Here's an item you'll never, ever, ever see on my annual Christmas List: A life-sized Kobe Bryant bobblehead doll. I am not making this up. For a mere $13,000. That's actually cheaper than the Shaq, Allen Iverson and Yao Ming life-sizers they came out with a few years ago. Those babies were $27,000 each. I guess the economy is even affecting the life-sized bobblehead market.

Anyway, the Kobe-doll is available for pre-order and will be shipped out in September. I wonder if you can order one that's fitted with a custom t-shirt...

[Hat tip: Deadspin, via Chris.]

Labels: bobbleheads, Kobe Bryant, nightmare fuel

Steve Nash isn't the only pale-faced former MVP to be immortalized in the NBA's collectible bobblepop lack-tion figure series. Dirk Nowitzki has also received the glorious "bobble and lollipop" treatment. Or should I say "Dirk Nowitzki"?


I already know what you're thinking, and the answer is: Yes! The Dirk doll also transforms into a savory yet unmistakably phallic lollipop that emerges seductively from Herr Nowitzki's man region. My funny bone was once again tickled by the fact that the doll's shorts have to come off to reveal the hidden candy inside. A case of art imitating life...or life imitating art?


Much like the Nash doll, Dirk's doppleganger doesn't really look all that much like The Flying Dutchman. I mean, look at it. The designers obviously didn't know how to handle Dirk's Teen Wolf-like facial hair, so they just drew on a goatee and added a stripe on either side of his mouth. That combined with what I've been told is a neanderthal-like protruding brow make the doll look less like Dirk and more like a Geico caveman. Think I'm wrong? You be the judge.

Labels: bobbleheads, cavemen, Dirk Nowitzki, merchandise, Steve Nash

Life is funny. Sometimes you find something awesome, and sometimes something awesome finds you. In this case, a little of both happened when our good friend Evil Ted stumbled across this Steve Nash bobblepop doll at a Blockbuster video in Oak Park, Illinois. A bargain at only $5 plus tax? Absolutely.

Now, I'm only guessing this doll is supposed to be Steve Nash because it's wearing a Phoenix Suns jersey with a number 13 on it...just like Captain Canada himself. But this might be a pretty big assumption considering the fact that "Nash" looks like the mutant love child of Pee-wee Herman and Annie Lennox. Which, come to think of it, pretty much means it just looks like Annie Lennox. You think I'm kidding? No way. And I can assure you that sweet dreams are not made of these.


Also take note of the raised, Cro-Magnon Neanderthal brow. It's like the first mold was supposed to be one of those Geico cavemen and somebody said, "No, wait, that looks more like NBA superstar Steve Nash! Let's go with it!" And I haven't even told you the best part yet. Remember how I called it a "bobblepop" doll? This means that the doll does more than just shake its disturbing little head while those stunning blue eyes stare directly into your very soul. It also "transforms" into a lollipop. But not just any old lollipop. It becomes the freakiest NBA-licensed lollipop ever. And I have the photographic evidence necessary to back up that claim.


That's right, folks. For only the aforementioned $5 plus tax, you too can lick on delicious candy that's jutting straight out of Steve Nash's nether regions. Seriously, though, couldn't they have at least left his shorts on or something? I'm a big fan and all that, but even I don't want to look down at Nash's bare legs while enjoying a sugary confection. It truly gives new meaning to the term "sucker."

And lest you think this is just my sorry attempt at an April Fool's gag and/or another penis joke, here's the proof that this is indeed an officially-sanctioned piece of NBA merchandise.

Labels: bobbleheads, creepy, licensed products, Steve Nash