Golden State is just full of morale
Have you ever wondered what Stan Van Gundy would look like without a mustache? Or with mutton chops? Here's your opportunity: The Interactive Stan Van Gundy Makeover. (Thanks Basketbawful reader Big Aaron)

Seriously, that link is a must-click. Go check it out. It's bound to be more fun than 99% of tonight's games.

In news that should be shocking to absolutely nobody that reads this blog, Isaiah Rider is a damn trainwreck and has been arrested again. For some reason, he thought it would be a good idea to kidnap his one-month-old son Isaiah Rider IV. For those keeping score at home, this is the fourth time this month that Rider has been in trouble with the law. I would detail his other run-ins with Johnny Law, but I don't feel like wearing out my keyboard.

Also, some tidbits from this story:
1) The Lakers are so bored that DJ Mbenga convinced Ron Artest he wasn't crazy enough and needed to dye his hair blond.
2) Lamar Odom wants to grow a playoff beard and also dye it blond.
3) Phil Jackson is already working the refs and trying to play mind games with Kevin Durant.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:
Apparently Mbenga decided Artest wasn't crazy enough. Never thought I'd type those words...

Alright, that's it. I'm going shopping for a bright purple suit.

With all that's going on with the Bulls and VDN right now, do I really need to caption this?

Aren't you glad Nellie's going to be back next year?
Nationally Televised Games:
Grizzlies at Thunder: We have eleven games starting tonight at 8pm. And this is the one ESPN is airing? Could be worse, I suppose. At least it isn't a Pacers-Bullets game or something.

Suns at Jazz: So what's been the secret to the Suns' success this year? Take a look:


All The Other Games:
Crabs at Hawks: The Hawks know the Crabs won't give a crap about this game and LeBron will be resting again. Maybe the Hawks will repay the favor by showing some southern hospitality and take the Crabs to this place. Now that's my kind of restaurant.

Spurs at Mavericks: Ooh, a potential first round preview game. If the Mavs win, the Spurs will be dropped to the #7 seed.

Hornets at Rockets: The last time the Rockets played, we got to see a classic revenge game from Kevin Martin. In this game, however, we have absolutely nothing to look forward to.

Bucks at Celtics: The last game between these teams was intense like a playoff game. And it's possible that these teams will face each other in the first round if the Heat lose tonight to help the Bucks get the #5 seed...

Nyets at Heat: ...Yeah. So much for that #5 seed, Milwaukee. Have fun playing the Hawks in the first round!

Pistons at Timberwolves: Ugh.

76ers at Magic: A victory here and the Magic will lock up home court advantage if they have an NBA Finals rematch against the Lakers. Nice to know at least one team has some reason to show up for this game.

Pacers at Bullets: Oh, damn it all. What a horrible game. (For perspective, I believe it won't even be televised!) On behalf of another Washington team:

Bricks at Craptors: The Craptors can still get into the postseason with a win here and a Bulls loss tonight. Bosh is out, and Weems is a game-time decision. However, their opponent is STILL the Bricks, so hold your heads up guys! There's still a chance you'll get to lose another four games in a row before you get to call it a season.

Bulls at Bobcats: Well, the Bobcats may have nothing to play for, but coach Larry Brown isn't going to give the Bulls a free pass: "It will be a meaningful game for Chicago, so we're going to have to go out and try to win. It wouldn't be right just to go out and play." I have to admit, I kind of respect that.

Lakers at Clippers: Well, if there's ever been a chance for the Clippers to build some momentum, this has to be it. Then again, considering the Clippers and they are who we thought they were, they'll probably go and do something Clippery and lose this game by 30 points or something.

Warriors at Frail Blazers: If you're trying to lock up the #6 seed, the Warriors HAS to be on your short list of desired opponents, right?

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Don Nelson, Stan Van Gundy, Vinny Del Negro

Is Posey a zombie trying to poke Captain Jack's brain out for a nice snack?
(Via Basketbawful reader StottsEra)
Good news/bad news time. The good news? The '92 Dream Team is being inducted into the Hall of Fame! The bad news? That means Christian Laettner is going to be forever enshrined in the Hall of Fame as a member of that team.

Christian. Laettner.

Sonofabitch.

This is a sad day for basketball. (And for anyone else who was a University of Kentucky fan back in March of 1992, join with me in saying "Fuck Christian Laettner!" Ah, that feels better)

In other news, Basketbawful reader Joseph Radzevick was kind enough to apparently read my mind. I had planned on writing today about the Pacers, but last night he submitted something in the same vein of what I had planned to do, except he actually bothered to do research so he definately one-upped me. Here's what he had to say:

Hopefully the good citizens of Indiana were too swept up in Butler fever to notice the Pacers trying to play their way out of a Top 10 draft pick. Check out this list of the records of the lottery teams over their last ten games and notice the staggering difference between Indiana and the other dregs of the league.

Team ... W L
Chicago: 6-4
Detroit: 2-8
Golden State: 5-5
Houston: 4-6
Indiana: 8-2
LA Clippers: 2-8
Memphis: 3-7
Minnesota: 1-9
New Jersey: 4-6
New Orleans: 2-8
New York: 4-6
Philadelphia: 2-8
Sacramento: 1-9
Washington: 3-7

The only teams with .500 or better records in their last ten are Chicago (playing for the last playoff spot, a.k.a. the right to get swept by Cleveland in Round 1), Golden State (playing to get Don Nelson the all-time wins record so he will go back to Maui and leave them the hell alone), and Indiana (playing for...what exactly?). Meanwhile the rest of the list features a host of 2-8 and even 1-9 teams that will beat the Pacers to the bottom.

In theory, I guess we should commend the Pacers for playing out every game and maintaining their competitive integrity. Of course we all know that in theory, communism works. In theory.

Excellent point. There's something to be said for morale and trying to end the season on a good note. However, there's also something to be said for landing Evan Turner, John Wall, DeMarcus Cousins, or somebody like that in the draft lottery. Which is going to do more for the long-term future of the team: some garbage victories, or a blue chip player? (Well, any legitimately good player is going to bolt for a better team and market as soon as they can get the hell out of Indiana, so that may invalidate my point...)

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

CAPTION THIS!
What the hell is going on with Jamal Crawford?


Houston's "Dress like an Empty Seat" promotion was obviously successful

"Man, my shirt stinks as bad as our game!"

Why are you trying so damn hard, Troy Murphy? Do you not like draft picks?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the winningest coach in the NBA. I feel as if we have failed as a society.
Nationally Televised Games:
Crabs at Bulls: The Bulls really need to win this game to help their chances of losing to the Crabs in the first round of the playoffs.

Lakers at Nuggets: Andrew Bynum is still out and the Lakers still don't give a shit. Meanwhile, the Nuggets are on the second night of a back to back and Carmelo may have slightly scrambled his brains last night. Does all of this just cancel out and we have a good, close game?

All The Other Games:
Clippers at Kings: If this game had somehow ended up on national television tonight instead of the Lakers' game, DirecTV, DISH, Comcast, etc. customer service phones would be ringing off the hook with demands from angry customers to take TNT off their channel lineup. This is going to be ugly, folks. Ugly.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Don Nelson, Indiana Pacers

"Thanks, guys! I couldn't have done it without the 24 games we've won this season!"
The Minnesota Timberwolves: Even though the Warriors were without Monta "Moped" Ellis (flu), Anthony Randolph (ankle), Kelenna Azubuike, Andris Biedrins (sports hernia) and Brandan Wright, they still managed to beat the Timberpoops 116-107 in Minnesota to make Don Nelson the winningest coach in NBA history. Of course, if David Stern adopted any of my suggestions, a victory over Minny would only count for, like, 0.4 of an actual win. Although that would have still put Nelson at 1,332.4 coaching victories, which would still be the most ever.

Said Stephon Curry: "For us to get the record is a big accomplishment for us. We call it our championship game." In related news, the Warriors are 24-54 this season.

Don Nelson, quote machine: After setting the all-time NBA coaching wins record, Nelson -- who also has 1,061 career coaching losses -- said: "There's plenty of guys close to that if they want to coach a couple of years. There's coaches out there that win 50 at a time, 60 at a time. Not like me, winning 20 at a time, it's a little harder."

The New York Knicks: News flash: As of last night's 113-105 victory over the Bricks -- now the proud losers of 50 games in four of their past five seasons! -- the Pacers won for the 10th time in their last 11 home games and have won eight of 10 overall. Another news flash: Two women tried to sneak a dead man onto an airplane, Weekend At Bernies-style. Which of these facts is stranger? I'm going with the Pacers suddenly looking like postseason contenders. I'm baffled. Of course, Larry Bird is probably furiously dry-humping his desk in Conseco Field House and screaming, "Suck it, bitches!" At least, I'd like to think so.

Said Indy's Danny Granger: "We're clicking well on the offensive end. We're making shots, we're moving, we're getting layups, we're cutting. We really have everything going."

Not surprisingly, Bricks coach Mike 'Antoni remembers things a little differently: "I thought we were dead from the start with the game last night. We didn't have the necessary energy to start the game off. ... "I thought we played pretty well, except for the start."

Much as I hate to admit it, Mikey has a point. The Bricks fell behind 38-25 after the first period and were down by as many as 20 in the first half before rallying for the close loss instead of the blowout loss. Yay team?

Tracy McGrady, quote machine: Regarding Indy's offense: "They get up and down, high volume of shots." Guess who's agent is probably already on the phone with Larry Bird...

The Washington Wizards Generals Bullets: Thanks to a 121-94 road thrashing by the Orlando Magic -- who have moved to within a half-game of the Los Angeles Lakers We Don't Give A Shit Until The Playoffs for the second-best record in the league -- the Bullets missed out on their first three-game winning streak in two years. Yep. It's been years between stringing together more than two wins in a row.

This beating, and maybe Washington's entire season, was epitomized by the crazy sequence that ended the third quarter. Jason Williams -- that's right, White Chocolate, baby! -- drilled a trey with two seconds left. Then Matt Barnes swatted a sloppy pass from The Fabulous Oberto back to Williams, who swished another three at the buzzer. Those few seconds bumped Orlando's lead from 13 to 19 and basically ended the game.

Said Williams: "I just got lucky."

There's no such thing as luck when you're playing the Bullets. I mean, the Magic shot almot 60 percent for the game. You don't knock down 44 out of 76 field goals by being lucky.

The Toronto Raptors: Can you say snakebitten? Oh, I guess that's pretty easy. Can you say hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Anyway, one night after losing Chris Bosh "for weeks" after Antawn Jamison broke his face with an atomic elbow, Hedo Turkododo left the game during the first quarter after an unintentional headbutt from Boston's Tony Allen. Turkoglu sustained a bruised vagina nasal contusion and was taken to a local dance club for beers the hospital for a CT scan.

"Quick! Get me some gauze, an ice pack, a shot ofMaker's Mark and $20 for cover at Republik!"
Said Antoine Wright: "When it rains it pours, I guess. We're dropping like flies right now."

Buzz buzz buzz!! In related news, last night's 115-104 home loss to the slumping Celtics was Toronto's third not-win in a row and the 12th in their last 18 games. And remember, folks, the Craptors are actually fighting for a playoff spot. I'd hate to see what they'd be doing if they didn't have anything to play for.

Michael Finley: Boston's resident mummy almost missed last night's game against the Craptors after -- and I'm being totally serious here -- he strained his back picking up his luggage at the team hotel. At least he didn't trip over his walker, too.

Said Doc River: "That's when you know you're old."

Added Zombie Finley: "If the game had started at 3 o'clock I probably wouldn't have played. [Celtics trainer Ed Lacerte] worked on me before the game, I went and shot around and it was better so I was able to play." And eat brains...delicious brains...

The Atlanta Hawks: Let me set the stage for you. The Pistons were missing Tayshaun Prince (personal reasons), Richard Hamilton (ankle), Jason Maxiell (back) and Chris Wilcox (hamstring), then lost Rodney Stuckey to a first-half rib injury. Oh, yeah, and Detroit sucks. Conversely, the Hawks fancy themselves contenders, so naturally the Pistons beat them 90-88. It was Detroit's 25th win of the season.

After watching his team get outscored 25-16 in the fourth quarter of a two-point loss to one of the league's worst teams, Atlanta coach Mike Woodson said: "We just self-destructed again down the stretch. That's something we've got to figure out before we start playing playoff basketball."

Yeah. Good luck with that, Mike.

Did I mention the Hawks missed nine free throws? Because that seems worth mentioning.

The Philadelphia 76ers: Philly shot almost 51 percent compared to 41 percent for the Heat, but still lost 99-95 after two dunks by Samuel Dalembert were waived off in the final 34 seconds, including one that would have tied the game with 5.6 seconds left.

Said Sammy: "At first it seemed as if it was inside, but when you look at the replay, it was outside. The referees are not perfect. I think in a crucial point like that they should have gone and watched the replay."

Sorry, Sam. I watched the replay. It was goaltending.

Anyway, the Heat have officially been described as "surging" now. You know what that means...

The Utah Jazz: Hmm. You think the Jazz were worn out from their overtime thriller against the Thunder on Tuesday night? According to the AP recap, the Mormon Musicians didn't arrive in Houston until about 4 a.m. Of course, based on the way they played, it was more like they hadn't shown up at all. Utah went 3-for-15 from downtown (no legs) and committed 26 turnovers, including 14 in the first half (no hands either, I guess).

Deron Williams -- who followed up his career-high 42-point effort against Oklahoma City by starting out 1-for-5 and committing 6 TOs in the first half -- said: "Coach [Jerry Sloan] told us to leave it all on the floor [against the Thunder]. I don't like to make excuses, but it was a tough game for us, a tough turnaround. I tried to get it going. I just never really had that energy."

Chuck Hayes, who not-so-coincidentally grabbed a career-high 18 rebounds, responded: "They probably had tired legs, they had a tough, hard-fought game. But that's the NBA. You're going to have back-to-backs like that."

That's the NBA alright. The Jazz fell behind by as many as 26 in the second half before losing 113-96. And just like that, they go from number two in the West to just number two.

Luis Scola, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "We were touching a lot of balls."

The New Jersey Nyets: It didn't really matter the Bucks were without Andrew Bogut or that they were playing the second of back-to-backs after surviving a scrappy game in Chicago the night before. The Nyets just have a way of bringing out the best in their opponents. Milwaukee got a double-double out of the ancient Kurt Thomas (12 points, 10 boards), shot 52 percent as a team and outrebounded New Jersey 45-34. The result: A 108-89 win that was about as easy as the final score makes it look.

The Nyets scored 31 points after halftime on 27 percent shooting. Meanwhile the Bucks have gone 20-6 since trading for John Salmons.

Speaking of Salmons, he earned a tech for yelling at Brook Lopez after Lopez was jawing at Bucks coach Scott Skiles. Said Brook: "I told [Coach Skiles] 'I wasn't talking to you.' Then Salmons told me to shut up and stop talking and I was confused."

I'm confused too, John. Is it really necessary to bully an 11-win team? I mean, really?

Being a member of the Nyets hurts bad enoughwithout the tough talk from John Salmons.
The Oklahoma City Thunder: Even though Carmelo Anthony got "knocked out" near the end of the third quarter (see below) and Denver went more than 11 minutes without hitting a shot at one point, the Thunder couldn't hold off the Nuggets, who outscored Oklahoma City 25-14 in the fourth quarter to overcome a 13-point deficit and win 98-94. Think the Thunder, like the Jazz, were tuckered out from the night before? I mean, they were outrebounded 50-41 (including 15-10 on the offensive glass) and went 1-for-14 from beyond the arc. Oh, and they didn't connect on a field goal over the final nine minutes of the game.

"No excuses, no excuses," said a flat-footed Kevin Durant, who scored 33 but missed his last six shots.

Officiating: Well, at least they admitted getting the Durant call wrong.

Carmelo Anthony, quote machine: Regarding getting knocked the hell out: "One of the doctors asked me to say the months backwards. I can't do that on a regular day." The same goes for tying his shoes, folding toilet paper into equal squares, and changing the channel on his TV without a remote control.

By the way, how weird was 'Melo's knockout? In case you haven't watched it, do so now:


Basketbawful reader LotharBot said: "I also recommend watching the video of Carmelo lying on the court motionless while play went on around him. He contends he lost consciousness after colliding with Durant, but apparently everyone in the building thought he was throwing a temper tantrum, so the refs allowed the Thunder to inbound the ball, Denver didn't elect to call a timeout to stop them, and even when the Nugs got the ball back they dribbled into the frontcourt and tried to play around him. It wasn't until the next whistle that anybody thought 'huh... he didn't get up to cherry-pick after the steal. Maybe he's actually hurt.' It was a very, very strange sequence."

The Memphis Grizzlies: After losing at home 113-103 to the Rockets on Tuesday, the Griz traveled to Dallas for a 110-84 bitch slapping. Sometimes it doesn't pay to leave the house in the morning. The Grizzlies -- who were seriously thinking playoffs a few weeks ago -- have dropped six of seven and look like they're ready to go fishin'.

Said Mike Conley: "You can't quit. We have goals like making the playoffs, and we understand that we aren't in it, but we still have to be able to play no matter who we are playing or no matter who is out on the court. We have to play at 100 percent effort and we didn't bring that tonight."

They also didn't bring their hands. Based on the 20 turnovers -- including 12 in the first half that turned into 18 points going the other way -- the Grizzlies were trying to handle the ball with wet pasta noodles dipped in bacon grease. That shouldn't have made me hungry, but it did.

Said Memphis coach Lionel Hollins: "It was unbelievable, the turnovers. We just kept giving them the ball, giving them the ball, and they'd run it down our throat or shoot 3s. Then they were moving the ball really well one stretch, and every time they moved it to an open guy he made a shot. That just broke our will."

The Los Angeles Clippers: Their loss -- a 93-85 home defeat -- was Portland's gain, as the Frail Blazers leap-frogged into the sixth spot in the Western Conference playoff race. Meanwhile, at the other end of the spectrum, the Clips reached loss number 51 of the season. That makes three straight 50-loss seasons...and 11 in the last 17 years. It would have been twelve, but they were only able to lose 41 games in the lockout-shortened 50-game season of 1998-99.

Said The Other L.A. Team's interim head coach / excuse maker Kim Hughes: "We missed a myriad of open shots and layups in the fourth quarter that really hurt us." You can't miss a myriad of open shots and layups in the fourth quarter and win. You just can't.

Anyway, the Clippers are who we thought they were. Movin' on...

The San Antonio Spurs: The "Surging" Curse continued last night, as the previously surging Spurs ran into a buzz saw called the Phoenix Suns. And it was a game of role reversal, with the Suns playing aggressive, physical defense and the Spurs either backing down or crying to the officials for a call. It was Bizarro Night in Phoenix.

Speaking of which, the Suns went up by as many as 17 in the fourth quarter before the Spurs rallied to get to within five points. Mysteriously, Phoenix coach Alvin Gentry left Steve Nash -- who had 18 points, 12 assists and a steal -- on the bench for the entire fourth quarter...even though San Antonio was making a comeback. I guess Alvin just really hearts Goran Dragic.

Said Gentry: "If we lose I probably would have gotten fired on the spot. I've got a two-time MVP sitting over there that had a great game. ... I don't think anybody was more happy than Steve the way Goran played. I just think that's what makes us a really good team, just the chemistry and the way everyone pulls for each other."

Nash, for his part, seemed pretty happy with it. Although you have to figure he might have felt otherwise if the Suns had lost. Anyway, Nash said: "Alvin's been ballsy that way lately and it's been great. One, it's important to give those guys confidence and, two, it gives us some rest."

The Spurs -- who fell to 7-9 in the second game of back-to-backs -- were left to rue their lousy first-half foul shooting. At one point in the first half, the Spurs were 4-for-13 from the foul line. They were 7-for-18 by halftime.

Said San Antonio coach Gregg Popovich: "In the first half, we really missed a great opportunity by missing our free throws."

Of course, fatigue might have played a part in the loss. Hence the 19 turnovers and 6-for-25 long-range shooting.

Said Tim Duncan: "There were too many things that we could have taken care of that were simple. Just turning the ball over, missed free throws. We had a bunch of missed assignments defensively. That's a lot of things that we can clean up. It's a disappointing game for us, but such is life. We've got another one in two days."

Manu Ginobili: It was reported yesterday that the Spurs and Manu -- who has really been kicking ass and taking names lately -- have agreed to a three-year extension worth $38.9 million. The he goes out and scores only 10 points on 5-for-14 shooting, including 0-for-5 from three-point range. But I'm sure it's only coincidence.

Amar''''''e Stoudemire's green arm sleeve: I know it's NBA Green Week and all that, but STAT really should have left it at green socks only. My eyes couldn't focus on that arm sleeve for some reason. Was it just me?

Also, John Hollinger says the 2009-10 Phoenix Suns have one of the best offenses in NBA history. Hollinger also notes that Amar''''''e has really been picking it up lately. He notes Nash's achy back and Stoudemire's increased comfort. Why can't John start tracking Contract Year Phenomenon-related stats?

WNBA Draft: Damn it all!!! The WNBA Draft is going to be broadcast live on ESPN2 at 2 p.m. CST...but I'll still be at work. I wonder if I can get streaming video? Because the Washington Mystics are seeking a post player and I won't want to wait to find out if they get one! Of course, Mechelle Voepel says this year's draft class is lacking in star power, so maybe it won't matter if I can't watch it live. In case this is your first day on the Internet, welcome to the Internet! And I was being sarcastic.

Rasheed Wallace: Wow. Bill Simmons dismantled 'Sheed so thoroughly in this article that the FBI has already issued a warrant to search Bill's crawl space in case Wallace ever disappears. Simmons is 100 percent on the money, though.

Lacktion report: Last night's extensive run of lacktion kept chris even busier than usual...

Celtics-Raptors: It's amazing how rarely "celebratory" has applied to any of the C's exploits of late, but tonight was a chance for a brotherhood of water-system experts to emerge yet again, with Marquis Daniels (26 seconds) and Shelden Williams (42 seconds) each earning themselves Marios! For Toronto, Marco Belinelli built up a bank account worth 3.6 trillion (3:36) - the Association's 100th wealthy man this year!

Bullets-Magic: Fabricio Oberto - the Bullets' starting big man!!! - actually helped out thricely from the range in 19:41 (and blasted three boards to boot) but gave up his arsenal three times as well, along with a trio of fouls, to earn himself a 6:4 Voskuhl.

Nyets-Bucks: Chris Quinn had a mighty melee of more than millions come his way tonight: 3.5 trillion (3:31) to be exact.

Warriors-Wolves: Starting center Ronnie Turiaf turned a five-assist night into a Voskuhl in 22:12 by negating a field goal with four giveaways and a foul for a 5:2 ratio. (Losing the rock that much really seems to be appropriate for the night of the Nellieball Record-Breaking Win.)

Nuggets-Thunder: Ty Lawson received a cash settlement of 4.2 trillion (4:13) for Denver.

Jazz-Rockets: Jordan Hill climbed into the ledger for Houston tonight by countering three boards in 10:31 with four bricks, two fouls, and two turnovers for a 4:3 Voskuhl. Hilton Armstrong also checked in by putting down a deposit for an overnight stay worth 2.2 trillion (2:11).

Grizzlies-Mavs: Hamed Haddadi had himself a foul in 3:21 for a +1 suck differential that also earned a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl!

Frail Blazers-Clippers: Jeff Pendergraph wired himself another wave of cash, in this case 3.2 trillion (3:11) - the fifth successful entrepreneur of a rather currency-flush evening in the Association. Meanwhile, THE Steve Novak is clearly trying to be this season's least productive player overall, spending 13 seconds assembling a Robotic Operating Buddy for a Mario!

Spurs-Suns: Jarron Collins negated a trio of boards in 12:09 as starting center with four fouls and two turnovers for a 6:3 Voskuhl. Meanwhile, Earl Clark crunched out a sweet box of Nintendo cereal in just 3 seconds for a SUPER MARIO!

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Don Nelson, Minnesota Timberwolves, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Philadelphia 76ers, Toronto Raptors, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

Word.
Ah, Wednesday. Or, as somebody actually said to me earlier today, "Hump Day." Who honestly refers to Wednesday as Hump Day? (And what if you're single? What day is it then? Jackoff Day?) But in any event, there is, as always, bad basketball to cover. Case in point: Dan Gadzuric needs velcro sneakers.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Forgive the Bricks for being awkward at celebrations. They aren't used to it.

"I wonder what the record for most NBA coaching losses is..."

Damn LeBron, you don't have to sell it that much. They're going to give you the superstar call, don't worry!

Attempting to walk on the ball like you're log rolling isn't very smart

Hey benchwarmers! How are you supposed to keep the bench warm if you won't sit your asses down?
Nationally Televised Games:
Jazz at Rockets: Playing one of the highest scoring games in ages in an overtime game last night, and now playing a road game the next day? The Rockets are fairly mediocre to not good, but still... Could be a long night for the Jazz.

Spurs at Suns: I am giddy about this game. I like both teams, I have a man crush on Steve Nash that is only slightly smaller than Basketbawful's, and I'm interested in seeing if the "surging" curse continues to strike such-annointed teams. Awesome game.

All The Other Games:
Bricks at Pacers: The Pacers are trying to win for the 10th time in 11 games. And yet their season record is 29-48 to this point. It's amazing how weird the end of the regular season can be when some teams care and other teams don't, eh?

Wizards Generals Bullets at Magic: The Magic are the only team so far this season to get a victory against every team in the league. However, they lost their first two games against the Bullets, and rallied back from a 15 point deficit to win in March. What the hell? The team is called the Magic. Can't they use magic to stop bullets, or at least slow time down so they can do kickass Matrix-style moves to avoid them? Or am I overthinking this?

Celtics at Craptors: Think the Craptors commentators are still rolling those dice? In the meantime, please make sure you read Bill Simmons' beautiful takedown of Rasheed Wallace.

Hawks at Pistons: The Hawks struggled to a close win against Detroit last weekend. Now they have to play without Joe Johnson and Mike Bibby's poor itty bitty wittle injured toe? Oh no! (Seriously though, ingrown toenails suck a lot)

76ers at Heat: Remember what I said the other day about the normally bipolar Miami Heat having a favorable end-of-season schedule? Their eight consecutive wins are doing a lot to validate that statement.

Bobcats at Hornets: Charlotte has never won a game in New Orleans. Ever. They lose by an average of 15 points every time they play the Hornets in New Orleans. Damn. Just... damn.

Nyets at Bucks: Look out, Milwaukee! The Nyets are surging!! They're ONLY on a one-game losing streak!

Warriors at Timberwolves: Okay, seriously, if Nellie doesn't get his record victory here, can we take one of his other wins away as punishment?

Nuggets at Thunder: Denver's well rested and OKC just played a high scoring overtime game last night. Do I need to say it?

Grizzlies at Mavericks: Will the Mavericks make up their mind if they're good or just kinda sucky? I'm getting tired of them being all wishy-washy about it.

Frail Blazers at Clippers: I so hope we see an epic Marcus Camby revenge game.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Don Nelson

Doesn't this picture make you sad we didn't have any NBA games yesterday?
I hate Duke. Sigh. Let's move on.

Golden State Warriors head coach Don Nelson is just one victory away from becoming the NBA's all-time leader in wins as a coach. Of course this record says nothing of his actual success since it ignores his multitude of losses, but it's still a relatively impressive accomplishment I suppose. But is it that big of a deal? As noted by Marc Stein:

One win away from becoming the NBA's all-time winningest coach, with a game forthcoming Tuesday night against the eminently beatable Washington Wizards, Nelson has canceled the Golden State Warriors' morning shootaround.

Reason being: Nelson has managed, through some of wife Joy's connections, to arrange a pregame private tour of the White House for the 23-win Warriors.

Nellie, I salute you for giving us all years and years of entertainment, and for giving Basketbawful one more reason to exist. Sadly Don Nelson also says in the interview for that article that he plans to retire after one more season. At least we still have another full year to enjoy his bawfulness.

In other news, holy freaking crap:


I knew that pro-level athletes were obviously able to run faster than the average person, but holy crap. I had no idea just how stupidly fast the human body can go. I think I ran out of breath and got cramps just from watching that video.

One last aside before we delve into the pictures from the weekend. This is completely and totally not basketball related, but is definately worth passing along. I found an article that claims there is a Sandra Bullock/Jesse James sex tape. The best quote from the article:

The alleged tape reportedly includes James smearing feces on Bullock’s upper lip during various types of anal sex, lots of profanity hurled from both parties, and a leather clad James, sporting a Hitler mustache with brown hat with a swastika, ramming a handcuffed Bullock’s bottom with a shotgun in his left hand.

...wow. That sounds even more intense than the virtual mind sex Sandra Bullock's character had with Sly Stallone in Demolition Man.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

Is there anything more awkward looking than Stan Van Gundy holding a basketball?

..yes, there is.

Thank you, Rockets assistant coach John Sigma, for giving us one of the saddest facepalms in a while

Elton Brand, Defensive Master

John Kuester attempts to will the ball into the hoop with his mind powers

LeBron and Delonte West attempt to... yeah, I have no idea what they're doing

Geordi La Forge is Captain Jack's favorite Star Trek character

Shh... it's naptime

Who wants to break it to Carlos Boozer that he isn't Superman?
All The Games:
Craptors at Crabs: These last few games of the regular season are effectively meaningless for Cleveland, while Toronto needs some wins to lock up a chance to lose to the Crabs in the first round of the playoffs. However, the Craptors are still the Craptors, so they'll probably lose this one anyway.

Pistons at 76ers: Eleven consecutive losses. Damn. This is the second time this season Detroit's had double-digit losing streaks. It's almost just sad at this point.

Warriors at Wizards Generals Bullets: To be fair, this game really is a good opportunity for Nellie to get that milestone win...

Hawks at Bobcats: The Bobcats are trying to stay healthy, and failing. Lately Captain Jack has been hampered by injuries to his hamstring, ankle, elbow, and hand. In related news, team doctors confirmed his ligaments and muscles are actually made of Silly Putty and vaginal fluid.

Celtics at Knicks: Nate Robinson didn't play against the Crabs. Was Doc Rivers saving him for an epic revenge game against the Knicks?! (Nah.)

Bucks at Bulls: I just thought about seeing Andrew Bogut's elbow injury. I'm just gonna go over here and dry heave for a moment...

Rockets at Grizzlies: During the first three games of their current road trip, the Rockets have allowed 122 PPG. It's a shame they don't have a "D" in their name that I can remove.

Thunder at Jazz: The Thunder have won all three of their games against the Jazz this season, yet Accuscore gives the Jazz an 80% chance of victory. This is why I hate math.

Spurs at Kings: The Spurs will be without the services of Tony Parker and George Hill against the Purple Paupers. Meanwhile, Sacramento's on a seven-game losing streak, and as of the last time I checked, they are still the Purple Paupers. I'll allow you to draw your own conclusions.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Don Nelson, Stan Van Gundy

The return of the Sad Nyets bench photo. It just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy
The gorgeous weather I saw on Saturday gave me a good chance to go outside in the sun and take a few pictures for the first time in ages. It also made me get the itch to go to grab my golf clubs and head to the course. Since I still was zapped from being sick all that week, I didn't, but I did hit a few putts on the crappy little roll-out putting green in my basement. However, it also made me think about something that never fails to cheer me up. No matter what happens, I will always have a better golf swing than supposed professional athlete Charles Barkley. (And more than likely, I will also not get arrested while wearing a magic eye picture for a shirt. So, yes! Score another one for me!)

Also, heads up fellow NBA 2K10 PC ballers -- the patch is finally out! I haven't had a chance to test it yet, but reports are good. Better contact in the paint with more foul calls, it's now more difficult to drive to the hoop, better defense for both the AI and human players, more realistic play by the AI in general, etc. There is still, however, a decided lack of the ability for players to get suspensed for possessing firearms, DUIs, debilitating gambling addictions, etc. So, we still lack a true NBA simulator it appears.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:
This is the most defense Jose Calderon has played all season

Okay, there's nothing "Worst" about this. But whenever Giada De Laurentiis gets her picture taken courtside, I'm posting it, damnit.

"I can't read the scoreboard from here! Does it say we won???"

Olé!

"Seriously wee man, I could eat you in, like, four bites."

Fingernails -- A natural source of Vitamin D(isgusting)

Steve Novak riding the bench, Drew Gooden hiding his face, and Chris Kaman looking all caveman-y. It's the quintessential Clippers photo!
Nationally Televised Games:
Mavericks at Hornets: During the Spurs/Hawks game, I saw on the ESPN Bottom Line that Chris Paul is still sitting in 3rd in Hollinger's effeciency rankings. So the Hornets have that going for them, which is nice.

All The Other Games:
Magic at 76ers: After their last game, Stan Van Gundy told the Magic's official website "I thought our guys played extremely well." Wait a second. Stan Van Gundy? Offering praise? Impossible!! This only further gives credence to my theory that SVG and Ron Jeremy switch off every once in awhile when they get bored with their lives.

Heat at : The Heat are bipolar. The Nyets, however, are just chasing history!

Rockets at Bulls: The Bulls just snapped a ten-game losing streak. And they're still only 2 1/2 games back from the 8th seed. Eastern Conference, you disgust me. Get out of my sight.

Hawks at Bucks: Nasty. The second night of a back to back (after an overtime win against the Spurs no less) against the red hot Bucks. Uh oh! Fear the John Salmons Era. (I said fear it! Why aren't you trembling in fear!?)

Raptors at Timberwolves: Hey, speaking of the Craptors. Oh, and hey, speaking of losing streaks, the Timberpoops haven't seen a victory in a dozen games. So, you know, status quo.

Spurs at Thunder: The Spurs? On the road? After losing in overtime? Jeez. They're going to be tired enough just from flipping through their AARP magazines!

Celtics at Jazz: So, I see the Celtics decided to finally give a crap again. Nice to see you back, guys.

Grizzlies at Kings: The Purple Paupers just whupped up on the Clippers. Look out! One game winning streak!!

Suns at Warriors: This game isn't even defense-optional. It's just plain ol' "no defense allowed."

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Don Nelson, New Jersey Nets

17-year-old LeBron shirtless in a cornfield
AKA: WTF?!
(via Andy Gray's SI Vault)
While I am still in a depressed state over the Nyets winning their fourth game of the season, I do have good news. Last night I decided to plunk down the $80 for the second half of the season's NBA League Pass Broadband. I figured I owed it to you guys to better provide entertaining writing. (Okay, I'm lying out my ass. I just wanted to watch more games.) Since it's TNT game night and there's only one other game tonight, that would mean I'd get to watch the Dinos and Bricks online! Thank God I have to bowl tonight so I won't accidentally watch that game instead of Celtics/Magic.

Oh, and just for the hell of it, you NEED to see this picture of Shaq back in high school (also via Andy Gray's SI Vault). It's hard to believe it's the same person as The Big Creaky, isn't it?

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Not pictured: Jackie Christie running across the court to tackle the Raptor for tempting her man

Stop the presses! Don Nelson is wearing a tie!
He also apparently has learned to use The Force.
(Now if only he could apply it to winning basketball games...)

John Kuester and Rodney Stuckey admire OJ Mayo's, uh, assets

The Big Earplug

Come on, that looks nothing like Kobe! That can't be his!

Nationally Televised Games:
Celtics at Magic: KG steps back on the floor, and suddenly the Celtics remember how to play defense! Funny how that works. All I really can say about this game is that I pray it doesn't resemble their Christmas Day meeting. Ouch. That game was right up there with Sam Cassell and Popeye Jones on the ugly scale. Though it probably wasn't worse than this atrocity.

Mavericks at Suns: Accuscore says Phoenix is a 65% favorite in this game. Screw those guys. Haven't they seen the Suns play in the past month? And most importantly, this game is on TNT. If you need me or AnacondaHL tonight, we'll most likely be found crying near alcoholic beverages. Just letting you know.

All The Other Games:
Raptors at Knicks: Shockingly enough, the Dinos have scored at least 100 points in a franchise-record 11 consecutive games. On the other end of this game, what did Mike D'Antoni have to say about his team's 50-point loss to the Mavs the other night? "We really didn't play well against Dallas." However, the Raptors are on a back-to-back, and the Knicks have fresh legs...

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Don Nelson, Phoenix Suns

Welcome to another night of BAD. Sorry to break the regular comedic tone for a few paragraphs, but it's hard not to address this... So, some of you may be familiar with Paul Shirley and his recent exploits. If not, a little backstory:

Shirley was a former professional basketball player, one who might fit right in at this blog. He never was a starter for an NBA team, and never even was an effective bench player. He got by mostly on ten-day contracts playing garbage time for teams like the Suns. In fact, most of Shirley's pro ball career was spent wandering through a series of lower-level development teams and international efforts. He spent time playing in countries like Greece, Spain, and Russia. While playing for all of these teams, he kept a diary account of his experiences and published some entries, and also released a fairly entertaining book. After retiring from basketball because of constant injuries and the weariness of playing all around the world without a steady job, Shirley continued to write. He frequently wrote about music in his column for ESPN.com, for example.

In the aftermath of the Haitian earthquake disaster, Shirley wrote a piece for Flipcollective.com. It was a disaster in and of itself. Shirley argued that he wouldn't bother donating any money to the Haitian relief efforts because it would be wasted and the country was doomed to eternal failure and suffering. Everybody ripped him a new one. ESPN told him quite bluntly that his services were no longer needed.

Now, as DocZeus inquired: "No words on bawful legend, Paul Shirley, setting fire to every shred of good will he's ever engendered by telling Haiti to go suck it? For shame." For shame, indeed. For shame on Mr. Shirley.

A lot of what I have to say was already expressed by our head writer/editor in the WOTN comments. However, I'd like to just take it a little further. Shirley used to be a smartass, but a funny (if pretentious) one. He had sharp wit, pseudo-intellectual commentary, and he was fun to read. Somewhere along the way, he stopped being funny in a sarcastic way, but just became bitter. You can even see it in his book, as he never grows close to anyone, complains about his teammates, and is never satisifed with his situation. It gets worse and worse throughout the book, and apparently continued on well after the book was finished. He became contrarian for contrarian's sake, writing pieces such as the one where he claimed the Beatles are horribly overrated because anybody who recorded music after the Beatles would be able to take whatever they had done and improve upon it. Hey, I'm not the biggest Beatles fan in the world, but I'll quickly say that even a relatively simplistic song like "Something" is a better piece of music than anything I have ever heard by Oasis. I've heard a cover version of "I Want You/She's So Heavy" in a live performance by John Legend I caught on TV that wasn't even one tenth as good as the original Beatles version. But Shirley argued otherwise, simply to go against the grain and be controversial and gain some kind of odd indie credibility.

His take on Haiti is largely more of the same. He took an idea that was based on decent theory (just because you're donating money to the cause doesn't mean it's being spent wisely, or even making it to Haiti) and took it eighty times too far, being contrarian simply to be contrarian. He didn't consider the fact that he was freelancing for a company owned by Disney who does not appreciate going too sharply against the grain. Or maybe he considered it and just didn't care because he thought he would gain something by being controversial and loud and brash. I don't know. All I know is that this won't end nearly as well as Paul Shirley hoped, and that's sad for all of us that knew about him before this mess.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:


Somehow I don't think he's listening to the dulcet tones of teammate Ron Artest's rapping


"I'm tellin' you, ref, these stretchy waistband slacks are fantastic!"


Normally I wouldn't approve of celebrating this hard after a win over the Warriors, but I'll let this one slide


Poor Golden State. This looks a little too much like the Nyets sad bench photos

Nationally Televised Games:
Jazz at Frail Blazers: I don't really know why, but Utah's been on fire lately. They've averaged just shy of 112 points per game for eight games now and have put together a three game winning streak. Is this the same team that lost six of nine games just a few short weeks ago?

All The Other Games:
Timberwolves at Crabs: According to Stats LLC, the Timberpoops' odds of winning are at 7%. So you're telling me there's a chance? ...Yeah!!!

Lakers at Pacers: I was surprised to read that the Lakers have dropped five of their last six games in Indianapolis. I have no explanation and am frankly confused.

Heat at Raptors: Weren't the raptors wiped out by the heat from an asteroid collision 65 million years ago? The Raptors could get revenge this time around -- remember, the Heat are known as the "Bipolar Girlfriend at That Time of the Month on Crystal Meth" for a reason.

Grizzlies at Pistons: The Pistons are actually playing .500 ball at home. The Grizzlies aren't very good on the road. Can Z-Bo continue his sudden MVP-ish behavior?? (It hurts just to type that)

Clippers at Nyets: This would have already been the Basketbawful Game of the Night anyway for obvious reasons, but the Jersey Shore cast is going to be there. Now that's a Situation, bro. I wonder if Ronnie will beat up the beat whenever music gets played over the PA? And how long before one of them gets sloppy drunk and starts causing trouble?

76ers at Bucks: Both teams just aren't very good. Milwaukee's lost six straight to the Sixers. However, Milwaukee's at home. Despite what Stats LLC says, isn't this game just a coinflip?

Bulls at Thunder: I don't get this Bulls team. They're on a seven-game road trip where they've beaten the Spurs, Rockets, and Suns... but lost to the Clippers and Warriors. What??

Nuggets at Rockets: Now this is a game that should have been nationally televised. Denver's won seven straight, but on the road against a decent Rockets team. Unless Clutch the Bear sabotages the game somehow (not putting it past him), this should be a close one.

Hawks at Spurs: San Antonio, can you please get out of this funk and start playing some defense again? Pretty please?

Hornets at Warriors: In case anybody forgot Don Nelson was still coaching the Warriors, they're giving up 110.8 PPG. Yep, that's definately Nellieball.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Don Nelson, Los Angeles Clippers, New Jersey Nets, Paul Shirley