Shaquille O'neal, who "boasts" a lifetime freethrow shooting percentage of 52, is now 0-for-1...on SWAT raids for Internet child porn.

The Big Aristotle apparently became the Big Frank Drebin last month when he helped a special anti-child porn police unit called the"Blue Ridge Thunder" terrorize a family at gunpoint. Apparently, the not-so-special-after-all unit made a mistake while tracing an IP address and ended up at the wrong home. Afterward, the victim, one A.J. Nuckols, wrote a nasty letter to the editor of his local newspaper. Here is a brief excerpt:
"On Saturday morning, Sept. 23, 2006, many police vehicles appeared in our driveway. Men in black with flak jackets ran to and around our house. Men ran at me, dropped into shooting position, double-handed semi-automatic pistols pointed at me, and made me put my hands against my truck. I was held at gunpoint, searched, taunted, and led into the house. Our home was searched by a para-military search-and-seizure team.Our computers, digital camera, disposable cameras, DVD's, and VHS tapes were seized.We were held in our home under guard for five hours.Our children came home and were also interrogated.It was awful. We were accused of horrible crimes, crimes that even the mention of would ruin our reputations."
Now personally, I've never been menanced by police officers, let alone police officers who were accompanied by a giant man who could kill me with a single, clubbing blow. But it doesn't take a whole lot of imagination to figure out that it would be pretty scary. Then you add the accusations of child pornography on top of it, and it turns into one big day of suckitude for Mr. Nuckols and his family. Even more amazing, the investigation will apparently go on for six to nine months. Fantastic...the fun never ends.

The original article points out that Shaq isn't doesn't just have an honorary badge; he's a fully qualified reserve member of the Blue Ridge Thunder and Internet Crimes Against Children (ICAC) task force, complete with sidearm and license to kill.

And is all that really necessary? Did the Japanese give Godzilla a license to eat Tokyo? Did John give Garfield permission to kick Odie off the table? Did anyone give the living dead the right to eat my fresh, delicious brains? No, no, and no. Some things nature takes care of on its own. Shaq is giant and powerful, and therefore entitled to wreak havok when and where he pleases. Fortunately for us mere mortals, he has chosen to rule the 15x12 foot area referred to as "The Paint" on most basketball courts. Let's keep him there, people. We don't need to give one of the most dangerous men on our planet hunks of metal that fire out smaller hunks of metal at high velocities. That's like giving the Hulk a bag of nukes, or putting poisonous barbs on a grizzly bear.

Keeping Our Kids Safe With Shaq: I never knew how dedicated Shaq was to protecting kids from Internet predators. When he was deputized and made a member of The Blue Ridge Thunder, Shaq had this to say:
"Today's criminals are hiding behind computer screens, fake names and fraudulent identities, all with the intention of exploiting and harming our youth. I'm proud to help the Safe Surfin' Foundation get the word out to parents, kids, and communities about Internet safety and help law enforcement track down and lock up sexual predators."
I'm sure that quote was in no way written by Shaq's publicist, and that it came straight from the heart buried deep within his massive chest cavity, which could probably house a small family of four (who, if they know what's good for them, won't surf for kiddie porn). According to recent studies, four to five child predators have died of fear each day since Shaq was deputized. That's scientific fact. To learn more about Shaq's effort to destroy all child molesters in this universe, visit
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Shaq & Carl Monday have the potential to form an absolutely devastating duo against the forces of indecency everywhere.

Watch where you park next time, Eddie Griffin.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Dang man....ease up on the Big Guy...he's just tryin' to do his part.

Besides, would you rather have him "terrorize" one family, or an entire nation by taking his crime-fighting efforts back to the Big Screen with Sequels of either Steel or Kazaam?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Men in black with flak-a-Shaq?