This Q&A segment of the Flight School: Fundamentals of Basketball video starts out with Michael Jordan making the following statement:

"I really don't understand the physics of jumping and how you increase that."
Don't feel bad, Mike; I don't understand it either. Hell, I didn't even know it was possible to increase the physics of something. But despite his confessed lack of knowledge, Jordan nonetheless proceeds to spend almost a minute "instructing" us on a subject he just admitted to knowing nothing about.

Jordan - TALK
Michael might not know anything about a particular
subject, but he isn't above talking out of his ass about it.

Since Mike doesn't understand the laws of physics, he just tells us about the things he did as a child to improve his own prodigious leaping ability. This includes "the very basic things," like riding a bicycle and trying to jump. Based on his Bizarro World logic, shouldn't someone like Lance Armstrong be able to jump to, I don't know, Uranus? Jordan forgets to mention that genetics made him a freak of nature with large, steel coils in place of leg muscles.

More of Michael's mental wizardry:

"I guess if you exercise the muscle to that activity, somehow it's gonna improve."
I...guess so. Michael then confused the hell out of me with one of the longest run-on senteces I've ever heard:

"How much it improves, no one can really dictate who's gonna be the greatest leaper of all time or when the next player's gonna be a great leaper, but those are the things that if you work on your jumping to some degree, it's gonna improve some."
What? No, seriously. What??! Aw, forget it. Mike, just tell me this: will riding my bike and jumping around the house make me a better basketball player?

"Will it maximize your opportunities? No."
Damn.

15 Comments:
Anonymous Anonymous said...
what did MJ do to you?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
what did MJ do to you?

Okay. I'll admit it. This story needs to be told...

When I was only a child, MJ ate my dog, Skip. It was a horrible and terrifying experience. All I did was ask for an autograph, but Michael lost it. "I've already signed a hundred of these things today!" he said, eyes bulging, spit flying. "Why do you kids hafta keep buggin' me?! Would you like it if I pestered you for an autograph? Huh? Would you like it if I invaded your personal life, maybe ate your dog?"

And then he ate Skip. Just ate him, right in front of me and a few of my terrified friends. Poor Skip. I loved that dog. And, ironically, because of that love...I hate Michael Jordan.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
that sentece might not be such a run on if there's a period before the but. Don't be so hard on the man, skip was probably too delicious to resist.

I still fondly recall a late 80's mj, telling roy firestone that "Dr. J was the epitome of a lot of kids." And a few years later, while enjoying a 3-0 lead on the pistons, "we worked hard to get ourselves into this predicament." I think it increases his appeal (though unintentionally for sure). Kind of like GW Bush and his mispronunciations, well, back when he was popular.
-CH

Anonymous Hype said...
Man, MJ will just about eat anything huh..

I watched all those vids on YouTube and I get this feeling that Mike is always on the verge of cracking up. I can just picture the camera crew: "oh shit oh shit...nonnonon...pleease oh.. god.. this guy, take #112!"

Blogger Jienhuo said...
Puhahahhaha that was hilarious man lol that was the funniest shit ive read today. if you got time come check out me and my friend's blog at http://www.crybabyballers.blogspot.com

Blogger Basketbawful said...
I think it increases his appeal (though unintentionally for sure). Kind of like GW Bush and his mispronunciations, well, back when he was popular.

I'm glad someone got it. The point of these posts isn't to convince people Michael wasn't a great player, or to just blindly hate on him. The fact is, the guy is a terrible public speaker who utters countless malapropisms...mostly because he tries so hard to sound intelligent.

Plus, from what I've read about Jordan, any time he's supposed to appear in a commercial or a video, he's notorious for showing up late and not reading scripts. The Flight School videos have that feel of Jordan showing up and just saying, "Screw the script, I'll just talk. I'm Michael fucking Jordan." And of course, the results are hilarious.

And it's not just Michael. Magic Johnson and Larry Bird both have serious problems with ad-lib speaking. Magic's improved, but when he first started broadcasting you could count on him making up AT LEAST two or three words per broadcast. Things like "Harmonism" and "Fundamativity" spring to mind.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
I watched all those vids on YouTube and I get this feeling that Mike is always on the verge of cracking up.

He actually sort of reminded me of somebody's grandpa telling old war stories: intense concentration and long, rambling monologues punctuated by knowing, elbow-in-the-ribs smiles. The video was clearly unscripted. Either that or Mike just threw the scripts away.

Anonymous Hype said...
The video was clearly unscripted. Either that or Mike just threw the scripts away.

It's pretty obvious that he ate it.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
It's pretty obvious that he ate it.

You're RIGHT. I'm sure Skip passed through his bowels years ago.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
If you actually watch that clip instead of picking sentences out of context and wrongly stating the point he's trying to make, it doesn't sound that stupid.

But the point he's making is that there's no magic way to increase your jumping ability. He's not "instructing" on how to jump higher, unlike what you said. He's saying there are other ways to become a good basketball player.

Blogger Chris O said...
I'm surprised no one's made the connection between MJ eating skip and the fact that he signed a hotdog endorsement with Ballpark weiners.

Anyway, reading Jordan's words, you're right. What the hell is he saying? But when you hear him talking about it, you just kinda go with it. I did anyway. I don't know, maybe I'm an idiot. I just kept trying to figure out what J's he had on.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
If you actually watch that clip instead of picking sentences out of context and wrongly stating the point he's trying to make, it doesn't sound that stupid.

I did watch the video, and I didn't take anything out of context. I transcribed what he was saying word for work in the exact order in which he said it. I left out the last sentence where he was blah-blah-blahing about not needing to jump to play basketball. But the rest of it is what he said, and it was in context.

Anonymous Sean said...
Anyone remember that Gatorade mp3?

...

I'll definitely agree that he's not the most eloquent guy ever. But to me, it's not like he's just bullsh*tting all over the place--what he said makes sense.

You transcribe, word for word, any spoken sentence and isolate it and it doesn't mean anything if it sounds weird. I didn't notice anything odd about what he said in the whole clip. The thing with "physics of jumping"--c'mon, that's just grammar policing.

Anonymous Matt G said...
I'll increase your physics, bitch.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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