Memphis Grizzlies (versus Memphis): The Griz got outscored 30-9 in the first quarter, which is a pretty deep hole to dig when you aren't any good to begin with. In the absence of Pau Gasol (sore back), Darko Milicic stepped down his game by shooting 3-for-9 and grabbing only 4 rebounds in 32 minutes.

Washington Wizards (versus Washington): Remember that 30-9 Washington lead I mentioned? Well, the Wiz let it shrivel to 6 points by the nine minute mark of the fourth quarter, thanks largely to sloppy play (20 turnovers). Wizards coach Eddie Jordan said: "Just a poor performance, but we won."

Casey Jacobsen (versus Washington): The Grizzlies' guard-forward scored a four trillion in this game. Did you know this kid wears number 23? Should somebody this bad be allowed to wear that number? The NBA needs to establish a rule about this. Let's give the kid Scott Hastings' old number, how about that?

Shawn Marion (versus Cleveland): The Matrix shot 1-for-4 against the Cavs. The good news is that his one field goal turned out to be the game-winner (which he hit with 1.1 seconds left). But why's Marion getting frozen out of the Suns offense? He's only taken seven shots in the last two games. Seven field goal attempts in 65 minutes of playing time seems weird for a guy who's averaged 18 PPG over his career. Ultimately, I doubt it's a big deal, but still seems worth mentioning.

Steve Nash (versus Cleveland): Did somebody replace Nash’s anti-bacterial hand soap with french fry grease? Because dude had some serious trouble handling the rock (7 turnovers).

Drew Gooden (versus Phoenix): The Cavs powerless forward had zero points (0-for-3), 2 rebounds, and 3 turnovers. Remember when everybody thought he was almost as good as Carlos Boozer? Turns out "almost" means "not anywhere close."

Ira Newble (versus Phoenix): Thanks to the absence of Sasha Pavolovic (out 6 weeks with a sprained foot), Newble got a rare start for the Cavs. He took a huge dump on coach Mike Brown's faith by going scoreless (0-for-1) in 12 minutes of action.

Lebron James (versus Phoenix): He had a good game (36, 7, and 5), but he shot only 6-of-16 in the second half of the 2-point loss. Then, on his way back to the locker room, the King took out his mad on an innocent trash can. Maybe instead of kicking it over, he should have looked inside it. Maybe his jump shot was in there.

Milwaukee Bucks (versus Toronto): Scoring 11 points in the third quarter (compared to 32 points for the mighty dinos) pretty much decided the game. During that third quarter, the Bucks were eating popcorn while the Raptors went on a 19-0 run. Milwaukee only managed three field goals during the period, by the way. Said Raptors coach Sam Mitchell: "When you only give up three field goals in a quarter, you are going to win a lot of basketball games." Now that Sam Mitchell has given up the key to winning "a lot of basketball games," expect other teams to make it point to hold opponents to only three field goals in the third quarter.

Jason Kapono (versus Milwaukee): The Raptors' sniper showed up with an empty clip, shooting 1-for-7. He didn’t even attempt a three-pointer.

Boston Celtics (versus Minnesota): They have the best record in the league, but they barely beat the team with the worst record in the league. At home. Sure, it's a win, but it sure felt like a loss to me.

Kevin Garnett (versus his old team): He returned from an abdominal strain and made a big defensive play in the final seconds -- stealing the ball from Sebastian Telfair -- to preserve the C's 1-point victory. It was a great moment for him, but he pissed all over it by acting the fool, pulling up his jersey and pointing vigorously at the "Celtics" name, letting everyone know that he is, in fact, a member of the Celtics. I guess he was taking a shot at his former team, who cruelly abused Garnett with consecutive $100-million contracts.

Marco Jaric (versus Boston): His stat line: 4 points (1-for-5), 2 rebounds, 1 assists, 30 minutes.

Philadelphia 76ers (versus New York): Picking on a 16-28 team for losing is kind of like making fun of a homeless man with broken broom handles for legs. But they lost to the Knicks. That warrants an automatic mention in Worst of the Weekend.

Julian Wright: He scored a one trillion against the Clippers, and then he followed up that performance by scoring zero points (0-for-1) in three minutes against the Spurs. Blink, and you probably missed him. Which is good for you.

Phil Jackson (versus Dallas): After his team fell to the Mavs, he (typically) blamed the officiating: "The coach gets on the referees. There's a lot of that with the organization and so there are a lot of fouls and that changes the flow of the game." Mind you, his team got 40 freethrow attemps -- 21 for Kobe Bryant -- on the road, four more than the home team. I'm sorry, but the "Mark Cuban and the Mavericks intimidate the officials" excuse wore out years ago. Find a new excuse, Phil.

DeSegana Diop (versus the Lakers): The Senegal Assassin scored zero points, grabbed one rebound, and commited one foul in almost 6 minutes of "action." What happened, did he suffer a major head wound in the offseason and just forget how to play basketball?

Chicago Bulls (versus Charlotte): The Bulls were missing leading scorers Ben Gordon (sprained right wrist) and Luol Deng (sore left Achilles'). The bigger problem, though, is that they've been missing their hearts all season. Listless, lifeless, hopeless. That’s your 2007-08 Chicago Bulls.

Sacramento Kings (versus Jazz): And the honeymoon is over. After losing by 26 to the Clippers, the Kings gave up 127 points and 57 percent shooting to the Jazz en route to a 14-point loss that felt like twice that.

New Jersey (versus Denver): 38 percent shooting + 18 turnovers = 8 losses in a row.

Jason Collins (versus Denver): Yet another scoreless game for Collins (0-for-2). But he did grab a rebound and commited a couple fouls, which is nearly double his usual production.

Denver Nuggets (versus New Jersey): As badly as the Nets shot, the Nuggets were worse (36 percent). Good thing that they had a 43-19 freethrow advantage. Ah, the sweet smell of home cooking.

Portland Trailblazers (versus Houston): They shot 35 percent, had more turnovers (16) than assists (14), and lost the rebounding battle 48-30. At home. It was the team’s second straight double-digit loss. That's five Ls in the last eight games. Not a reason to hit the panic button, but it’s starting to look like teams are taking them more seriously.

Seattle Supersonics (versus Atlanta): The Sonics are now the proud owners of the league's longest losing streak at 13 in a row. Hey Seattle, that hot breath you feel on the back of your neck is the Timberwolves gaining on you…

Mario West (versus Seattle): West hit a new low, playing 3 seconds. His last four games are as follows: 14 seconds, 18 seconds, 6 seconds, 3 seconds. And 1 foul.

Indiana Pacers (versus Miami): Last week, I predicted that the Heat would end their losing streak against the Pacers. In fact, I said: "If there's a team that can sink to the occasion faster than this Heat team, it's the Pacers." Sometimes I really hate being right.

Matt Carroll (versus Philadelphia): He dropped a 1-for-9, 5-foul stink bomb on the Bobcats.

Casey Jacobson (versus the Clippers): Remember his four trillion against the Wizards? He followed it up with a two trillion against the Clips. That's a sum total of six trillion for the weekend. That might be some kind of record for uselessness and futility. Well, second maybe to Mario West’s four-game, 41-second stretch.

Brian Cardinal (versus no one): Cardinal had a front row seat for Jacobson's six trillion weekend. That's right; Jacobson earned enough time to do nothing at all in six minutes while Cardinal couldn' even get off the bench. Ouch. "You know you suck when..."

Yahoo box scores: Shaun Livingston hasn't played a game since his knee exploded last year. Yet the folks at Yahoo have him listed as playing –6 minutes against the Grizzlies.

San Antonio Spurs (versus New Orleans): The Emperor got depantsed by the Hornets, losing by 24 points at home. Considering how the Spurs have been playing the last month or so, the loss wasn't much of a surprise to me, but it shocked the hell out of Tony Parker: "We were going the right way [before Saturday's game]. We were playing good basketball. We won in Charlotte, then L.A., and then in Miami." Uh, Tony, beating Charlotte (17-27) and Miami (9-33) is not a sign that you've been playing "good basketball." It's barely the sign of "registering a pulse."

Brian Scalabrine (versus Orlando): It's a strange day when the words "Brian Scalabrine is starting for the best team in the league" are totally true. I'm not saying he didn't try hard and everything, but 1 point (0-for-1) and 1 rebound in almost 22 minutes? He didn't even commit any fouls.

Gabe Pruitt (versus Orlando): Doc Rivers gave him his chance: 15 whole seconds of PT. And he didn't do a think with it. He has nobody to blame but himself, and of course the cruel fates that made him so much worse than everybody else on the team (including, gak, Brian Scalabrine).

Carlos Arroyo (versus Boston): Some players really bring it when they're facing one of the league's best team. Carlos is not one of those players: 2 points (1-for-5) and 6 turnovers.

Dwight Howard (versus Boston): Hey, I know it's was a tough, competitive game between two of the league's top teams. But why'd he try to kill Rajon Rondo with an elbow late in the game? Rondo's, like, five feet tall. That's not the Christian way, Mr. Howard.

Chicago Bulls (versus Phoenix): Well, shooting 34 percent from the field and compiling more turnovers (16) than assists (11) is pretty much par for the course for this team. So's losing.

Jerry Reinsdorf: "Hey, we didn't fire Scott Skiles, okay? Scott Skiles fired himself. I swear. Also, I am the DC Comics superhero known as Black Vulcan. Again, I swear."

Boris Diaw (versus Chicago): Don't let the 11 points, 6 rebounds, and 4 assists fool you. The French Frankfurter also shot 2-for-11 and committed 4 turnovers. So, yeah, he still sucks.

Kobe Bryant (versus Cleveland): If years of watching professional wrestling taught me anything, it's that you never trust a snake. After a perfect first half (6-for-6), the Black Mamba shot 4-for-15 in the second, including a dreadful 1-for-7 in the fourth quarter. So much for him being the "best closer" in the NBA, huh? He also clunked a couple freethrows and failed to put the clamps on Lebron James, who hit the go-ahead jumper right in Kobe's cocky mug.

Derek Fisher (versus Cleveland): That 3-for-11 line tells me that Fish really misses those double-teams that Andrew Bynum used to draw.

Staples Center roof: Do they make make Depends in "stadium size"?

Jeff Van Gundy: The coach-turned-ABC broadcaster unleashed a "new" term on the basketball watching public: verbal flop. But...you know...that sounds so familiar. Oh, yeah. I was all over that a couple years ago. I'll cut Van Ghouly some slack, though, since he used it to mock Kobe.

Drew Gooden (versus the Lakers): He needs to check his mammoth beard for ticks, flees, and his offensive game: 1 point (0-for-4) in 31 minutes.

Oleksiy Pecherov (versus Milwaukee): The Wizards 12th-man center played two minutes, scoring zero points (0-for-1) and committing a turnover. So little is known about this Ukrankian giant that I won't bother to try to look anything up.

Mario West (versus Portland): Not-so-Super Mario does it again! His 18-second stint against the Blazers gives him 59 seconds of playing time in his last five games.

New Jersey Nets (versus Minnesota): If Jason Kidd didn't want to be traded before, then he does now. The Nets fell to the worst team in the league not named "The Miami Heat," thanks, in part, to giving up a career-high 40 points (along with 19 rebounds) to Al Jefferson.

Bostjan Nachbar (versus Minnesota): That was one mean 5 seconds he played against the T-Wolves. Who does he think he is, Mario West?

Denver versus Dallas: Hey, this was supposed to be a 135-133 shootout! Instead, we get a 90-85 clunkfest. Don't these teams know they aren't supposed to play defense?

The Mavs' supporting cast (versus Denver): They had three guys who didn't score a point: Eddie Jones (0-for-3, 5 fouls, 28 minutes), Erick Dampier (0-for-0, 16 minutes), and Jose Juan Barea (0-for-4, 7 minutes).

C.J. Miles (versus Houston): Utah's Dallas-born dreadnaught scored a one trillion to go along with his vast collection of DNP-CDs.

Kevin Durant (versus Sacramento): Can we suspend all ROY talk until he gets his shooting percentage up to 40 percent? The Sonics might have ended their losing streak -- which is now up to 14 games of pure sorrow -- had Durant not clanged 15 of his 20 shots. He also committed 5 turnovers.

Labels: Worst of the Weekend