Basketbawful

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Golden State Warrior center Adonal Foyle is currently averaging 4.5 points, 5.5 rebounds, and 1.65 blocks per game. These numbers aren't good enough to make the All-Star Team, or even the All-Sort-Of-Okay Team, but that hasn't kept Adonal from starring in his very own web site.

The site has a little bit of everything you never wanted to know about Adonal Foyle. According to the Early Years section of his Bio, he grew up on Canouan -- a tiny island measuring just 3.5 miles by 1.25 miles -- and lived with "his grandmother and his donkey." His...donkey? Man, you know you lived a lonely childhood when you talk about growing up with a donkey in your own biography. Of course, I grew up in Kokomo, Indiana, and my only friend was a stalk of corn I dressed in my sister's clothes and named "Mr. Montegomery Pinchback," so who am I to talk?

Despite having not really accomplished much in the NBA, Adonal's site still lists his career stats and even has an Awards section. For instance, did you know that Adonal was the Official Spokesman for the Warriors "Tall Tales" Reading Program? Or that he was a Social Change Agent for the Greenlining Institute? I think you'll agree that Adonal uses the term "award" very, very loosley.

I will say this for Adonal, though: he seems much smarter than your typical professional athlete. The Forum section contains a series of essays on such wide-ranging topics as the Sri Lankan Tsunami Crisis and the 2004 Presidential Campaign. In the Ask Foyle section, he gives thoughtful answers such questions as what he thinks of the musical CATS:

"It is weird. But it tells a larger story about inherent conflicts that exist in any society. Even cats can have the same hang ups that we have. And of course, the lives of the cats represent different facets of our society played out to its ultimate conclusion -- treat people as you would like to be treated and do not judge people or cats by how ugly their skin color and clothes might look. I can go on but I think you will get the picture. "

Whoa. And I honestly thought it was just a bunch of people dressed as cats singing stupid songs. Thanks for clearing that up for me, Adonal! He also provides the perfect formula for shot blocking:

"Timing plus the principle of verticality plus spacing between you and the offensive player plus refs holding their whistle plus not being afraid to get dunked on plus playing good position and understanding that a block is a last resort = Good shot blocker"

Gosh, when you put it that way, it sounds so easy. And to think that Einstein wasted his time on a theory about how everyone in Kentucky is related. Or whatever.

Apparently, Adonal is also a poet of some repute. His Poetry Corner is filled with little ditties about life on that island I mentioned five or six paragraphs ago. Just based on his poems, I don't think I ever want to go there though. There's all this talk about fighting, wars, making computer chips out of sweet potatoes, and getting whipped. Adonal uses weird terms like "bucolic paradise" and even makes statements like, "I miss the cocks that shout out loud." I don't know about you, but Coudkfjslkjfdl or whatever sounds like a pretty freaky place.

Speaking of freaky, Adonal's A-List lists "Freakonomics" as one of his top 10 favorite books, along with "Open Heart: Practicing Compassion in Everyday Life." And his top 10 favorite movies include "Brokeback Mountain" and "Tyler Perry Madea's Family Reunion." I'm not trying to take a shot at Adonal's masculinity or anything, but all this stuff about shouting cocks and gay cowboys is getting pretty fruity.

Fortunately, Adonal is quick to distract you with some fun and games in his Fun Zone. And what fun it is! You get to take a trivia quiz about Adonal and...and match up a bunch of pictures of Adonal...wait a minute. These games are kind of lame.

In the end, Adonal's site is kind of a waste of time. Which makes this post a triple waste of time: it was a waste when I visited the site, a waste when I wrote about it, and then a waste when you came here and read about it. I apologize. Let me try to make amends with this desktop wallpaper from Adonal to me to you.

Uh, thanks for the wallpaper, Adonal...

3 Comments:

atma brother #1 said...

Trust me man- no one knows Adonal like we do at Golden State of Mind.

Great guy...

AWFUL NBA player. Hasn't improved one bit since his rookie season. The lucrative long term contract Mullin signed him to has to be one of the most ridiculous of all time.

There's worse people making that much money in the world though...

4/13/2006 10:17 PM

Statbuster said...

If only he spent this much time on his 8 foot jumper.

http://goldenstwarriors.blogspot.com/2006/01/shot-heard-around-world.html

4/14/2006 8:07 AM

omar said...

I saw him play quite a bit while he was at Colgate. He is a great guy who played against horribly undermatched opponents in college, which is why he's only a mediocre pro. He should have gone to a bigger basketball school.

4/18/2006 7:42 PM