"Why did he hit me in the hands? Why?!"
"Why did I hit him in the hands? Why?!"

Labels: Super Bowl, Wes Welker

Kelly Dwyer -- the only other basketball fan I know who can make a Steely Dan reference on the fly -- took some time to remind of the saddest NBA game ever. You know, aside from any of Cleveland's games this year.

Curious about the NBA's stance on baseball? Check out this now-deleted tweet. (h/t Bruce Arthur)
Awesome.

I think we can all agree that the halftime show in this year's Super Bowl was footbawful at its finest/worst. Honestly, Black Eyed Peas, how do you make Slash suck? That takes effort. And putting a bedazzled top hat on him? Sigh. (And Usher? Really? Really?) Anyway, I took the liberty of compiling my favorite tweets from last night related to the halftime show. Kind of a long list, but how could it not be long? That was a long ass halftime show of failure and sadness. And white-suited guys with weird glowing boxes on their heads.

Bill Corbett from Mystery Science Theater 3000:
"Will.U.Are sucking"
"Holy crap, another Superbowl wardrobe malfunction! Will.He.Is has plastic crap all over his head!!"

Matt Sussman:
"This halftime show has been sponsored by the Foundation For A Shittier Life."
"The book of Revelations has come true."

Sports Pickle:
"Apparently in the future there will be a lot of awful music. Thankfully we'll all be dead."
"Troy Polamalu on guitar! Neat!"
"My God. Her voice is like hell. Hell as sound. In my ears. Burning. Burning hell ears."
"I hope this year's wardrobe malfunction is Fergie's throat spontaneously combusting."
"Fergie doesn't need auto-tune. She needs auto-kill. Dallas needs a RoboCop."
"Thank god Axel Rose isn't alive to see this."
"Those things the dancers have on their heads are the new NFL concussion helmets."

Bobby Big Wheel:
"The Black Eyed Peas dancers look like Tron sperm"
"I just like to imagine John Madden asking George W. Bush what the hell is going on in the halftime show."

Free Darko:
"This is like a Kim Jon Il sci-fi epic."
"Really would it have killed Axl and Slash to make up and spare us from this?"
"I wish Usher hadn't made that deal with the devil."
"YOU CANNOT EARNESTLY ASK WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD WHILE DRESSSED UP AS TRON."
"Nice product placement, The Container Store."

Fake Brian Scalabrine: "The Black Eyed Peas are like the Me of Super Bowl Halftime Shows."
Jeff Passan: "I kid you not: My 3-year-old just pointed to Fergie and said, "That lady has testicles." #kidsarethebest
Gus Ramsey: "Why is that guy wearing a Light Bright?"
JosephScrimshaw (during the start of the 3rd quarter of the game): "It would be so awesome if there was a random box head Tron dancer lost & wandering on the field right now."
ArkansasFred: "Let's get retar......er, it started in here!"
NHL player Paul Bissonnette: "Wish they woulda stuck one of those boxes the dancers were wearing on Fergie's head."

Speaking of Bill Corbett, he linked to this gem as well:


"My god, the Giant Spider Invasion prophecy just came true"

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:









Nationally Televised Games:
Timberwolves at Hornets, NBA TV, 8pm: Anyone over at NBA TV want to explain the appeal of this game to me? The Hornets are slumping, yes, but the Timberpoops are frightened that playing defense might result in six more weeks of winter, regardless of whatever that groundhog said the other day. My prediction for this game? Pain (for the viewers, at least).

Suns at Warriors, NBA TV, 10:30pm: Speaking of no defense... Also, random Steve Nash tweet goodness (his response to the retweet is in parentheses).

All The Other Games:
Celtics at Bobcraps, 7pm: Ray Allen. Four treys away from beating Reggie Miller's record. Stephen Jackson. Four techs away from a one-game suspension. Can you guess which of these teams is in a better place right now?

Lakers at Grizzlies, 8pm: Heads up: the last three games between these teams in Memphis have been nail-biters. Also, Memphis has won the last two meetings between these two teams. Could be worth checking out.

Cadavers at Mavericks, 8:30pm: This game could be historical, record-breaking bawful. Why isn't it on national TV??? ABC, ESPN, TNT, and NBA TV, get your priorities straight!

Rockets at Nuggets, 9pm: Fun stat of the day: Denver is 28-6 when scoring at least 103 points, and 2-15 the rest of the time. Hey Rockets, just FYI, you might want to consider playing defense for a change tonight.

Bulls at Frail Blazers, 10pm: Word of warning: the Bulls do not fare well in trips to Portland. They've dropped 9 of 11 at the Rose Garden, and the Blazers have been putting up some nice offense the past few games. (Of course, playing against Cleveland will do that to you. Said Andre Miller: "You don't want to be the top headline: 'Streak ends to Portland Trail Blazers.' Guys took a little pride in that.")

Jazz at Kings, 10pm: Can someone please tell me what's going on with the Jazz? This team is just all over the map. Deron Williams is banged up and the entire team just looks like they don't want to be on the court. And yet they're still in much better shape than the Purple Paupers. Jerry Sloan FTW.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Fergie frightens and confuses me, Super Bowl

If Ronnie James Dio was still alive, Richard Jefferson would tell him the Spurs are definitely not the Last in Line for at title run
To celebrate the Steelers' appearance in this weekend's Super Bowl, watch Pittsburgh Penguins' backup goalie Brent Johnson get in his first NHL fight, and break Islanders goalie Rick DiPietro's face with one punch. And I mean that literally -- he broke his face. DiPietro has facial fractures and will be out 4-6 weeks. To anyone familiar with DiPietro's injury history (he's down with injuries almost as often as Yao Ming), it isn't surprising, but still. Way to lock him up with a 15 year contract, Islanders! (Hockeyawful? It doesn't roll off the tongue very well, but it is indeed awful hockey)


Damn.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:


Woah.


Vladimir Radmanovic is digusted, dumbfounded, or just ugly. Take your pick.

Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Mavericks at Celtics, ESPN, 8pm: For some reason, Dirk Nowitzki loves playing the Celtics. His 27.3 points per game against Boston is his highest against any team, and he actually averages 27.7 ppg at the TD Garden. Too bad Boston couldn't find a way to wrangle him away from the Mavs -- they'd be unstoppable!

Jazz at Nuggets, ESPN, 10:30pm: Why is Denver always so unpredictable? They are competitive and have a fantastic home record, but they lose stupid games against mediocre to crappy teams on the road.

All The Other Friday Games:
Frail Blazers at Pacers, 7pm: I need to reiterate something truly, truly depressing: Indiana, with all of 19 wins and 27 losses so far, is just one game behind Charlotte for the 8th seed in the playoffs. Way to go, Leastern Conference. This is why you can't have nice things.

Knicks at 76ers, 7pm: The Sixers have won 7 of their last 10 (and are now being referred to in the media as "surging," of course). However, fool's gold? Those wins have been over the Bucks, Bobcraps, Jazz (who were in a bad slump), Suns, Craptors, Nuggets, and Nyets.

Magic at Wizards Generals, 7pm: Ruh roh. This is the first trip back to Washington for Gilbert Arenas since the trade...

Timberwolves at Craptors, 7pm: Oh good grief. The Craptors are riding a 13 game losing streak, and need to win this one to avoid their longest losing streak in more than 13 years. The good news? They get to play the Timberwolves, who have a defense roughly as non-existent as the Craptors'. The bad news? The fossilized dinos lost to the Timberwolves just a week ago. But at least it will be uptempo since, as The Other Chris noted, "Not a thimble of defense will be played..."

Heat at Bobcraps, 7pm: While the Bobcraps have really turned things around, they still aren't that great of a team, and they still can't beat quality competition. Case in point, they've been outscored by an average of 11 points in two games against the Heat this year.

Clippers at Hawks, 7:30pm: BRB, gonna review my earthquake emergency safety drill plans just in case Blake Griffin throws down a dunk so violent it moves the Earth.

Nyets at Pistons, 7:30pm: Eleven straight road losses for the Nyets? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Cadavers at Grizzlies, 8pm: The Cadavers -- back when they were still on life support and not clinically dead -- managed to beat the Grizzlies back in late November and in fact had a 7-9 record after that game. Since then? That train has derailed, exploded, and another train has crashed into the remains. Injuries, incompetence, and general sucktitude mean they've lost 32 of the last 33 games, and 22 consecutive.

Thunder at Suns, 9pm: The Suns have won 8 of their last 11, but perhaps more notably, they have held their last three opponents to an average of only 83 points. Okay, yeah, one of those was Milwaukee, so that tends to skew the numbers a little, but still. What the hell? When did they decide "oh, yeah, maybe we should play a little defense?"

Spurs at Kings, 10pm: And thus begins the streak of six consecutive opponents with losing records. Yeah, I'd say the rodeo road trip isn't that bad this year.

* * *

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:
Hawks at Wizards Generals, NBA TV, 7pm: Since it's not a road game, the Generals have a small chance of winning. You know, assuming the Hawks don't start doing some Globetrotters trick shots. If that's the case, they're screwed.

All The Other Saturday Games:
Mavericks at Bobcraps, 7pm: Mark Cuban has announced that he's open to the idea of renting a player like Carmelo. What, you mean Brian Cardinal isn't going to take you to a title?

Frail Blazers at Cadavers, 7:30pm: Portland fans get to look Cleveland right in the eye and say "Injuries? Big f'ing deal you've got injuries!!"

Lakers at Hornets, 8pm: Interesting post: Is Kobe Bryant a black hole?

Grizzlies at Rockets, 8:30pm: And suddenly, Memphis is above .500 -- so of course here come the Rockets to annoy and pester them.

Pistons at Bucks, 8:30pm: Well, Milwaukee fans, you need something to watch instead of this game as well, so try this: corgis playing tetherball. ("AWWWWWWWWW!")

Nuggets at Timberwolves, 8:30pm: Defensive optional? Defense nonexistent. Wooooooo.

Thunder at Jazz, 9pm: A great Northwest division battle, and a great contrast of styles. The Jazz have one of the highest assist totals in the league. The Thunder... not so much.

Bulls at Warriors, 10:30pm: The Warriors are only five games shy of equaling their win total for all of last season. And yet they're still twelve games back in the Pacific standings. Progress...?

* * *

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:
Magic at Celtics, ABC, 2:30pm: Realization I just had: the Celtics are one of the best teams in the league this year despite being only 29th in rebounds per game. It's pretty reasonable to assume rebounding is one of the more important aspects of a basketball game, but is it possible for a really, really good defense to outweigh that? (looks at other teams) Yeah, the Timberwolves lead the league in rebounds, and you're well aware of their "defense." I think that answers that question.

All The Other Sunday Games:
Clippers at Heat, 12pm: Blake Griffin may be a beast, but the Clippers are not a fundamentally solid team, and therefore not a good road team. And they only have one more home game the entire rest of the month of February, and that game is against the Celtics. I hate to be the bearer of bad news (okay, I'm lying, it's about basketball, I love being the bearer of bad news), but that miraculous run for a playoff berth isn't looking very good at this point...

Pacers at Nyets, 12pm: What, you mean this game is not being played opposite the Super Bow later this evening??

76ers at Knicks, 12pm: Amazing how these two teams have reversed directions in the past month, isn't it?

Labels: Bawful After Dark, man love, Super Bowl

Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. From "The Greatest Team of All Time" to "The Greatest Super Bowl Flop of All Time." Just like that.

Brady spreads his legs for the Giants defense...

...then bends over for a thorough sodomization.

Labels: failure, New England Patriots, Super Bowl, Tom Brady