As we all know, Team USA got embarrassed in an international tournament for the third consecutive time...and everybody thinks they know how to fix the problem: better shooters, smarter coaching, improved defense, longer naps, blahbity blah, blah, blah.

Why are we wasting our time by stating the obvious -- namely that Team USA needs to play better? That's, like, so very duh. Of course they have to play better...that's clearly stated on page one of The Complete Idiot's Guide For How Not To Lose. So instead of just stating the obvious over and over and over and over, I'm going to suggest a series of tangible improvements that could very well put Team USA -- which did, after all, finish a solid third -- over the top.

1. Monkeys: Science may not be able to cure cancer or create a perfect sex clone in the form of Gwen Stefani, but it has statistically proven that monkeys make everything better. I'm very serious. Name one thing that isn't improved the very second you add a monkey to the equation. Okay, maybe it won't help you rescue some whiny bitch from a construction site full of flaming barrels, but other than that...

Donkey Kong
Okay, maybe the "monkey thing" didn't work out that great for Mario.

2. Boston Celtics' mascot Lucky: I propose making Lucky the official mascot of Team USA. Not because I actually like him or anything; I recently referred to Lucky as "the douchiest douche in Doucheonia." No, my hope is that some host nation will view Lucky's very presence as an act of war and destroy him. With extreme fucking prejudice.

Sorry, Lucky. That t-shirt gun is an act of
war. We're gonna have to put you down.

3. Cosmic rays and/or gamma radiation: A bombardment of cosmic rays transformed a group of mild-mannered astronauts into the Fantastic Four. A gamma bomb blast turned a mild-mannered scientist into the Incredible Hulk. Do you see where I'm going with this? If you think Team USA is athletic now, wait until they start leaping miles at a stretch and benchpressing trucks. And if you can't think of at least a hundred ways being able to fly (while on fire!!) or stretching any body part could improve someone's basketball game, you obviously aren't thinking hard enough. Super powers rule, and I'm pretty sure most drug screening kits don't include a Geiger counter.

super basketball
Superpowers would totally bring home the gold. chemotherapy for everybody!

4. Midgets: Midgets are a staple of almost any good movie. Happy Gilmore? Check. Elf? Check. The original Star Wars trilogy had midgets in trashcan-shaped robot suits, little brown robes, and teddybear costumes. They even had a muppet midget! And I think we can all agree that Star Wars made about a bajillion cajillion dollars at the box office. So really, there's no conceivable way adding midgets to Team USA could fail. Really.

Midget basketball
Come on, now. Tell me this isn't awesome.

5. Truthiness: As Stephen Colbert has so wisely pointed out,
Truthiness always succeeds where Truth fails. Sometimes you know things intuitively, instinctively, "from the gut"...regardless of those contradictory, nagging little things like evidence, intellectual examination, or actual facts. I mean, doesn't the idea of American dominance in international basketball just feel right? Of course it does! So forget what the box scores tell you; follow your heart and praise Team USA for bringing home the gold!

Am I really suggesting we adopt a shallow and callous
disregard for the truth? Yes...but only if it feels right.

6. Rubik's Cube: Just think...if every member of Team USA learned how to solve the riddle of Rubik's Cube, there's no limit to what they could accomplish. And even though I totally made that up, you have to figure that a group of guys capable of unravelling one of life's enduring mysteries would at least be able to defend a screen/roll or maybe get a hand in the face of an open shooter. Wouldn't they?

Once you've unlocked the secrets of the universe,
defending the screen/roll should be really easy.

7. Jessica Alba: Do I really need to explain this to you?

Jessica Alba
Oh my dear, sweet almighty lord.
Anonymous Anonymous said...
Any time you can mix midgets, Jessica Alba, the Rubiks Cube, Donkey Kong and Douchebag in one post... you have a winner!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I dunno...opponents would be even less likely to "foul" Dwyane Wade if he actually was the Flash, and on fire...

But think if Dwight Howard could stretch his arms even longer, coupled with the fact that he's ALREADY chiseled out of stone...I can't imagine his putbacks being even sicker.

Mm. Jessica Alba makes EVERYTHING better.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous Angie said...
I am a great fan of Star Wars movies. These movies are very interesting and entertaining. The original Star Wars trilogy had midgets in
trashcan-shaped robot suits, little brown robes, and teddy bear costumes.