Spider-Man's balls! I go away for a few days and the New York Knicks re-hire Isiah Thomas...as a consultant? Based on his previous tenure with the Knicks, I imagine Isiah's first piece of advice would go something like, "Stick your genitals into a blender and hit purée." And if the Eddy Curry, Jerome James and Stephon Marbury experiments are any indication, the Knicks will do it. I mean, nobody in that organization ever said "no" to Isiah before did they?
Other than Anucha Browne Sanders that is.
Apparently, we live in an age where anything can happen. Short of Cleveland forgiving LeBron James, of course. Here are a few other unlikely scenarios that seem a little more probable now that the Knicks have brought back The Destroyer.
Bill Russell and Rick Barry hired as the newest TNT broadcasting team:
Bill Laimbeer apologizes to Larry Bird after which Robert Parish apologizes to Laimbeer:
Shaq and Kobe II
Timberwolves re-hire Kevin McHale as GM
Allen Iverson willingly returns to the Grizzlies as their sixth man
Cavaliers hire LeBron James as team ambassador...
...right after retiring his number in a lavish ceremony
Charles Oakley applies to play Barney the Dinosaur
Bill Russell admits that Wilt Chamberlain was "the better player...and the better man."
Michael Jordan accepts Bryon Russell's one-on-one challenge
Magic Johnson proclaims that contracting the HIV virus was the best thing that ever happened to him
Tim Duncan wins an upcoming Dancing With The Stars competition
Greg Ostertag makes a successful NBA comeback
Mark Cuban spends a season sitting quietly behind the Mavericks bench radiating humble dignity
Rajon Rondo and Shaq combine to hit 70 percent of their free throws during the 2010-11 season
Larry Bird concedes Dennis Rodman and Isiah were right: He was overrated and, if he had been black, he would have been "just another good guy."
The L.A. Clippers declared "respectable"...
...thanks largely to the coaching prowess of Vinny Del Negro
ESPN makes the unilateral decision to boycott any and all storylines related to LeBron James, Brett Favre and allegations that "Baseball Player X used steroids"
Tracy McGrady returns to All-Star form and plays all 82 games
Yao Ming doesn't suffer a season-ending injury
Amar''''''e Stoudemire totally earns his $100 million contract, which means...
...the Knicks break their streak of nine consecutive playoff-less years
The Cavaliers win an NBA title before the Miami Heat, with Mo Williams and Anderson Varejao co-winning Finals MVP
Kurt Rambis successfully deploys the Triangle Offense in Minnesota...
...right after forgiving Kevin McHale for that clothesline in '84
Mike D'Antoni admits "Steve Nash made me."
Six seasons from now, Atlanta Hawks management tearfully states that Joe Johnson's ginormous contract was "the best thing that ever happened to the franchise."
Dwight Howard makes it through an 82-game season and the playoffs without throwing a single elbow...
...while also displaying a half dozen competent low post moves, hitting all of his critical free throws, and winning the MVP award
Pat Riley frames the pact he signed with Satan and hangs above his bed so he can gaze at it while having sex with his wife
As a group, NBA players stop bitching at officials during games
Duo Design named NBA Halftime Act of the Year
Gilbert Arenas shoots so well and plays so unselfishly that everybody forgets about his multiple knee surgeries, ridiculous contract and that whole "gun thing"
Dirk Nowitzki becomes known as "The New Mr. Clutch"
Pau Gasol named NBA's toughest player
Kobe Haters grudingly admit his greatness while Kobe Lovers grudingly acknowledge his faults
Lakers fans publically admit "That Game 6" against the Kings was a whole bunch of bullshit
NBA officials publically admit that Games 3 through 6 of the 2006 NBA Finals were a whole bunch of bullshit
The WNBA finally achieves a massive, worldwide audience
Larry Hughes kicks the "jump shooting" habit and becomes a valuable contributor to a winning situation...
...on a YMCA team
NBA All-Star Games actually means something for a change
David Stern and the Player's Association come to an amicable agreement well before a lockout can happen
Editor's note: Think I missed one? That's what the comments section is for. Really good ones just might get added to this list.
Other than Anucha Browne Sanders that is.
Apparently, we live in an age where anything can happen. Short of Cleveland forgiving LeBron James, of course. Here are a few other unlikely scenarios that seem a little more probable now that the Knicks have brought back The Destroyer.
Bill Russell and Rick Barry hired as the newest TNT broadcasting team:
Bill Laimbeer apologizes to Larry Bird after which Robert Parish apologizes to Laimbeer:
Shaq and Kobe II
Timberwolves re-hire Kevin McHale as GM
Allen Iverson willingly returns to the Grizzlies as their sixth man
Cavaliers hire LeBron James as team ambassador...
...right after retiring his number in a lavish ceremony
Charles Oakley applies to play Barney the Dinosaur
Bill Russell admits that Wilt Chamberlain was "the better player...and the better man."
Michael Jordan accepts Bryon Russell's one-on-one challenge
Magic Johnson proclaims that contracting the HIV virus was the best thing that ever happened to him
Tim Duncan wins an upcoming Dancing With The Stars competition
Greg Ostertag makes a successful NBA comeback
Mark Cuban spends a season sitting quietly behind the Mavericks bench radiating humble dignity
Rajon Rondo and Shaq combine to hit 70 percent of their free throws during the 2010-11 season
Larry Bird concedes Dennis Rodman and Isiah were right: He was overrated and, if he had been black, he would have been "just another good guy."
The L.A. Clippers declared "respectable"...
...thanks largely to the coaching prowess of Vinny Del Negro
ESPN makes the unilateral decision to boycott any and all storylines related to LeBron James, Brett Favre and allegations that "Baseball Player X used steroids"
Tracy McGrady returns to All-Star form and plays all 82 games
Yao Ming doesn't suffer a season-ending injury
Amar''''''e Stoudemire totally earns his $100 million contract, which means...
...the Knicks break their streak of nine consecutive playoff-less years
The Cavaliers win an NBA title before the Miami Heat, with Mo Williams and Anderson Varejao co-winning Finals MVP
Kurt Rambis successfully deploys the Triangle Offense in Minnesota...
...right after forgiving Kevin McHale for that clothesline in '84
Mike D'Antoni admits "Steve Nash made me."
Six seasons from now, Atlanta Hawks management tearfully states that Joe Johnson's ginormous contract was "the best thing that ever happened to the franchise."
Dwight Howard makes it through an 82-game season and the playoffs without throwing a single elbow...
...while also displaying a half dozen competent low post moves, hitting all of his critical free throws, and winning the MVP award
Pat Riley frames the pact he signed with Satan and hangs above his bed so he can gaze at it while having sex with his wife
As a group, NBA players stop bitching at officials during games
Duo Design named NBA Halftime Act of the Year
Gilbert Arenas shoots so well and plays so unselfishly that everybody forgets about his multiple knee surgeries, ridiculous contract and that whole "gun thing"
Dirk Nowitzki becomes known as "The New Mr. Clutch"
Pau Gasol named NBA's toughest player
Kobe Haters grudingly admit his greatness while Kobe Lovers grudingly acknowledge his faults
Lakers fans publically admit "That Game 6" against the Kings was a whole bunch of bullshit
NBA officials publically admit that Games 3 through 6 of the 2006 NBA Finals were a whole bunch of bullshit
The WNBA finally achieves a massive, worldwide audience
Larry Hughes kicks the "jump shooting" habit and becomes a valuable contributor to a winning situation...
...on a YMCA team
NBA All-Star Games actually means something for a change
David Stern and the Player's Association come to an amicable agreement well before a lockout can happen
Editor's note: Think I missed one? That's what the comments section is for. Really good ones just might get added to this list.
Labels: unlikely scenarios
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Stan Van Gundy wears something other than a black or grey shirt and pants combo.
Oh, and parking will be free.
Now that's just crazy talk!
LeBron James goes an entire season without taking a ridiculously awful "heat check" shot or dancing on the bench.
Kevin Garnett gives a post-game news conference in which, smiling and laughing, he says it's OK that they lost because everyone really tried their best.
Shaq shows up to camp next year at a chiselled 310 pounds and says he'll play 2 minutes a game if that's what's asked of him.
as an efficient player who doesn't take 4-point shots.
Never mind. That actually sounded too ridiculous as I was typing it.
Sorry, someone had to say it...
(How about those lady Storm, though? Killing it in the West.)
Latrell Sprewell earns enough to feed his family
Rasheed Wallace makes a u turn from retirement and survives a Technical-free season
Stan Van Gundy accepts his voice is so annoying and decides to talk through a EQ.
Dennis Rodman dies in a traffic accident
Darko Milicic becomes "the force" in low post
Alvin Gentry says less then 12 "A'right" during a 20 sec timeout
Kobe admits that Shaq was the better player during the Lakers three-peat.
Zach Randolph wins the NBA citizenship award.
Joakim Noah gets endorsements for tooth care products.
- Not only Antoine Walker makes a successful comeback but he also makes wise financial decisions and becomes the next Magic Johnson of the business world.
- The Thunder moves back to Seattle and re-takes the "Sonics" name.
- Michael Jordan admits that he was forced out of the league back in 1994. He also admits that he frequently placed bets on basketball.
- Kobe Bryant gets caught having an affair with the "same Colorado girl"
- Paul Pierce says he is the best player in the planet but the entire planet actually agrees with him.
The NBA strips Malone of his '97 MVP trophy and gives it to Michael Jordan.
Russia gives the U.S. the 1972 gold medal.
Shaq gets into a shape other than round.
Oh wait. :O :O
Shaq actually makes a free throw when it counts.
David Stern and Mark Cuban announce that they are getting married.
The Spurs vs. the Hawks in the Finals draws record TV audiences.
Also applicable:
The Orlando Magic have someone...ANYONE...make a free throw when it counts.
Paul:
- Paul Pierce says he is the best player in the planet but the entire planet actually agrees with him.
Well, if that planet is Lovetron...nah, not even then.
---
Here's another set I just thought of for the Purple Paupers:
- DeMarcus Cousins does NOT follow tradition and does NOT get stopped on Interstate 80 for a traffic violation.
- Tim Donaghy bets on the Kings regularly in the postseason, resulting in the first title for the franchise since 1951!!!!
- Maloofs show humility and do not appear in a patronizing Carl's Jr. ad. And subsequently also stop producing their casino commercials featuring Lady Gaga's "Poker Face." Ugh.
- Paul Westphal sends a Christmas card to the now-departed Spencer Hawes.
- Peaches silences himself for a full broadcast, resulting in higher ratings.
- Kayte Christiansen gets rehired!!!!!
OK then, let's hear your explanation. Gimme your take on why Danny Ainge would begin the free agency period by immediately offering all the money they could to a guy they considered a backup plan just in case someone else out there was willing to offer Shaq more than the league minimum. Tell me why if the Celtics felt like Shaq was their guy, and he was the best fit, why they waited over a month to pursue him at all?
Here's my best guess for why the C's chose The Drain over The Big Minimum:
Flexibility.
The Drain will play center most of the time, but he can play PF in a pinch. That's why the C's went after Rasheed so hard last summer. He can play C and PF. The C's obviously need PF insurance in case Garnett gets injured and has to miss time. They don't want Big Baby to be the only guy they have at that position.
Shaq, obviously, would not be able to fill in for Garnett in case of injury. O'Neal could. He had more utility to the Celtics for that reason.
Once the C's had that flexibility locked up, getting Shaq at the minimum was a no-brainer bargain deal.
Lebron brings his pantomime introduction routine to Miami, except he is a cast member and Wade acts as the director.
Okay, huh!??!
Donald Sterling calls a press conference wherein he apologizes for being a complete bastard his whole life, and announces his intention to sell the Clippers to someone who actually cares about them and spend the rest of his life in a Tibetan monastery.
glenn beck admits he isn't really the heir to dr. king's legacy.
domino's actually does start to make good pizza.
joe mauer shaves his sideburns.
jennifer aniston wins an oscar.
dan brown pens the next great american novel.
tim donaghy gets hired as nba ethics coordinator.
spongebob squarepants collects too much grime and has to be replaced with the green one from the multicolored two-pack.
sasha vujacic, in a disney-esque twist, is revealed to actually be a slovenian princess who took up her father's basketball shoes to try and bring honor to her family, and save her nation from destruction.
sasha actually accomplishes the above.
david kahn signs adam morrison to a max deal, asks larry bird how long it took for him to hit his stride, in the right system.
Man nowadays ABC tape-delays by 3 seconds just so they can bleep out KG's "suck my DICK"'s after every dunk.
Goddamn we've come a long way since the 80's!
Yeah thats the most unlikely scenario ever.
The NBA goes back to nut-hugger shorts of the early '80s.
Eric Spoelstra keeps his job past the All-Star break.
Shaq is relegated to the bench when Perkins returns.
I'm am officially on board with this happening. It would be the final touch for the ultimate role player.
Portland is awarded an All-Star Game.
http://outofbounds.yahoo.com/?id=21303209
David Kahn drafts a player to play a position not currently being occupied by 4 other players on the team.
Former Bucks GM, Larry Harris, agrees that he should have drafted THE CHAIR instead of Yi Jianlian.
Michael Jordan gives a speech in which he apologizes to everyone he was ever mean to.
Karl Malone takes 6 months off from whatever hes currently doing to hunt little Mexican girls
Andrew Bogut reveals himself to be a giant russian woman.
Ticket prices halve and merchandice is sold at reasonable prices
Reggie Miller learns how to use the english language.
In the mountains of L.A......
IN the Citadel of Minas Mamba, on a new throne made of frozen tears imported from Cleveland, the Dark Lord, Kobe "Bean" Bryant, he of the gimpy finger, and drained knee, begins to catch up with the off-season on his demonic laptop, while Darth Vega (Pau Gasol) walks in.
"Already monitoring the competition, my Lord?"
The Dark Lord looks up, "As a matter of fact I am, I'm also wondering if Pat Riley got anything else for his soul in addition to Lebronze, D-Weak, and Chris Bitch."
"So you are concerned about the Heat."
"Absolutely not! I just thought Pat could've gotten a better deal."
The Mamba looks up, and the coldness in his gaze makes his throne appear warm by comparison.
"I was actually reading about how the Celtics picked up Shaq, and how much I would enjoy the oppurtunity to deny Sith Heel O'Neil a chance at a 5th ring. After the Celtics dismantle the Heat in the 2nd round of course."
Kobe looks back at the laptop. "The fools. Don't they realize that separated, they forced the Celtics to go through THREE DIFFERENT TEAMS to get past them? Now, the Celtics only have to beat ONE team to dispose of the Lion's share of talent in the East. A team with very little post presence as well. No, Lord Vega, I am NOT worried about the Heat, but the Heat should be worried about the Celtics."
OK, maybe not the second one.
This goofy dinosaur mascot learns motor skills!!!!!
OH SHNAP. Bill Walton at the Giants-Cubs game tonight, will he teach Tim Linecum how to wax eloquent on the trivial?
"David Kahn drafts a player to play a position not currently being occupied by 4 other players on the team."
I lol'ed. This needs to be on the front page.
Marbury
A sure sign that you need a real role model in your life and/or therapy: you regard Isiah Thomas as "a father figure".
David Stern steps down and is replaced by a career military guy, who runs the league in an honest and transparent manner
The quality of officiating is so good that even Tim Duncan doesn't complain about it
The Trailblazers miss less than 10 games, combined, due to injury
There isn't a single trade made during the season that makes fans say "wtf was that team thinking?"
Ron Artest releases a new album, and it's actually pretty good
There will be no more lacktion, no more bawful, no more bad players, and Basketbawful will fall into disrepair.
Looks like Donnie Walsh is realy pleased to be seeing Zeke again.
CAPTCHA: "doweasee", i.e. "IS IT ME OR DOWEASEE ISIAH BACK IN NEW YORK? YESSSSSS!!!!!!"
unlikely scenario: LBJ is traded for CP3 one week before Christmas.
Phil Jackson accepts that he won all the rings only because he coached the best players.
T-mac earns a max contract next year after leading the Pistons to a championship this year.
More NBA/Star Wars crossover!
- Monta Ellis admits that S.Curry is the best teamate he ever played with
- David Kahn trades Beasley for Kyle Lowry at mid-season. Ricky Rubio decides to leave Europe for TWolves.
At 2011 Draft Kahn signs a PG draft pick and then trades Kevin Love for the no 3 pick, which is a PG (of course)
When season starts Wolves have already 8 players on the PG posistion in their roster. In pre-season games CWebb congradulates Kahn for his strategy
- DeSagana Diop explores his Jewish roots
- Tyreke Evans breaks the Sacramento County Mph violation limit. He is ejected from NBA, but he starts his career in NASCAR.
- Josh Childress shaves his head
- Hedo Turkoglu requests Suns to trade him away. An "Amazing Pizza Houses in U.S. cities" Guide is found in his locker
- Baron Davis carries Clips to WCF's. His beard already reaches his chest