Spider-Man's balls! I go away for a few days and the New York Knicks re-hire Isiah Thomas...as a consultant? Based on his previous tenure with the Knicks, I imagine Isiah's first piece of advice would go something like, "Stick your genitals into a blender and hit purée." And if the Eddy Curry, Jerome James and Stephon Marbury experiments are any indication, the Knicks will do it. I mean, nobody in that organization ever said "no" to Isiah before did they?

Other than Anucha Browne Sanders that is.

Apparently, we live in an age where anything can happen. Short of Cleveland forgiving LeBron James, of course. Here are a few other unlikely scenarios that seem a little more probable now that the Knicks have brought back The Destroyer.

Bill Russell and Rick Barry hired as the newest TNT broadcasting team:

Bill Laimbeer apologizes to Larry Bird after which Robert Parish apologizes to Laimbeer:

Shaq and Kobe II

Timberwolves re-hire Kevin McHale as GM

Allen Iverson willingly returns to the Grizzlies as their sixth man

Cavaliers hire LeBron James as team ambassador...

...right after retiring his number in a lavish ceremony

Charles Oakley applies to play Barney the Dinosaur

Bill Russell admits that Wilt Chamberlain was "the better player...and the better man."

Michael Jordan accepts Bryon Russell's one-on-one challenge

Magic Johnson proclaims that contracting the HIV virus was the best thing that ever happened to him

Tim Duncan wins an upcoming Dancing With The Stars competition

Greg Ostertag makes a successful NBA comeback

Mark Cuban spends a season sitting quietly behind the Mavericks bench radiating humble dignity

Rajon Rondo and Shaq combine to hit 70 percent of their free throws during the 2010-11 season

Larry Bird concedes Dennis Rodman and Isiah were right: He was overrated and, if he had been black, he would have been "just another good guy."

The L.A. Clippers declared "respectable"...

...thanks largely to the coaching prowess of Vinny Del Negro

ESPN makes the unilateral decision to boycott any and all storylines related to LeBron James, Brett Favre and allegations that "Baseball Player X used steroids"

Tracy McGrady returns to All-Star form and plays all 82 games

Yao Ming doesn't suffer a season-ending injury

Amar''''''e Stoudemire totally earns his $100 million contract, which means...

...the Knicks break their streak of nine consecutive playoff-less years

The Cavaliers win an NBA title before the Miami Heat, with Mo Williams and Anderson Varejao co-winning Finals MVP

Kurt Rambis successfully deploys the Triangle Offense in Minnesota...

...right after forgiving Kevin McHale for that clothesline in '84

Mike D'Antoni admits "Steve Nash made me."

Six seasons from now, Atlanta Hawks management tearfully states that Joe Johnson's ginormous contract was "the best thing that ever happened to the franchise."

Dwight Howard makes it through an 82-game season and the playoffs without throwing a single elbow...

...while also displaying a half dozen competent low post moves, hitting all of his critical free throws, and winning the MVP award

Pat Riley frames the pact he signed with Satan and hangs above his bed so he can gaze at it while having sex with his wife

As a group, NBA players stop bitching at officials during games

Duo Design named NBA Halftime Act of the Year

Gilbert Arenas shoots so well and plays so unselfishly that everybody forgets about his multiple knee surgeries, ridiculous contract and that whole "gun thing"

Dirk Nowitzki becomes known as "The New Mr. Clutch"

Pau Gasol named NBA's toughest player

Kobe Haters grudingly admit his greatness while Kobe Lovers grudingly acknowledge his faults

Lakers fans publically admit "That Game 6" against the Kings was a whole bunch of bullshit

NBA officials publically admit that Games 3 through 6 of the 2006 NBA Finals were a whole bunch of bullshit

The WNBA finally achieves a massive, worldwide audience

Larry Hughes kicks the "jump shooting" habit and becomes a valuable contributor to a winning situation...

...on a YMCA team

NBA All-Star Games actually means something for a change

David Stern and the Player's Association come to an amicable agreement well before a lockout can happen

Editor's note: Think I missed one? That's what the comments section is for. Really good ones just might get added to this list.


Blogger Leland said...
Vince Carter gets traded to Toronto and makes a deep run in the playoofs. for the season he averages 30pts (50% FG) 8 boards, 7 assists, and gets to the line 12 times per night converting 85% of his freebies. VC never checks out of a game mentally or physically for the entire season

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Shaq gracefully, humbly, and quietly retires with no fanfare or public announcements to become a Sheriff.

Stan Van Gundy wears something other than a black or grey shirt and pants combo.

Blogger Will said...
Shawn Kemp and Calvin Murphy tie for first in the Father-of-the-Year competition.

Blogger Will said...
Kobe Bryant gives Luke Walton his lunch money back.

Blogger 49er16 said...
David Stern admits he told Dick Bavetta to call as many fouls as possible on the Sacramento Kings in Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals.

Blogger chris said...
The Sacramento Kings become the Association's next dynasty, with free agents falling over themselves to sign up for a career of riches and fame at the new Maloof Castle on 7th Street!!!!!!!

Oh, and parking will be free.

Blogger chris said...
Don Nelson makes it to the sidelines of a Finals game...without having to buy a ticket first.

Blogger Dan B. said...
Oh, and parking will be free.

Now that's just crazy talk!

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
The Raptors lead the league in defensive efficiency.

LeBron James goes an entire season without taking a ridiculously awful "heat check" shot or dancing on the bench.

Kevin Garnett gives a post-game news conference in which, smiling and laughing, he says it's OK that they lost because everyone really tried their best.

Shaq shows up to camp next year at a chiselled 310 pounds and says he'll play 2 minutes a game if that's what's asked of him.

Anonymous JJ said...
Antoine Walker makes a successful NBA comeback...

as an efficient player who doesn't take 4-point shots.

Never mind. That actually sounded too ridiculous as I was typing it.

Blogger Siddarth Sharma said...
Awesome. With so many reverse stat curses (stat boons?) thrown out, some of it may actually come true, and we can look back on it and smile at how naive our past selves were to dismiss these lightly.

DeMarcus Cousins admits he may be the result of a consanguineous union.

Anonymous Karc said...
The Seattle SuperSonics return to the NBA.

Sorry, someone had to say it...

(How about those lady Storm, though? Killing it in the West.)

Blogger Unknown said...
Lebron James is called for a traveling violation.

Latrell Sprewell earns enough to feed his family

Rasheed Wallace makes a u turn from retirement and survives a Technical-free season

Stan Van Gundy accepts his voice is so annoying and decides to talk through a EQ.

Dennis Rodman dies in a traffic accident

Darko Milicic becomes "the force" in low post

Alvin Gentry says less then 12 "A'right" during a 20 sec timeout

Blogger David said...
Vince Carter moves to Toronto after retirement.

Kobe admits that Shaq was the better player during the Lakers three-peat.

Zach Randolph wins the NBA citizenship award.

Joakim Noah gets endorsements for tooth care products.

Blogger Paul said...
- Phil Jackson proposes to Jeannie Buss.

- Not only Antoine Walker makes a successful comeback but he also makes wise financial decisions and becomes the next Magic Johnson of the business world.

- The Thunder moves back to Seattle and re-takes the "Sonics" name.

- Michael Jordan admits that he was forced out of the league back in 1994. He also admits that he frequently placed bets on basketball.

- Kobe Bryant gets caught having an affair with the "same Colorado girl"

- Paul Pierce says he is the best player in the planet but the entire planet actually agrees with him.

Blogger Unknown said...
Ron Artest doesn't do or say anything that makes us question his sanity.

The NBA strips Malone of his '97 MVP trophy and gives it to Michael Jordan.

Russia gives the U.S. the 1972 gold medal.

Shaq gets into a shape other than round.

Anonymous Barry said...
Kendrick Perkins will smile and laugh after he's called for a moving screen/travel.

Blogger Preveen said...
The one about Tim Duncan really made me lol :D and the Pat Riley one was worthy of a snort too :D

Blogger Wormboy said...
Dikembe Mutombo has a second career as a world class opera tenor.

Blogger chris said...
The Detroit Pistons will actually stop playing in affluent Oakland County and instead play in the city they're named for!

Oh wait. :O :O

Anonymous Mike T said...
Pat Riley doesn't name himself coach of the Heat, and instead takes time off to spend time with Stan Van Gundy's family.

Shaq actually makes a free throw when it counts.

David Stern and Mark Cuban announce that they are getting married.

The Spurs vs. the Hawks in the Finals draws record TV audiences.

Anonymous illogicaljedi said...
lebron james becomes the greatest ever.

Blogger chris said...
Mike T:

Also applicable:

The Orlando Magic have someone...ANYONE...make a free throw when it counts.

- Paul Pierce says he is the best player in the planet but the entire planet actually agrees with him.

Well, if that planet is Lovetron...nah, not even then.


Here's another set I just thought of for the Purple Paupers:

- DeMarcus Cousins does NOT follow tradition and does NOT get stopped on Interstate 80 for a traffic violation.

- Tim Donaghy bets on the Kings regularly in the postseason, resulting in the first title for the franchise since 1951!!!!

- Maloofs show humility and do not appear in a patronizing Carl's Jr. ad. And subsequently also stop producing their casino commercials featuring Lady Gaga's "Poker Face." Ugh.

- Paul Westphal sends a Christmas card to the now-departed Spencer Hawes.

- Peaches silences himself for a full broadcast, resulting in higher ratings.

- Kayte Christiansen gets rehired!!!!!

Anonymous Business Time said...
Isiah just wants to show David Kahn how it's REALLY done.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
I'm late to this whole Shaq-to-the-Celtics thing, but...

OK then, let's hear your explanation. Gimme your take on why Danny Ainge would begin the free agency period by immediately offering all the money they could to a guy they considered a backup plan just in case someone else out there was willing to offer Shaq more than the league minimum. Tell me why if the Celtics felt like Shaq was their guy, and he was the best fit, why they waited over a month to pursue him at all?

Here's my best guess for why the C's chose The Drain over The Big Minimum:


The Drain will play center most of the time, but he can play PF in a pinch. That's why the C's went after Rasheed so hard last summer. He can play C and PF. The C's obviously need PF insurance in case Garnett gets injured and has to miss time. They don't want Big Baby to be the only guy they have at that position.

Shaq, obviously, would not be able to fill in for Garnett in case of injury. O'Neal could. He had more utility to the Celtics for that reason.

Once the C's had that flexibility locked up, getting Shaq at the minimum was a no-brainer bargain deal.

Anonymous Grant FA said...
Shawn Kemp discovers a new and better way to spread his seed (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/05/cops-michael-edwards-spra_n_672392.htm) while simultaneously giving new meaning to the nickname "rain man."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Pau Gasol goes down with season ending microfracture surgery during the preseason and the Kobe-led Lakers still three-peat.

Lebron brings his pantomime introduction routine to Miami, except he is a cast member and Wade acts as the director.

Anonymous Bill said...
Franco Harris admits he didn't make the immaculate reception

Blogger chris said...

Blogger David Landon said...
When he is whistled for a foul, Rasheed Wallace simply nods and accepts it, rather than howling in protest as if the refs had accused him of murdering a kitten.

Donald Sterling calls a press conference wherein he apologizes for being a complete bastard his whole life, and announces his intention to sell the Clippers to someone who actually cares about them and spend the rest of his life in a Tibetan monastery.

Blogger Will said...
Steve Francis proclaims his lifelong dream to play for the Grizzlies.

Blogger Gökhan said...
TJ Ford will get into the lane knowing what to do.

Anonymous kaos021 said...
Craig Sager decides to wear a suit that doesn't induce vertigo.

Blogger jim said...
barry bonds' testicles grow back to normal size.

glenn beck admits he isn't really the heir to dr. king's legacy.

domino's actually does start to make good pizza.

joe mauer shaves his sideburns.

jennifer aniston wins an oscar.

dan brown pens the next great american novel.

tim donaghy gets hired as nba ethics coordinator.

spongebob squarepants collects too much grime and has to be replaced with the green one from the multicolored two-pack.

sasha vujacic, in a disney-esque twist, is revealed to actually be a slovenian princess who took up her father's basketball shoes to try and bring honor to her family, and save her nation from destruction.

sasha actually accomplishes the above.

david kahn signs adam morrison to a max deal, asks larry bird how long it took for him to hit his stride, in the right system.

Blogger chris in van said...
Did Rick Barry call Bill Russell a "fool with a watermelon eating grin" on a pre-recorded telecast and CBS still decided to air it?

Man nowadays ABC tape-delays by 3 seconds just so they can bleep out KG's "suck my DICK"'s after every dunk.

Goddamn we've come a long way since the 80's!

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
What a perfect opportunity to dig up this old Isiah related YouTube, which I've completely forgotton how I originally found it.

Blogger XForce23 said...
I'm pretty sure Pat Riley is already doing that in real life with his devil pact...

Blogger Unknown said...
Tim Duncan eyeballs stay within his skull for the entire season.

Blogger Mt. Wood said...
Basketbawful writes an unbiased story, for once.

Yeah thats the most unlikely scenario ever.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
Manu Ginobili's hair grows back.

The NBA goes back to nut-hugger shorts of the early '80s.

Eric Spoelstra keeps his job past the All-Star break.

Shaq is relegated to the bench when Perkins returns.

Blogger Cortez said...
"Lebron brings his pantomime introduction routine to Miami, except he is a cast member and Wade acts as the director."

I'm am officially on board with this happening. It would be the final touch for the ultimate role player.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Derek Fischer commits a foul.

Anonymous Teeferbone said...
In a post-game press conference, Kevin Garnett gives an interview that leaves the audience thinking "Gosh, he's just an all-around good guy"

Blogger William Dorr said...
Greg Oden plays 82 games.
Portland is awarded an All-Star Game.

Anonymous Aaron said...
Oh...Lebron finally wins with authorith!


Anonymous Bryan said...
Lebron admits he's a douche...in the 3rd person.

David Kahn drafts a player to play a position not currently being occupied by 4 other players on the team.

Former Bucks GM, Larry Harris, agrees that he should have drafted THE CHAIR instead of Yi Jianlian.

Michael Jordan gives a speech in which he apologizes to everyone he was ever mean to.

Karl Malone takes 6 months off from whatever hes currently doing to hunt little Mexican girls

Blogger Wormboy said...
Mt. Wood, are you not feeling the love?

Anonymous Flud said...
Mario West starts 82 games at 37 mins per.

Andrew Bogut reveals himself to be a giant russian woman.

Ticket prices halve and merchandice is sold at reasonable prices

Reggie Miller learns how to use the english language.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
The Heat will demonstrate incredible team chemistry en route to 75 regular season wins and go 16-0 in the playoffs, with Chris Bosh proving that he is worthy of a max contract.

Blogger chris said...
Bryan: Is Larry Harris the guy who traded the Nowitski pick for TRACTOR TRAYLOR!!!??!?!

Blogger chris said...
Greg Oden will cut back on his infractions and only average a mere 3 fouls a night!!!

Blogger lordhenry said...
I think that people are foolish to sleep on the Celtics, they came within 4 points of beating Lebron, D-wade, Dwight, and Kobe all in one post-season.

In the mountains of L.A......
IN the Citadel of Minas Mamba, on a new throne made of frozen tears imported from Cleveland, the Dark Lord, Kobe "Bean" Bryant, he of the gimpy finger, and drained knee, begins to catch up with the off-season on his demonic laptop, while Darth Vega (Pau Gasol) walks in.

"Already monitoring the competition, my Lord?"

The Dark Lord looks up, "As a matter of fact I am, I'm also wondering if Pat Riley got anything else for his soul in addition to Lebronze, D-Weak, and Chris Bitch."

"So you are concerned about the Heat."

"Absolutely not! I just thought Pat could've gotten a better deal."
The Mamba looks up, and the coldness in his gaze makes his throne appear warm by comparison.

"I was actually reading about how the Celtics picked up Shaq, and how much I would enjoy the oppurtunity to deny Sith Heel O'Neil a chance at a 5th ring. After the Celtics dismantle the Heat in the 2nd round of course."

Kobe looks back at the laptop. "The fools. Don't they realize that separated, they forced the Celtics to go through THREE DIFFERENT TEAMS to get past them? Now, the Celtics only have to beat ONE team to dispose of the Lion's share of talent in the East. A team with very little post presence as well. No, Lord Vega, I am NOT worried about the Heat, but the Heat should be worried about the Celtics."

Blogger senormedia said...
3 to make 2 returns, as does the best of 3 opening round series.

OK, maybe not the second one.

Anonymous Bryan said...
@ Chris - No it wasnt. I want to say it was Ernie Grunfield who did but i could be wrong.

Blogger chris said...
Leland: Didn't notice it, but you've triggered rather obvious linkage action, however rephrased in the spirit of this thread:

This goofy dinosaur mascot learns motor skills!!!!!

OH SHNAP. Bill Walton at the Giants-Cubs game tonight, will he teach Tim Linecum how to wax eloquent on the trivial?

Anonymous The Other Chris said...

"David Kahn drafts a player to play a position not currently being occupied by 4 other players on the team."

I lol'ed. This needs to be on the front page.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Kwame Brown wins a ring. Yes, Kwame Brown, remember him?

Anonymous griftertm said...
Well you need to explain how Riley gets all his good luck from. A million rabbit's feet wouldn't bring him LBJ and Bosh to play with Wade. A pact with Satan will do.

Anonymous JJ said...
I guess we now have a confirmation that it will be very unlikely for Starbury to come back to NBA. Hold back the tears guys.


A sure sign that you need a real role model in your life and/or therapy: you regard Isiah Thomas as "a father figure".

Blogger Unknown said...
David Stern admits that he helped Clay Bennett hijack the Supersonics at a press conference from the depths of hell.

Blogger Unknown said...
David Stern admits that he helped Clay Bennett hijack the Supersonics at a press conference from the depths of hell.

Blogger LotharBot said...
JR Smith goes the whole season without committing a traffic violation, getting in a car accident, getting caught with an illegal substance, or ending up in George Karl's doghouse for unspecified behavioral issues

David Stern steps down and is replaced by a career military guy, who runs the league in an honest and transparent manner

The quality of officiating is so good that even Tim Duncan doesn't complain about it

The Trailblazers miss less than 10 games, combined, due to injury

There isn't a single trade made during the season that makes fans say "wtf was that team thinking?"

Ron Artest releases a new album, and it's actually pretty good

Anonymous Anonymous said...
The WNBA finally achieves a moderate, America-wide audience

Anonymous Anonymous said...
The Boston Celtic's collective knees hold out for an entire season.

Anonymous Barry said...
Every play-off series will be special and worth watching, and every game will have triple-overtime madness with good team 'ball!

There will be no more lacktion, no more bawful, no more bad players, and Basketbawful will fall into disrepair.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
JJ Redick decides to play a game of basketball without putting gel in his hair first.

Blogger chris said...

Looks like Donnie Walsh is realy pleased to be seeing Zeke again.


Anonymous Adrià said...
lordhenry you should do a series out of your posts. I suggest "Worlds of Bawful" as a title.

unlikely scenario: LBJ is traded for CP3 one week before Christmas.

Anonymous Rahul said...
Sasha Vujacic wins the NBA Sportsmanship Award.

Phil Jackson accepts that he won all the rings only because he coached the best players.

T-mac earns a max contract next year after leading the Pistons to a championship this year.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Steve Fisher makes 4 consecutive clutch plays to save the Lakers and following each, they actually show Fisher, not Kobe...

Blogger Mintz... said...
I agree with Adria, I would read a longer version of your post lordhenry. It tickled my fancy.

More NBA/Star Wars crossover!

Anonymous LakerNation said...
Isiah Thomas is rehired by the Knicks. . . .oh wait

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Lebron realizes just how annoying it is to refer to yourself in third person and kick you hometeam in the groin .. . . .repeatedly

Blogger aegeansheed said...
- Don Nelson starts 82 different lineups for the Warriors.

- Monta Ellis admits that S.Curry is the best teamate he ever played with

- David Kahn trades Beasley for Kyle Lowry at mid-season. Ricky Rubio decides to leave Europe for TWolves.

At 2011 Draft Kahn signs a PG draft pick and then trades Kevin Love for the no 3 pick, which is a PG (of course)

When season starts Wolves have already 8 players on the PG posistion in their roster. In pre-season games CWebb congradulates Kahn for his strategy

- DeSagana Diop explores his Jewish roots

- Tyreke Evans breaks the Sacramento County Mph violation limit. He is ejected from NBA, but he starts his career in NASCAR.

- Josh Childress shaves his head

- Hedo Turkoglu requests Suns to trade him away. An "Amazing Pizza Houses in U.S. cities" Guide is found in his locker

- Baron Davis carries Clips to WCF's. His beard already reaches his chest