There are at least one or two of these guys in every pickup league: Hackers. They suck the fun out of the game the way Michael Bay sucked the soul out of the Transformers movie. The following list describes the commandments by which these jerktards operate. To provide you with the proper perspective, each commandment is accompanied by its rating on the Basketbawful Douchebag Scale (TM). Not familiar with the BDS? Here's the scale, with examples, where 1 is the lowest rating and 10 is the highest.

1 = Ross from "Friends"
2 = Scrappy Doo
3 = Your high school valedictorian
4 = Buddies who don't buy a round when you go out
5 = Paris Hilton
6 = The French
7 = The New England Patriots (prior to Tom Brady's injury)
8 = Kobe Bryant
9 = Tom Cruise
10 = Clay Bennett

Now, on to the commandments:

1. Thou shall slap, grab and hold at every opportunity: Hackers often take immense pride in their ability to play "defense." And, indeed, it is often difficult to score against Hackers, but not because they adhere to fundamental defensive principles like moving their feet and keeping a hand in the offensive player's shot pocket. It's because they've usually got a paw on your back and a knee up your ass. If you're holding the ball, they'll slap your arms. If you beat them on a drive, they'll bump you and maybe grab your jersey. If you try to move and cut without the ball, they'll try to hold or push you. Basically, it's like ballroom dancing with an angry, autistic octopus. With rabies. BDS Rating: 4

2. Thou shall protest every call: There must be a hospital somewhere that provides specialized lobotomies in which the human sense of shame and basic grasp on reality is surgically removed. I can offer no more reasonable explanation than that for the fact that Hackers believe, with every fiber of their twisted being, that they are completely and wholly incapable of committing a foul (except in some rare circumstances; see Commandment 5 below). They will moan, they will groan, they will call both your intelligence and (more often) honor into question. Furthermore, they have perfected the frustrated headshake and incredulous look. If these actions don't make you want to spend the rest of your life punching them in the genitals, it's only because you don't have hands. BDS Rating: 6

3. Thou shall call terrible fouls thyself: It's bad enough they have to strenously object every time a foul is called on them, but you cannot touch these people. Looking at them harshly during a jump shot will result in a shriek of "Got one!" They are also the undisputed Kings of the embarrassment call...so don't even bother trying to block their shot, because it can't be done cleanly, no matter how cleanly you do it. But Hackers take this superdickery to an even more insideous level in that they make calls that are never, ever called in pickup ball, like offensive fouls, three seconds, and palming. Why, I've even seen these guys call over-the-line violations during inbounds plays. In many cases, these people spend more time officiating the game than playing it. And it that doesn't make you want to stomp their genitals into paste, check your pulse. You might be dead. BDS Rating: 7

4. Thou shall mumble under thy breath: Although most Hackers are supreme idiots, even they realize -- either through experience or some primal instinct -- that they can't argue every foul called against them, or call every foul they imagine. So, in those rare cases where they "swallow their whistles," they instead try to sow the seed of doubt by turning away, lowering their head and mumbling something so that everybody in the gym can hear it. "Man, that guy travels every time. " "Jesus Christ, that was a foul." "Boy, I should have called that one." "Oh, so that's how they play here." "Well fine, I'm really going to foul him next time." So on and so forth. The goal of these utterances is two-fold: To get into their opponent's head and to make the other players believe that there's something wrong with that person and not the Hacker himself. I know it sounds crazy, but it totally works. Once people here that someone "travels all the time" for instance, people start calling that person for steps every time they make a good move. I've been victimized by this several times. It shouldn't work, because Hackers don't have much clout, and yet it almost always does. Probably because some of the pickup players aren't familar with the Hacker, and others get so gassed they don't remember who said it, they just remember it was said...and therefore must be true. BDS Rating: 3

5. Thou shall commit "flagrant fouls": The official NBA rule book defines a flagrant foul as one "where unnecessary and/or excessive contact occurs." Well, that's what a Hacker does when he's been beaten so spectacularly that he can't do anything but foul in a very obvious way. Example 1: You're running down the court on a fast break and they grab you in a bear hug. Example 2: You beat them off the dribble for what should be an easy layup, but they grab your arm and pull you around as hard as they can. Example 3: You work your way to an easy shot and they hit you as hard as they can while trying to make it look like an attempted shot block. To cover for the blatant nature of this action, they will usually call the foul for you and pretend as though they're sorry. But they aren't, because see, most people who are truly remorseful for something don't repeat that thing. Hackers, on the other hand, pull these types of shenanigans over and over again. BDS Rating: 10

6. Thou shall woefully overestimate thine own abilities: Hackers can never quite grasp the true level of their talent (which is usually exceptionally low). They typically believe, very sincerely, that they are among the best players on the floor...if not the best. As a consequence they pass rarely and shoot without remorse. These guys lack conscience to the degree that a search of their basement or crawl space would probably lead to the discovery of multiple decomposing bodies. I'm not saying for certain that every Hacker is a heartless serial killer, but if local cheerleaders start disappearing, the investigation should start with him.

Hackers are exceptionally damaging to teams that are trying to play sound, fundamental basketball. See, the opposing team knows the Hacker will gun from anywhere and everywhere, so they just lay off and leave him open from long distance. Then, if you get double-teamed and pass to the open man, you will be betrayed by fate because the Hacker is always the open man. BDS Rating: 3 (under normal circumstances) or 10 (in game point scenarios)

7. Thou shall disparage thy teammates: The flipside of a Hacker's bizarre and inexplicable megalomania is the condescending manner in which they treat their teammates. They question their 'mates shot selection and complain loudly when someone makes a mistake or fails to pass them the ball when they're "open" (which is always). They'll try to coach their team while mocking them openly (and often loudly) to members of the opposing team. ("Can you believe these guys?" "Man these guys are awful." "They never give me the ball." etc.) Hackers are the pickup basketball equivalent of the lockerroom cancer. BDS Rating: 5

8. Thou shall exercise creative scorekeeping: Since I don't have the power to read minds nor the authority to administer painful torture to their genitals, it's impossible to accurately determine whether Hackers are deviously cunning or simply ignorant. Whichever the case, scoring "irregularities" tend to follow them the way a Secret Service agent would tail the president's daughter at a frat party. And, of course, the mistakes always seem to favor their team. Whether they're adding a point or two to their score or subtracting a point or two from yours, Hackers always seem to take advantage of the occasional lull in which the score is not called out for several possessions. The typical strategy is to then call out the new, adjusted score just loud enough for a few people to hear, so that when the inevitable argument breaks out, they can say, "Hey, I just called out the score a minute ago." And sure enough, those few people who heard them will grudgingly admit, "Yeah, I did here him call it" even though they won't be totally sure if it was correct.

Best case scenario, somebody was smart enough to keep track of the real score and is beligerent enough to out-scream the Hacker. Worst case, your team just gets screwed. Although, more often than not, some middle-ground compromise will be reached ("Let's just call it 9-8" or "Let's say it's tied at 12-12"). BDS Rating: 8

Note: Think I missed a Commandment? Email me or leave it in the comments. If our panel of experts agrees, we'll add it to the list.

Labels: Douchebag Scale, hackers, pickup basketball