Last night in Chicago, the Bulls managed to beat the Pistons 99 – 91, a critical win that keeps them well positioned in the middle of the race for a 7th or 8th seed playoff berth in the East. Playing in place of injured Derrick Rose (wrist), Kirk Hinrich played almost 46 minutes, went 10 for 23, scored 24 points, and was just all around scrappy and solid…and was booed by his hometown crowd. Why? Because at the end of the game, he missed a free throw that would have given the Bulls 100 points, which is the magic number of points required (assuming the Bulls win) for the fans to cash in on McDonald’s “free Big Mac” promotion.

Fan ignorance and classlessness aside (It’s shameful that Kirk actually had to say “Sorry everyone” to booing fans at the conclusion of his post-game interview), I wanted to know if there was even a reason to boo – i.e., how strictly do participating companies adhere to their Bulls promotions?

Promotion test #1:
Dunkin' Donuts Race

The Contest Premise: A drunken dunut, a strung-out bagel, and a hopped-up cup of coffee race around a track on the UC Jumbotron. If the food/drink item singled out on your card wins the race, you can get a free whatever-it-is.



Test: Go to a Dunkin' Donuts with my doughnut Card (because I like doughnuts) and see if I can get a free doughnut... even though the bagel won the race.

Result: I went to a Dunkin' Donuts near my office and nervously handed the woman behind the counter my card. She looked at the card and said “Free doughnut?” and I nodded. This appeared to be the extent of DD’s crack security measures. The woman proceeded to toss the card into the garbage and hand me a free doughnut.

Ashamed of myself, I considered revealing to the woman that the doughnut hadn’t even won the race, but did not want to spend a night in jail…or have my free doughnut taken back, for that matter. Incidentally, I had a French Cruller, and it was, as always, awesome.

Conclusion: Cheer all you want for your food item at the Bulls game, but don’t fret if it loses. Every card is a winner.

Promotion #2:
The Hinkley Springs Truck Race

The Contest Premise: Three boring, nondescript water trucks (cleverly titled “1,” “2,” and “3”) race around a track. If the truck number on your card wins, you get a free bottle of water, which you can redeem at...I have no idea where.

Test: None. It’s water. Who the f*ck cares? If you've ever actually redeemed a single-serving bottle of water after a Bulls game, you're officially a douchebag. Just because a bottled water costs 8 bucks at the United Center doesn’t mean it’s valuable. Bottled water is an environment killer, a waste of hard-earned money, and last I checked, the same stuff comes out of taps everywhere in the Chicagoland area.

Conclusion: Bottled water does not lend itself to contests - unless you're giving away money. Hinkley Springs has apparently realized how dumb the free water is, and is now trying to redeem itself by giving a couple of fans a shot at a million dollars. Truck races: derivative and dumb. Giving some fans a chance at real money: much better.

Promotion #3:
Score Big. McDonald's Big Mac Promo.

The Contest Premise: If the Chicago Bulls score 100 points and win at home, the cardholder has 48 hours to go to McDonald's to receive a free Big Mac.



Caveat: By the time I figured out I wanted to test this promotion, my Big Mac Bulls card was well over four months old. Still, I wanted to see just how closely employees would scrutinize the card.

Test: See if McDonald’s will accept a four-month-old card from a game in which the Bulls did not score 100 points.

Result: The little Hispanic woman at the register looked at my card, then handed it to the Hispanic lady at the register next to her, who passed it to a third. Then they all looked at me and said “ocho, ocho,” which translates loosely into “This card is from 2008, you moron.” There’s nothing quite as humiliating as getting “Are you an idiot?” looks from a bunch of McDonald’s employees. So in the end, my test was compromised by the outdated card. Dammit.

Realizing that even if my card had been less than 48-hours old, it would not mean too much if it were accepted at a single McDonald's location, I decided the best thing to do would be to discuss the issue with a McDonald’s manager. Here’s my best recollection of the interview:

Evil Ted (producing 4-month-old Big Mac card): “You’ve seen these, right?”
McDonald’s Manager: “Yes.”
ET: “Now, Kirk Hinrich was booed last night because-”
MDM: “Huh, who?”
ET: “Forget it. Let me ask you this, do you know whether the Bulls scored 100 points last night?”
MDM: “Yes.”
ET: “And how do you know?”
MDM: “We get a call.”
ET: “And do you tell the employees working the register whether to accept these cards?”
MDM: “I tell them whether the promotion is effective, yes.”
ET: “So you won’t accept an invalid card?”
MDM: “If it’s one person, I might let them get one. If it’s the difference between a happy customer and an angry customer, I’d prefer a happy one, and probably give the Big Mac. If there were twenty people looking to abuse the contest, then I would have to reconsider. In the end, a Big Mac is not really a big deal to McDonald's.”

I then proceeded to ask if he would accept a four-month old card, to which he looked nervous. I laughed and said "fuhgetabout it." I figured I already got a Big Mac's worth of info out of him.

Conclusion: If you are not a rude, classless jerkweed, there are pretty good odds you will come across a McDonald’s manager willing to give up a sandwich for the sake of a happy customer.

Sub-conclusion: If you booed Kirk Hinrich despite his solid performance leading the Bulls to a critical victory, there are pretty good odds that you are, in fact, a rude, classless jerkweed, so the initial conclusion is therefore invalid, just like the Big Mac hard you’re holding.

And now for a:
Completely-unrelated-item-made-to-seem-related-to-the-subject-at-hand...

Speaking of promotions, ER is about to go off the air this month, and as the show concludes its 15 season run, NBC is pulling out all the promotional stops to perfume over the rotting corpse stench of a show that stayed around far, far too long.

Enjoy the latest Evil Ted video creation, with some nice baritone-pipes narration work from Basketbawful. If you have a problem clicking below (funnyordie.com embeded vids can be quirky), click here.

ER: The Final Season Promo - watch more funny videos

Labels: Big Mac, Chicago Bulls, Dunkin Donuts, ER, Hinkley Springs, promotions

The Bulls pounded the Knicks 98-69 last night, strengthening their hold on the second seed in the Eastern Conference playoff race and helping to ensure that New York will remain a lottery team (which is important since the Bulls get to swap draft picks with the Knicks as part of Eddy Curry trade). The Knicks, of course, got all pissy after the game, but not because their pride was hurt by the 29-point loss, the near-destruction of their waning playoff hopes, the probable loss of their lottery pick, or the fact that they just flat-out suck. They were upset that the Bulls were trying to feed their fans.

Like many teams, the Bulls run countless promotions, using sexy cheerleaders, hilarious fat guys, and dancing old people to shill t-shirts, drink cups, bobbleheads, and even Chicago Bulls-themed drinking water. One of their many game-night promotions is free food any time the team reaches 100 points (redeemed by presenting the game ticket). Sometimes it's a burrito from Taco Bell, sometimes it's a personal pizza from Pizza Hut. Last night, fans would have recieved a free McDonald's Big Mac (with a side of clogged artery) if the Bulls reached the century mark.

Mind you, the Bulls scored their 98th point with almost two minutes left in the game. They then took four more shots, one of which was a tip-in attempt of a missed shot. Considering the fact that there's a 24-second shot clock, basic math tells me that they probably would have put up three or four shots even if the additional two points wouldn't have rewarded their fanbase with a delightfully fat-filled mega-sandwich. But of course the Knicks felt that the Bulls were trying to run up the score, which, naturally, showed a lack of respect.

Steve Francis, a model citizen who had decided to pull the plug on the season until an injury to a teammate ensured him more playing time, was one of a group of Knicks shouting at the Bulls on the way to the team locker rooms. Said Francis: "I've been in the league long enough; I know when teams are trying to run up the score. I don't respect nobody trying to do that to my younger players."

Jerome James, who in the summer of 2005 signed a 5-year, $29-million contract with the Knicks and then promptly began to suck, was one of the aggrieved parties and actually had to be restrained by teammates. James apparently was going after the Bulls' Tyrus Thomas, who aggressively defended a Nate Robinson layup attempt in the closing seconds. When asked about it after the game, James pulled out the Kobe Bryant "I don't know this kid" defense. Said James: "Oh, the little jumpy kid? No, I don't even know him." What? You didn't know James played for the Knicks? Well, it's true. Go check the box score. He's the guy near the bottom with the "DNP - Coach's Decision" next to his name.

For the record, Nate Robinson, who's involvement in the infamous Knicks-Nuggets Brawl is well-documented, also participated in the verbal sparring. That fight, by the way, erupted because the Nuggets were still playing some of their starters while ahead 19 points with a couple minutes to go. And, like last night, the Knicks played the Lack Of Respect card as a means of justifying their behavior.

But honestly, what should the Bulls have done? Stopped shooting and just let the shot clock expire? They weren't playing their starters. The Bulls' reserves were in the game, and reserves don't get a chance to play all that often. Can you really blame them for taking shots? Especially when your fans are cheering you on? You'll also notice that the Knicks were still trying to score right down to the wire. But I guess that's okay when you're down 30, and wrong when you're up 30. I guess the Bulls didn't get that memo.

The bottom line is this: the real problem is that the Knicks suck. So my message to the Knicks is that, if you don't like getting blown out by 20 or 30 points every night, just stop sucking. Until then, take your beating like the group of fat, lazy, malcontent men that you are.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Jerome James, Nate Robinson, New York Knicks, promotions, Steve Francis