Fantasy basketball camps like Michael Jordan's Flight School and Rick Barry's Hoops Fantasy let wealthy CEOs and rogue millionaires hand over huge bags of money to briefly fulfill their dreams of playing NBA-level basketball:

However, not everybody has an extra $10K to throw at completely meaningless endeavors, and still other people -- due to their complete lack of natural speed, strength and jumping ability -- prefer to have more realistic dreams. And if you're one of those poor / unathletic schmucks, then we have the fantasy camp for you!

From Clutch the Bear's Facebook page (via Chris):

HEY ROCKETS FANS! I have a BIG announcement! ANNOUNCING: CLUTCH’S FANTASY MASCOT CAMP 2010 being held at Toyota Center on the Rockets Practice Court on Saturday, August 14th, 2010 from 8:30 am – 5:30 pm! Whether a beginner in high school, a collegiate performer, corporate mascot, minor league character, seasoned professional, or just an avid Clutch/Rockets fan who always wanted to know what it would be like to be Clutch the Bear, we've got the mascot "how to for you"! Cost is only $250 and includes 2 Lower Level Rockets tickets to a 10/11 home game. Here is what is included:

Camp Includes:

-Personal mascot Instruction from Clutch for performers of ALL levels

-We'll cover everything from non-verbal communication, animation, character development, improvisational techniques & antics, skit generation &

execution, mascot magic tricks & stunts (which can be performed in costume), how to get a professional mascot job, behind the scenes look at

Rockets entertainment, & much more!

-Tour of Clutch's Cave (prop & costume room) and a behind the scenes look at Toyota Center

-Camp T-shirt, DVD, Clutch’s 5 children's story books, personalized autographed photo

-See what its like to be Air Clutch

-Lunch and refreshments

-2 LOWER LEVEL TICKETS TO A ROCKETS HOME GAME 10-11 SEASON with a post game meet & greet at mid-court and photos with Clutch!

To Schedule: Camp is already starting to fill up so call Mascot Coordinator, Dominic Davila, at 713-758-7347 to reserve your spot TODAY!
What's that? You're not convinced? Dude...haven't you seen the swinging mascot lifestyle? Well, then take a small sip of room temperature water to cleanse your palate, because you're about to get a mindblowing taste of awesome:

Seriously, I've never seen that much action and adventure outside of a tampon commercial.

Of course, if you stop to think about it, the idea of a fantasy mascot camp is about nine levels of sad. After all, the whole point of a fantasy camp is to let you experience a lifestyle that is forever out of your reach. And while there's no shame in admitting you could never play basketball in the NBA, Clutch's camp is basically saying you don't have what it takes to be a mascot in real life...that the best you could possibly hope for is paying $250 to pretend to be a mascot for about nine hours.

But you get a free t-shirt!

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Blogger Will said...
"that the best you could possibly hope for is paying $250 to pretend to be a mascot for about nine hours.

But you get a free t-shirt!"
But, but, you forgot the 2 LOWER LEVEL TICKETS TO A ROCKETS HOME GAME 10-11 SEASON with a post game meet & greet at mid-court and photos with Clutch!
And I'm sure the "lower level" is not simply everything in front of the last row in the nosebleeds.

Anonymous Heretic said...
I'd only attend the Toronto Raptors Mascot camp. Stumbling down a flight of stairs wearing roller blades while wearing a costume that resembles a purple dildo with teeth must be a skill that can only be learned from a mascot with years of specialized training.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I would do it, but you're not the Shamwow guy. You didn't convince me.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Mascot "fantasy" camp = nightmarish furry Konzentrationslager.

People actually fork out their hard-earned for this?

Blogger Leland said...
Great Basketball article written by Tommy Heinsohn in 1964 about the aging Celtics, their 7 plays, and Tommy's meanstreak.

Blogger Dooj said...
Nothing on Stern's statement that he's gonna fine Cuban $1 million... Dictatorship at its finest.

Anonymous StottsEra said...
amar'''''''''''e stoudimire's mom

clicky clicky

(from bill simmons twitter)

What about Calvin Murphy's comments about Delonte West and King Crab's mom? Maybe he had her first and now is pissed she went off with a younger dude...

Blogger chris said...
Leland: Seems like you can replace "Tommy Heinsohn" and "1964" with "Kevin Garnett" and "2010" and it'd still be appropriate!

Blogger chris said...
Heretic: Since you brought it's Raptor Mascot Fail AGAIN:

BTW, in Rick Barry camp, do you get the chance to insult Bill Russell AND make granny-style free throws!??!

Blogger chris said...
Watching the Jordan/Rogers, it also resembles the pwnag3 that His Airness put on Antoine Walker's bank account on the team bus poker game!

Blogger chris said...
And it's obvious that King Crab would never run his own camp - videos of him giving up a point would be immediately sent to Beaverton, Oregon to be incinerated.

Anonymous Heretic said...

God I just love that video of pure fail.