Chapter 14
Game 1, Chicago
Lakers 103, Celtics 89



Bill and I stare at the TV screen with dead expressions as the clock ticks down to 0:00. At the buzzer, Bill tries to pull himself together.

“No problem,” he says, his hand limp over the edge of the near-empty bowl of Cheetos. “If we win game 2, we steal home court. Just need one of the first two.”

I shrug and slump. “I don’t know,” I say. “Maybe it’s just better if we get swept.”

Bill looks at me like I’ve just threatened his children. “Excuse me?” he says.

“I don’t know,” I say. “If it goes seven games, you know how much more heartbreaking that’ll be than just getting swept?”

Bill stands. Behind him on the screen, Lakers guard Kobe Bryant is doing his happy-go-lucky post-game interview, smiling from ear to ear.

“Look, I know you have your trip coming up in a few days,” Bill says, pointing an orange-stained finger at me, “and I realize that a long, drawn out series could make your life a little tougher, but I’m not going to tolerate quitter talk.”

Suddenly, the Elvis Presley version of Glory, Glory, Halleluiah starts playing under Bill’s words.

“You think Larry Bird was ready to quit with his team down 2-1 in the ’84 Finals?” Bill says.

I shake my head.

“No!” Bill says. “And what happened?”

I reply in a weary, defeated voice. “They won game 4,” I say.

“And then took the Championship,” Bill says, “And you think when Larry, or John Havlicek for that matter, were in trouble in their respective Eastern Conference Finals games with 5 seconds left to play, that either of them decided to quit? No they didn’t. What did they do?”

“They stole the ball.”

“That’s right,” Bill says. “Twenty-two years apart, they each stole the ball.”

Bill starts to pace a bit, like a coach delivering a great halftime speech. Even with an orange Cheeto hand, he’s kind of inspiring.

“And when Bill Russell faced the demons of racism, sometimes from his own team’s fans, what did he do?”

I stare. For a second, I’m not sure what answer Bill is looking for, but then I realize there is no wrong answer.

“He persevered?” I say.

Bill rolls with it. “He persevered,” he repeats, pointing at me. Flecks of orange salt fly in my direction, “and oh yeah, he only revolutionized the game of basketball and won 11 championships, that’s all. No big deal.”

I lean forward on the couch. I’m starting to feel it.

“WWLBD, baby,” Bill says.

I look confused.

“What would Larry Bird do?” he says.

Bill knows how to get to me. He knows about the Larry shrine in the basement. He knows my dad took me to John Havlicek’s last game, and even though I didn’t understand the relevance of it at the time, it set the stage for my worship of Bird. He knows that I was in attendance for “the Duel” against Dominique and the Hawks. And he knows that despite the responsibilities of home and family that keep me from spending crazy amounts of money to attend games, my blood runs green.

“And finally,” Bill says. “Do you think this narrative is compelling to anyone if you’re a whiner and a mope?”

I shake my head.

“That’s right,” Bill says. “Nobody likes a whiner. So what are we gonna do?”

“Take game 2,” I say. And I actually believe it.

“Damn straight,” Bill says.

We both look at the TV. Kobe Bryant is finishing his standard drivel interview.

….we just have to take this series one game at a time.

“Maybe just a good ankle sprain,” Bill says, eying Kobe. “Just something to slow him down.”

“No,” I say. “We want them at full strength. Beating them means more when everyone’s healthy.”

Bill looks to me. “That’s the spirit!” he says. “That was just a test. You passed.”

I’m not sure it was a test, but I’ll take the passing grade anyway.

The TV interviewer pulls back the microphone and turns to the camera. It’s Stache.

“Thank you, Kobe,” he says. “And now, back to you for answers to larger questions, like ‘Who the hell is John Havlicek?’”

************

Links:
Travelling: Intro / Book Jacket, Chapter 1: Cribbagegate, Chapter 2: Two e-mails, Chapter 3: Pattern, Chapter 4: Shattered, Chapter 5: Hilarious Pee, Chapter 6: Suicide, Chapter 7/8: Coaching High school, Shark attacks and appetizers, Chapter 9: June, Chapter 10: 18 and oh no, Chapter 11: DNA, Chapter 12: Peanut Butter Sandwiches, Chapter 13: Tom Brady and the McGuffin, Chapter 14: Game 1, Chapter 15: Who the H is John Havlicek?

Labels: chapter 14, Evil Ted, Game 1, traveling

I go into these Finals with a bias resembling that of everyone outside the greater Miami area – I hate the Heat. Whether that hate is rational is another story. In the face of my bias, I will nonetheless try to point out bawfulness whether or not it resides in a Heat uniform.


In a related story, Oakland Raider fans deemed "sane."

Hell, I might even point out awfulness on other channels. Did you know America’s Got Talent? Well, now I do. Think a LeBron James dunk is more thrilling than a man standing in water juggling 500,000 volt tasers attached to sticks? Well, what happens to LeBron when he misses a dunk? He just misses the dunk. You know what happens to taser juggler if he falters? Instant, public, humiliating death – on a stick. Literally.

Side note: Should the Finals loser be subjected to instant, public, humiliating death? Discuss.

Alright, let’s get on with it:

Erik Spoelstra has an opening interview in which he is finally starting to tone down the drama talk about all that his team has been through. Perhaps the Heat public relations folk have finally given him a talking to (after they read this blog of course).

In this Interview, Spo uses terms like “A little bit uncomfortable” “a little bit of adversity”…that’s more like it. Thanks, Erik, yes…a slow start and a five game losing streak a few months ago is does not quite equal the “a lot of heartache” you’ve been touting in the past.

1st Quarter:

5:46 remaining – teams combine for 4 for 19 shooting. Feeling each other out. Typical start for two teams shaking off the nerves.

3:26 left – LeBron puts his hand into Kidd’s forearm after a three-pointer is away. It’s almost like he does this to get into the shooter’s head. Still, it’s dangerous – while a look at NBA rules reveals nothing to prevent this, officials call it, altogether now…inconsistently. Still, LeBron is at home, so I think he’ll be OK.

37.3 – Jason Terry gets fouled trying to dunk on LeBron. Jeff Van Gundy (JVG) indicates it could be an offensive foul. “If anything that could have been an offensive foul, wiping away.” Replay shows Terry extended the off arm, but LeBron was all over him and an offensive foul call would have been absurd. I’m starting to think that JVG is addicted to contrarianism – whatever you have to say, whatever is the standard line of thought, he will question it, play Devil’s advocate, consider an alternative line of thinking. At times, this results in the most brilliant, insightful commentary. At others, it makes you wonder if he’s smoking the peyote.

:15 – James “almost” gets his third foul elbowing Barea in the face. Slow motion replay shows Barea was trying to sell it. Good no call.


Pictured: Stifling _allas _efense

2nd quarter:

11:26 – Bosh with a nasty slam off a Lebron miss. Miami up: 18-17

10:07 – Haslem and Miller double-team Dirk, earning a jump ball. Defense on Dirk has been solid, making the German seem out of rhythm.

Side Note: The single benefit to the Heat winning the Finals will be less talk comparing Dirk to Larry Bird. I’ve already made my stance known on this issue

10:02 – Chalmers steals the ball from Barea off the jump. While trying to secure the ball, Chalmers steps out of bounds twice. JVG starts with the peyote talk: “Here’s the thing…if his dribble is released when his foot is on the line, and then it comes up, and then he touches the ball, I don’t think that’s out of bounds. That’s very hard to see, certainly, but…”

For a second, I’m wondering if this is surprise brilliance in a bottle – I mean, has JVG just discovered a new basketball law in which you could jump out of bounds each time the ball leaves your hands during the dribbling motion? Then, of course, a little extra thought makes the whole notion come down like a house of cards – you’d have to reestablish both feet in bounds between each dribble, yada yada. God, what would it be like to live in JVG’s brain for a day?

Anyway, his comment on the dribbling-out-of-bounds argument is deservedly ignored – even by Breen, who is essentially paid to listen to him.

6:54 – Bosh acts his way into an over the back call, negating Haywood’s resulting hook shot. This strikes me as the first play that would qualify for consideration in my Actual Score champion idea. Assuming it’s in effect, Mavs go to +2.

America’s got talent alert:
Amazingly the guy standing in water juggling 1.5 million volts has walked away unharmed. Some dude who just sings and dances, however, manages to almost kill himself falling off stage.

5:44 – Breen, Mark Jackson (MJ), and JVG discuss the way LeBron made his decision: From Breen: “[The Heat are] still a team the fans root against…you take away the decision, you take away the press conference, this is an unselfish team, hard-working team, they play defense, they do all the right things…all lot of people still look at them as villains.” Yes, they do, Mike. I wonder what JVG has to say on the subject?

JVG, quote machine: “You look at LeBron James, he’s never gotten in any type of scandal. All he decided to do was go to a different place to work, and it just shows you that we celebrate athletes that go through addictions, go through problems with the law…this isn’t what LeBron James has had problems with. He made a questionable decision at best to have ‘The Decision’ and I think maybe the Miami Heat organization did themselves a disservice by having that over the top celebration…If that’s all they’ve done wrong, I don’t understand why [the hatred] is prolonged, unless it’s because [fans] don’t like players who jump from one team to another. They like to see what Nowitzki did, stay with one team their whole career.”

JVG’s got me thinking again, that bastard brainiac. Yup, LeBron hasn’t had a whiff of a drug scandal, a misdemeanor, a sexual assault, and yet so many, including myself, despise him for what he did. My best analysis of this would be that we don’t really care what athletes do to themselves or to those around them, no matter how heinous it might be. We are a self-centered society, we are. And when LeBron decided to take his talents to South Beath, and not to my team, or yours – he insulted me, and you – personally. I mean, if he was going to slight his home state, he should have at the very least become a Celtic, right?

JVG has more words to put us all to shame: “Wouldn’t every working American want to choose where they work and who they work with if they could? And so we resent the thing that we would want in our own profession.”

Thanks Jeff, for making me want to kill myself for being such a selfish bastard. And then you have to go and be hilarious too:

JVG: “I think it does bother [LeBron], what other people think of him.”
MJ: “I don’t think it bothers him at all. I think it motivates him to continue to be great.”
JVG: “I disagree with that. I think he was already motivated.”
MJ: “You disagree with everything I say.”
JVG: “I disagree.”

2:18 – Dirk hits an unguardable shot off the glass

1:26 – Chalmers 3 ties the game at 38.

1:12 – Kidd alley oop to Chandler. Awesome. It’s not a Mavs game without at least one of those.

Nearing the half, someone mentions that Stuart Scott has cancer. I feel like I have been under a rock. A googling of “Stuart Sco…” prompts the following top Google suggestions:

Stuart
Stuart Scott cancer
Stuart Scott glass eye

Cancer is ABOVE “glass eye”? Damn, how do I not know this? My TV is on Sports Center all day long. They made a point to tell me Jalen Rose was arrested for DUI, but I missed the big C? See how selfish a society we are? Stuart Scott has cancer, and all I care about is that I didn’t know it. My personal shame meter has reached 8.

Halftime
44-43 Mavericks

Dirk is a pedestrian 4-10, but the Mavs are up one...not a good sign for the heat. Although nothing that seems to be a bad sign for the Heat has really mattered these days, given how they’re finishing games.

Dwayne Wade interview: When asked about all the people who seem to hate the Heat. D Wade takes it 18 intellectual levels down from a typical JVG conversation:

D Wade, Quote machine: “When you look at the letters that’s in HEAT, it equals HATE. You can take HATE right out of HEAT. It’s fitting.”

Dwayne then proceeded to list the rest of the words that can be made from the letter in HEAT:

EAT
ATE
HE
TEA
AT
HAT

Made me think: Forget the basketball court, he might even kick my ass in Boggle.

3rd quarter:

Mavericks open the second half on a 7-0 run. Mavs 51-43, but no lead seems safe…

Fun fact: Graphic indicates that the average age of the Mavs starting five is 32.2 years. Is Jason Kidd 50 or something?

6:30 left – Haywood misses a dunk – Look for it on the "Not top ten."

5:48 – Marion puts Mavs up 57-53

WIRED with Erik Spoelstra:

ES: “This is gonna be a grind. Get into the grind.” I think he has said that over and over in each of the last three playoff series, has he not? Thank the Lord we have young minds like his to fill the coaching void left behind by Phil Jackson.

Haywood steps to the freethrow line: Stat shows his FT shooting at 36 percent in the regular season, 46 percent in the playoffs. How many guys are there in the league could have Kendrick Perkins and Rajon Rondo jointly snicker at his freethrow shooting?

1:11 – James 3-pointer puts the Hate up by 1 – 60-59. And it begins.

0:00 – LeBron sticks another 3 before the buzzer. 65-61 Hate.

4th Quarter:

11:45 – Alley oop to LeBron broken up by...Chris Bosh. Apparently only the Heat can stop the Heat.

11:00 – Miller 3-pointer puts the Heat up 68-63.

Carlisle is upset at a guy in the stands waving a huge flag on Haywood’s freethrows. JVG with a nice quote about Haywood’s crappy FT shooting: “Maybe that’s a good thing, that [Haywood] gets disrupted at the freethrow line.”

10:31 – JVG with a George Bushism quote machine: “Jason Kidd is 38 and he’s playing with the energy and speed of a guard who’s, like, in his 30’s.”

9:28 – Bosh falls all over himself and gets 24 second violation. Ends on the floor hugging the ball. Pure Boshiness.

8:43 – Loose ball foul on Nowitzki. There is nothing there. Horrible call. Only thing the official could have been seeing is Mike Miller a few feet away lunging forward as if pushed. Breen “Didn’t look like there was a lot there.” Actual score adjustment: Mavs +2

7:32 – Ridiculous offensive foul on Chander. Haslem hooks Chandler, who is standing still for a pick. Haslem sells the bologna. JVG: “Dis-a-gree” MJ: “Ditto.” Breen “Haslem sold that pretty well.” Actual score adjustment: Mavs +2.

5:41 – LeBron hits arm after ball gone on a Terry three. No call. As I said earlier, technically not a foul, but risky. But not all that risky at home. Steve Javie ignores Terry flop. No point adjustment.

3:58 – Marion gets a foul call on Mike Miller. Breen: “That’s the right call” JVG: “Ho, ho, ho, [Marion] ducks his head and uses it as a battering ram on Mike Miller. What is Mike Miller supposed to do?” JVG apparently not counting the headlock by Mike Miller as relevant. No point adjustment.

3:44 – Dirk Nowitzki – Clean strip on Chris Bosh, who sells it with a flail. MJ and JVG agree it was a clean strip. Actual score adjustment: Mavs +2.

3:06 – 82-73 – D Wade three makes it 82-73 Hate.

2:48 – Filthy LeBron slam punctuates the finish.



Final - 92-84
With actual score adjustments: 92-92. Damn it. Imaginary overtime? Oh well, the Hate are consistently performing well down the stretch, so we’ll give them this one, grudgingly. Heat up: 1 game to none.

And now comes the news that Dirk has a torn tendon in his finger, so what's it matter now anyway? Heat in 6.

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, Game 1, Miami Heat, nba finals 2011

I go into game 1 of these finals thinking a few things are certain. These certainties are soon obliterated. Let’s play a little before and after, shall we?:

What Evil Ted thinks - before and after:

BEFORE: The Celtics defense is like nothing the Lakers have seen thus far.
AFTER: The Celtics look surprisingly soft and slow and old. A possible explanation is offered up by Tommy Heinsohn on the Mike and Mike show the morning after. Tommy says the C’s are still playing “Magic” defense, which involves one-on-one guarding of the bigs and squelching the 3-point shooting. He says they need to start playing “Laker” defense which involves clogging the paint and MAKING the opponent shoot threes. Apparently Tom Thibodeau forgot he was still being paid to coach the Celtics defense, and not to field head coaching offers from lesser teams. Random thought: Are the Celtics going to be forced to play Sun-style zone? Should they consider it?

BEFORE: The Celtics have dispatched the two “best” teams, by record, in the league, so they will, logically, win this series.
AFTER: Thinking deeper reveals the flawed logic - regular season records are false gods. The West, chocked with a greater number of talented teams who simply play each other more often and therefore water down the records of all its respective teams, is in fact the stronger conference.

BEFORE: If I am a Laker fan, I am worried about the matchups for this series. Who will stop Rondo? Who will chase Allen? Will KG completely neutralize Gasol?
AFTER: If I am a Laker fan, I am not worried about matchups at all. Rondo, apparently, will stop himself, frequently halting in mid-drive when approached by the Laker bigs. Allen will get into foul trouble while supposedly “guarding” Kobe, and KG will look like he’s returned to worrying about his knee while Gasol looks nothing like the “soft” player of two years ago.

And now, the game highlights, lowlights, and random observations:

Commercial:
Stoudemire and Howard combine for a goofy commercial to promote the return of ABC’s regular-person-gets-humiliated-by-large-death-machines show, Wipeout. Think to self, self, that’s why they’re on vacation now. Think you’d see Kobe and KG doing that? Uhm, no. Kobe will sign a form to let you make a muppet out of him to sell shoes, but that’s where the line is drawn.

Opening of the Game:
The Lakers’ PA announcer is the disinterested-and-fey-sounding Lawrence Tanter. By announcer voices alone, the Celtics have a huge advantage. If you put the Celts’ Eddie Palladino and Tanter in a Beat-it-style street fight, Palladino would issue a serious voice-kicking. And then moonwalk.

This is followed up by a Whitney Houston-esque Star-Spangled Banner by Jeffery Osborne. I expect this to also be outdone by Boston. Game 3 will probably have Ben Affleck and Dennis Leary screaming the opening anthem while drunk. Little do I know, the opening ceremonies will be the best part of my night.

1st quarter:
11:33 in 1st – Looks like Artest tries to rip off Pierce’s arm as the two go to the floor with both arms locked against each other, back to back. Double technical called on Pierce and Artest. Worrisome. The Lakers did not have an enforcer like Artest in ’08. He could create problems, and narrow the who’s-a-tougher-team gap significantly.

10:13 left – If Bryant can consistently get to the hole like he just did, watch out for the Lakers. Celts are playing that “Magic” style defense, I guess…

9:58 – Fisher gets his second foul. Could be big.

9:46 - Artest steal from Pierce. Artest looks fresh and why-doesn’t-this-guy-play-for-Boston hungry.

Bynum slam. Lakers up 6-2.

8:41 – Artest gets another steal

7:45 – Rondo makes a jumper, followed by Bryant.

6:34 – Joey Crawford calls a travel on Gasol. Doing so takes him approximately seven seconds. With his eyes, he practically says “I’m going to make my presence felt because of my massive ego and need for attention.” My thoughts immediately turn to Jim Joyce, the umpire who messed up Armando Gallaraga’s perfect game on a badly blown call with two outs in the ninth inning. He immediately said he screwed up and then cried the next day in front of a forgiving Detroit crowd. I think to myself if NBA officials had the same conscience, they’d be in a constant state of malaise and contrition, and would likely have to apply for leave from their respective mental hospitals to officiate games. Fortunately for us, they collectively have no soul.

6:20 – Pierce lay-up past Artest one on one. That’s more like it.

Team Anecdote time:
There is a story about the 100 bucks that Doc Rivers took from every player in an LA regular-season game and placed in the ceiling of the Staples Center visitors’ locker room, only to be retrieved if the C’s made it to the Finals. Jeff Van Gundy (JVG) openly wonders “What if the Lakers hadn’t made it to the Finals?” Good point. Better point? How about some incentive for winning the Finals? Best point: Is 100 bucks really incentive to these guys? Bestest point: The Lakers’ coaching staff is offering 50 bucks for each charge taken in the Finals. What ever happened to the you’re-paid-a-lot-of-money-to-compete-your-ass-off-so-just-friggin-do-it coaching style?

4:50 – Pierce hits jumper with Artest’s hand an inch from face.

Lakers up - 18-13

3:55 – Rasheed enters the game.

3:24 – Artest’s second foul. Legit blocking call.

3:03 – JVG mentions that Ray Allen hasn’t had a burger since he was 19. This astonishes him. Sounds like just another facet of Ray’s obsessive-compulsive traits. At some point, Ray-Ray said to himself “No more fatty greasy burgers” and stuck to it…forever. I find myself cool with whatever messed-up personality disorder keeps Ray Allen practicing three hours before games. Sure, he’s also probably washing his hands forty times before going to bed, but if it works for him, that’s cool.

Celtics have been mediocre, only down 18-16. Encouraging.

Cutting to commercial, we see Ray Allen trying act up some contact with Gasol in slow motion, then smiling. Then going to bench to apply anti-bacterial lotion to his hands.

2:30 – In put back attempt, Gasol yells out and draws a foul. This is the second time in the game he has drawn a foul with nothing but volume.

2:10 - Glen Davis manages to stay in front of Kobe on a drive. JVG (who’s the only guy worth quoting, by the way), notes how well Davis moves for a big man, or semi-big man. Or fire-hydrant man masquerading as big man.

1:23 – Davis draws foul on Odom with a scream of his own. Phil Jackson gives him 50 bucks.

Celts Defense looking average. Which means below average. Someone forgot to tell them they’re in the finals.

“MVP” chants while Kobe shoots free throws. Kobe bows, offers air-kisses. I wonder to myself if the best player of every team will soon be hearing “MVP” chants while shooting free throws. Rondo’s been getting them. He better pick up his play, or he’s going to continue hearing it…but from Laker fans.

59.1 - Kobe gets second foul on an acting job by Pierce, who can’t reach Rondo’s off-the-mark pass.

19.1 – Farmar steals the ball from a sleeping Rondo. Celts not looking sharp at either end, and worse, look disinterested. I think back to Rondo grabbing the ball from between Jason Williams’ legs in that “just-wanted-it-more” moment. Farmar just made Rondo look like Jason Williams.

2nd quarter:
10:34 - Pierce draws 3rd on Odom – offensive foul. Reasonable call.

10:12 – Rasheed hits a 3 on a dish from Pierce. If Rasheed gets going, maybe there’s a chance.

9:11 - Gasol tries a here’s-the-ball-over-here-and-now-I’m-going-to-spin-around-and-shoot-over-here move that he probably saw Rajon Rondo do against Cleveland. Good News: Shot is blocked handily by Rasheed. Bad News: The Lakers are comfortable enough right now to practice unusual new shots in game 1 of the Finals.

8:20 – Shannon Brown walks in for lay up, has six points. Made it look easy. Celtics D continues to blow.

7:35 – Vujacic weak grab of perkins jersey. Perkins scores and one.

7:31 – Nate Robinson gets his first foul. Legit.

7:11 – Nate fights for ball after knocking it out of Gasol’s hands. Jump ball. Nate loses the jump ball, but not by much. Go figure that Nate would look like the only Celtic out there who wants it.

6:22 – Tony Allen pass knocked out of bounds. He has the lack-of-swagger of a man for whom the moment looks too big.

4:51 – Garnett hits a turnaround against Gasol. Celts have been yawn and so-so, and only down 2. 37-35.

Commercial Alert:
A-Team advertisement…I can understand why they couldn’t use a dead George Pappard, but why not Mr. T? And if the original mohawked one doesn’t make a cameo, I’ll be ticked. The Ultimate Fighting dude who took over Mr. T’s role has bitched about acting distracting him from his UFC fights, and then said “acting is kind of gay.” What is gayer than acting? Thinking acting is gay and doing it anyway. Guess what? You’re not welcome back for the sequel, you homophobic dickface. Yeah, I said dickface, which would imply a dick being somewhere around your face. Suck on that.

Celebrity montage:
Chris Rock, David Spade, Speilberg, Jack Nicholson, who is now referred to only as “Jack.” The close up reveals Jack now looks like a chipmunk, and causes me to briefly consider adding him to my Dead Pool when a spot opens up on my bench.

2:54 – Second foul on Pierce against Kobe. Lame call.

Two bang-bang Artest plays get Lakers up 9. This score seems more a reflection of the way the game has “felt.” Also, Artest really making a difference with his hard-nosed play.

1:36 – Classic Rondo to Garnett alley oop.

:56 – Fisher tear drop over Garnett’s out-stretched hand. Pretty.

Before buzzer, rondo hits dramatic fall away long jumper to get Celts to within….uhm…9. This could get out of hand quickly.

Half: 41-50

3rd Quarter.

11:47 - Perkins called for letting Bynum elbow him in the ribs.

11:36 – Artest sticks out his butt and fouls Allen. Dumb foul.

11:29 – Fisher “fouls” Ray Allen. Terrible call. Fisher’s third.

10:15 – Rondo misses lay up.

7:50 – Gasol screams himself into another foul.

6:10 – Steal and Bryant dunk puts Lakers up 13, biggest lead of the game – signature play of game one if the Lakers win, which it looks like they will.

4:48 – Egregious Gasol flop earns a foul call. Commentators discuss calling fouls for flopping. I am completely in favor of this.

4:28 – Gasol hits a put back. He has been huge, and not remotely marshmellowish or soft.

3:!3 – Rondo dish to Tony Allen, who dunks and hangs on the rim. He appears to spin 720 degrees, causing me to wonder if he is equipped with the wrists of a toy Transformer. The rest of his play during this game would indicate that, in fact, he possesses no particular special powers or gadgets.

2:37 – Bryant block of Tony Allen dunk. Huge. Replay shows the ball fell out of Allen’s hand before the block (because of his faulty Transformer wrists?), so the block is not quite as impressive as it first seemed.

2:10 – Fisher alley oop to Bryant. Lakers are simply playing harder. Inexcusable.

Commercial Alert:
The Dwight Howard, Lebron James dunk contest for McD’s, ending with Larry “I-have-no-idea-who-that-guy-is” Bird stealing their meal. Awesomest, most underappreciated commercial ever.

Point comparison at this point in the game, offering the answer to the question: “Who plays better defense? Artest or Allen?”

Pierce 11 points - 3 for 6
Kobe 24 points - 9 for 16

1:39 – Ray Allen called for foul number 5. Horrible call. Allen has been called for ticky-tack junk all game. At least it’s been consistent.

1:19 – Rasheed with stupid moving pick foul on Fisher. Rasheed can be seen on bench later, checking “Requisite one-stupid-foul” off a list.

:55 - Laker defense looks superior, forcing an off-balance Pierce 3.

:46 – The requisite “We-give-up-here’s-your-victory-cigar” Rasheed Wallace Technical Foul. A couple more and he gets a one-game suspension. Maybe he and Perkins can sit out the same game so we can just get that loss out of the way.

Lakers - 84-64

4th quarter:
11:19 – Wallace can’t even properly outlet the ball to Nate Robinson. Ends up chasing the ball into the stands in a too-little-too-late attempt to redeem himself.

10:18 – Pierce called for a carry. A CARRY! JVG points out that every player, especially Kobe Bryant, carries on nearly every dribble of every play…somewhere off camera, Joey Crawford is grinning and awaiting his moment in the sun.

8:56 – Garnett jumper – Celts back to within 13.

Lakers up: 85-72

Best I’m-a-Celtics-fan-but-I-love-this-Laker-move Moment #1:
8:28 – Phil Jackson yells at ABC interviewer Doris Burke and Chris Rock to cut the crap and get their cameraman off the court. Also love David Spade trying to squeeze his B-movie mug into the shot, giving the Why-don’t-you-want-to-talk-to-me? look to Doris. Because the top of your resume reads Currently in Unfunny Ensemble Sitcom, David. That’s why.

7:48 – Robinson misses a 3, and Garnett can’t handle put back. Doesn’t have the same ups as in ‘08. Huge.

7:34 - Gasol baby hook. Laker lead back to 15.

7:17 – Odom called for a block on Pierce. Cheesy call. Jack agrees.

6:20 – Artest strips the ball from big baby, long pass to Gasol for a dunk. Fat lady sings.

Commercial Alert and Best I’m-a-Celtics-fan-but-I-love-this-Laker-move Moment #2:

Nike’s Kobe “All together now” commercial. Actually made it seem like cheering for Kobe is fun, even though we all know this is not the case.

Best I’m-a-Celtics-fan-but-I-love-this-Laker-move Moment #3:

6:12 – Chris rock is blabbering from his $10,000 seat next to the Laker bench, trying to jock sniff Kobe with stupid small talk. Kobe sits stone-faced, completely ignoring him. Only people more awful than Lakers? Celebrities. Way to go, Kobe. I almost love you right now. But only right now. At this moment. Hating shall resume promptly.

5:47 – C’s still diving for loose balls. Good.

5:29 – Rondo feeds Garnett for an open dunk, but Garnett can’t finish. Twice. Disastrous. Could the Celtics play worse? Could Garnett look any more anemic?

I kinda stopped paying attention at this point, except for noticing what sounded like “Boston Sucks” chant going on while Pierce was shooting free throws, to which Mike Breen called the Laker-Celtic rivalry something like “fun” and “healthy”…

…No more ignorant-of-what-it’s-like-to-actually-give-a-huge-shit-about-an-athletic-contest comment has ever been made.

There’s nothing healthy about what I’m feeling right now, Mike. Nothing.

Labels: 2010 Finals, Celtics, Game 1, Lakers

Labels: 2009 NBA Finals, Game 1, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, Thanks for the inspiration Cortez

Labels: 2009 NBA Finals, Game 1, Orlando Magic, press conferences, Stan Van Gundy

The Orlando Magic: Well...that blew big, steaming chunks. I felt like I was visited by the ghost of the 1994-95 Orlando Magic last night. Faceplanting this hard in Game 1 of the NBA Finals is...is...well, it's like designing a talking Elmo doll with over 20 minutes of testicles-related dialogue (such as "Do balls go on your head?", "Do balls have frosting?" and "Elmo loves balls!").


The Magicians shot a shockingly horrific 29 percent (23-for-77) from the field. Okay, have you absorbed that little smidgen of bawfulness yet? Well, have fun trying to absorb this one: That stinky feat makes Orlando the first team to shoot less than 30 percent in Game 1 of the NBA Finals since the Knicks did it in 1951. That was pre-shot clock, by the way. Seriously. And you know what that means, don't you?


How bad was it? Well, let me put it this way: Orlando hit six more free throws and scored 15 more points off three-pointers...and still lost by 25. And while the Magic were getting outscored 60-34 during the second and third quarters, their entire team had fewer field goals (10) than Kobe Bryant did by himself (11). To be fair, it wasn't just terrible shooting that doomed Orlando. Rebounding killed 'em too. They got hammered on the boards 55-41. The Magic just...well, hell, looking at the box score is like peeping under the bloody sheet covering a body on an autopsy table right after the predictably creepy undertaker says, "You DO NOT want to look under there." So perhaps this stunning loss is best summed up by a little snippet from Ben Q. Rock of the Third Quarter Collapse:

"Individual matchups are also a concern -- what isn't a concern on defense for Orlando right now? -- as Lee could not stop Luke Walton from scoring inside. With Lee and Pietrus on the floor at the same time, at shooting guard and small forward, respectively, the Magic used Pietrus to defend Bryant and Lee to defend Walton. Perhaps on paper, this matchup skews heavily in Lee's favor. However, that paper may not account for Walton's 3-inch, 35-pound size advantage on Lee, which is how he simply muscled through him for 3 baskets during that span. Overall, Walton shot 4-of-5 for 9 points. Yes, Luke Walton hit four times as many field goals as Dwight Howard did. It's no wonder why Orlando lost by 25."

Ugh x 1,000,000. Oh, and hey, speaking of Dwight Howard...

Dwight Howard: I guess someone jammed a brick of Kryptonite up his ass before the game, because Dwight was decidedly un-super last night: 12 points (on 1-for-6 shooting), 15 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 blocks. It's a pretty bad sign when a franchise player has more turnovers (2), fouls (3) and missed free throws (6) than field goals (1) in his NBA Finals debut, right? And even those "meh" numbers don't really tell you how ineffective Dwight was. He was totally neutralized.


Another game or two like this, and I might have to suggest a new theme song for Howard. However, there's plenty of evidence to prove the old adage "sh*t rolls downhill"...

Orlando's starting backcourt: Rafer Alston and Courtney Lee combined to shoot 5-for-19 (including 1-for-8 from downtown) and finished with more blocks against (2) and fouls (4) than assists (1). That's right: The Magic's starting guards out-assisted me by one. Then, too, as noted above, Lee got the handiwipe treatment from the Son of Walton. Of course, there were also problems with...

Orlando's backcourt reserves: Mickael Pietrus was his team's leading scorer (14 points on 5-for-13 shooting), but Kobe Bryant made him look silly. I'm talking "dressing me and my cat up in aluminum foil hats" silly. And Jameer Nelson -- who started off pretty strong in his return -- eventually looked just as rusty and fatigued as you'd expect from a guy who hasn't played professional basketball in months and was suddenly thrust onto the biggest stage in professional basketball. These two men finished the game with a plus-minus score of -42. Which sounds pretty bad until you take a look at these guys...

Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis: They produced 21 combined points on 5-for-21 shooting and had a joint plus-minus score of -46. To add a splash of vomit to that poop sundae, they barely had more rebounds and assists (11) than fouls and turnovers (10). Add this mess to Howard's slop, and that's a pretty ginormous no-show from your big guns.

Stan Van Gundy: Before the game, somebody asked Van Gundy if he was intimidated by Phil Jackson. Stan's reply was to laugh and say: "I guess if one of the NBA players threatened to kick my butt, I'd be intimidated. Phil sitting down there on his chair doesn't intimidate me." I wonder if he'd like to reassess that answer now? And I bet his brother Jeff hasn't been this disappointed since Miley Cyrus canceled that show in Arkansas.

Update! Kobe Bryant: Mamba had his best-ever scoring game in the NBA Finals with 40 points. But Wild Yams has an observation regarding that final tally: "Kobe Bryant should probably get a mention for going back in there in the 4th quarter with the Lakers already up 25 or so and just firing away in an attempt to get those last 4 points to get him to 40 for the game." The great and powerful Cortez added: "Included in that mention should be the fact that his 4th quarter nonsense/misses came while being guarded by J.J. Reddick(!!!) and he looked the trailer(s) off, at least twice, in that stretch by forcing up some highly contested shots." As always, we aren't hatin', we're just sayin'.

Update! Kobe and LeBron babysittin': Basketbawful reader QUIKJO sent a link to this puppetastic parody:

Labels: 2009 NBA Finals, Game 1, Los Angeles Lakers, Orlando Magic