Basketbawful

Friday, February 17, 2006

Last year, former NBA player and current ESPN columnist Paul Shirley wrote an ongoing blog that was published on the Phoenix Suns' official website. After a game against the hapless Atlanta Hawks, Paul made the following observation:

"Here's the deal: When, after 60 games, the team being announced has a winning percentage hovering around the same area as most pitchers' batting averages, it loses the right to a grand entrance. No more dance team, no more theme song, no more dimming the lights. The players just walk onto the court and play the game. That's it."

While we will agree that Paul is something of a satirical genius, we must respectfully disagree with at least one component of his proposition. The Hawks deserve a dance team. Or, more accurately, the 10 or 12 fans that still attend Hawks home games deserve one. Because let's face it, watching a live Hawks game is the basketball equivalent of going to see The Constant Gardener with your girlfriend. Every moment is pure and unadulterated torture, to the extent that even the slightest hint of bare flesh might keep you from trying to scrape your eyes out with spork.

The A-Town Dancers are the best thing about the Hawks, and Jeni is the best thing about the A-Town Dancers. Maybe it's her girl-next-door good looks, or maybe I just wish to the gods above that the girl next door looked like her. Whatever the reason, I'm in love with Jeni. And no amount of anti-depressants or restraining orders can change that.

But she's more than just a pretty face and a smoking hot body...she's got one of those brain things, too. While most of the other dancers spend their free time teaching spin classes or accepting small donations in their g-strings, Jeni is an architectural designer and a project coordinator. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds really smart.

Jeni studied how to build large erections while attending classes at the University of Florida. But like many of those nerdy types, Jeni can be a little bland. Her hobbies include a snore-arousing variety of mundane activities, such as "traveling, cooking, spending time with friends and family, and watching sports." Well duh, Jeni. You dance for a professional basketball team. We kind of figured you watched a lot of sports.

But come on. You can level with us. Anybody who looks and dresses like that has some spicy personal stories. We know those boots are made for...not walking. Please. Throw us a friggin' bone here. I mean, we can almost see your butt in that picture. Would it really hurt to describe what kind of underwear you have on? Okay. We'll stop now.

Just the color?

2 Comments:

Anonymous said...

Actually, while Jeni IS absolutely gorgeous...she is NOT by ANY means the only A-Town Dancer with a "Brain-thingy." If you had done a little more research and a little less patronizing you would find that the A-Town Dancers consist of Lawyers, engineers (No Jeni is NOT the only one), teachers, personal trainers, doctors, and professional artists---NONE of which are STRIPPERS! They may dance for a sucky team but that is NO reason to hate on those lovely ladies who are the only reason that fans come to see the Hawks in the first place!

4/04/2006 8:25 PM

Anonymous said...

I attend each and every Hawks home game and in no means do I attend to see the A-Town dancers. I have more fun with Harry the Hawk than the A-Town dancers. In no means am I saying I don't like them. I have nothing but respect for them but they are not the highlight of the game. Their dance routines are mediocre as well as their uniforms/ costumes. But none of this is the fault of the dancers. It's poor ownership and management of the team. This is the same owners that have yet to fire Mike Woodson when coaches have lost their jobs with better records. Also being an ex-co-worker of a few members of the dance teams I can honestly say none of them are now nor have the ever been g-string divas. They all are very educated young women who are lucky enough to be doing something they love. And as for your coments about Jen in her uniform get overyourself you perv. It's a costume it's an image that they have to sell.

4/08/2006 1:12 PM