Okay, bear with me here, people. There were a lot of questions and I have two rusty hooks for hands, so I'm breaking this post up into two parts. The second part will be published later today.

Question: What's your favorite sexual position? -- Gwen Stefani

Answer: Gwen Stefani on top. (And yes, this was the very first question I got. Nice.)

Question: Are you a hockey fan? -- Shrugz

Answer: No, I'm not. I have several friends -- including my best friend, BadDave -- who love hockey, but I just can't get into it. Not enough scoring, and I also hate that the puck spends so much time out of the players' control. I mean, imagine if basketball players spent, like, 30 percent of their time running after the ball in a group. Agonizing.

Question: "She then reached between my legs and grabbed a tiny fistful of my junk" Was it the fist or the junk that was tiny? -- Victor

Answer: I knew somebody was going to call me out on that. Let's just say that she grabbed as much of my junk as her tiny fist could contain and leave it at that, huh?

Question: do you mind telling us where you live? A state at least. I'm picturing you in the basement (because you're a blogger) of Madison Square Garden.

Answer: Blogging from the basement of MSG sounds kinda cool. And that probably says something about me, doesn't it? But the reality is, I'm currently based in Chicago, Illinois. And my place doesn't have a basement...or any parents in residence. I do, however, sometimes blog in the buff. But I have a feeling I just waded into the murky waters of Too Much Information...

Question: Who do you think are the best 'almost' teams in league history? Like, the teams that didn't win the championship but were still REALLY good? One example I'd give are the 96-97 Jazz.

Answer: Obviously, I did a post about this a while back. I think that the classic "Almost" Team was the 60s era Lakers, who made it to the Finals six times and lost to the Celtics each and every time. The NBA Awesome Endings video has an entire section devoted to the Celtics-Lakers rivalry, and Jerry West talks about losing to Boston for the sixth time in 1969 despite the fact that L.A. had added Wilt Chamberlain in the offseason. West said: "Of all the losses, that was the worst I ever had to endure. That was the one I just simply emotionally couldn't cope with. When you come so close, and against the same team, it's almost like an arrogance they have, like their sort of laughing at you. And that was the most painful thing of all."

Poor Jerry. But at least he got his just rewards in 1971-72, when the Lakers won 69 games and the title. The 1967-68 Sixers were another fantastic "Almost" Team that got undone by, of all things, the assassination of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. The 1972-73 Celtics won 68 games -- a franchise record -- but lost in the Eastern Conference Finals in seven games to the eventual champions (the New York Knicks) due to John Havlicek's shoulder injury. (That team, by the way, holds the distinction to be the team that won the most regular season games without reaching the Finals.) The 80s era Milwaukee Bucks won 50+ games for seven straight seasons, but there was always a better team standing in their way (usually the Celtics or Sixers). There were some strong Portland teams in the late 80s/early 90s that always managed to self-destruct. The Pacers were always in the mix from the mid-90s to the early 00s, but they never had the star power to win the prize. The Jazz, of course, won 50 or more games 11 times during the Stockton and Malone era, but...well, we know how that worked out. The top two "Almost" Teams of this decade are the Suns (who have looked like champions-in-waiting since Nash arrived) and Mavericks (who flopped in the Finals and then got bounced in the first round after winning 67 games).

Question: can you keep doing followups on Mario West? Or a "where is he now?" segment. It seems he has been put out of his NBA misery, but I think the basketbawful world owes him a tribute for his immense contributions. Maybe he will follow Josh Childress, although probably as a fan. -- Ruben

Answer: I would love to continue reporting the life and times of Super Mario. I wonder what his post-NBA life is like. I mean, while having sex, does his partner just randomly stop him after 30 seconds? Do his children listen to his advice for less than 10 seconds and then just walk away? Do his buddies hang out with him for 60 seconds and then ditch him for somebody a little cooler? These are things I need to know.

Question: Do you consider Indiana or Chicago more your home? Both in terms of home teams -- Bulls and Pacers, Bears and Colts - and otherwise. -- M. Alana

Answer: Well, it's weird. I would never want to live in Indiana again. Chicago is definitely more my style. But that said, I feel more emotional toward and comfortable being in Indiana. I tend to lean toward Indiana teams -- I rooted for the Colts when they faced the Bears in the Super Bowl a couple years back -- but the 1985 Chicago Bears is my all-time favorite football team. Oh, and unrelated, but yes, I got your package.

Question: Who would you pick to win in a fight to the death, no-holds barred, with glass shards glued to the taped fists of Karl Malone and Charles Barkley, both in their prime? -- AK Dave

Answer: There's no question that Karl has the edge in size, strength and, ahem, fitness. But I always got the feeling that Malone was more of a lover than a fighter. Chuck, on the other hand, is totally a fighter. I mean, the dude freaking went after Shaq. My money would be on Barkley, all the way.

Question: If you could bring any starting 5 of any team to a fight...which team would you choose? -- Anonymous

Answer: Easy. The 1991-92 New York Knicks -- Patrick Ewing, Charles Oakley, Anthony Mason, Xavier McDaniel, and John Starks. Okay, that fivesome didn't always start together, but what a group of hombres! If I ran into those guys in a dark alley -- hell, even a sunshine-filled alley -- I'd just fling my wallet and any valuables at them and drop dead on the spot.

Question: I can hardly wait to see Stephen Curry in the NBA, how about you? And I hear Davidson is moving him to the 1 this season. What are your thoughts on that move? -- Anonymousnupe

Answer: He's an exciting player to watch, no question about it. And I like the fact that he shoots the three with consistency (41 percent his freshman year and almost 45 percent last year). I also love that he chose to return to Davidson for his junior year, like he had some unfinished business to take care of (there's not enough of that today, IMHO). But I have this jittery feeling about him, like he's going to be one of those shoot-first gunners. The NBA doesn't have much use for 6'3" two-guards, you know? And he just doesn't strike me as someone who can transition into becoming a floor general. By this point in a player's development, I believe they are what they are. And he's not a point man. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm taking the "wait and see" approach with Curry.

Question: Suppose you are the GM of a brand new NBA team and you're gonna get into an expansion draft. Also, you got the #1 pick in the 2009 Draft. Each current NBA team would protect seven players (probably their better players, except for some terrible contracts). The rest of them would be available.You can only pick one player per team. Please post your roster of 14 players. -- Baguete

Answer: Wow. That's a really tough question. It seriously deserves a post of its own, and maybe I'll try to do that sometime next week. I know. I'm sorry to cop out on this one, it's going to take more research than I have time for at the moment. But I can tell you that I would try to assemble a team very similar to the current Jazz squad -- disciplined, character guys who can shoot, move without the ball, and play selflessly on both ends of the court -- then hope and pray I could draft or trade for a couple guys to fill the Boozer and Williams slots. Seriously, I'm going to make this one its own post next week.

Question: Have you ever had a Big Kahuna Burger or has anyone for that matter, and are they actually "tasty burgers"? Jules Winnfield sure makes it look good. -- Anonymous

Answer: You know, I always assumed that the Big Kahuna Burger was an invention of Quentin Tarantino's twisted mind. Turns out I was wrong about that. (Okay, I'm kidding. Please don't try to hunt down any of those locations.) Anyway, no, I've never had a Big Kahuna Burger, but I'm pretty fond of the Burgers at Red Robin and Cheeseburger In Paradise.

Question: What inspired you to start this blog in the first place (besides being the last bastion of sanity against the advancing throngs of Kobe lovers). -- Showtime

Answer: My buddy Statbuster and I used to get together to watch basketball a couple times a week...until he moved back to Indiana (the bastard). During the games, we'd have these long discussions about the sport, comparing it to professional wrestling, inventing words, making fun of the worst of this and the worst of that. We decided to record some of the stuff we always talked about, if only for our benefit, and the benefit of our small social group of diehard basketball junkies. Honestly, we never thought anybody other than us would be interested in our fart jokes and penis humor. So, you know, we were pleasantly surprised.

Question: Who should I retain in my keeper fantasy league, Agent Zero-knee Ligaments or Jermaine The Drain O'Neal? -- Tonewise

Answer: I sort of paraphrased that question, but I would definitely keep The Drain. Gilbert is basically a shooter/scorer. And he's a shooter/scorer who's going to miss at least 14 games out of the gate and come back rusty as hell. And there's no guarantee that his knees will be ready for full-time NBA work. On the flipside, I think that Jermaine is going to be rejuvenated in Toronto, partly because he's getting a fresh start, and partly because he no longer has to be The Man, which is a role he was never fit for in the first place. Sure, they're both question marks, but O'Neal should contribute points, rebounds, blocks and a (slightly) higher shooting percentage. Gil is going to give you points, period, and probably not as many as you'd like. Botton line: I think there's more upside in keeping O'Neal. And just so you know, after what he did to my Pacers, it kills me to say that.

Question: Obviously this could turn the masses against you, but who is the biggest basketbawful fan? -- Nick F. (Buck Nasty)

Answer: Oooo, tough one. Really tough. I started making a list of my favorite fans, but I had to stop because 1) it comprised about 3/4 of the people who posted questions and 2) it's sort of a copout answer. (But understand, it's your emails and comments that keep me going when I have no desire whatsoever to write or even think about basketball. I would have to say that my biggest fan is the amazing LooseChange, who has offered more support and encouragement than I ever would have thought possible. So...[raises champagne glass]...here's to you, LooseChange. Thanks for everything. Seriously.

Question: what's your favourite restaurant in your area?

Answer: Man, I'm going to come off as very uncultured here, but I don't really have one. I've been to several posh (read that: expensive) places, but I can't remember the name of a single one. I much prefer low-key eateries and dive bars. That's just me. But I'll throw you a bone: I love Pizza Metro. Friggin' love it. Oh, and I think that the stew they serve at the Claddagh Irish Pub in Indianapolis (while not in my area) is well worth dying for.

Question: Who do you think will be next season's Chicago Bulls? By that I mean the season's most blatantly underachieving team. I'm taking the 76ers. -- Anonymous

Answer: I'm tempted to choose the Sixers, too. I'm just not buying the hype. I might also put some money on the Hawks. Everybody was really impressed by how tough they played the Celtics in the first round of the '08 Playoffs. This will fool some people into believing they're ready to make The Leap. Trust me, they aren't. I also feel like Orlando is going to take a step backward.

Question: Do you think there will be any blockbuster trades that change the balance of power this season? And by balance of power I mean a trade like Dallas made that makes the team worse. -- DDC

Answer: Last year's blockbuster trade-a-palooza will not repeat itself. It took years and years for GMs to locate their testes and take big gambles again. And seeing as how the Kidd and Shaq trades were big busts, I think GMs across the league are going to go back into "Play It Safe" mode. The only potential blockbusters I can see would be Denver shipping out Iverson or Anthony, or maybe the Heat trying to move Shawn Marion. That's it. Of course, it's always possible that a team will unexpectedly (or expectedly) suck so bad that a prima donna (Vince Carter?) goes postal and demands a trade.

Question: Are you now, or have you ever been a dunker? What was your best dunk? -- Jeremy

Answer: Alas, no, I have never been a dunker. In college, I could jump up and grab the rim. That's the closest I've ever gotten. I did play some Slam Ball on an eight-and-a-half foot rim once. I tomahawked on my friend Mr. P. That was fun. But keep reading the White Man Jump Challenge. Maybe someday...

Question: Who would win in a fight: Manute Bol or Gheorge Muresan? -- Chuck

Answer: Easy. Muresan. Poor Manute is a twig.

Question: Is there any chance in hell that it's actually Flip Saunder's fault the Pistons haven't won multiple championships and they'll finally back door into one before Chauncey and Sheed are playing someplace else? -- Pistonsgirl4life

Answer: I'm fairly certain that Flip was part of the problem. He just isn't a "get 'em over the hump" kind of coach. Mock Pat Riley all you want -- there's plenty about him worth mocking -- but he always seemed to find ways of getting his guys to take it up a notch. (The whole "Fifteen Strong" thing was cheesy...but it worked.) Not so for Flip. But to me, the Pistons' biggest issue has been hubris. They beat the Lakers in '04 because they wanted it so badly and played out of their minds. They have not played with the same level of intensity since then. They just haven't. And worse yet, they developed a sense of entitlement. They seem to honestly believe that they should be any team they face simply because they can. But it takes more than sheer talent to win. Just ask the Suns, and the Mavericks.

Question: What's more likely to happen, Lebron throwing his teammates and management under the bus while hovering just below .500 going into the new year or Shaq starting to miss games with the inevitable "bruised quad" after the Suns drag to a 7-13 start. -- Dunpizzle

Answer: Well, one of LeBron's primary goals is to become a global icon, right? And I think he's savvy enough to realize that throwing his teammates under the bus would hurt that cause. The Cavs would have to suck for a while -- like, say, a season and a half -- before Lebron would go nuts. Whereas Shaq, he takes a 20-game mini-vacation every season. It's not a question of if, it's a question of when.

Question: who would you consider to be the most underwhelming/underachieving player in the history of NBA Basketball? -- spidermints

Answer: I've often read that Marvin "Bad News" Barnes had the talent to be one of the all-time greats, but drugs ruined what could have been a Hall of Fame career. Same for Michael Ray Richardson. I mean, there are so many players I could name, and for so many reasons. Greg Ostertag (sorry, had to). Sam Bowie. Harold Minor. I could put together one seriously long list. But instead, I'll tell you the very first name that popped into my head when I read your question: Vince Carter.

Question: And also, who do you think had the funniest name in NBA history? Or even college ball. -- Spidermints

Answer: Huh. I can't choose just one, so here's an incomplete list: Fennis Dembo, Uwe Blab, Sweetwater Clifton, Fat Lever, Bimbo Coles, Otis Birdsong, Foots Walker, Slick Watts, Bumper Tormohlen, Smush Parker, Jack Tingle, Von Wafer, Perry Warbington, Trooper Washington, Skippy Whitaker, Skip Wise, Harthorne Wingo, Detlef Schrempf, Justus Thigpen, Corny Thompson, Fatty Taylor, Snapper Jones, Zan Tabac, Pops Boumtje-Boumtje, Sleepy Floyd, God Shammgod, World B. Free, Ansu Sesay, Granville Waiters, Juwan Oldham, Bo Outlaw, Dan Dickau, Vonteego Cummings, Yinka Dare and Nene Hilario.

Some funny college names include Baskerville Holmes, Majestic Mapp, Scientific Mapp (I swear, look it up), Ya Ya Dia, Boubacar Aw, Bingo Merriex, Brett Blizzard, Duany Duany, Pooh Jeter, Chris Porn, Can Civi, Brad Nuckles, Pops Mensah Bonsu, Parfait Bitee and of course Austen Powers. And I'm spent!

Question: What did you think of Donnie Darko? -- Shiv

Answer: I tend to really enjoy dark, thought-provoking movies like American Psycho and Memento, so I was expecting big things from Donnie Darko. I even sat aside and entire evening to do nothing but watch it. And...I was disappointed. It just didn't move me. Nothing clicked. My thoughts were not provoked. Maybe I was expecting too much. The "Phantom Menace Effect," you know?

Question: Oh and who would win in a 3-man free for all? Muggsy Bogues, Spud Webb or Earl Boykins? -- Shiv

Answer: Muggsy just strikes me as the toughest and scrappiest of the three. I'll choose him.

Question: Say for some reason, you're given complete control of the New York Knicks. Name the 12 things you would do in order for the team to not suck so much this season. -- Rainbow Brite

Answer: Let's see. Things 1 through 10 would involve getting rid of Stephon Marbury. And I don't just mean removing him from the team. I mean removing him from the space-time continuum. That's how disruptive his presence is. Things 11 and 12 would involved dumping Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry, in that order.

Question: Where would you rank the depression that the average Seattle sports fan is going through at the moment? -- Rainbow Brite

Answer: I would have to say that Seattle sports fans have to feel like they just spent 12 months watching a cherished loved one struggle on life support, hoping that person would pull through even though they known in their hearts that the person won't, only to watch them finally (and unceremoniously) die. After which they find out another loved one (the Seahawks) has Parkinson's disease. Sure, they aren't going to drop dead at any moment, but their life is going to be a joyless struggle for the forseeable future. That about cover it?

Question: If MJ would have been drafted instead of Bowie, how many titles you think The Blazers would have won? -- Rainbow Brite

Answer: At least one before the egos of Jordan and Drexler broke the team apart. Which is probably what would have happened in Chicago if Phil Jackson hadn't repeatedly convinced Scottie Pippen that is was okay to be the underappreciated and underpaid second banana.

Question: In your opinion, who is the most over- and underappreciated player in NBA history, and in today's game? (The answer "Battier" is invalid.) -- Murcy

Answer: The most overappreciated is Michael Jordan. That's not a hate thing, either. It's just that this mythos has developed about Jordan that he basically won all those titles on his own, that it was his sheer greatness that did it. And I think that vastly understates the importance of Phil Jackson's coaching, Tex Winter's offensive system, Scottie Pippen's role as the team leader and facilitator, the overall team defense, and the fact that Jerry Krause, for all his faults, managed to assemble the perfect group of roleplayers to compliment Jordan's brilliance. Don't think for one second that the deadeye shooting of John Paxson, B.J. Armstrong and Steve Kerr weren't crucial. As were the rebounding and interior defense of Horace Grant and Dennis Rodman. So on and so forth. I think it says something that in the first year of Jordan's first retirement, the Bulls won only two fewer regular season games and were a couple iffy calls away from getting past the Knicks in the Eastern Conference Semifinals, and the Knicks, as we all know, barely lost a hotly contested seven-game series to the Rockets in the Finals (thanks mostly to John Starks' 2-for-18 stinkbomb in Game 7). It wasn't until Grant bolted for Orlando before the 1994-95 season that things really fell apart. And even when Jordan came back, the team was still a Dennis Rodman away from being champions again.

The most underappreciated? Wow, no idea. There are several ways I could answer that question, and a lot of players I could name. But the first one that sprang to mind was Dave Cowens. He was only 6'8" and yet he held his own against leviathans like Wilt, Kareem, Willis Reed, et al. And unlike Ben Wallace, who did a servicable job of guarding Shaq in the 2004 NBA Finals, Cowens could drop 20 or 30 points a game, too. He was an amazing, intense player.

Question: What is the source of your MJ-hating? (Apart from being a pacers fan.) -- Murcy

Answer: I can remember the exact moment I started to dislike MJ. He did an interview between Games 1 and 2 of the 1991 NBA Finals in which he (in my opinion) did a lot of whining about how hard it is to be Michael Jordan. It seemed to my much younger mind that he went on and on about how he resented his fame and the fact that the fans didn't understand how difficult and stressful it was to be Michael Jordan. Now that I'm a little older, wiser and more mature, I get it. But at the time, it galled me. I was like, "What the hell do you have to be so snippy about, Mr. I'm The Best And Everybody Loves Me?" It's like...have you ever fallen out of love with the person you were dating, and suddenly you can see all the little flaws and imperfections, only they seem so much worse for the fact that you didn't notice them before? It's almost like the person lied to and betrayed you somehow, even though you were really just kind of lying to yourself. You wanted them to be perfect, but they weren't. Anyway, that's how it began. And it didn't help that his teams kept beating my teams.

Question: I really like your writing -- do you have any favorite writers? -- Anonymous

Answer: I do, probably too many to mention. Here are a few. My favorite sports writer is Jack McCallum. I love J.R.R. Tolkein's work. I'm a huge fan of the Harry Potter series, which I guess makes me a J.K. Rowling fan. There's Max Brooks (trust me, just look him up). Oliver Sacks (again, just trust me). Oh, and for humor, I'm a big fan of Seanbaby.

Question: Do you read sports stuff at home, or something else? -- Anonymous

Answer: Well, to keep up with my writing for Basketbawful, Footbawful and Deadspin, I pretty much have to read sports stuff at home. But I also enjoy science fiction, horror, history (mostly ancient near-east and medieval European), anthropology, psychology and sociology. Believe it or not.

Question: Do you have any least favourite athletes (basketball or otherwise)? It can be because of their personality, or just because they are crap. -- Anonymous

Answer: Well, there's Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Bill Laimbeer, Tom Brady. Oh, and Greg Ostertag, too, since he cost the Jazz at least two titles.

Question: Is writing a dream job, something that you always wanted to do? -- Anonymous

Answer: Yes, absolutely. I studied Journalism and Professional Writing in college. And I'm a technical writer (for computer software) by trade. I decided late in my high school career that I wanted to earn my living by writing...and I guess that's what I'm doing.

Question: Is Adam Sandler actually funny? -- Anonymous

Answer: No.

Question: Is 'Crazy ass Chuck Hayes' the best description of a player ever? -- Flud

Answer: I thought that "The Boston Celtic Mascot" was the perfect nickname for Brian Scalabrine last year. Oh, and how about "The Vanilla Godzilla" for our boy Joel Przybilla?

Part 2 in a few hours...

Labels: fan submissions, mailbag, questions and answers