Lakers Grizzlies Basketball
That's odd. Doesn't mayo normally go on the inside of the sandwich?

I've heard of moral victories, but this is ridiculous.

However, that's not as ridiculous as this: The Nutcracker in 3D, complete with rat-faced Nazis, plus, according to the article, "singing and dancing. A little kung fu. An electrocuted shark and at least one beheading. And it's in 3D!" Oh, hell yes! (If you were wondering, it has a delightfully appropriate 0% on right now). Here is Roger Ebert's scathing review, and here is the absolutely insane trailer you must watch:

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Spurs Warriors Basketball
I love how Richard Jefferson is subtly flexing his muscles to intimidate the friggin' Warriors

Nets Knicks Basketball
What sport are we playing mocking again?

Grimace face contest!

Joey Crawford is nonplussed by Gasol-on-Gasol action

Nationally Televised Games:
Frail Blazers at Celtics, NBA TV, 7:30pm: With all the knee, ankle, and leg problems the Blazers have faced, I'm surprised they haven't had to miss a game yet because their team airplane had problems with its landing gear collapsing.

Spurs at Clippers, NBA TV, 10:30pm: No idea why this game made it onto NBA TV, but whatever. The Clippers effort in this game will resemble this video:

All The Other Games:
Grizzlies at Hawks, 7pm: And we come to a letdown game for the Care Bears.

Thunder at Nyets, 7pm: Russell Westbrook is playing some great basketball right now. Even better than Kevin Durant for the moment (though that is likely not going to be the case in the long run, but for this short span of time, absolutely true). So who gets to guard him? Either a playing-injured Devin Harris, or if he gets shut down, Jordan Farmar. Gonna be a long night...

Wizards Generals at Craptors, 7pm: This game will be about as exciting as the car chase scene in Mitchell.

Hot Merging Action!

But, hey, Basketbawful reader The Other Chris will be there! Lucky him:
Tonight's Bawful field trip for yours truly: Craptors vs. Generals. Our first round pick (Ed Davis) said to make his NBA debut after a brief stint in purgatory rehabbing in the D-league. Given the bitch-slapping the Wizards laid on the Mighty Dinos the last time, they should be up for a classic revenge game this time. And if you believe what I wrote in that last sentence, you've clearly never actually watched the Raptors play, because who knows what the hell you're going to get from this team from game-to-game. Beat Orlando on the road, lose to Charlotte at home. Yeah. High.. five?
Don't hang your head too low. You may miss seeing the Craptors mascot rollerblading down a flight of stairs!

Pistons at Heat, 7:30pm: LeBron and the Heat are obviously looking ahead to tomorrow's trip to Cleveland, but honestly, can we even consider this a trap game? I mean, this is Detroit we're talking about here. The only wins the Pissed-Ons have gotten all season? Against the Bobcraps, Warriors, Clippers, Purple Paupers, Generals, and Bucks. That's just sad.

Bobcraps at Hornets, 8pm: Numbers time! The Hornets have been playing well in the first half lately -- 54 points on 53% shooting as a team the last five games. However, the second half has been a struggle. During that same timeframe, they've gone cold as Santa's balls (can you tell I'm already getting ready for Christmas?), shooting a whopping 39% from the field en route to 38 points for the entire second half. So there you go. Four losses in their last five games. How nice of the Bobcraps to come to town so they can turn things around.

Magic at Bulls, 8pm: There's a slight chance Carlos Boozer might actually return to action tonight, but it may be this weekend at least. This team is already performing above my expectations for them -- it'd be great to see them with even more scoring and rebounding presence. That being said, hoo boy. This is going to be a tough, tough game for both teams.

Timberwolves at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Darko may have finally come into his own, but that doesn't change the fact that the Timberwolves are garbage. Dirk Nowitzki's averaged nearly 25 points per game against them over the past dozen meetings between the Timberpups and Mavs, and I don't expect that to change tonight.

Lakers at Rockets, 8:30pm: Bad sign for the Rockets... Here's what coach Rick Adelman had to say about when Yao Ming and Aaron Brooks will return to the lineup: "I've stopped asking. It's just what the doctor sees as they progress...They both have to get on the floor before we'll know how long it will be." And the losing continues. What a shame.

Bucks at Nuggets, 9pm: The Nuggets: still fired up, still putting up points. The Bucks: still banged up, still horrible on offense. Not a terribly compelling matchup here...

Pacers at Jazz, 9pm: The Pacers have already doubled their total of road wins against Western conference teams this year (2) compared to last year (1 for the whole damn season). Progress!

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Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Was that Nathan Lane as Albert Einstein and Don King's love child? IN 3D?!?!1/!/?11!1

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Also, via Google search, you're actually not the first person to submit the phrase "Gasol-on-Gasol action" to the Internet. Ughhhh.

Anonymous Czernobog said...
OK, this is coming really late, but I couldn't find any mention of it in posts from that time, so I'm bringing it up.

Fabricio Oberto's jersey retired:

Blogger AnacondaHL said...

Blogger Dan B. said...
Was that Nathan Lane as Albert Einstein and Don King's love child? IN 3D?!?!1/!/?11!1

He invented the theory of boxing relativity, E=MC^2. Enormous profits = many naive boxers times crooked boxing organizations squared.

Also, via Google search, you're actually not the first person to submit the phrase "Gasol-on-Gasol action" to the Internet. Ughhhh.

This makes me sad.

Blogger Mr. Too Nice Guy said...
Those are some good chants, although I see some epic fail on "My country tis of thee." By some stroke of luck, I'll be in Cleveland at the game tomorrow. Any other bawful readers going?

Blogger Robert Runyon said...
Sean Marks is going for record levels of bawfulness right now. At the half, he has 4 four fouls, 2 turnovers, and two missed shots in only 5 minutes.

Anonymous Reid said...
Sean Marks is going for record levels of bawfulness right now.

6th string centers do that. Yes, portland really is on it's 6th center, and yes he's returning from an injured ankle. Why do the basketball gods hate the blazers?

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
Hey loyal Basketbawul readers! Toronto resident and faithful Craptors fan The Other Chris here with an eyewitness account of tonight's exiciting lacktion - Craptors vs. Generals!

Now, the last time these two teams played on November 17th, the Raptors had just come off of a Florida back-to-back where - despite their 1-7 record - they beat Orlando at home and gave Miami a good run. They then travelled to Washington, to play one of the worst teams in the NBA, on three days rest.. and got their asses handed to them like a turkey on Thanksgiving. I personally stopped watching said game in abject disgust. The Internet tells me that the corpse of Gilbert Arenas scored 20 points, with Bawful All-Star Andray Blatche dropping 22 and Nick Young chipping in 20. This is without #1 overall pick John Wall, by the way.

So the stage was set for a classic revenge game. Or more bipolar girlfriend play from the Raptors. Which team would show up - the one that beats Orlando and Boston, or the one that gets bitchslapped at home by Atlanta and Charlotte?


Anonymous The Other Chris said...
Well, the Raps and Wiz must have a prop bet about who can suck more on the road, because Washington started badly and went downhill. Then rolled off a cliff, smashed into the bottom, caught on fire, and exploded. After allowing the Raptors to score 72 points in the FIRST HALF, Washington "responded" by coming out after halftime and immediately turning the ball over three times for three layups. 28 point lead, game over.

Someone forgot to tell Washington that the game had started and it was time to do things like defend the rim, or defend at all, because the Raptors were running a layup drill all night. Let's see - 58% from the field, 55% from three. And that doesn't begin to reflect the beating the Dinos laid on the hapless Generals. Seven Dinos reached double figures; basically everyone who can throw it in the ocean was free to do so at will. Only the offensively limited trio of Amir Johnson, Joey Dorsey and Julian Wright (5 minutes) really failed to score.

Suprisingly for a team which that features Andray Blatche and JaVale McGee at the power positions, the Wizards also managed to rack up a -22 rebound differential. You know, in the same way it was surpising that Ricky Martin is gay. And this without Reggie Evans playing, a player who has no discernible NBA skills other than "getting every fucking rebound". Andrea "Allergic to Rebounding" Bargnani had 8 boards fer Chrissakes.

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
Lastly, but certainly not leastly, this game featured extended minutes for the likes of Alonzo Gee (starting - way to "blossom", Al Thornton), Cartier Martin, Kevin Seraphin, and Trever Booker. Protip: If when the announcer calls the names of your players checking in, and someone as NBA-obsessed as myself doesn't know who they are, your team is in a whole heap of trouble. Had I been drinking, I might have assumed that I had some sort of aneurysm and ended up at a D-League game in Idado by accident. The talent and energy the Wiz showed tonight - giving up 100 points by the end of the 3rd quarter - was certainly reflective of that.

Basketbawful correspondent The Other Chris signing off. Next up: Craptors and Nyets, Friday, Decemer 17th!

Blogger draftaraujo said...
"Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results."
— Albert Einstein

Gilbert Arenas Line in Toronto
1-10 FGA 0-2 3pt 2 TO, while being guarded by the defense force of Jose Calderon and Derozan


Anonymous Karc said...
Ok, Lakers fans, now you can panic. Shane Battier beat you with an 11-0 run, in the 4th. That just blows.

We may need a new feature here, Unknown Laker-killer of the Night. This is a theme that I can enjoy.

I may be wrong, but I think that's the first time a Phil Jackson team has lost 4 in a row, ever. And I think they are only 2 games better than Miami now.

Can't blame Crazy Pills for this one, he wasn't even on the court.

Me, yeah, I'm happy.

Blogger draftaraujo said...
New formula if
X = Kobe Bryant,
Y = Shots taken

X+Y > 20 = Fail

Anonymous aK Dave said...
T.O.C.- Nice game report; thanks for sharing :)

Blogger Bing said...
LA was beaten by this guy?
Sad day to be a Lakers fan.

Blogger Rich Muhlach said...
Mayo + Kobe (beef) + white rice = yuck

Blogger Andrei said...
Not only did Matt Bonner get posterized by Griffin tonight, but his name is censored by twitter: "@jadande Wow, Matt ***** came this close to getting Mozgoved."

Blogger Brigadier Ketchup said...
lol @ that picture, Bing.

Is there a list of all the trillions compiled anywhere? I've found a few that may not have been mentioned before. And do turnovers and fouls count against a trillion? I would think those would be gravy negative stats for a trillion. Unless that's a suck differential. I'm so confused!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Is that deodorant residue stuck on feltons' armpit???

Anonymous JJ said...
draftaraujo, I was just about to post something like that too. Kobe has been taking shots like crazy during their losing streak like his 06-07 form. And this 4-game losing streak is their first since 06-07 season.

It seems like the best way to beat Lakers is to guard everyone but Kobe and let Kobe shoot his brains out. Pretty ironic. Jordon took shots like crazy too, but I don't remember that hurting his team like this. Oh yeah, he was actually efficient.

Blogger Murcy said...
@Bing he looks exactly like a vogon

Blogger Passives Abseits said...
Lebron James fell!!! To the floor!!! And he was slow getting up!!! Somebody get him a tissue. This is seriously the headline of my morning on Not the 4th loss of the Lakers... Seriously, it is getting ridiculous. And since we're at it: the way they've been hyping up this upcoming blow out, I was sure it Cavaliers Heat would have at least played last night.

Anonymous Stockton said...
I see the Bulls are already taking the benefits of Boozer's inside presence.
It's always a pleasure watching Boozer "trying" to defend the paint.

Just take note: do not, DO NOT, leave any bags in the floor of the lockeroom!

Off topic: until Bogut and Gooden come back, how about changing Milwakee's name to "Bambies"?

Blogger draftaraujo said...
@jj I forgot where i read it maybe it was here but the lakers are 0-7 when Kobe takes more then twenty shots

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
PPS. There is one play in particular which summarized the goings-on of last night. The ball was swung to Sonny Weems on the left baseline, in the first quarter. There was no one within a country mile of him. He began to aggressively drive towards the basket, but hesitated for a split second - you could see him thinking, "Surely someone is going to rotate over and challenge me?". Well, the closest defender to the unfolding baseline dunk was Future NBA 1rst team _efence Null Star Andray Blatche. He took about 1/10th of a halfhearted step towards the baseline, then gave up and went into his famed statue defence. Sonny drove from the 3 point line to the basket, soared in for a dunk, and there was still no one with 5 feet of him.

Forgot about hand in the face. How about some part of the body in some general vicinity of someone.

Also the list of groups attending the game included as the last one: Vandelay Industries. I don't know if you've heard, but they're in latex.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Kobe's had 449 career regular season games taking =>21 shots, so I don't know what 0-7 you're talking about but yea magic stats out of thin air.

The Lakers do win at a much lower rate (257-192, 57%) in those games, and are 32-41 (43.8%) when he chucks up => 31 (compared to their overall win% since 1997-98 of 65.7%).

via basketball-reference play index

Anonymous KHayes666 said...
I'm new to all the lingo on this site but I have a question about it.

This wasn't an NBA game but last night Boston College player Dallas Elmore didn't score a single point, didn't grab a single rebound, didn't dish out a single assist and bricked 2 shots in sixteen minutes of playtime.

I'm too lazy to go read the definitions but does this qualify as a mario, suck differential or something else?

Anonymous Shrugz said...
"Tomorrow, the only the thing that's going to be on ESPN is LeBron going back to Cleveland, right? Because ESPN only covers two stories -- Brett Favre and the Miami Heat. And then we have about five minutes for the rest of the sports world."

AHAHHA oh Stan how hilarious

Blogger draftaraujo said...
My bad, 0-6 this season when Kobe takes 20 or more shots
@Den 11-32
vsPhx 11-20
@Uta 10-21
vs Ind 14-33
@Mem 9-25
@Hou 10-24

Not horrid numbers, but given that Fisher/Artest are in the starting lineup, he kind of has to take at least 20 shots a game.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
draftaraujo - Ah, I see what happened, you're just wording it wrong. While it's true that in the Lakers's six losses this season Kobe has shot the ball 20+ times, he's actually shot the ball like that in 12 games so far, thus a 6-6 record (and by subtraction, 7-0 when he's shooting less). May it be noted the correlation-is-not-causation-yet-there's-high-implications rule applies here.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
I'm new to all the lingo on this site but I have a question about it.

This wasn't an NBA game but last night Boston College player Dallas Elmore didn't score a single point, didn't grab a single rebound, didn't dish out a single assist and bricked 2 shots in sixteen minutes of playtime.

I'm too lazy to go read the definitions but does this qualify as a mario, suck differential or something else?

My math is fuzzy, but sounds like a +2 suck differential.

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