How good a pickup baller are you really? The answer may notbe obvious. It'll be even less obvious after you read this.
Since Basketbawful's tank is on Empty today (waiting for the season to start can be so very maddening), he asked me to expound on the pick-up basketball equations I introduced on Friday.

It's all very simple. You can't fudge physics or math, so just pay attention to these hard, fast rules and you too will be able dominate -- or at least understand why you're not dominating -- your next pick-up basketball game.

Basically, an average player in this system has a value of 1 and an everage team a value of 5.
A perfectly average team in this system is thus:

Team 1
1 + 1 + 1 + 1 +1 = 5

However, not all teams that equal 5 are treated equally:

Team 2
.6 + .6 + .8 + 1.5 + 1.5 = 5

This team equals 5, but it could be better, or it could be worse than Team 1. Specifically:

A. Will the .6's be able to distribute the ball to 1.5's?

B. Will their opponents play help defense and ultimately negate the 1.5's, who, for lack of a better offensive option, will have to attempt a bad shot in the face of a double team?

C. Are the 1.5's ball-handlers? If so, they can more easily minimize the number of times the .6's get the rock.

Result: Uncertain.

We must now consider other factors, such as the condition of the court. A badly swept court, which does not allow more talented players to make quick moves to the basket, may lower the quality of play more for better players. Now Team 2 above looks as follows:

.5 + .5 + .7 +1.1 + 1.1 = 3.9

Meanwhile, Team 1, comprised of average players who are equally affected by the poor conditions, looks like this:

.9 + .9 + .9 + .9 +.9 = 4.5

Result: Team 1 wins.

Now, playing outside can involve:

1. An uneven court, where (c) equals the number of cracks in the pavement

2. Wind, where (w) equals the wind gust mph and (z) equals wind shear.

3. Sunlight, where (s) equals the brightness of the sun as compared to (L) it's location in the sky as it relates to the backboard.

4. Distractions, where (B) equals the quality of babes watching from the sidelines.

The following equation should be self-explanatory:

3.9 - (c) * (w + z/2) / (s + L + B) = 4.5 - (c) - *(w + z/2) / (s + L + B)

Result: Obvious.

Also factor in the mental state of the players (m). For example, did Mr. 1.5 just have a fight with his wife? Did he lose his job? Are his kids driving him up a wall? This circumstance halves his ability in most cases:

1.5/2m = .75

Occasionally, however, a player uses pickup basketball as a glorious escape from the torture of his sorry life. This can actually improve his play marginally:

1.5 * m * kids' grade-point average / volume of wife's voice + (monthly salary - monthly mortgage payment) /result of on-the-side girlfriend's pregnancy test = 1.6

And, of course, even the best player can use bad judgement and have too much to eat for dinner (D) before basketball (Hey, I like lasagna. Sue me.), which can of course, adversely affect his speed and emotional state (yes, your emotions also take a hit when you constantly feel like you're going to vomit).

The equation that takes all of these factors into account is simple. Note that lesser players are not as adversely affected, because they already kinda suck:

((1.5/(D+m)) + (1.5/(D+m)) + (.8/(D+m-.75)) + (.6/(D+m-1)) + (.6/(D+m-1)))

And if they are playing outside:

((1.5/(D+m)) + (1.5/(D+m)) + (.8/(D+m-.75)) + (.6/(D+m-1)) + (.6/(D+m-1))) - (c) * (w + z/2) / (s + L +B)

Well, there you have it. Simple math. I hope I have managed to strip the essence of basketball down to its...uhm...essence...in a way that even Red Auerbach, the master of simplicity, never could.

Labels: basketball, math, simple

Basketbawful reader AK Dave sent me the following verbal discharge from Agent Zero's latest blog entry regarding his recent trip to Berlin:

"One night we went to dinner at a nice restaurant and we didn't have cash and it ended up being a cash-only place. (I've never heard of that before.) So we only had a credit card and we ate probably 90 euros worth of food -- which is probably $140 American since Bush done messed up the economy -- and they gave us the meal for free. It's kind of funny, Bush. We can't even go to Europe and be big ballers any more. They come to the U.S. and feel like kings now. Gas out there for us is nine dollars a gallon, I did the math and everything."

Wow. He did the math and everything. Beware, people of Earth. Gilbert could very well end up killing us all with his matchless arithmetical powers. At this rate, I bet it would only take him a few hours of intense and focused concentration to add fractions, or maybe complete a multiplication table.

I started to feel kind of bad for him, being unable to go to Europe and be a "big baller" and everything, until I did a little math of my own. His new $111 million contract -- based on the current exchange rate -- is worth almost 70 million Euros. If you can't be a big baller for that kind of coin, what the hell are you buying over there? Entire countries of little people who can power your home by running on hamster wheels? I'm half expecting to hear that Gilbert is the new owner of Estonia (which, according to Wikipedia, has large reserves of rock).

Labels: Gilbert Arenas, math, world travel