider their accumulated talent as comparable to anything previously done in the league.

Drew - Thanks. To all, feel free to express your enjoyment of my posts. It offsets the negative foolishness.

angry laker fan -

Looks like we have something in common - I was pissed to see the C's lose to the heat as well...good start for the Bulls tonight...great team dynamic, defense, rebounding...I am a tenacious Bulls fan for the next two weeks.

"This is why it sucks to write stuff on this site, anything bad I say about someone else's team they immediately flip out and call me a hater."

Now you know how I feel ;)

Blogger The Nightbringer said...
I hate to see the Heat win, I'll be honest.. but the Celtic tears are too delicious to pass up. It almost makes me forget that the Lakers got swept by the Dur-Dur-Dallas Mavericks!

My only hope at this point is that the 7-game series pumps up OKC and they trample Dallas. Now without any Lakers to threaten them, the way to the finals is clear.

OKC-Chicago is a series I would watch.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
d wade got dunked on by someone named taj..i´m in heaven

Anonymous Pistoletti said...
I want what Taj Gibson had for breakfast...

Blogger draftaraujo said...
“We took it on the chin tonight,” Heat Coach Erik Spoelstra said.


Anonymous Batmanu said...
I think I orgasmed a little bit when Taj Gibson smashed on Pookie, and felt a little tingle when Breer yolked on RuPaul.

Anonymous kono said...
Bosh with yet another single double

Anonymous Adrià said...
Don't get overexcited at this Bulls win, I'm happy with that, but not confident enough.

Also, great post, ET.

Anonymous Czernobog said...
These conference finals have three teams I would love to see winning it all.

Dirk and Kidd deserve to end their career with a ring.

Durant is a mensch, and Perkins is emerging as a serious locker room leader.

Rose and these scrappy Bulls are just awesome.

And then there's Miami...

Also, am I the only one thinking the bulls have two of the best defensive bigs in the league sitting on the bench?

Anonymous Batmanu said...
Damn, you make it sound like Dirk is going to retire after this season. Isn't he only like 32?

Anonymous Aaron said...
After Lebron loses to Chicago, he will wear a t-shirt that says "I beat Boston. Watch game 4 & 5 (not game 3 though)"