Basketbawful

Thursday, March 09, 2006

The Chicago Bulls present: Swingin' Seniors

As a rule, old people can be pretty entertaining. Grandpa Munster used to crack wise with the best of them, and Mr. Furley would always mistake the most innocent phrases for lewd sexual innuendo. But while the elderly are at their best when sarcastic or just befuddled, one thing we can universally agree upon is this: they should not sing and dance in public.

The Chicago Bulls beg to differ, though. Apparently, they felt that a full-time mascot, a sexy dance team, and a bunch of fat guys just didn't provide enough merriment for a live basketball game. The only thing left to do was add...old people! And thus the Swingin' Seniors came to be.

Wanna see these folks gyrate?! Yeah, I didn't think so.
Here's how the Bulls' official team site describes this happy troupe of aging hipsters:

"Just in time to celebrate the first Hardwood Classics game of the 2005-06 season, the Swingin' Seniors hit the court dancing to songs from their era as part of a game that flashes back to the late 1940s. The newest addition to the Chicago Bulls entertainment team is a group of 17 energetic, enthusiastic senior citizens who reside at the Village Woods Christian Retirement Community in Crete, Illinois."

Look, I'm not trying to be callous or insensitive here. I love old people. They make my life better all the time. Whether it's a warm hello from the door greater at Wal-Mart, the five dollars my grandma includes in my birthday card, or the fact that they can be crushed into paste and used as industrial rocket fuel, the usefulness of our elders is a proven scientific fact. But I think it's pretty irresponsible to drag them out of the peace and comfort of their retirement community and force them to dance for our pleasure. That's something Dr. Doom would do. Which, now that I think about it, actually makes it a little bit cooler.

It's not the music that bothers me. After all, the music at most sporting events is at least 20 or 30 years old anyway. No, it's the dancing that causes me to rise out of sleep in a sweaty panic. I don't know if any of you have a grandparent, but if you do, have you ever seen them try to do something that requires some minimal amount of physical activity, like taking something off a shelf, picking up something heavy, or even just sitting down? There comes an age were it's not only difficult to do these things, it's dangerous. I really don't want to be at the United Center on the night some old person kills his or herself doing the Mashed Potato or the Hokey Pokey.

Twist and shout...because your hip just broke.

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