For those of you who might be wondering, I, Evil Ted, am completely over the Celtics losing Game 7 to the Lakers in the NBA Finals. So completely over it. It’s not bothering me one bit. I mean, sure, it bothered me right around the end of the game, but that was for, like, five minutes.

Does this guy look like he's still upset?
I think not.

People get way too attached to their sports teams. I’m not like that. Hell, I didn’t even notice the Celtics were in the playoffs until they got past the Cavs. Yeah, I followed the Magic Series pretty close, and sure I got a little excited when the Celtics made it to the finals sporting a team that, on paper, had all the talent it needed to win. And I’ll admit, I was enticed by the fairy tale playoff run leaving in its wake the crushed dreams of Dwayne Wade, LeBron James, Dwight Howard, and, potentially, Kobe Bryant, but it’s not like I wanted to kill myself because it didn’t come true…in the final minutes…of Game 7…of the Finals...against the hated Lakers...

...where was I? Oh yeah...

So what if everything Doc said to the media was coming to fruition, about how it was more important to go into playoffs as a healthy team than as a high playoff seed? And about how he was just managing the minutes of his aging veterans, trading regular season wins for the ability to sustain a lengthy playoff run. I know, he could have added a huge tangible milestone to his coaching legacy and to the legacy of the Celtics franchise with banner number eighteen, but so what? That’s not important to me. If it were, would I be writing this right now? Of course not.

If I were a lesser man, I would rail about the Celtics being up for most of Game 7, and about the Lakers getting a dozen dubious free throws in the last six minutes, but I’m not a lesser man. I’m beyond that. If I were a resentful, puss-oozing homer yutz, I would probably say that Kobe appeared to nudge Perkins' right leg from behind as he came down with that rebound in Game 6. Again, not me. I'm above it, and we should all be thankful I'm not that guy. I'm beyond such baseless, biased accusations, and am well grounded in the knowledge that there are more important things in life. For example, I'm apparently the father of three children. What’s better than that? Kids who are obliged to love you because of blood relation? That's just awesome. And you know what? They kind of look like me too. Imagine that - little semi-clones of me walking the earth after I’m gone. You know what that is? That’s everlasting life. Or practically. I mean, it’s close to that.

Sports, by comparison, aren’t really important. I mean, if they were, and I wanted to be petty, I would point out that the Celtics still have 17 World Championships to the Lakers 16, and if I were a REAL douchebag, I’d point out that 5 of those championships were won by the Minneapolis Lakers, so they aren’t even worth the fabric on which they’re printed. At least, that’s what I would say, if I even cared. Thank God I don’t.

And yeah, I’m a Red Sox fan, so when it comes to counting championships, I’m aware of how the Yankees are up like 27-6 in championships (at least I think that’s what it is. Fortunately I don’t care), and yeah, from 2004 through 2007, I could always shout down a Yankees fan by saying “Think you’re so great? Well which of the two teams has won the most recent championship?” Fortunately, the Yankees won it all last year so I’m no longer forced to engage in such petty arguments. It’s really wonderful to be given the gift of perspective, to know what’s really important. I consider myself a far more well-rounded individual for it. Imagine, people caring so much about the wins and losses of an athletic team. It borders on pathetic, really.

I’ll bet you’re going to come at me now with the Boston Bruins, up 3 games to none against the Flyers, collapsing in the playoffs. Now that’s hilarious. I mean, its hockey. Seriously. I wasn’t even going to watch unless they got to Game 7 of the finals. To my great fortune, they didn’t. The idea of being forced to watch a hockey game as if it were important is a frightening proposition.

Now, Ghana beating the U.S. in the World Cup, that event actually involves some relevant world implications. I can’t think what they are right now, but I’m sure there are some.

This sport is globally significant.
No seriously, it is.

I’m getting away from my point. My point is that we’re all going to die someday, and when that happens, is it really going to matter if the Celtics won Game 7, elevated the historic status of Garnett, Allen, Pierce and Rondo, and gave the Celtics an 18-15 lead in franchise championships over the Lakers? Not to me, not when I’m a corpse rotting in a casket. Ask the worms eating my dead flesh if they care who won. See? They didn’t even notice that you asked a question. They’re still nibbling away on my small intestine.

Speaking of the hereafter, I wonder if I could be cremated, have the ashes dyed green, and then decree in my final will and testament to have myself poured from a helicopter into Kobe Bryant’s swimming pool. Now THAT would be a grand statement. You know how hard it would be for Kobe’s pool guy to clean out the ashes? And the water would probably be green for, like, days afterward. That would be something.

Take that, Kobe's pool.

No. I’m not going to do that. Kobe’s not worth the effort, and I’m far too mature and above such behavior.

Listen to me here, going on about something as inconsequential as my own demise. Have none of us come to the realization that someday the sun is going to burn out, our planet will become uninhabitable, and the human race will cease to exist? Who’s going to give a crap about the Celtics-Lakers rivalry then? Nobody. Furthermore, I’ll bet the Staples Center and TD Garden won’t even be able to remain structurally in tact against the atmospheric extremes of a sunless universe, leaving championship banners floating aimlessly in the vacuum nothingness of space. How much is this year’s NBA Championship going to matter then, Laker fans? Hmmm? Think your team's victory is a big deal? I’ve just proven without a shadow of a doubt that it’s not.

See? When we're all gone, it's not gonna matter.
Who would read this, Martians?

Now, for argument’s sake, let’s suppose that a small band of scientific misfits, funded by an eccentric, benevolent billionaire, manage to build a spaceship to escape from our dead rock of a planet when the sun goes cold. They’re going to collect as much data about the history of mankind as they can, right? By then, I imagine the Celtics will have amassed 535 championships to the Lakers’ 534, only to be eclipsed by the 760 championships of the Hong Kong Fast Dribble Galaxy (the NBA would go international some time around the year 4,020). Think my hypothetical situations are ridiculous? Tell that to 2 billion Hong Kong Fast Dribble Galaxy fans. In the long run, their team, captained by the cryogenically frozen and reanimated head of Chow Yun Fat, will dominate the EBA (Earth Basketball Association), creating a legion of followers prone to chanting a series of virtually unpronounceable Chinese characters that translate loosely into “Win big and much, Hong Kong Fast Dribble Galaxy! Win big and much!”

Sorry, I got sidetracked again. I guess what I’m really trying to say here is, sports fans do care a lot about these stupid rivalries - sometimes, even, at the expense of their jobs, emotional stability, and personal relationships. But ask yourself which is more important: being glued to the TV when your favorite team wins a championship, or spending time bonding with your young daughter by pushing her in a swing at the park?

I think we all know the right answer to that question.

If I were a petty, small-minded sports fans, I’d conclude with something like:

Eat it, Laker fans. I’m gonna go get ready for the Patriots season to start.
Don’t have an NFL team there in LA? Awww. Too bad.

Fortunately, I’m not that type of person.

I am SO over it.

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Blogger Evil Ted said...
I'm going to leave the first comment for this post in an attempt to derail needless venom from Laker fans: The Lakers are the champs, and they earned it.

Please don't make me explain satire.


Blogger jmac said...
that was great Evil Ted. I have been following you guys ever since the Livin Large, and come about every day, but this is my first comment. Want you guys to keep up the good work, you helped me through this awful year of being a pistons fan.

Blogger The Dude Abides said...
Ha! I'm sure that some Philippine club team named after a tampon manufacturer (Modess No Dribblers) will wipe the court with your Hong Kong Fast Dribble Galaxy.

Anonymous TransINSANO said...
Great post, Evil Ted. Though, I do have one small quibble, the Lakers technically have won 17 championships as well; counting their NBL championship in 1948, which preceded their BAA championship in 1949, which counts as their first official NBA title before also winning the inaugural, unified NBA championship after the two leagues merged in 1950. So, on behalf of Lakers fans everywhere, we're proud to follow an organization that's on equal ground in basketball championship glory with the once mighty Boston Celtics!*

*Not counting the Lakers superior number of all-stars, wins, division titles, playoff wins, series wins, conference titles, and post-merger championships, which I won't mention since we're all now beyond such petty minutiae.

Anonymous Balamon said...
i replay the game 6 beatdown of 08 to put myself to sleep.

and i dream of the next time a team reduces kobe to tears.


Anonymous amhym said...
I have also been reading from Australia for a couple of years now and your posts keep me sane (and preoccupied) during my working hours.

Keep the posts coming all summer (winter for me) long.

P.S. As a Suns fan who traveled to the States to hopefully catch a game 5 against the dreaded Spurs, I could not believe we swept them. I too now know true hatred of a team, beyond a mere sporting dislike!

Anonymous MJ said...
hilarious :)

much love from australia

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
And let's not forget: MeBron didn't get a ring either. If he screws up this summer, he may never get one.
So we have plenty of reasons not to hang our heads.

Great read.

Blogger winnetou said...
After learning that I missed LA's lack of a NFL team for the last 15 years, I'd like to return the favour.
There is no need to worry about Staples Center and TD Garden in a sunless universe because in that phase, the sun's radius (as a red giant) will have expanded beyond earth's current orbit.

Thanks for all the entertainment during the season and playoffs. :)
Pretty sure that's not its last post anyway since the free agent madness is just around the corner.

Anonymous Barry said...
Hilarious stuff, for any fan.

Anonymous Big Dunn said...
Hilarious dude. I loathe hate and despise the Celtics but hope they make it back because Cetic fans are funny and knowledgeable! Now eat it losers!

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Ahahaha, this is so great, it could have simply been two words and had the same impact: "Fuck life."

Extra side note: ONN announces important breaking news regarding that globally significant (and fabulous) sport.

Blogger Unknown said...
Awesome post. Perfect timing, too, since my co-worker (who's from Boston) is wearing my Lakers shirt today as per the bet we made.

Blogger Evil Ted said...
AnacondaHL - Back atcha! Great comment! It could have simply been the letter A followed by an ampersand and the number 4 and had the same impact.


Anonymous msk said...
I'm sorry you even had to post that first comment, to defuse any idiocy... freaking great post. The thought of Kobe finding his pool green one morning is hilarious.

Blogger Unknown said...
There's professional football in Los Angeles. Their called the USC Trojans, and they've been paying players for years to win championships. The Trojans even just signed former Raiders coach Lane Kiffin. I'm not sure where the city of "USC" is, but I hear it's crime-ridden.

Blogger chris said...
Sorbo: That's the "University of South Central" on Figueroa Street and the Harbor Freeway, right? ;)

(Which is right across from the Lakers' and Clippers' former home, the Los Angeles Sports Arena!!!)

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I thought it was the "University of Spoiled Children" in Watts.

Blogger Unknown said...
@chris, Yeah I've been to the USC campus and the Coliseum, and I even caught a Clippers game at The Forum (go, Danny Manning!). I met a guy who lived in the USC dorms and gave me the lowdown. Basically, don't step outside of the school, and if you live in the dorms, move out because they're basically about to fall down (especially the older buildings). And this guy was a 300 lb. linemen, and if he was scared, I'm scared too.

But let's get back to Evil Ted's great piece today. I'm going the opposite route of his denial by choosing to be an overbearing, obnoxious fan:

The Lakers are the greatest team ever assembled, coached by the greatest coach in the history of team sports, owned by the greatest owner of anything ever owned, have the greatest basketball player ever, and will never lose a game ever again, becoming NBA Champions for life. They should start a football team just to rip the hearts out of Patriots fans. Pau is a stud. Lamar is the candyman, because his game is so sweet. Fisher is the Fisher King. Bynum is the greatest center since Kareem. Artest can guard anyone not named Kobe. Kobe is better than Bird, Magic, Jordan, Shaq, and Russell combined. Long live LA. Long live the Lakers.

We are the champions!

Anonymous AK Dave said...


AK Dave

Blogger chris said...
Sorbo: Since today is the day of the melodramatic...

2002!! 2002!!!! RIGGED! DONAGHY! ALL LAKER TITLES RIGGED! (yell it in a fashion like "Attica")

Tyreke the Freak Evans and DeMarcus Cousins will soon wreak havoc in the NorCal-SoCal balance of power, with Cousins's "instability" the ultimate kryptonite for Mamba and the Marshmallow! SOON SACRAMENTO WILL BE THE CAPITAL NOT JUST OF CALIFORNIA, BUT OF ALL THINGS HOOPS-RELATED! YES!

...considering that THE Bill Walton will be doing some commentary for random Purple Pauper games, expect the hyperbolic verbosity to increase in levels not seen since Winston Churchill or Socrates!!!!

Blogger chris said...
Sorbo: Clippers at the Forum. This sounds like a great guest post. (if you only had photos of the bawful too...)

Blogger Dan B. said...
Evil Ted -- I hate to hijack your awesome post, but this has to be shared.

You have to love the NBA for, if nothing else, salary-dumping trades like this one:

"The New Jersey Nets will trade Yi Jianlian and $3 million to the Washington Wizards for Quinton Ross and the Wizards' trade exception, league sources said."

No word on whether Yi's chair is included in the trade.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Balamon - "i replay the game 6 beatdown of 08 to put myself to sleep."

That's OK, I replay the game 6 beatdown of 2010 to do the same thing. After all, it's more relevant due to how current it is.

Here's a video of Ron Artest chanting "Boston sucks" over and over during the Lakers Championship Parade last week. I thought some people here might enjoy this :)

Blogger chris said...
And for folks in the River City, Game 6 in 2002 is a source of constant nightmares.

Blogger Evil Ted said...
You're dead to me, Yams. DEAD!
Or just wounded at least.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Sorry, ET :) BTW, how was the camping?

Blogger Unknown said...
@Chris - I was like 10 years old. I barely remember the game, but think it was against Cleveland. What I do remember was my cheapskate father.

First, we showed up late, because my dad heard that tickets were cheaper after halftime. He didn't want to pay the $5 parking fee, so after the parking attendant told him the cost (parking attendant, the Forum booths weren't open for some reason), he flipped the car around and found a spot on Crenshaw and Century Blvds. Then after the half-mile walk, he buys tickets at the box office. This is double sad, because what team has tickets at the box office for a Saturday game (the answer: bad teams). Then because he took so long trying to find a parking spot (plus the walk), we made it with just enough time to see the last ten minutes of the fourth quarter. Did I mention it was a Clippers game? That was my first live NBA experience, and the last with my dad. I'm shocked that I still watch the sport.

Blogger chris said...
Sorbo: Did your dad ever watch hoops before or since? That's such a strange choice for a first game...

...then again, my first Association game in person WAS Clippers-Kings in February 2009. :P

CAPTCHA: "cants" as in "Whatever happened to Mr. McCants' poetry?!!"

Blogger Evil Ted said...

Camping was...interesting...give me some time and I'll try to get a post out about trying to follow the Finals while on a rustic road trip.


Blogger Dan B. said...
Evil Ted -- Oddly enough, I covered some of the same ground as you when I was on vacation last week according to Bawful. I actually met up with him for a little while Sunday night on our way home. Too bad you couldn't have joined us -- it was good times.

Anonymous Gabe said...
I don't know if I'm rooting for the LeBron-Wade-Bosh trio to come to fruition. The positives are that they'd be amazing to watch and they'd prevent Kobe from winning any more titles. But the negative is that they'd take out all of the drama from the NBA season and playoffs. I'd much prefer a league with at least 4 teams with a legit shot at winning a title. Not watered down mediocrity like the NFL, but a small elite class of great teams. LeBron-Wade-Bosh trio would put all of that to rest.

Blogger chris said...
Gabe: Well everyone thought that the 1968 Chamberlain trade guaranteed a title for the Lakers, or that Payton and Malone heading out to SoCal sealed the deal in '04.

The games still have to be played of course.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
"everyone thought that the 1968 Chamberlain trade guaranteed a title for the Lakers"

Chamberlain did actually win a title with the Lakers, so maybe everyone was right. I know what you're saying though :)

Blogger chris said...
Yams: True, though in '72 it was more the undoing of the Elgin Baylor Curse!!!!!

Blogger Unknown said...
@chris - That's the crazy thing. My dad is from Evansville, Indiana, and red-shirted for Purdue in the late 50s/early 60s. He was your typical Hoosier from that era: 6'2, 150 lbs, every shoot was about 20 feet and in, with his elbow out instead of under the ball when he released it (something I inherited and can't seem to get rid of), and he had the most beautiful hook shot (another staple of that era's players). Unfortunately, his cheapness trumps his love for basketball.

He used to love basketball, but finds the modern game too flashy. He stopped watching pro ball after Bird retired, and he was a huge fan of the college game until about 10 years ago, when Knight left IU. And when Keady left, well, his interest in Purdue began to wain.

He claims to have seen the famous Milan High School team play (Hickory High in "Hoosiers") as well as to have played a few games with them when they were older. He probably exaggerated that last point.

Blogger chris said...
Sorbo: So basically, if CBS isn't the basketball broadcaster, the video therefore must be too modern. Got it. :D

Where were you guys in Los Angeles at the time? Trying to think of a neighborhood where cheapness goes far in California...

Blogger Unknown said...
@chris - In defense of my father, he and my mom were two years divorced and he had just bought a condo in Rancho Santa Margarita, which was fairly cheap at the time due to the late 80s recession. It was just before that parts of Orange County and Inland California (Riverside and San Bernardino) massively expanded housing wise, so you could still find spots in the O.C. for relatively cheap.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Not that it matters since life means so much more than a silly game but The Lie (Truth) is opting out

Blogger Mintz... said...
Hey Evil Ted, I don't mean to give you a big head or anything, and I seem to be way late on the commenting... But here goes anyways...

Superb article. I giggled like a schoolgirl throughout it's entirety (and I am a 20 year old male). Your musings on the future of our planet and the future of basketball in particular were hilarious.

Blogger chris said...
Sorbo: And I bet you that nowadays, you'd need B-Dizzle's contract to afford RSM.

Did you attend any more games in your youth?

Blogger Mt. Wood said...
I love it, the Lakers have stung all you Boston fans so bad you've actually picked up a book and learned satire just to further expose how bad it hurts.

love it.

fuckin' love it.

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Mintz - Thanks for the kind words. I got as much enjoyment writing this as you did reading it.

Mt. Wood - I didn't just "learn" satire. Hump the collective Laker leg all you wish, but give the art of writing, which doesn't get learned overnight, its due respect.


Blogger Unknown said...
@Chris - I only attended college games (USC/UCLA/Long Beach St./Wooden Classic) after that. I didn't have a ton of money growing up, and what I did have was paying for my college education. That and tickets to Lakers games cost a ridiculous amount of money. Even during the two years where they didn't make the playoffs, good tickets were impossible to get for anything under $100. Since my friends were fairly poor like me, none of us wanted to shell out $100 each to drive an hour up a congested freeway (the 405) and see the Lakers, when watching at our place was free, more fun because we could get more rowdy. (Best rowdy moment: my buddy threw his roommate's bed off the second floor balcony after Fisher hit the 0.4 shot.)

As for seats we could afford, I'm a firm believe the nosebleed section is not the best way to watch basketball. It's a game best watched up close, so I just stayed home and wathced up close on my TV.

As for not going to Clippers games, well they suck. Many L.A. basketball fans wised up and realized they could watch the best players (on say San Antonio, Miami, etc.) and not have to pay Lakers prices. The only available games were always Clippers/Warriors, and why would I want to watch that in person?

Anonymous Matt said...
I know this whole thing was written with your tongue firmly planted in your own cheek, but it actually does a decent job of describing how I feel about sports in general.

I grew up in Michigan so, by default, I was a Pistons fan. I was watching the 87 ECF (cue Johnny Most: "Bird stole the ball! Bird stole the ball!"), which was a pretty crushing loss. I was really bummed when I went to bed and then I realized that I had no business feeling bad. It wasn't like I was directly affected by the Pistons losing. From then on, I've always enjoyed when the team I'm cheering for wins, but the losses never last more than a few minutes.

Maybe that makes me a "bad" fan, but it's a whole lot more enjoyable way to go through life, that's for sure.

Blogger Evil Ted said...

I guess that's how I would LIKE to be - getting over a loss like that in a few minutes - but clearly this one stung and still does.

Over the years, Larry made a lot of people feel like I do. My turn to take the medicine.


Blogger Unknown said...
The idea that Kobe stepped on Perkins' knee on purpose is pretty pathetic.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Dude what's fun of sport if u ain't competing and I don't mean the fanatic one, we still alive after all. And for one thing 'if' the Celtic won would you still write this? (for the Lakers). It's not a shame to be a good fans for a times. after all pleasures of winning also comes from the bitter taste of defeat. The point is don't be ashamed to feel grudge when your beloved team lost, it's a good sport after all. unless Mitch Kupchak fucked it all up.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hey there, first off let me say that I'm a huge Laker fan and have been for some time now and I find your blog to be well written and very entertaining. I just recently came across it this season and I will continue to follow it next season.
One problem I have with this post is that you claim to be "over" this defeat yet I can't find any of the entries you made during this years finals anymore as well as the year the Celtics lost (in 09)
Yet I did come across 08's finals entries(I read them, again very entertaining even though that loss hurt like hell).
You claim not to be too attached yet you've erased any proof of any Celtic defeat.
Feels like a homer move to me.Just confused by this....

Anonymous Matt said...
I understand how some losses can sting more than others. I think when you've experienced a little more recent success, it also makes the losses tougher to take.

For example, I was raised in Michigan, but lived in Massachusetts for over 15 years, moving back in early 2005. My son, who was nine at the time, was a fan of most of the NE sports teams (I let him choose whoever he wanted to root for).

So, at this point, he really liked the Patriots and Red Sox, since the Sox had just won the World Series and the Patriots had been on quite a nice run. The Celtics really stank (as I'm sure you're aware), so he gravitated to the Pistons, since I still rooted for them.

So 2004 was a pretty good year for him, with the Pistons, Sox, and Pats all winning. When the Pistons lost to the Spurs in 2005, he basically cried himself to sleep. I think the fact that all of his favorite teams just seemed to win really made the losses that much tougher.

Or maybe he was just nine years old, who knows?