I keep glancing over at the calendar on my cubicle wall while at work, and I keep looking at the date on my phone the rest of the time. We're getting so close to the start of the NBA season, even if it feels like a million years from now (which is, coincidentally, the same timeframe as when we can expect the Clippers to return to the playoffs).
Kevin Durant just picked up Team USA on his back and carried them to a FIBA world championship (America, fuck yeah!). Aside from further ripping the hearts out of Seattle basketball fans and leaving Portland fans cursing Greg Oden's name, that means we're left without any actual basketball activity for a few weeks. So what is there to do with that downtime??? The same thing we do every year -- make horrible predictions!
Nearly every sportswriter in the country will dish out their mindless prognostications about the upcoming season in the next few weeks, so why don't we beat them to the punch? Besides, who cares about making simple predictions like who will win the championship? I know you guys can do better than that. There are more bawful things to consider, like who will be the first player to get busted for possession this season? How many crab dribbles will LeBron get away with in the first month of the season? Post your thoughts in the comments. I'm sure it will be fun to look back at them after the season's done!
Sorry if you were going to predict that the Minnesota Timberwolves will take out a full page ad in the back of the newspaper to inform their fans that the team will suck again this year -- you're too late. This already happened. (And since I got the link to that article from a Simmons tweet, I feel I must include this: KAAAHHHNNN!!!)
Also, another potential prediction of "When Shaq will do something so crazy that it seems Artestian" has been ruined. Shaq got a nice little head-start on us by bringing the crazy even before I could finish writing this post. According to a lawsuit, The Big Defendent misunderstood the phrase Hack-a-Shaq, and is therefore being accused of computer hacking, destroying evidence and attempting to frame an employee by planting child pornography on his computer.
You'll need to read the article to get a full appreciation for how amazing this is, but I'll give you a brief rundown: Shawn Darling, who worked as Shaq's personal IT guy a few years ago, basically accuses Shaq of doing lots of illegal activities trying to cover up a myriad of affairs. These activities include hacking into voicemails, changing phone passwords, throwing a PC with evidence on it into a lake, illegally obtaining restricted info on mistresses through people he knows in law enforcement, and finally this gem: "At that point, Darling claims Shaq sent him threatening messages, tried to break into his voicemail and enlisted the help of an active Arizona detective to master a computer program that would allegedly allow him to frame Darling for possession of child pornography so that Shaq could confiscate the computer holding evidence of his affair with Lopez."
So getting back to my previous point before being interrupted by so much bawful... we'd love to hear your predictions for this season. Head to the comments section and have fun!
Kevin Durant just picked up Team USA on his back and carried them to a FIBA world championship (America, fuck yeah!). Aside from further ripping the hearts out of Seattle basketball fans and leaving Portland fans cursing Greg Oden's name, that means we're left without any actual basketball activity for a few weeks. So what is there to do with that downtime??? The same thing we do every year -- make horrible predictions!
Nearly every sportswriter in the country will dish out their mindless prognostications about the upcoming season in the next few weeks, so why don't we beat them to the punch? Besides, who cares about making simple predictions like who will win the championship? I know you guys can do better than that. There are more bawful things to consider, like who will be the first player to get busted for possession this season? How many crab dribbles will LeBron get away with in the first month of the season? Post your thoughts in the comments. I'm sure it will be fun to look back at them after the season's done!
Sorry if you were going to predict that the Minnesota Timberwolves will take out a full page ad in the back of the newspaper to inform their fans that the team will suck again this year -- you're too late. This already happened. (And since I got the link to that article from a Simmons tweet, I feel I must include this: KAAAHHHNNN!!!)
Also, another potential prediction of "When Shaq will do something so crazy that it seems Artestian" has been ruined. Shaq got a nice little head-start on us by bringing the crazy even before I could finish writing this post. According to a lawsuit, The Big Defendent misunderstood the phrase Hack-a-Shaq, and is therefore being accused of computer hacking, destroying evidence and attempting to frame an employee by planting child pornography on his computer.
You'll need to read the article to get a full appreciation for how amazing this is, but I'll give you a brief rundown: Shawn Darling, who worked as Shaq's personal IT guy a few years ago, basically accuses Shaq of doing lots of illegal activities trying to cover up a myriad of affairs. These activities include hacking into voicemails, changing phone passwords, throwing a PC with evidence on it into a lake, illegally obtaining restricted info on mistresses through people he knows in law enforcement, and finally this gem: "At that point, Darling claims Shaq sent him threatening messages, tried to break into his voicemail and enlisted the help of an active Arizona detective to master a computer program that would allegedly allow him to frame Darling for possession of child pornography so that Shaq could confiscate the computer holding evidence of his affair with Lopez."
So getting back to my previous point before being interrupted by so much bawful... we'd love to hear your predictions for this season. Head to the comments section and have fun!
Labels: David Kahn, Minnesota Timberwolves, predictions gone horribly wrong, Shaq, so crazy it cannot be measured by modern science
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A triple-double what? A third trade somehow involving him and Mark Blount? (Just look at how horrifically bawful these two trades were: 2006, Ricky Davis, Mark Blount, Marcus Banks, Justin Reed, and two second round draft picks for Wally Szczerbiak, Michael Olowokandi, Dwayne Jones and a first round draft pick. Holy crap. Then in 2007, Davis and Blount traded for Antoine Walker, Michael Doleac, Wayne Simien and a first-round draft pick.)
Chris Bosh's many YouTube videos will be more memorable than his on-court performance.
Tony Parker will be traded.
STATue will not play the full 82 games.
-Adam Morrison wins another ring...with the Celtics (http://greenstreet.weei.com/sports/boston/basketball/celtics/2010/09/15/report-cs-work-out-adam-morrison-plan-to-hire-roy-rogers/)
Lebron James leads the league in steals (sadly, 90% of those steals are from Wade's hands).
Carlos Boozer gets posterized in his return to SLC by Millsap AND Jefferson, before leaving the game with flu-like symptoms.
Knicks and Hornets are called "teams of the future"
Analysts say, altough finishing bottom of west, Clippers are on "the right track".
KG destroys Bosh in playoffs.
Vince Carter grows some balls!
Jazz make the finals, Okur gets injured after Gasol's cheap shot, following the sign of Greg Ostertag, who dominates the finals with a 20-10 average.
(......................)
... in arrests per team!
Within 2 weeks of that, he complains that "I'm a playmaker, I make plays. But without the ball, I can't make plays. Draw your own conclusions."
2) Dominic McGuire will lead the league in Lacktion Report appearances. He'll get a lot of chances, and he'll blow a few of them by producing.
3) At least one of Miami's "big three" will show up on a TMZ-like site for either a traffic violation or a series of bawful party photos.
4) Yao Ming will play very well... for about 40 games. None of them will be in the playoffs.
5) At least once during the season, Michael Jordan will be caught on camera swearing at or about LeBron.
6) We'll get at least one "I can't believe the NBA don't want a franchise player with my scoring abilities" rant out of Allen Iverson from China.
wv: troff. Everything I'm saying to you is the honest troff.
> cavaliers win 41 games, sneak in as the 8th seed.
Why not, who else in the east could move up to take that spot?
It won't be a player, it'll be Paul Westphal. He'll get busted because of his medical marijuana. He needs it "because of the massive headaches I get from coaching DeMarcus Cousins and Tyreke Evans."
"How many crab dribbles will LeBron get away with in the first month of the season?"
I can't count that high.
2. Yao will get hurt in Mi March and the Rockets will get Kevin Love in exchange for Kevin Martin.
3. The clippers will not be relevant.
Oh wait.
-Mario West will lead the league in Marios (on Atlanta of all teams).
www.nbadiehards.blogspot.com
- -
JUSTIN
-Tiago Splitter is revealed for what he really is: Soft on the outside, mushy on the inside.
-Tim Duncan and Kevin Garnett continue to age in dog years, are massively overpaid for their diminishing output.
-Rashard Lewis lives up to his Koncak. *snicker*
-Michael "The Zombie" Finley applies for unemployment.
-Greg Oden is killed by a mob of angry Oregonians, led by former GM Steve Patterson and owner Paul Allen. No charges are filed.
-After his death, Greg Odens true age is revealed to be 55.
-Jerry Buss again donates an incredible sum of money to the league disguised as a luxury tax.
-The league operates at a 100 million dollar loss for the year.
-The Thunder will lead the league in players who remind us of Greg Ostertag.
Eastern Conference (lastrank) W L
Miami Heat* (5) C 66 16
Chicago Bulls* (8) C 58 24
Orlando Magic* (2) C 54 28
Boston Celtics* (4) C 49 33
Atlanta Hawks* (3) C 49 33
Milwaukee Bucks* (6) C 48 34
Charlotte Bobcats* (7) C 45 37
Cleveland Cavaliers* (1) C 40 42
------
New York Knickerbockers (11) C 39 43
New Jersey Nets (15) C 28 54
Toronto Raptors (9) C 27 55
Washington Wizards (14) C 24 58
Indiana Pacers (10) C 23 59
Detroit Pistons (12) C 21 61
Philadelphia 76ers (12) C 19 63
Western Conference (lastrank) W L
Los Angeles Lakers* (1) C 59 23
Oklahoma City Thunder* (6) C 53 29
Portland Trail Blazers* (6) C 51 31
Dallas Mavericks* (2) C 51 31
Phoenix Suns* (3) C 50 32
Houston Rockets (9) C 49 33
Utah Jazz* (4) C 48 34
San Antonio Spurs* (6) C 48 34
------
Memphis Grizzlies (10) C 47 35
Denver Nuggets* (4) C 46 36
New Orleans Hornets (11) C 39 43
Golden State Warriors (13) C 33 49
Los Angeles Clippers (12) C 23 59
Sacramento Kings (14) C 23 59
Minnesota Timberwolves (15) C 20 62
Obviously I forced these rankings such that Cleveland plays Miami round 1, Phoenix somehow revives Hedo, and Oden's penis doesn't injure the entire Portland frontcourt.
Anyway... my bawful prediction - Despite their formidable line up, Heat won't be a 70-win or a championship team and Spoelstra will get all the blame. Naturally, Riley will take over. If this doesn't happen this season, it'll happen by the next season.
-The Clippers and Pacers become eight-seeded teams. (controversial!)
-Bobcats finish worse than the Nyets.
Less likely, but plausible:
-Shaq will go all Jack Nicholson in "The Departed" and rule Boston with his criminal and law enforcement connections.
-Shaq and Ray Allen will star in "He Got Game 2: Jesus vs. Shazaam!" Promo material here: http://mypartyshirt.com/jesus-shuttlesworth-jersey
Still don't know if they are serious!
http://www.nba.com/2010/news/features/shaun_powell/09/14/crazy.predictions/index.html?ls=iref:nbahpt1
That being said, I just read through their article. "Greg Oden plays all 82" HAHAHAHA, oh man, I haven't laughed like that in years. Well done, Shaun Powell. The only thing that would have been better is if he included Yao Ming in that prediction.
2. Miami-Dade County Sheriff's department presses charges against Stan Van Gundy for allegedly having sex with 3 different 17 yr. olds while coaching the Heat back in 2005.
During the interrogation process SVG is quoted saying. "Why did I never do what Pat Riley does?! I should've just thrown some money at those girls and save me all this trouble.
3. With Griffin done for the season the Clippers go to "Plan B". Which is... bringing Elton Brand back to L.A.
The Cavaliers go on a three week run in which they win most of their games. A chorus of "who needs LeBron" follows, after which Cleveland loses its next six games.
Aaron Brooks is traded to a crappy team and starts putting up Monta Ellis numbers.
Anthony Randolph starts to cash in on his potential as an all-world defender under the tutelage of Mike D'Antoni. At the same time, Raymond Felton and Toney Douglas regress. Value of coaching questioned for the umpteenth time.
And is having Denver miss the playoffs based on the assumption they will trade Melo?
Yao will hit his 3rd career 3 pointer at some point this season
Shaq clogs Rondo's lane. KG barks at opposing PFs with his 11 point 7 rebound average
Durant will maintain his Mr. Perfect good guy team leader super scorer status....for now
The clippers MAKE THE PLAYOFFS (surely he's mad!)
Knee-Mac complains about minutes
Joel Anthony leads the league in blocks....and dropped passes
- Knee mac will not play after allstar break, either injured or crying over minutes
- Zach Randolph is who we thought he was.
- Kobe's continues to decline athletically
- Bosh complains about touches as soon as miami starts losing
- Artest, now that he has a ring, will have trouble containing his crazy side
-The bulls will disappoint
Wait, that was this season...
Put that in your google translator and start working on it now, Allen Iverson...
You got this all wrong! They are limiting his minutes to the magical 24! This is sure to work!
- Knee mac will not play after allstar break, either injured or crying over minutes
No, no, no! T-Whack will be a efficient 20+ ppg scorer. He said he feels BETTER THAN EVER!!!!!
- Zach Randolph is who we thought he was.
Nope. 1st team All NBA!!!!!
- Kobe's continues to decline athletically
Yep.
- Bosh complains about touches as soon as miami starts losing
Nope. Chris Bosh is a proven SUPERSTAR and a proven winner and team player!!!!!
- Artest, now that he has a ring, will have trouble containing his crazy side
Yep.
-The bulls will disappoint
Yep.
Oh yeah, It's opposite day!
maybe Stephon Marbury can join them. that's the real Big Three right there!
They never used any punctuation whatsoever in classical Chinese, but began using Western punctuation after the May 4th movement in an attempt to make the language easier to write/read.
IMHO, they should have done more. It's still Greek to me.
As for Denver, I can't see them succeeding through this Carmelo drama story. With or without him, I see the wins number about the same, which unfortunately for them, still puts them near the bottom of the 3-10 slots in the West (all within 5 games according to my guesses). George Karl is a wild card too.
In retrospect, I should probably drop Utah a bit more since I don't believe in Al Jefferson, and their kinda crappy new uniforms. And 7 and 8 seeds in the East might both be 42 wins or less. (I don't buy into the New York hype (obviously) as a Suns fan, and don't think NJ can turn around a 12 win season with Avery and the "help" for Lopez gained this offseason.)
Delonte West will love hanging out with KG
next Offseason Kahn will pull that rubio-rabbit out his hat and trade 3pg´s and 2sf´s 4 mello
Tyrus Thomas will rule the "pissing his talents away" category with uninspired play next season
http://www.tmz.com/2010/09/15/dwight-howard-nba-royce-reed-baby-child-lawsuit-defamatory-gag-order-injunction/
this is awesome. also,Bawful,your page is again being reported as dangerous content by chrome
WojYahooNBA One of NBA's relentless vets -- Mario West -- a walk-on at G'Tech, undrafted in NBA -- will get workout with Boston next week, source says.
WojYahooNBA West worked out with Spurs recently. Hawks released him after 2-plus seasons, and West finished year with Austin Ainge in Maine of D-League.
Mario West on the Celtics? Yes please.
Zyth -- Does Chrome by chance have any more information about what it is considering dangerous content? Maybe I can track down the source of the problem.
Yep, sounds like he really IS gearing up for his post-basketball"law enforcement" career
Relentless? He does have a relentless pursuit to get paid to watch pro ball from the first row.
- Everybody gets in "hero mode" in a strange reaction to the upcoming NBA lockout, and it's the season with the worst shooting%, less assists per game ratio, more turnovers... and the real fuckin' best highlights in history.
- Allen Iverson and Stephon Marbury get into a catfight.
- Someone posterizes Ostertag.
- Knee-Mac recognizes he was statcursed by a waltonism.
- DeMarcus Cousins and Tyreke Evans dance the Jailhouse Rock in the Kings halftime show (sorry chris).
- KG returns to the Wolves and Kahn finally gets his star to fill the cap space.
- and... the Lakers three-peat (sorry ET, Matt, and everyone except Wild Yams and Heretic).
2) Wolves, Raptors and Cavs will combine to win less games than the Miami Heat (My guess is 60).
3) The Blazers will finally be healthy (Well Oden will still miss half of the season, but that's 'relatively healthy' for him), then all the journalists and their fans realize they are still nowhere close to challenge the Lakers.
4) The Knicks acquires Carmelo; then quietly position themselves for the Chris Paul sweepstakes in 2012. Yikes
5) The Spurs die a slow, painful death.
6) The sorry faces of LBJ, Wade and Chris "The Lapdog" Bosh after they got their asses kicked by Kobe in the Finals on every sport page cover in June.
btw my more 'regular' predictions:
East Playoffs -
1) Heat
2) Magic
3) Celtics
4) Bulls
5) Hawks
6) Bucks
7) Bobcats (yikes)
8) Knicks (double yikes)
West Playoffs -
1) Lakers
2) Mavs
3) Blazers
4) Jazz
5) Spurs
6) Nuggets
7) Hornets
8) Thunder
MVP: Dwight Howard
ROY: John Wall (only because Cousins will get busted for multiple drug/gun/whatever possession charges; and Griffin will break sth again because nothing good ever happens to the Clippers)
Finals: Lakers over Heat