There seems to be some confusion regarding this post. After my brief intro, it was written by a guest author. Note the words "And to cover this story, I present today's anonymous guest writer, who shall be known as Rule 34." There also appears to be additional confusion regarding why this post appears here. Not sure why it needs explanation, but here goes. The whole "man love" schtick is an ongoing gag on this site, something for a few guffaws now and again. Then, lo and behold, there are some people who are so into NBA man love that they write about it...and very seriously so. I absolutley had to mention it, but I had no idea how to go about it. So I asked the person who brought it to my attention to do so, since they are also a writer. Personally? I think it's kinda funny. Sorry some people are wigged about it. If you can't laugh about it, feel free to ignore it.
I consider myself pretty Internet savvy. With a few determined keystrokes, I can delve into the wit and wisdom of Mr. Spock
("The cat is the most ruthless, most terrifying of animals. As far back as the sabertooth tiger."), find almost anybody's grave
, and view some of the greatest Etch-a-Sketch creations ever made
. But I'm embarrassed to admit that, prior to late last year, I had very little knowledge regarding the phenomenon of slash fiction.
Slash fiction is a sub-genre of fan fiction, only instead of made-up stories about how Harry Potter saved his best friend Ron Weasley from a Dementor, slash fiction features made-up stories about how Harry and Ron got it on...possibly with
a Dementor in some sort of strange wizardly ménage à trois. No, seriously
Want to read about Spiderman and Wolverine having The Sex? Go for it
. Ever wondered what Optimus Prime would do if and when he finally defeated Megatron? Trust me, it would be more than meets the eye
. There is, quite literally, no limit to the number of people who enjoy writing about Gandalf buggering Frodo Baggins and/or He-Man learning a thing or two from Beast Man and Fisto.
Okay. I kinda sorta get it. But the world of slash fiction doesn't end with make believe wizards, superheros and transforming robots. NBA slash fiction exists. Oh, yes. And to cover this story, I present today's anonymous guest writer, who shall be known as Rule 34:
It all started with a comment here on Basketbawful.
I forget what it exactly said, but the commenter wondered if anyone had ever written fan fiction about basketball players. Duh, there's fan fiction about everything,
I thought, and promptly forgot about it for a while.
But then I got a livejournal. And I discovered how prescient that commenter was.
You see, as someone wise once said, the internet is for porn. Nowhere is that more true than livejournal. There are over twelve million active journals, and by my estimation, at least eleven million of them write gay pornographic fanfiction. Why? I have no idea. They just do. There's something about teenaged girls and the internet that just breeds gay pornography, about every subject imaginable. I guess I was naive to be surprised, then, that there was pages and pages of NBA fan fiction.My God
, I thought. This is more man love than Basketbawful ever dreamed of.
And so my investigation began.
As far as I know, there are only three sites dedicated to this phenomenon: the nba_slash community
("slash" meaning dude-on-dude) on livejournal, a site about Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash's True Love, and a site mostly about various Spurs having sex with each other. And this is what I learned:1.
All basketball porn is about Steve Nash.2.
If it's not about Steve Nash, it's about other Suns or the Spurs.2a.
Every Spur is gay. Yes, including Brent Barry. Yes, including Robert Horry.3.
If it's not about Steve Nash or the Spurs, then it's probably by shadow_shimmer.4.
If it's by shadow_shimmer, then it's fucking epic
and frighteningly good (see: the Manu Ginobili/Steve Nash series
, the Eddie Najera/Carmelo Anthony series,
and the one where Allen Iverson and Steve Nash have sex in Vegas.
If it's not any of those things, it's a rarity to be treasured.
By internet standards, there's not actually that much here. There's way more fanfiction written about Anderson Cooper, Keith Olbermann, and the true love between Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, for example (fangirls are big on true love). There's several authors' worth on each of the tripod sites, maybe three pages of stories on the livejournal community. But what is
there...whew. It's a gold mine, I tell you. So I'm here to share the, uh, fruits of my research.
So then, if you will join me, I present. In chronological order:NBA FANFICTION THEATAH, vol 1: LIVEJOURNAL. A Rookie's Place
- Manu Ginobili/Beno Udrih, Manu Ginobili/Tony Parker - rated: semi-porn -
All of the Spurs are super-gay. ALL OF THEM. It's badly formatted, too. Manu and Tony fight for the right to Beno Udrih. No, really. It's lolarious.
Quote of lol: "We really didn’t expect Beno to be this cute. But after that first practice with him, Tony and I were smitten."
Mantastic rating: 4/10Remember This Night
- Tim Duncan/Steve Nash - yes, there is porn -
Tim comes to Steve's hotel room in the playoffs. Commiseration and sex follow, but TIM IS NOT DIRK AND NEVER CAN BE. True love, fat kids and cake, that sort of thing.
Quote of lol: "This is awkward, but we can both brush it off and go about our business and never talk about it again. That sounds like a good plan."
Mantastic rating: 7.5/10Rebound
- Amare Stoudemire/Steve Nash - lots of porn -
Dirk calls Steve and breaks up with him. Steve is devastated, but Amare fixes it with the Healing Power Of His Penis. This is known as hurt/comfort in fanfiction land. Porn written in blue!
Quote of lol:: "Never before had Amare seen him crack. Never as an opponent and especially never as a teammate. Fuck, Amare almost didn't think it was possible. And yet there Steve was... cracking and breaking right in front of him after a few piercing words from a callous son of a bitch. "
Mantastic rating: 6.5/10Just Go
- Manu Ginobili/Beno Udrih - porn -
Manu tells Beno to leave his room after a loss. Goes to take a bath and WHOA OUT OF NOWHERE team-shower-orgy flashback ensues. Then Beno comes back and blows him in the tub, miraculously not drowning. There's at least a dozen stories about Manu and Beno. I have no idea why. Clearly, I missed a memo.
Quote of lol: "As if he could read my mind, he says -- 'I love your reaction to me. Like you want to touch me so badly, but yet you cannot.'"
Mantastic rating: 5/10Usted Es Mio
- Manu Ginobili/Beno Udrih - creepy porn -
Manu finds out Beno cheated on him with Brent Barry (BRENT BARRY?!). Then Manu rapes him as punishment. V. rapey. And if regular rape wasn't bad enough, the tenses are raped, too.
Quote of not-lol: "Beno’s a lover, not a fighter, and after that one blow, he realizes that he would never be able to overtake me."
Mantastic rating: 1/10 for rapeEphemera
, horizon_greene - Shawn Marion/Boris Diaw - romanticish porn -
Shawn and Boris have a) an established relationship and b) hot sex. Makes strange amount of sense.
Quote of lol: "I think it sounds better in French, maybe."
Mantastic rating: 8/10Worship
- Steve Nash/Leandro Barbosa, Shawn Marion/Raja Bell - No porn, just ridiculousness -
Shawn and Raja discuss Leandro's obvious crush on Steve and make fun of them for it. Steve tells Leandro it's okay. Make-out time. Then Raja and Shawn's discussion moves from mocking, which is what I would do, to co-fantasizing, which I'm not sure they
would do. Then they have sex, offscreen, just because.
Quote of lol: "'We don’t need any explanations. I’m sure you only admire him for his high shooting percentage.' Raja nodded seriously, 'And you simply want to learn more about his ball handling abilities.'"
Mantastic rating: 6.5/10. funny, in a campy way; poorly formatted and editedMaybe Tomorrow
- Kobe Bryant/Sasha Vujacic - no porn -
In which Sasha has a mancrush on Kobe and Kobe's a smug dick with good intentions. Sounds about right, actually. Sasha less well-characterized. Clearly, there should be porn, but the author's a wuss about it. Second person POV.
Quote of lol: "You told him once you considered him your best friend. Am I your only friend, Sasha?
He smirked. Then, draped an arm around your shoulder, and ruffled your hair. Thanks, man. It means a lot
Mantastic rating: 6.5/10Rules of the Game
- Dirk Nowitzki/Steve Nash - porn and exposition -
Steve gets beaten by San Antonio (doesn't he always?) and is depressed and angry, at length. You know, for a guy that goes around on tandem bikes with Baron Davis, he sure is depressed a lot. At length. Dirk calls him after the game and - hey! - turns out he came to San Antonio for Steve. Then Steve muses, at length, about their relationship. And then - Part II
Quote of lol: "Even Steve’s closest Suns teammates knew that no bond they would ever form would come close to matching the friendship and loyalty he had fused in Dallas with Dirk."
Mantastic rating: 6/10; would have been more if there wasn't endless fucking exposition.Untitled/Raptors fic
- Chris Bosh/Jose Calderon - too short and lame for porn (that's what she said) -
They lose a playoff series. Every one is bummed. Jose thinks about Chris Bosh. Chris hugs him. Cliches are used. Yawn.
Quote of lol: "He tries to tell himself that it's because Chris is such a great ball player and he could really use some pointers from him, but deep down Jose knows that's not it . . ."
Mantastic rating: 4/10Anti-Gravity Love Song
- Matt Barnes/Devin Harris - angry porn -
Devin meets Barnes in Vegas. Names are dropped. Exposition about basketball and the series. Slow build. Barnes buys Devin a girly drink, then some beers, then takes advantage of him. They have hate sex in a hotel room. Is it me, or is this strangely plausible?
Quote of lol: "'Damn. I knew I should have got you a strawberry daiquiri. Or a appletini.'"
Mantastic rating: 8/10Stolen Moments
- One-sided Shaquille O'Neal/Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki/Steve Nash - no porn -
Shaq has an unrequited - thank fucking god - crush on Steve. But DIRK'S THE ONLY MAN FOR STEVE. I MEAN. CLEARLY.
"'Tell Nowitzki hello for me, will you?' His voice was gruff, as if he had to drag the words out from his lips. 'Yeah, I'll do that.' He slung his towel over his shoulder and headed for the showers. He didn't notice Shaq's yearning look focused in his direction."
Mantastic rating: 5.5/10Just Like a Blur
- one-sided Leandro Barbosa/Steve Nash - no porn, just skeeve -
Leandro has a crush on Steve. Like, almost stalkery crush on Steve, including watching youtube videos and copying his clothing. Single White Female. Single Brazilian Male?
Quote of lol: "Leandro's mouth dropped open, staring at Steve's naked back before hurrying towards the showers. He had a date with Steve!"
Mantastic rating: 4/10 for creepinessFinal Moments
- KG, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen - way way too boring for porn -
Nothing story about the Celtics' championship and their glee. Several paragraphs long. Could have been written by Rick Reilly. Be more interesting if it was (considering the same author wrote the above two).
Quote of lol: "Kevin couldn't wait and wandered to where Paul was hugging Ray tight from behind, both of them trying hard not to crack at the face of being this close to becoming World Championships. He wrapped his long arms around them and whispered into their ears. 'We're champions, baby. Champions!'"
Mantastic rating: 3/10 for, yawn, lack of pornMore Than Expected
- LeBron James/Dwyane Wade - about
porn, but too sissy to go there -
Starts out promisingly ("They fuck on Saturday") but devolves immediately into angsty exposition and exposition about angst. They broke the rules by being overly romantic. Really. Get a new idea, fangirls. Maybe Bron just spent the night with Wade because he, I don't know, fell asleep? I think I've thou ght about this too much already.
Quote of lol: "LeBron loves his girlfriend. He doesn’t say it to reassure himself, he says it because it’s true. He really does love her and there is no other woman in the world he’d rather have. All of that is true. The problem is, Dwyane’s not a woman."
Mantastic rating: 5.5/10
I have to stress, here, that the readers of Basketbawful SHOULD NOT go to these sites and flame the writers and owners. Please, please, I beg you, do not send them hatemail. Do not leave anonymous comments about how strange they are. Point and laugh, but don't torment, because that's just a dick move. I repeat:DO NOT TROLL THE FANFICTION WRITERS.
For one thing, it's just cruel, and rude. For another, if you do that, then where are we going to find more fanfiction? They'll hide it and take it down, and the lullz will be lost forever. This is a positive explosion of lolarity. Look, but don't touch, please, I beg you. For all our sakes.
Labels: fan submissions, man love