Hey Basketbawful readers. I'm not normally a draft guy, depite having watched both the lottery and drafts annually for many years now. However, due to the projections of this year's draft lottery (and probably the entire thing) being the most historically bad since that 2000 draft poo poo platter, and the rumors swirling that the Suns could be entering Jimmer Time Era, I decided to dabble in some extra research.

And thusly I present the Bawsketbawful Informational Post and Discussion Arena for the 2011 NBA Draft (presented by Kia), followed by my bawful predictions of the lottery assuming all GMs are too ball-less to actually pull off a useful trade. Since you can read any number of mock drafts on the Internet, I've decided to try and include one YouTube video of note on each player (and as such, I will be stealing occasionally from Mike Schmitz at Valley of the Suns). Finally, since the Internet Never Forgets, and declaring the whole ceiling/floor thing is such a crapshoot, I present my Sigma+ and Sigma- player comparisons. Meaning, my one standard deviation prediction for each player in the NBA. Brilliant cop-out, I know, right?

2011 NBA Draft (PRESENTED BY KIA (seriously, buy an Optima (you know you want it)))

When and Where:
7pm EST, ESPN and ESPN3, Newark, N.J., not NBATV.

Green Room:
Chad Ford announced the 15 "green room" invitees, which includes a pity invite to tag-along twin Markief Morris.

Biased Draft Lottery Predictions:

1 Cleveland Cavaliers (from Los Angeles Clippers)
will select
Derrick Williams, SF/PF
20 years old; 6-9, 250
Arizona, sophomore
Why: To put it simply, for the lulz. Not only does this set them up with more flexibility in the 4th pick, but it puts Minnesota on the spot for hilarity. Also, he atleast doesn't have the injury question like Irving does. While Cleveland could use and upgrade at everything, I hold the minority opinion that they actually should take Williams here, and that their consideration wasn't just rumors to dick around with Minnesota's trade partners. Of course this pick has a trickle-down effect on my entire lottery section, so I'm betting big on this.
YouTube highlight: Derrick Williams on Sport Science, apparently trying really hard to show his intent to play SF
Sigma+: David West with a 3 ball
Sigma-: Michael Beasley

2 Minnesota Timberwolves
will select
Kyrie Irving, PG
19 years old; 6-3, 190
Duke, freshman
Why: Because Dan Gilbert needs to be an asshole. And hey, has anyone ever made a joke about Minnesota drafting PGs? On the downside, it may be difficult to play baritone in the cold northern weather.
YouTube highlight: Any assortment of Dukies putting together highlight videos from his 8 freaking college games.
Sigma+: Chris Paul
Sigma-: Shawn Livingston (complete with freak injury to ruin his career)

3 Utah Jazz (from New Jersey Nets)
will select
Brandon Knight, PG/SG
19 years old; 6-3, 180
Kentucky, freshman
Why: Because even Utah's not dumb enough to take Jimmer this high. And I don't think Enes Kanter is white enough.
YouTube highlight: Brandon Knight seemingly leading the forces of Rohan against Mordor
Sigma+: Gilbert Arenas
Sigma-: Ramon Sessions

4 Cleveland Cavaliers
will select
Kemba Walker, PG
21 years old; 6-3, 185
Connecticut, junior
Why: Because as great as former All-Stars Baron Davis and Mo Williams are, I think Cleveland has to walk away from this draft with a PG upgrade. Also, compared to New York, he will absolutely hate Cleveland.
YouTube highlight: Eh, Brooklyn, Bronx, same stuff whatever.
Sigma+: John Wall (including kinda looking like him)
Sigma-: Ben Gordon (post-Detroit signing)

5 Toronto Raptors
will select
Enes Kanter, C
19 years old; 6-11, 260
Kentucky (but not actually); Turkey
Why: If you're not rooting for the Bargs/Kanter match made in heaven, you're not a Basketbawful fan.
YouTube highlight: Nike Hoop Summit highlights from goddamn 14 months ago, his last actual game.
Sigma+: Joakim Noah
Sigma-: Greg Ostertag

6 Washington Wizards
will select
Jan Vesely, SF
21 years old; 6-11, 240
KK Partizan Belgrade (Serbia); Czech Republic
Why: Because that's just what the Wizards need: another high athleticism big man who has questionable basketball IQ and can't actually make shots other than dunks.
YouTube highlight: Who else can pull of a mixtape that opens with the Power Rangers song?
Sigma+: Czech Shawn Marion
Sigma-: Shannon Brown (actually, including questionable pull-up 3's, this is more like a Sigma neutral prediction)

7 Sacramento Kings
will select
Kawhi Leonard, SF
19 years old; 6-7, 225
San Diego State, Sophomore
Why: Supposedly it's down to Kemba or Kawhi here, unless they pull the shocker and draft Jimmer to play alongside Tyreke Evans and DeMarcus Cousins. I find this the more hilarious situation than Utah drafting him, but alas, he will make a fine backup to Omri Casspi.
YouTube highlight: I'll let his words speak for himself from this DraftExpress interview. Side note: this might be the most saturated lottery of players ever who have no idea what position they can play.
Sigma+: Gerald Wallace
Sigma-: Antoine Wright

8 Detroit Pistons
will select
Jonas Valanciunas, C
19 years old; 6-11, 240
Lietuvos Rytas (Lithuania)
Why: Looks like he can't get bought out, so he'll be able to play next year at best. Still wondering why this is the crappiest draft in years? Of course there's a high chance Toronto will be drafting him for another dream combo with Bargs.
YouTube highlight: "All i see is a lot of wide open dunks and dunks over guys a foot shorter than him". Good work, random YouTube commenter.
Sigma+: Angry Darko
Sigma-: Skinny Darko (seriously though, HoopsHype has his comparison as Nenad Kristic. Yea.)

9 Charlotte Bobcats
will select
Klay Thompson SG/SF
21 years old; 6-7, 205
Washington State, junior
Why:So we're definitely deep in crap-shoot territory now. Something tells me MJ's UNC roots will inexplicably not allow himself to draft a Jayhawk, so
YouTube highlight: Schmitz at VotS provides the overview. He seems well spoken enough.
Sigma+: Rashard Lewis (pre-albatross contract)
Sigma-: Larry Hughes

10 Milwaukee Bucks
will select
Marcus Morris PF(75%)/SF(25%)
21 years old; 6-9, 230
Kansas, Junior
Why: Uh, have you seen the contracts the Bucks are now lugging around? If you had to start somewhere, I'd start with replacing Drew Gooden with "a bit of a tweener", whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.
YouTube highlight: Schmitz again at VotS. I really like the song used, therefore, I hope he does well in the NBA.
Sigma+: Rudy Gay
Sigma-: Josh Childress

11 Golden State Warriors
will select
Bismack Biyombo, PF/C
18 years old; 6-9, 240
Baloncesto Fuenlabrada (Spain); Congo
Why:As much as I wanted to put Klay Thompson here, wondering if Golden State games will be played with 2 balls, I couldn't resist the Warriors Center Dice Roll 2.0. Besides, with Monta, Curry, Dorrell, and David, who needs a center that can score?
YouTube highlight: Schmitz did and excellent job mixing this together, including now infamous clips of his Europe workout session in the "weaknesses" section at the end.
Sigma+: Dikembe Mutumbo
Sigma-: Ekpe Udoh

12 Utah Jazz
will select
Jimmer Fredette, PG/SG/32-ft-shot-specialist
22 years old; 6-2, 195
BYU, Senior
Why: Come on. I mean, seriously, come on.
YouTube highlight: No mormon sex tape could be found, however Schmitz again with additional info on the Suns's interest.
Sigma+: J.J. Redick (or other combo guard with no defense)
Sigma-: Gordon Hayward (minus StarCraft II livestreams)

13 Phoenix Suns
will select
Tristan Thompson, PF
20 years old; 6-9, 230
Texas, freshman
Why: If the Suns honestly draft one more SF...
YouTube highlight: As Schmitz puts it, "the Suns' dream scenaro".
Sigma+: Josh Smith
Sigma-: Hakim Warrick

14 Houston Rockets
will select
Chris Singleton, SF/PF
21 years old; 6-9, 230
Florida State, Junior
Why: Who the heck knows at this point. While I personally think they should get Marshon Brooks or Jordan Hamilton to backup/replace Kevin Martin's inevitable injury, the Rockets seem weakest at SF, and I don't think there's even an upside C anywhere close at this spot.
YouTube highlight: Unintentionally hilarious interview with the Golden State Warriors, but I'm pretty sure he does not have enough Grown Man Moves to satisfy their new head coach.
Sigma+: 38 year old Grant Hill
Sigma-: Luc Richard Mbah a Moute

- AnacondaHL

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Blogger Will said...
I watched a few Florida State games last year and Chris Singleton is the one who should have the J-Smooth Sigma+.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Yea, Tristan Thompson's Sigma++ is probably Amar''''''e and Singleton is Josh Smith, but I left off any comparison to him purely out of spite.

Anonymous Hi said...
"Because as great as former All-Stars Baron Davis and Mo Williams are,"

You didn't think this through, did you?

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Hi - Quite the opposite, I've been holding onto that joke for months.

Anonymous Jon L. said...
There is no way that Irving does not go number 1. Williams is like Hickson for Cleveland. Hickson is the best player that the Cavs have and Irving will go to Cleveland. They need to get rid of Baron Davis because he is not a good influence on any player around.

Anonymous Czernobog said...
@AnacondaHL: It was worth it. I had a pleasant guffaw at that line.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Oh man, here's a great recap of the Kyrie Irving vs Miss Hawaii battle. Leaked video allegedly to come tonight, herp derp.

Anonymous Stockton said...
How can you insult the draft that gaves us the Voshkul???

Anonymous AK Dave said...
Agree with Stockton. The '00 draft gave us Voskuhl, DeShawn Stevenson ( Hey Lebron: how's my Dirk taste?), Mark Madsen, Brian Cardinal, and some guy named "Josip". Sounds like an epic draft class of awesomeness to me!

Seriously though. Stromile Swift was considered the second best player that year. Barf.

@AnacondaHL: Gordon Hayward does SCII livestreams??? Have his jersey sales erupted in Korea yet? I'm guessing he's a Zerg guy.

Blogger chris said...

Anonymous cantf33lmyface said...
great post man this is a classic

Anonymous Panki said...
Dear sir, how can you call the 2000 NBA draft a "poo poo platter" when not two weeks ago three of those draftees played key roles in NBA finals (2 in winning, 1 in bricking 3s) and one more was a premium bench warmer and towel waiver.
It surely is harsh and unfair judgement!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I love how it says in the Marcus Morris video "compared himself to Paul Pierce and Carmelo Anthony" under weaknesses.

Blogger DieblerFever said...
As a Blazer fan, I'm so pleased that that we no longer have guys like Kevin Pritchard and Rich Cho running our team.

Anonymous nba jerseys said...
How can you insult the draft that gaves us the Voshkul???