This is the not-very-long awaited follow-up to the original Hacker's Commandments post. In case you can't identify the Hacker in your pickup league, he is the schmuck who makes playing basketball an experience akin to, well, this Weird Al video. They live their athletic lives by these commandments, each of which is ranked on the Basketbawful Douchebag Scale (TM), where 1 is the lowest rating and 10 is the highest. For example:

1 = The Snuggle Fabric Softener Bear and the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee
2 = Lieutenant Proctor from the "Police Academy" movies
3 = Poets
4 = Your younger brother and/or kid sister
5 = Anyone who "summers in Nantucket"
6 = Frasier and Niles Crane
7 = New York Yankees fans
8 = Kobe Bryant
9 = Buzz Bissinger, Jim Rome, Sean Salisbury (three-way tie)
10 = Clay Bennett

9. Thou shall always overreact to thy successes: Inspired by cubee: On those rare occasions when they score or make a sound defensive play, Hacker's tend to yell, pump their fists, do the Antoine Walker shimmy, wagging a finger, and/or talk trash. For instance, a few weeks ago I was lighting this guy up and I could tell it was making him angry. Not surprisingly, he mugged me while I was trying to complete a fastbreak layup. Even though he body-blocked me out of bounds, he must have felt this was a clean move since he loudly smacked the ball as well. He immediately starting screaming and flexing like Alonzo Mourning, then yelled, "Get the f*** outta here!" BDS rating: 7

Note: This behavior can sometimes delightfully backfire...


10. Thou shall constantly excuse thy failures: Since the Hacker is like a perfectly-tuned athletic machine with a computer-like brain, they are incapable of making mistakes or missing shots. Or at least they think they should be incapable of those things. Which is why, when they err, you will get a variety of exceptionally creative reasons why. From davidd: "They scream after every missed shot, 'What is wrong with me today! I usually make those!'" From ak dave: "Thou shalt blame the basketball, gym floor, rim, backboard, teammates, Sarah Palin, or anything but thyself for egregious errors thou hast committed. Even in the case of a blatant double-dribble; it was not thy fault." BDS Rating: 5

11. Thou shall play the injury card: From bj: "Would injury-related fuckery count? The guy who (loudly and repeatedly) stresses that he's playing a month after slipping on some ice and straining his knee; includes calling timeouts to fiddle with Ace bandages and swallow aspirins. Square it if they sneer at anyone who actually does go down with an injury, and cube it if that anyone is their own teammate or is hurt by a hard foul they committed." One addition: This also applies to the guys who "tweak an ankle" or something to that effect, hobble around like they can't move for several minutes, then suddenly sprint out on a fast break or pull of some incredible move for game point as if nothing whatsoever was wrong with their injured body part...because, of course, there never was. BDS Rating: 6

12. Thou shall talk the talk without walking the walk: From an anonymous commenter: "Thou shalt shit-talk incessantly, even when thou hast done nothing to improve thy team's lot. Hackers are often the ones talking the most shit, acting the most smug after winning, basking in a glow of superiority, even though they've scored one basket all game. On a cherry-pick layup. Which rolled around the rim three times." BDS Rating: 6

13. Thou shall cherry pick: Quick question: Am I the only person driven to a near-homocidal rage when somebody cherry picks? Especially when they follow it up with an excessive celebration, ala Commandment 9. If I suddenly stop writing for this site, Footbawful and Deadspin and nobody hears from me, chances are I am either in prison or awaiting trail for the murder of a cherry picker. In which case, please start baking my cake-with-a-file in it immediately. BDS Rating: Anywhere from 1 (if the Hacker's team is getting blown out and the point is meaningless) to 10 (on game point of hotly contested games)

14. Thou shall scam thy way into games: From ak dave: "Thou shalt always have 'next' regardless of when thou arrivest at thy gym. Upon losing, as it was clearly not thy fault, thou shalt have 'next' anyway." Personal anecdote: This tactic became so popular at my gym that the beginning of every game was preceded by a five-minute argument about who actually had next. The gym manager finally posted a signup sheet, which actually eradicated the practice. Who knew a simple piece of paper could have so much social power. BDS Rating: Anywhere from 4 (if there aren't many people present) to 10 (extremely crowded gym with many people waiting)

15. Thou shalt wear an excess of protective gear: From five pound bag: "Hackers come to the game with a duffel full of ankle braces, knee pads, shooting sleeves and two pairs of Rec Specs (one indoor, one outdoor) and spend ten minutes putting all that crap on while explain why they need it ('Yeah, strained my Achilles a couple years ago when I was fighting through a screen -- total moving pick, had to call the foul on that -- but I can't change the way I play, it's the right way, fundamentals man, fundamentals...' etc. etc.)." I have two words to explain this phenomenon: Battle armor. BDS Scale: 2

16. Thou shall respond to thine mistakes with berserker rage: From brandon: "There is an undeniable law under the heavens that states that when a douchebag gets blocked or gets thier pocket picked, they suddenly turn it into supreme overdrive and run around frantically trying to re-steal or re-block from the very opponent who has embarrassed them. This usually leads to them tripping and/or fouling. Frequently, it ends in an injury, where they limp off the court. Note: This phenomenon can also be triggered by a blown lay-up." BDS Rating: Anywhere from 5 to 10, depending on the severity of the rage and how long it lasts

17. Thou shall loudly call "And one!" to declaim every foul: From ben: "I hate that. You have to actually make the FG to get an 'And one!" you numbskull. And since we don't shoot free throws in pickup ball, technically there is never an "and one" situation. So shut up, you hack." Agreed. I've made my feelings on this subject known. BDS Rating: 8

18. Thou shall emulate this guy: This is for you, fluxland. BDS Rating: 10

Labels: fan submissions, hackers, pickup basketball

There are at least one or two of these guys in every pickup league: Hackers. They suck the fun out of the game the way Michael Bay sucked the soul out of the Transformers movie. The following list describes the commandments by which these jerktards operate. To provide you with the proper perspective, each commandment is accompanied by its rating on the Basketbawful Douchebag Scale (TM). Not familiar with the BDS? Here's the scale, with examples, where 1 is the lowest rating and 10 is the highest.

1 = Ross from "Friends"
2 = Scrappy Doo
3 = Your high school valedictorian
4 = Buddies who don't buy a round when you go out
5 = Paris Hilton
6 = The French
7 = The New England Patriots (prior to Tom Brady's injury)
8 = Kobe Bryant
9 = Tom Cruise
10 = Clay Bennett

Now, on to the commandments:

1. Thou shall slap, grab and hold at every opportunity: Hackers often take immense pride in their ability to play "defense." And, indeed, it is often difficult to score against Hackers, but not because they adhere to fundamental defensive principles like moving their feet and keeping a hand in the offensive player's shot pocket. It's because they've usually got a paw on your back and a knee up your ass. If you're holding the ball, they'll slap your arms. If you beat them on a drive, they'll bump you and maybe grab your jersey. If you try to move and cut without the ball, they'll try to hold or push you. Basically, it's like ballroom dancing with an angry, autistic octopus. With rabies. BDS Rating: 4

2. Thou shall protest every call: There must be a hospital somewhere that provides specialized lobotomies in which the human sense of shame and basic grasp on reality is surgically removed. I can offer no more reasonable explanation than that for the fact that Hackers believe, with every fiber of their twisted being, that they are completely and wholly incapable of committing a foul (except in some rare circumstances; see Commandment 5 below). They will moan, they will groan, they will call both your intelligence and (more often) honor into question. Furthermore, they have perfected the frustrated headshake and incredulous look. If these actions don't make you want to spend the rest of your life punching them in the genitals, it's only because you don't have hands. BDS Rating: 6

3. Thou shall call terrible fouls thyself: It's bad enough they have to strenously object every time a foul is called on them, but you cannot touch these people. Looking at them harshly during a jump shot will result in a shriek of "Got one!" They are also the undisputed Kings of the embarrassment call...so don't even bother trying to block their shot, because it can't be done cleanly, no matter how cleanly you do it. But Hackers take this superdickery to an even more insideous level in that they make calls that are never, ever called in pickup ball, like offensive fouls, three seconds, and palming. Why, I've even seen these guys call over-the-line violations during inbounds plays. In many cases, these people spend more time officiating the game than playing it. And it that doesn't make you want to stomp their genitals into paste, check your pulse. You might be dead. BDS Rating: 7

4. Thou shall mumble under thy breath: Although most Hackers are supreme idiots, even they realize -- either through experience or some primal instinct -- that they can't argue every foul called against them, or call every foul they imagine. So, in those rare cases where they "swallow their whistles," they instead try to sow the seed of doubt by turning away, lowering their head and mumbling something so that everybody in the gym can hear it. "Man, that guy travels every time. " "Jesus Christ, that was a foul." "Boy, I should have called that one." "Oh, so that's how they play here." "Well fine, I'm really going to foul him next time." So on and so forth. The goal of these utterances is two-fold: To get into their opponent's head and to make the other players believe that there's something wrong with that person and not the Hacker himself. I know it sounds crazy, but it totally works. Once people here that someone "travels all the time" for instance, people start calling that person for steps every time they make a good move. I've been victimized by this several times. It shouldn't work, because Hackers don't have much clout, and yet it almost always does. Probably because some of the pickup players aren't familar with the Hacker, and others get so gassed they don't remember who said it, they just remember it was said...and therefore must be true. BDS Rating: 3

5. Thou shall commit "flagrant fouls": The official NBA rule book defines a flagrant foul as one "where unnecessary and/or excessive contact occurs." Well, that's what a Hacker does when he's been beaten so spectacularly that he can't do anything but foul in a very obvious way. Example 1: You're running down the court on a fast break and they grab you in a bear hug. Example 2: You beat them off the dribble for what should be an easy layup, but they grab your arm and pull you around as hard as they can. Example 3: You work your way to an easy shot and they hit you as hard as they can while trying to make it look like an attempted shot block. To cover for the blatant nature of this action, they will usually call the foul for you and pretend as though they're sorry. But they aren't, because see, most people who are truly remorseful for something don't repeat that thing. Hackers, on the other hand, pull these types of shenanigans over and over again. BDS Rating: 10

6. Thou shall woefully overestimate thine own abilities: Hackers can never quite grasp the true level of their talent (which is usually exceptionally low). They typically believe, very sincerely, that they are among the best players on the floor...if not the best. As a consequence they pass rarely and shoot without remorse. These guys lack conscience to the degree that a search of their basement or crawl space would probably lead to the discovery of multiple decomposing bodies. I'm not saying for certain that every Hacker is a heartless serial killer, but if local cheerleaders start disappearing, the investigation should start with him.

Hackers are exceptionally damaging to teams that are trying to play sound, fundamental basketball. See, the opposing team knows the Hacker will gun from anywhere and everywhere, so they just lay off and leave him open from long distance. Then, if you get double-teamed and pass to the open man, you will be betrayed by fate because the Hacker is always the open man. BDS Rating: 3 (under normal circumstances) or 10 (in game point scenarios)

7. Thou shall disparage thy teammates: The flipside of a Hacker's bizarre and inexplicable megalomania is the condescending manner in which they treat their teammates. They question their 'mates shot selection and complain loudly when someone makes a mistake or fails to pass them the ball when they're "open" (which is always). They'll try to coach their team while mocking them openly (and often loudly) to members of the opposing team. ("Can you believe these guys?" "Man these guys are awful." "They never give me the ball." etc.) Hackers are the pickup basketball equivalent of the lockerroom cancer. BDS Rating: 5

8. Thou shall exercise creative scorekeeping: Since I don't have the power to read minds nor the authority to administer painful torture to their genitals, it's impossible to accurately determine whether Hackers are deviously cunning or simply ignorant. Whichever the case, scoring "irregularities" tend to follow them the way a Secret Service agent would tail the president's daughter at a frat party. And, of course, the mistakes always seem to favor their team. Whether they're adding a point or two to their score or subtracting a point or two from yours, Hackers always seem to take advantage of the occasional lull in which the score is not called out for several possessions. The typical strategy is to then call out the new, adjusted score just loud enough for a few people to hear, so that when the inevitable argument breaks out, they can say, "Hey, I just called out the score a minute ago." And sure enough, those few people who heard them will grudgingly admit, "Yeah, I did here him call it" even though they won't be totally sure if it was correct.

Best case scenario, somebody was smart enough to keep track of the real score and is beligerent enough to out-scream the Hacker. Worst case, your team just gets screwed. Although, more often than not, some middle-ground compromise will be reached ("Let's just call it 9-8" or "Let's say it's tied at 12-12"). BDS Rating: 8

Note: Think I missed a Commandment? Email me or leave it in the comments. If our panel of experts agrees, we'll add it to the list.

Labels: Douchebag Scale, hackers, pickup basketball