As hot as Jennifer is, and as positive as she tries to be, her bio is kind of a downer. Her favorite song is a tune by Tim McGraw called "Live Like You Were Dying." At first glance that seems kind of inspirational, but then when you think of it, it's actually kind of depressing and creepy. And speaking of depressing, when asked where she was ten years ago, Jennifer said, "I was in elementary school and learning my multiplication tables." If that doesn't make you feel like a sick old pervert, then nothing will.
Boobtastic Extra: For some reason, the geniuses running the Miami Heat site didn't include a picture of Jennifer in a bathing suit. This filled me with a seething rage, which, fortunately for the Miami Heat organization, Brook was able to sooth and succor. Thank you, Brook.
Former Indiana Pacers player Rik Smits will be part of a fundraiser on the Southside for high school anti-drug, tobacco and alcohol programs in Central Indiana. Docs vs. Jocks vs. Drugs will feature a game of basketball between the physicians of St. Francis Hospital & Health Centers and the faculty of Lutheran High School, according to a news release from St. Francis. The annual game, in its 20th year, has been to various south-central Indiana high schools, which keep proceeds raised from ticket sales to enhance local drug, alcohol and tobacco awareness programs.Okay...what the hell??! As far as I've been able to determine, Rik hasn't made it back to Indiana since he retired. He doesn't attend Pacers games, or do interviews, and he skipped the most important retirement ceremony in Pacers history. But he can come back to play in a high school charity game? I mean, it's commendable that he wants to keep kids off drugs and everything, but I don't see how he can fly all the way to Indiana to play a pickup game against a handful of doctors and school teachers after dissing Reggie. That's just wrong.
I'm a pretty soft-hearted guy, and I've forgiven Rik for a lot of things. Like the fact that he's 7'4", but he only averaged 6 rebounds a game for his career. Did I mention he's 7'4"? And then there's the 2000 NBA Finals. He averaged a measely 10 points and 4 rebounds a game. And in case you forgot, he's 7'4". A telephone pole could have contributed more than Rik did. And it's not like he was giving his all at the other end of the floor. Shaq averaged 38 points and 18 rebounds for the series, by far his best playoff performance. Anyway, I forgave all of that. But not this. No, never this.
Apparently, the charity game was played last weekend. I haven't been able to find any follow up articles or anything else about it. Does anyone know anything about this? Am I the only person outraged? Okay, yeah, I probably am...
If you answered A: You're calm and cool. Maybe a little too calm and cool. This is your favorite athlete, man!
A. Say and do nothing. Simply seeing him/her is enough.
B. Scream out his/her name and wave frantically until acknowledged.
C. Run over to him/her, give a vigorous handshake and/or hug, then request an autograph.
D. Follow him/her home, as silent and invisible as the Ninja, and watch him/her lovingly through the bedroom window.
E. All of the above. Also, break into his/her home so that you can sleep in their bed. Steal a few "mementos" (jerseys, trophies, championship rings, dead skin shavings for your cloning experiments, underwear, etc.). Set up a sophisticated surveillance system so you can watch them at all times, like in that Jim Carey movie The Truman Show. Build a small shrine -- hell, a big shrine -- to him/her in your home, so that you an administer regular benedictions.
"Randolph missed the team photo, saying that he thought it was on a different day. Nevermind that he was told Saturday morning while getting treatment that the photo was a few hours later at the Rose Garden. The Blazers had someone "stand-in" for Randolph and will airbrush him into the photo. They had to do the same thing last year for General Manager John Nash, who was reportedly out of town, on assignment, which is far more excuseable."We all knew Zach was another victim of the Contract Year Phenomenon, but this is still pretty sad. I tried that whole "I thought it was another day" excuse back when my sister got married, and it didn't go over very well. On the up side, I totally rocked my friends in a game of Super Street Fighter, so everything more or less turned out okay. Anyway...if they are going to "airbrush" Zach into the photo, they should get the guy who did "The Cassells Family Portrait" to do it.
"It is weird. But it tells a larger story about inherent conflicts that exist in any society. Even cats can have the same hang ups that we have. And of course, the lives of the cats represent different facets of our society played out to its ultimate conclusion -- treat people as you would like to be treated and do not judge people or cats by how ugly their skin color and clothes might look. I can go on but I think you will get the picture. "Whoa. And I honestly thought it was just a bunch of people dressed as cats singing stupid songs. Thanks for clearing that up for me, Adonal! He also provides the perfect formula for shot blocking:
"Timing plus the principle of verticality plus spacing between you and the offensive player plus refs holding their whistle plus not being afraid to get dunked on plus playing good position and understanding that a block is a last resort = Good shot blocker"Gosh, when you put it that way, it sounds so easy. And to think that Einstein wasted his time on a theory about how everyone in Kentucky is related. Or whatever.
"All year long we do 15 players, then they should do 15 in the playoffs. I don't understand the thinking at all behind it."When I read this, I automatically expected Jackson to take the opposite stance. That's the way it works, right? Wrong. The Zing Master actually agreed with Riley.
"I don't see why they don't have the 15. I don't understand why you have 15 all season long and in the playoffs you have 13. That doesn't make any sense. If you're going to have a rule for the regular season, you might as well have it for the playoffs."Unless I'm wrong -- and I'm never wrong -- these two polar opposites are in unified agreement over this issue. All I can possibly imagine is that they were asked the question at the exact same time, so neither of them knew what the other one had to say. I keep expecting the world to be radically alterned in some kind of Back To The Future time paradox. Or maybe some Old Testament, real wrath of God type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes. The dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria!! Okay. I'm done.
"Play hoops on your home court with Ben Wallace. Designed for indoor or outdoor play, the life-size Ben Wallace inflatable builds your basketball skills. You'll improve your shooting arc by practicing shots over Big Ben's outstretched arms. Dribble around Ben, come off his screens for open shots or take it right to the basket over the big man. You'll learn what many of Ben Wallace's opponents already know; you must: Fear the Fro!"And just to emphasize that last point, inflatable Ben is actually wearing a headband that reads "Fear the Fro." You know, just in case you weren't already terrified of it. Which, of course, you were. Anyway, the Inflatable Defender is a training tool that you basically stand near the basket and try to shoot over. Of course, in the old days people used to practice shooting over living, breathing human beings. So this product is basically for lonely children who are hated and shunned by their peers, but still want to learn how to play basketball.
The highlight of the site is a promotional video that shows people using the Inflatable Defender. My favorite scene is the one where the emcee says, "Practice your drives to the basket" while some kid runs awkwardly over the Inflatable Defender and then misses the layup. Badly. The video goes a little crazy when it suggests getting together with your friends, all of whom will naturally have an Inflatable Defender, to have a game of your team versus five Inflatable Defenders. Of course, if you've ever played ball at your gym, you'll notice that these stationary balloon guys actually play better defense than a typical pickup player.
"Bruce Bowen was smacking me the whole game. I couldn't believe it. He was just smacking me. I was like, that's not even legal. That's why I'm the Defensive Player of the Year. That's why. Because I play good defense. No gimmicks."No gimmicks, eh? That's pretty funny coming from the guy who once pulled down Paul Pierce's shorts during a freaking game. And yes, he did to distract Pierce during a critical possession.
"I think it's worth mentioning that the word started because of Shaq's "Shaqnosis" shoes from Reebok, which looked like a cross between a zebra and the movie poster from Vertigo. The only known cure for Shaqnosis is, of course, Taco Neck Syndrome."So there you have it. Sadly, the Shaqnosis shoes (pictured below) have long since been discontinued. Although the bizarre design probably clears up the misconception that Shaq's defenders used to flop all the time. They were obviously befuddled by those crazy zebra stripes. I guess that, for the sake of accuracy, I should omit the "p". But honestly, "Shaqnopsis" sounds funnier to me. The "p" stays.
"We are glad to hear that you truly enjoy Gatorade and that nothing rehydrates you better. But we are disappointed that you found our packaging unsatisfactory. When developing product packages, numerous designs are considered. There are many factors involved in producing containers which function easily and best protect the product. The final selection is made on the basis of convenience, product safety and cost. Your comments and point of view have been shared with management. They are appreciated and will be considered in reviewing packaging in the future."I'm still trying to figure out whether they actually read my e-mail or just sent back some kind of form letter. I think all that "We're glad Gatorade rehydrates you" stuff was their way of screwing with me. And listen up, Gatorade people, I don't find your packaging unsatisfactory. I find it looks like a giant, fruit-flavored schlong. Maybe if you weren't so busy blowing smoke up my ass, you could comment on that. And I sincerely doubt my viewpoint will be considered the next time Gatorade designs a bottle. Of course, I'll take that back if they ever release a drink dispenser shaped like Gwen Stefani's luscious breasts.
"Over the past couple weeks, I've received two letters asking me if I thought that Gatorade's bottles were purposely phallic. I thought this was ridiculous. Gatorade's bottles are built the way they are because of the fact that the plastic has to hold up under extremely high heat without being permanently warped. The E.D.G.E. ergonomic bottle is made so that it can be optimally gripped. Not to mention the fact that, considering the majority of Gatorade's bottles are purchased by men and boys, it isn't too beneficial to intentionally shape your product like a piece of male anatomy. I'm not going to go into the graphic details that this site Basketbawful goes into, but I'll link it up here since I only expect this will spread around the Web more and, as with every Gatorade story, I like it to have some presence here."I admit to getting a little tingly about making it on the personal Web site of a guy who works for ESPN.com. Of course, that thrill was diminished by the fact that he called my theory "ridiculous." I don't really buy into his explanations, either. The bottle is shaped like a cock because of the heating process it's made with? Whaaaa?! So he's basically saying that it's physically impossible for Gatorade bottles not to look like a penis. I'm not a bottle-making scientist, or even what you would call "of average intelligence," but I'm pretty sure physics doesn't work that way. If that were the case, wouldn't all plastic bottles have contoured, penis-shaped tops?