Basketbawful

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Dancing fat guys...coming to an NBA arena near you!!

Have you ever attended a live NBA game? And if so, did you ever find yourself thinking "what this game really needs is a troupe of dancing fat guys"? Because that's what the Chicago Bulls think you were thinking. How else can you explain this:

What. The. Fuck.
The Matadors are an all-male performance ensemble who sing, dance, and lead crowd chants during timeouts and selected half-time shows. According to the Bulls official website, these guys aren't just entertainers. They have huge...senses of humor!! Ha ha!! (That is secret code to say they are fatties.)

"The application for this entertainment troupe called for men with BIG energy, BIG enthusiasm, BIG pride for their favorite NBA team and, well, BIG trousers. The goal was to put together a team of 12-15 men who could bring Bulls fans to tears through laughter in the 90-second time frame that makes up what we call in this league, a full time-out. The necessary qualifications for such a mission required little to no fitness regimen, dance experience or shame."

Thank you for explaining what a "full time-out" is, puny fools. We just landed on Earth yesterday, and that was the last thing standing between us and the brutal conquest of your pitiful planet!! Anyway, I don't know how they can possibly say these proud men have no shame...

Matador Mike O. says, "Blllarrrgghlll!!"
...sweet holy Jesus!! My eyes...they burn!! Okay. They've got the "bring Bulls fans to tears" part down. Seriously, why inflict these shambling ham monsters on fans who pay good money to see an underachieving team lose night after night? Maybe they're trying to scare people into the stadium gift shops, or maybe they just enjoy making children cry. I don't know. Whatever the reason, this is a textbook case of superdickery.

Corie's nickname is "Fatman." His stomach is"Robin." And no, I didn't make that up.
Corie is a security supervisor Joliet, Illinois. Accoding to his bio, he doesn't wear any underwear, probably because Hanes doesn't make a "beanbag" size. I figured since I had to suffer throught that terrifying mental image, then you should too. He claims that "grease is popping from the stove when someone is cooking" makes him feel sexy. I hate to tell him, but I think those popping sounds are probably just falling arteries.

Egyptian civilization didn't decline. He ate it.
The Pharaoh here is a financial analyst from Naperville, Illinois. He symbolizes the grace and beauty of an ancient culture that was eaten by a giant fat man. And before you Matador groupies get any funny ideas, forget it. He's already married. Actually, most of these pork beasts are married. The part of my brain that clings to sanity is glad we don't have to see their wives, but another part of me is sort of curious. You know, the part that likes to watch the police scoop what's left of someone into a bucket after a car accident.

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