The Orlando Magic: Well...that blew big, steaming chunks. I felt like I was visited by the ghost of the 1994-95 Orlando Magic last night. Faceplanting this hard in Game 1 of the NBA Finals is...is...well, it's like designing a talking Elmo doll with over 20 minutes of testicles-related dialogue (such as "Do balls go on your head?", "Do balls have frosting?" and "Elmo loves balls!").


The Magicians shot a shockingly horrific 29 percent (23-for-77) from the field. Okay, have you absorbed that little smidgen of bawfulness yet? Well, have fun trying to absorb this one: That stinky feat makes Orlando the first team to shoot less than 30 percent in Game 1 of the NBA Finals since the Knicks did it in 1951. That was pre-shot clock, by the way. Seriously. And you know what that means, don't you?


How bad was it? Well, let me put it this way: Orlando hit six more free throws and scored 15 more points off three-pointers...and still lost by 25. And while the Magic were getting outscored 60-34 during the second and third quarters, their entire team had fewer field goals (10) than Kobe Bryant did by himself (11). To be fair, it wasn't just terrible shooting that doomed Orlando. Rebounding killed 'em too. They got hammered on the boards 55-41. The Magic just...well, hell, looking at the box score is like peeping under the bloody sheet covering a body on an autopsy table right after the predictably creepy undertaker says, "You DO NOT want to look under there." So perhaps this stunning loss is best summed up by a little snippet from Ben Q. Rock of the Third Quarter Collapse:

"Individual matchups are also a concern -- what isn't a concern on defense for Orlando right now? -- as Lee could not stop Luke Walton from scoring inside. With Lee and Pietrus on the floor at the same time, at shooting guard and small forward, respectively, the Magic used Pietrus to defend Bryant and Lee to defend Walton. Perhaps on paper, this matchup skews heavily in Lee's favor. However, that paper may not account for Walton's 3-inch, 35-pound size advantage on Lee, which is how he simply muscled through him for 3 baskets during that span. Overall, Walton shot 4-of-5 for 9 points. Yes, Luke Walton hit four times as many field goals as Dwight Howard did. It's no wonder why Orlando lost by 25."

Ugh x 1,000,000. Oh, and hey, speaking of Dwight Howard...

Dwight Howard: I guess someone jammed a brick of Kryptonite up his ass before the game, because Dwight was decidedly un-super last night: 12 points (on 1-for-6 shooting), 15 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 blocks. It's a pretty bad sign when a franchise player has more turnovers (2), fouls (3) and missed free throws (6) than field goals (1) in his NBA Finals debut, right? And even those "meh" numbers don't really tell you how ineffective Dwight was. He was totally neutralized.


Another game or two like this, and I might have to suggest a new theme song for Howard. However, there's plenty of evidence to prove the old adage "sh*t rolls downhill"...

Orlando's starting backcourt: Rafer Alston and Courtney Lee combined to shoot 5-for-19 (including 1-for-8 from downtown) and finished with more blocks against (2) and fouls (4) than assists (1). That's right: The Magic's starting guards out-assisted me by one. Then, too, as noted above, Lee got the handiwipe treatment from the Son of Walton. Of course, there were also problems with...

Orlando's backcourt reserves: Mickael Pietrus was his team's leading scorer (14 points on 5-for-13 shooting), but Kobe Bryant made him look silly. I'm talking "dressing me and my cat up in aluminum foil hats" silly. And Jameer Nelson -- who started off pretty strong in his return -- eventually looked just as rusty and fatigued as you'd expect from a guy who hasn't played professional basketball in months and was suddenly thrust onto the biggest stage in professional basketball. These two men finished the game with a plus-minus score of -42. Which sounds pretty bad until you take a look at these guys...

Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis: They produced 21 combined points on 5-for-21 shooting and had a joint plus-minus score of -46. To add a splash of vomit to that poop sundae, they barely had more rebounds and assists (11) than fouls and turnovers (10). Add this mess to Howard's slop, and that's a pretty ginormous no-show from your big guns.

Stan Van Gundy: Before the game, somebody asked Van Gundy if he was intimidated by Phil Jackson. Stan's reply was to laugh and say: "I guess if one of the NBA players threatened to kick my butt, I'd be intimidated. Phil sitting down there on his chair doesn't intimidate me." I wonder if he'd like to reassess that answer now? And I bet his brother Jeff hasn't been this disappointed since Miley Cyrus canceled that show in Arkansas.

Update! Kobe Bryant: Mamba had his best-ever scoring game in the NBA Finals with 40 points. But Wild Yams has an observation regarding that final tally: "Kobe Bryant should probably get a mention for going back in there in the 4th quarter with the Lakers already up 25 or so and just firing away in an attempt to get those last 4 points to get him to 40 for the game." The great and powerful Cortez added: "Included in that mention should be the fact that his 4th quarter nonsense/misses came while being guarded by J.J. Reddick(!!!) and he looked the trailer(s) off, at least twice, in that stretch by forcing up some highly contested shots." As always, we aren't hatin', we're just sayin'.

Update! Kobe and LeBron babysittin': Basketbawful reader QUIKJO sent a link to this puppetastic parody:

Labels: 2009 NBA Finals, Game 1, Los Angeles Lakers, Orlando Magic