rose crying

Derrick Rose underwent surgery today to repair the torn medial meniscus in his right knee. It’s been reported that he will have to sit out for the remainder of the season. So in other words, the Chicago Bulls' season is over as well. Somewhere Miami Heat fans, Indiana Pacer fans, and Nate Robinson are all smiling. For the rest of us, this is starting to get a little depressing. Unless, you just hate Chicago, you have to feel bad for Derrick Rose. I mean, yeah he signed a $95 million deal with the Bulls. And yeah he also has a lifetime contract with Adidas valued at over $250 million. And yeah he could stop playing basketball today and never have to work another day in his life. And yeah at the tender age of 25, he's already accomplished more than 99% of the basketball players on the planet. And yeah he can go anywhere in Chicago and be treated like a god. But it still sucks.

rose fans
 Poor Bastard
Maybe I'm jumping the gun here, but since Rose is going to be out long term; do the Bulls consider blowing up the team? They managed to get to the conference semis last year, but Nate Robinson was playing out of his mind. This could be the thing that tears down the franchise. I mean, their payroll is looking kinda hefty at the moment. Rose, Boozer, Noah, and Gibson are all owed big money going forward. I honestly, don't see any way in hell they resign Luol Deng this summer especially with the emergence of Jimmy Butler. With Rose out, that may look to trade him this season. Do they amnesty Boozer this offseason (should probably keep that option on the table regardless of the Rose situation.) Do they trade Noah and Gibson for young talent and look to tank the rest of the season? Either way, the air coming off Lake Michigan will be little bit colder this winter.

 Don't worry guys, Mike James to the rescue
Speaking of cold, miserable, and depressing...The Brooklyn Nets ladies and gentlemen! Christ, where do I even start. I was going to work in the word "clusterfuck" somehow, but that wouldn't do this situation justice. On paper they really looked like one of the best teams in years. The Nets had depth at every position. I would glance at the roster, and wonder how young up and comers Mason Plumlee and Tyshawn Taylor would even get any burn. You've got D-Will and Livingston at point. Johnson and Terry at shooting guard. Pierce and Kirilenko at small forward. Goon squad members, KG and Evans at power forward. Lopez and Blatche at center. And Jason Kidd as head coach. I mean what could possibly go wrong??? Huh, what’s that? Jason Kidd is a rookie coach, and doesn't know what the hell he's doing? Lawrence Frank is Kidd's go to guy for advice, even though he also sucked as a head coach? Williams, Pierce, KG, Lopez, Terry, and Kirilenko will all miss time with injury and they're only 13 games into the season? The Nets will roll out there on some nights and realize their second best player is Andray Blatche?

Nets Magic Basketball
 Well, this is awkward.
The Bulls situation is bad, but at least they have some tradable assets. If they Nets don't get it done this year, then what? Brooklyn was supposed to win it all, not compete for the lottery. Huh, what’s that? Oh they traded their pick in the 2014 Draft? So you mean to tell me no matter how bad they are they still won't get to select in the first round of one of the deepest drafts since 2003? These Brooklyn Nets are shaping up to be the biggest basketball let downs since...since...well, since the 2012-2013 Lakers. They're clearly built for the playoffs. Which is nice, but I supposed they'd have to actually, ya know, "be good" in order to get there. I mean, who knew a team of aging veterans could look so...aged. Mikhail Prokhorov is standing behind Jason Kidd for the time being, saying that he has his full support. But at this rate, it won't be long before he goes all Ivan Dragic on him. Thinking about all this has given me the blues. I'm going to pour myself a drink. Maybe I'll pour two and have one on Kidd's behalf. I'm sure he needs it.


"Just give the ball to Kobe and get the...wait...what?"

 Iggy loves his Brahms

Philly struggled so badly that Mark Jackson had to remind them which basket they were shooting at

 Sullinger reenacts a deleted scene from boogie nights...the double handjob!

 The new Z-Bo's....ankle tapes included

Boston coach Brad Stevens takes in the last 15 minutes of the Dexter finale

#1 Draft Pick Anthony Bennett:  Well, I guess this is what happens when you let your son make all the draft decisions. Cleveland barely scraped by against the Wolves, nearly blowing a 23 point lead at home.  

While they are getting solid contributions from their past lottery picks (Irving and Thompson both had double doubles) it's their new lottery pick I'm worried about the most:

The blue represents where Bennett is cold, and the red represents when he's on fi...well you get the idea.

You know it's bad when your coach yells at you to shoot from your neutral spots. 

Bennett is a whopping 0-15 on the season, a #1 pick who has yet to find his first field goal. In close games where the Cavs lost (such as the 84-90 loss to the Bobcats) you'd think just a couple field goals would really help.  Bennett did fill up the stat sheet on the season with 7 fouls to date.  So his impact is at least being felt somewhere on the court...even if it's to the benefit of the other team.

To put things in perspective, the highest amount of scoreless games a #1 lottery pick has had in a rookie season is held by none other than Michael Jordan protege Kwame Brown with 12 (not consecutively).  

Now that's some elite company to strive for. 

The real  Philadelphia 1776'ers:   On behalf of Philly's front office I'd just like to say Phew! You guys really had us going there for a second.  Competing? With other NBA teams? What are you nuts!?!?

But everyone take a breather, all is well.  The Sixers went from the NBA's prom queen to brace face within 48 minutes of game time.  

The Golden State Warriors came into town and exploded for a 24-10 run in the second quarter and never looked back.  They destroyed the Sixers in the first 3 quarters by an average margin of 10 points per quarter before agreeing to shoot with their weaker hand in the final period as a mercy rule.

Thaddeus Young was 3-for-10, Spencer Hawes was 1-for-6 and Carter-Williams missed 13 of his 17 shots with six turnovers.  The Sixers overall had more turnovers (24) than assists (19).

On the flip side, Andre Iguodala went HAM on his former team.  After managing just 26 points on the season in 3 games, he erupted for 27 points by halftime alone.  Iggy was in absolute beast mode pulling off one of the best assists of the year:


"I wasn't even thinking about scoring," Iguodala said. "It just kind of happened liked that."  Something tells me it's time to for Iggy to have a lobotomy so that the word "scoring" never pops up in his head again. 

Houston Rockettes:  What was billed as a potential WCF matchup, a battle between two teams who claimed to have improved defensively by a wide margin this season, ended up turning into a flashback from the 70's with a halftime score of 78-66.  I don't know if it was truly amazing offense, or truly terrible defense (how many open 3's did we see on this night?).  The 78 points at halftime was the most the Clippers have scored since the 84-85 season.  The Rockets also gave up 137 points to the Clippers in regulation.  I was actually getting nervous midway through the third because I wasn't sure if the NBA scoreboards were capable of putting up triple digits.

I can't lie, it was fun as hell to see, but something tells me run and gun isn't going to suit Howard too much if you aren't even going to give a chance to let the defense set.  The Rockets had the best rim protector in the NBA guard the 3 point line because oh my god can we not allow Byron Mullens to get hot!  

For those watching the game on NBA TV, how bad were those commentators?  I know it's hypocritical for me to make fun of homer announcers since I'm a Spurs fan, but holy crap were these guys terrible.  Aaron Brooks gets slapped in the face a couple times by Griffin on a fast break and the commentators claim "That's not a foul, he ran into his hand!...multiple times".

Keep in mind this is the same broadcast team that comes up with gems like this:

Ted Nugent must be proud.

James Harden had a very rough night at the office, missing all of his 3's (7 of them) and barreling into the lane but not getting any calls...which kind of made him look like a crash test dummy in traffic.

As for Dwight Howard, he was booed every single time he touched the ball by the Laker fans who are waiting for Kobe to return Clipper fans.  Like Butch from Pulp Fiction, it seems like Howard has lost all of his LA privileges.

Howard was a whopping -24 for the game, had 3 fouls before the end of the first quarter, and bricked half his free throws which somehow is a positive stat for him.

Reflecting on his one up-and-down season with the Lakers, Howard said, "I just allowed what people said to affect how I played. But I can't do that. I mean, I'm better than that."  

But are you really Dwight?

"They can boo me a million times. I'll still play," he said.

That's what I'm afraid of. 
I like to build imaginary teams in my head. It’s fun. Especially when it relates to basketball. One team I have is the All Neanderthal Squad. It's all the players in the NBA who I think look like the missing link. Chris Kaman, Al Jefferson, Mike Miller, Jerry Stackhouse. You get the idea. Another one I have is Team Mail It In. These are the guys who just get by on pure talent, with no real motivation to improve their games. Lamar Odom, Samuel Dalembert, Kwame Brown...the team is 15 guys deep. And Shaquille O’Neal is the head coach. One team I would love to see constructed in real life is the All Goon Squad. Just as its name suggest, it's compiled of the meanest, toughest, and most confrontational guys in the NBA. Here's what I got so far.

PG - Rajon Rondo: He may the least intimidating guy on the roster, but don't let his boyish looks fool you. He's got the personality of a bear trap. His moody and feisty temperament makes him the perfect point guard for this team. If anyone begs for the ball too much, he’ll hand it over and tell them where to shove it. He even had Doc Rivers walking on eggshells around him at times. If you asked him how his day was going, he'd probably tell you to go fuck yourself. Yup, no one can turn a casual interview into something extremely awkward quite like Rondo.


SG - Tony Allen: Probably my favorite player on the team. He plays with intensity, attitude, and grit. But that's not why he's on this team. He beat up a teammate...on board an airplane...over a card game. Safe to say he ain't afraid to sock someone in the mouth during the course of a game if he had to.
"Let's see him grab a rebound now."

SF - Metta World Crazy: Need I say more? Metta is the basketball Mike Tyson. Minus the face tattoo...and the Hall of Fame skills. But given the opportunity, I could totally see him biting someone's ear off. He may have the shortest fuse out of any player on this team. One time I was watching him give a brief interview right before he went to the locker room for halftime. As he was running off the floor, the camera guy was following him. Someone in the crowd must have said something to him. Because he stopped, turned, and started glaring into the stands. He had this unsure hesitation in his body. You could see the wheels turning in his head. Like "Should I go up and roundhouse this guy in the neck...Or should I just let it go." This was AFTER 2004 brawl in Detroit. And if that doesn't tell you something take a look at this video. Even other goons are afraid of him.


PF - Zach Randolph: Probably the last guy you'd want to mess with in the NBA. In 2003 during a Trailblazers practice session, Ruben Patterson and Qyntel Woods got into a scuffle. Zach Randolph stepped in and punched Patterson in the face. That's right. He saw two people fighting and decided he wanted to join in. Just because. A few years later during a game against the Phoenix Suns, Z-Bo got frustrated delivered a solid jab to the ear of Louis Amundson. Ever since that day Z-Bo has been known as one of the league’s premier bad asses.

 Chris Paul didn't get the memo

C - Kevin Garnett: Now I know what you guys are thinking. "But KG really isn't tough. He's one of those fake tough guys." Correct. KG isn't tough, and would much rather back pedal than throw an actual punch in the midst of a scuffle. However when it comes to trash talk, he's basically unmatched. He said Carmelo's wife tasted like Honey Nut Cheerios...His wife and mother of his child! He called Charlie Villenueva a cancer patient. He's a habitual line crosser and doesn't make any apologies for it. He's the kind of guy who'd see a dead kitten in the street and think to himself "Hmmm, there's a joke in there somewhere."
"From what I understand, British food does not taste very good. Although I'm rather fond of kidney pie....BITCH!!!!!!"

PG - Delonte West: Never mind the fact that on two separate occasions he got in a fight with teammate Von Wafer wild playing for the Celtics. Never mind the fact that he may have slept with Lebron's mother. Never mind the fact that he's been diagnosed with having a bipolar disorder. Never mind the fact that he carries guns in a guitar case a la Antonia Banderas. Delonte solidified his spot after he gave Gordon Hayward a wet willie during a game against the Utah Jazz.

 He also specializes in Wedgies and Indian burns.

SG - Deshawn Stevenson: I'm convinced that Stevenson is an active gang member. When he was with the Mavs he'd throw up what looked A LOT like a gang sign after making a three. Also he has a red Pittsburgh Pirates tat on his face; a symbol that's often linked with the Bloods…Ok, maybe I watch way too much of that Gangland show on A&E.

Ok, maybe he's just calling out the next play...Yeah, that's it.

SF - Matt Barnes: As I've mentioned in the past, I really hate this guy. But I guess that makes him a perfect candidate for this roster spot. He's probably the most well rounded douchebag in the league. Fights, shit talking, unnecessary stare downs, a bunch of random tattoos. ARGH!!! How can anyone be a fan of this guy? If you share your trail mix with him, he'll probably return it after eating all the M&M's. His mom probably checks her purse after he leaves her house. He probably cusses at his kid’s soccer games. When he's driving down the highway, and someone lets him merge, I bet he doesn't even give that little "Thank you" hand wave.

mega douche
 Look at him. Tell me you don't want to punch your screen right now.

PF - Reggie Evans: He's not even a basketball player. He became a millionaire by running up and down the floor disrupting the other team by any means necessary. Fouling, flopping, and even fondling other men. Yeah, on occasion he’ll pull down 20 plus rebounds in a game. But that’s only because no one wants to go near him.


C - David West: From what I understand David West is a trained boxer. That makes him one of the few guys in the NBA qualified to step in the ring and kick someone's ass. He also reportedly sent the Cavaliers mascot to the hospital after the two got into a play fight before a game in 2012.

11th - Stephen Jackson: Getting into a fight with anyone on the goon squad means that you'll have to also fight Stephen Jackson as well. In the Pacers/Pistons brawl of 2004, Jackson could be seen right there, battling in the trenches with then teammate Ron Artest. And when things get really heated; He's known to pull out a gun a squeeze off a few rounds such as the case in 2006 outside an Indianapolis nightclub.
"We can just tell the judge you where having shooting practice. Get it? Shooting practice."

12th - Kendrick Perkins: There's a direct correlation between the decline in his game and the rise in his jack-ass-ed-ness. It's really all he has left. He can't shoot, dribble, pass, jump, or even run at an NBA speed. I guess he's good at defense in the low post, but with the decline in the number of back to the basket centers, that one skill he has isn't even useful half the time. So yeah, Perkins is almost pointless. However, last season he did have the balls to fight Zach Randolph in front of the locker rooms after a game. And for that, he's earned a spot on the Goon Squad.

Artist Depiction of the scuffle

13th - Kenyon Martin: He used to be a hard fouling, hard dunking All Star. Now he's just a hard fouling role player. Kenyon has a reputation of taking things just a little too far. What would normally be an intentional foul usually results in a flagrant foul. At this point, I don't think he likes basketball nearly as much as he likes inflicting pain on others.

kenyon kills leonard
  No blood; No foul

Nike Ad Man: "Ok LeBron, we've come up with something really slick for your next commercial: Scene: morning, Miami. You emerge from your gigantic mansion through wrought iron gates. A bunch of your admirers are anxiously waiting for you."

LeBron: "How long have they been there?"

Ad Man: "Doesn't matter."

LeBron: "Sure it does. I call neighborhood watch if there's people hanging outside my gates for too long."

Ad Man: "These people are harmless. They don't want to hurt you. They love you. They're huge fans."

LeBron: "Like the 'fans' who left Game 6 early?"

Ad Man: "No, no. None of these people could afford a Heat ticket. It's kids mainly."

LeBron: "I'm a grown man. That sounds creepy."

Ad Man: "No, no. It shows you're accessible."

LeBron: "But I'm not."

Ad Man: "Play along dude. Seriously. It's a commercial."

LeBron: "Ok, what next?"

Ad Man: "Then you and your gigantic posse clog up a major highway as if you're the President of the United States, barge through a parade, go swimming, then you school a bunch of inferior street ball players for your own amusement, make a thousand people wait out in the Miami heat while you practice basketball alone in an air-conditioned private gym, then finish up the day by returning to your mansion. The closing shot is your huge wrought iron gates sliding to a close in front the adoring crowd. Deprived of your Godlike presence, they wander off aimlessly and in silence."

LeBron: "I still think that makes me look like kind of a dick."

Ad Man: "Your payment for this commercial will be 12.6 million dollars."

LeBron: "Well, alrighty then. Let's just do it. 'Just do it' see what I did there?"

Ad Man: "Good one LJ."

LeBron: "Don't call me LJ."

Ad Man: "Sorry, Mr. James."

LeBron: "Better."