Basketbawful

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

A picture is worth a thousand...somethings.

You may have already seen this picture of Darko Milicic "celebrating" with Keyon Dooling. But you have to admit, it's worth seeing again:

So...this is how they celebrate in Serbia-Montenegro?
The caption for this picture reads as follows: "Orlando Magic's Darko Milicic, left, of Serbia-Montenegro, and Keyon Dooling celebrate after Milicic sank a 3-point shot in the fourth quarter against the Philadelphia 76ers." Why do they feel the need to mention Darko's nationality? How is that relevant? I guess when you publish a picture of two grown men humping one another, especially if the two men are professional athletes, you need to throw in something to kind of explain it away. It's like, "You know, Italians, they kiss each other on the cheek. Serbians, well, they pelvic thrust. It's a cultural thing."

While working on some upcoming Words of the Day, I did a Google image search for "Bad Basketball Defense." This was one of the results I got:

That's fundamental something, but it isn't defense.
I guess I could sort of understand that defensive stance if the guy was guarding the low post, but the offensive player is facing the basket. I admit it would throw my shot off to suddenly feel somebody's manhood jabbing me in the prostate, but I can only hope and pray this new defensive style doesn't catch on.

Of course, women's basketball tries (sometimes successfully, often times not) to mirror the men's game. So it should be no surprise that the same image search also yielded this result:

Not exactly my number one girl-on-girl fantasy.
Notice how the defender seems to be waving her arms and making scary noises. I guess she had to add a few things to make up for inability to penetrate the offensive player's anal region. Yet another example of how the women's game is inferior to the men's game: they can't dunk and...they can't dunk.

Okay. This next picture has absolutely nothing to do with the sport of basketball. But, frankly, it's too weird for me not to include:

I don't know if it's art. In fact, I don't know what the hell it is.
In case you're wondering -- and how could you not be?! -- this is a sculpture of Britney Spears giving birth. The sculpture, lovingly crafted and masturbated to by artist Daniel Edwards, is intended to promote "a new take on pro-life." To illustrate this new take, Edwards sculpted the image of Spears naked and pregnant, crouching face-down on a bare-toothed bear rug as the baby's head pokes out of her vagina. (Thankfully, the rear-end isn't pictured.) I apologize if the following words mark me as an unenlightened barbarian, but this thing is downright creepy.

Speaking of creepy, Edwards' three kids -- ages 3, 6, and 8 -- helped him build the first clay model of this monstrosity. According to Edwards, "At first, the kids thought it was kind of gross. Yukky. But then, they got curious." I don't have kids, so I may not be the best source of parental advice and inspiration. But this is the last thing I would ever want my children getting curious about before, you know, the age of 40.

Of course, whenever I find myself in these situations, when I'm caught between horrified disgust and morbid curiosity, I always just ponder: What Would Memo Think (WWMT)?

Mehmet says "thumbs up" to naked statues of birthing women.
Well...Memo approves. And that's good enough for me.

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