What it is: Some cloth dye and needlework on socks that are a blend of 80 percent acrylic, 20 percent stretch yarn, and 100 percent awesome*.

What it's supposed to do: Establish pride, unity, and a sense of identity (for teams); provide a medium of open and honest expression (for individuals).

What it actually does: Holds sweat, chafes your feet, looks exceptionally ugly, and wastes you and/or your team's hard-earned money.

Who it's for: Anybody who wants to play basketball in a pair of hideous, calf-length socks that look like they were imported directly from a bad 80s movie**.

What it says about you: That you're willing to sacrifice comfort and performance to wear socks that kinda-sorta look like "official" team socks, assuming that team is comprised entirely of prison inmates, homeless people, or refugees from some Third World country.

Cost and availability: You can buy them for $6.75 (plus S&H) a pair at Awesome Sports. Of course, they require that you buy at least 12 pairs per color and design. And the fact that there are no refunds on custom orders is obviously the company's subtle way of saying "Satisfaction not guaranteed."

* And by "awesome" I of course mean "godless monstrosity."

** It would, of course, be about a group of lovable, ragtag misfits from Camp Tittywacka who learn important lessons about life and themselves as they train for a tournament in which they defeat a team of vastly superior athletes from rival Camp Kickassawassi.

Labels: gear, pickup basketball