This post is an homage to one of my all-time favorite movies: The Boondock Saints. If you're a guy and haven't seen this movie, it's time to nut up or shut up. If you're a woman and haven't seen this movie, you owe it to yourself to see this movie. I promise a 13.7 percent increase in bust size by the time it's over. (And guys, if you needed another reason to watch it on "date night," that's it.)
But be warned: The language is probably NSFW.
I will begin with my favorite quote, which I unfortunately could not work into the main post:
"Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, the glory, now and forever. Amen."
This movie had lots of other great quotes I couldn't include. Give your brain a cookie and check them out.
"What if it was just one guy with six guns?" Okay, talk about your statistical breakdowns! Check out this crazy nugget from ESPN Stats and Information: "According to Synergy Sports Tech, Kobe Bryant entered play on Monday tied for fifth in the NBA in points per play on isolations at 0.98. On Wednesday, Nowitzki ran nine isolations and had a 1.78 point per play average, while Bryant ran 16 isolations for 0.88 point per play average."
Ooooookay. Well, whatever the case, Dirk had a game-high 31 points (10-for-19, 11-for-11 from the line) while Kobe struggled to score 20 points on 23 shots. Mind you, L.A.'s starting backcourt went 12-for-36 (including 2-for-11 on threes) while their startin frontcourt went 15-for-25. Oh, and Lamar Odom was 8-for-11. Why were Kobe and Derek Fisher jacking up so many shots? I guess you'll have to ask Phil Jackson. Why didn't Kobe -- who was 9-for-23 for the game and 2-for-6 in the fourth quarter -- pass the ball more?
Said P-Jax: "I thought he got other guys involved. He was probably a little fatigued and tried to help the other guys get going."
So 2 assists (and 2 turnovers) versus 23 shot attempts is getting other guys involved? Oh. Okay. Got it. Man, I know nothing about this earth game called "basket ball." I must find this human and use my Plarxor Ray to force him to teach me more!
Many thanks to Basketbawful reader K for sending a link to this pic:
Hey, Kobe. How does Marion's ass taste?
"This guy takes a blunt object, fuckin', waah! Hits the guy with the bandages around his head, right? Why? 'Cause he's smart. He knows the guy with the bandages around his ass, he ain't goin' nowhere. He's goin' fuckin' nowhere." This one goes out to the Minnesota Timberwolves, who fell to 14-45 after their 98-92 road loss to the Atlanta Hawks thanks to Josh Smith's season-high 27 points.
"Where you goin? Nowhere!" Ditto for the Washington WizardsGenerals Bullets, who put up a pretty valiant fight but still lost 99-94 at home to the Memphis Grizzlies. Mind you, the Griz were coming off a tough 99-98 loss to the Los Angeles Lakers Tuesday night and had lost nine of their previous 12 games. Oh, and Memphis came into the game 2-11 on the second night of back-to-backs.
In other words, the Bullets probably won't face too many opponents this vulnerable.
"Fuckin'- What the fuckin'. Fuck. Who the fuck fucked this fucking... How did you two fucking fucks...fuck!" The Curse of Bowie and Walton is real. It's real! Just ask Marcus Camby, who barely had time to break a sweat in his new Portland jersey before discovering what being a big man for the Frail Blazers is all about. Was he hurt badly? No. It was "only" a sprained ankle. So far as we know. But still...weird, right? Well, unless you consider the Camby Man's history and realize he's never, ever played 82 games in a season. Or even 80 games.
But hey, Portland took care of a Chris Bosh-less Craptors team in Toronto on the second night of back-to-back road games. And all things considered, the fact that they're 34-26 out West is pretty darn impressive.
"They can suck my pathetic little dick, and I'll dip my nuts in marinara sauce just so the fat bastards can get a taste of home while they're at it." That's gotta be how John Salmons feels about the Bulls about now, right? The Fish Man was underperforming in Vinny Del Negro's offense, which I like to call "The Long, Contested Jump Shot" system. But he's back to last season's form -- both with Sacto and Chicago -- now that he's in Milwaukee. He continued his hot streak last night by scoring 18 points and going 8-for-8 from the line.
Said Salmons: "Getting traded in the middle of the season is crazy." One assumes he mean's "strange" and not "I have a box of foreheads under my bed" crazy.
Speaking of hot streaks, the Bucks have been smokin' since trading for Salmons. That continued last night against the Hornets. Darren Collison continued his Chris Paul-lite trend by goingfor 22 points and 9 assists, but the rookie's stellar play couldn't overcome Milwaukee's inside dominance. The Bucks scored 72 of their 115 points in the paint. Holy sweet Jesus it was like a conga line to the rim, led by Andy Bogut (26 points, 13-for-20). Kinda weird Bogut had no free throws, but whatever.
The Hornets shot 5-for-19 in the third quarter, during which they were outscored 28-17, and never recovered.
Said Collison: "We just didn't have enough fight, which is inexcusable for a team like this. Mentally, we weren't in it on the defensive end. They were executing really well. I give them credit. They ran their plays to perfection."
He may be a rookie, but he's giving quotes like a second-year player. Amazing!
"It looks like we've got us a cowboy." Hello, my name is Carlos Boozer, and I'm playing for a new contract! No, seriously, Boozer has become a double-double machine lately. He recently had an Animal Style 20-20 DD, and last night he dropped a 33-point, 16-rebound hammer on the Charlotte Bobcats.
You can't stop him. You an only hope to contain him. Until some idiot gives him a max contract this summer.
In he meantime, Tyrus Thomas continues to illustrate the bizarre conundrum of playing him. On the one hand, he scored 20 points on only eight shots, which is pretty impressive. On the other hand, he had only 3 rebounds in 31 minutes despite his superior height, length and athleticism. In related news, the Bobcats were outrebounded 42-35 and outscored 50-32 in the paint.
"I'm having a shitty day. I'm depressed. Tell me a funny joke." Pacers fans sure feel that way -- especially after the Super Bowl -- but the only joke in town is their basketball team. The Pacers are a porous defensive team that tries to compensate with a bipolar offense that works only if they're hitting three-pointers. Check this. Indy missed 20 shots at the rim and went 0-for-12 from 16 to 23 feet. However, they went 13-for-29 on threes and 23-for-25 at the line. So despite barely hitting 40 percent of their field goals, they had an Effective Field Goal Percentage of almost 50 and scored 110 points.
Too bad they gave up 120.
"Ahh, fuck you! I'm sweatin' my ass off draggin' your fuckin' rope around. Must weigh thirty pounds." The Houston Rockets were playing above average ball all season, thanks to hard work and a plucky, can-do attitude. And nobody embodied that ideal any more than Carl Landry, who, as you probably already know, was sent to Sacramento at the trade deadline.
His "replaceent," Kevin Martin, has...ahem...struggled a bit. Kind of like a worm covered in salt. Not that I ever did that as a kid or anything. The Blue Light Special went 0-for-5 in the first half, after which Houston was down by 20. He was 1-for-9 late in the thirq quarter before scoring six straight points in a Rockets mini-run. But the end result -- a 110-92 loss in which Dwight Howard went 11-for-11 from the field nd broke Shaq's old franchise record by recording his 19th straight double-double -- wasn't even remotely shocking.
Said Shane Battier: "It's obvious we are a team in search of a new identity and it's like an exhibition game for us but they count. We were trying to get guys on the same page. We will get it. I am confident we will get it."
Added Rockets coach Rick Adelman: "We have to figure out how we're going to win. We just lost whatever confidence we really had. We just kind of lost everything, I think with everything that's happened we just don't seem to play with the same energy and enthusiasm that we had before. We have to find a way to get that back."
Sorry, Rick. No takebacks. Landry is gone.
"Oh, fuck you! I'm not the rope-totin' Charlie Bronson wannabe that's getting us fucking lost!" When the Philadelphia 76ers resigned Allen Iverson, he was supposed to add a little Charles Bronson to their team: scoring, swagger, toughness. But he's nowhere to be found. For "personal reasons." So the Sixers are shorthanded -- no Willie Green (left shoulder), Francisco Elson (hernia surgery), or Jason Smith (right ankle sprain) -- and the Suns strolled in for one of those "take care of business" wins.
Steve Nash returned from a one-game absence to watch the Canadian hockey team play deal with bask spasms, scoring 20 points (8-for-9) and dishing out 13 assists. It was his 11th game of the season with 20-plus points and 10-plus assists. Not bad for a little, old dude with a bad back and a bum abdomen.
And how 'bout those Suns (36-23)? They've won 10 of 12 and are 13 games over .500 for the first time since the end of the 2007-08 season. Phoenix is 5-1 since the All-Star break and 18-2 when Jason Richardson scores at least 20 points.
He's not going to come anywhere close to winning the MVP, but, really, considering their personnel and the circumstances, this is Captain Canada's best work.
"Wyatt-Fuck'n-Earp!" This one goes out to Kevin Durant, whose streak of games with 25-plus points ended at 29. According to ESPN Stats and Information, it was tied for the third-longest 25-plus point streak in NBA history by a forward and was the longest in the NBA since Michael Jordan's 40-game streak in 1986-87.
Look, nobody was any more critical of Durant the last few years than I was. Didn't like his game, didn't like his pansy rebounding stats, didn't like the fact that his team seemed to play better without him. Well, dude has blossomed into a superstar. I concede that...and really enjoy watching him play.
Now that I've eaten a little crow and kissed a little ass, let's watch Manu Ginobili send KD's shit back on a critical possession.
Okay. I feel better now.
Said the Durantuala: "All clean, I can't take credit away from him. He made a great block. When I was at the rim, he just met me there, his hand was inside the rim and he got it."
Uh, yeah, for the record: Not inside the rim.
"You know what they say: People in glass houses sink sh-sh-ships." No NBA house has been glassier since, well, ever than the one the Clippers live in. But -- this season, anyway -- the Pistons are more than a match for team dysfunction. But I guess that's what happens when your GM pulls a classic Clipper-y move and spents $90+ million on two bench players. Why not just take bags of money to the zoo, soak them in chum and feed 'em to the animals?
The Motor City Stank is definitly rubbing off on Rip Hamilton. The Phantom of Auburn Hills entered the game having hit 51 free throws in a row -- 11 short of the franchise record held, ironically, Joe Dumars himself -- and then went 2-for-8. Even worse, he shanked all three fouls shots after getting fouled on three-point attempt with 7.9 seconds left in the game. Six missed freebies -- including those critical three bonks -- by a guy who never misses is kind of a big deal in a six-point loss.
Said Rip: "At one point in time, I thought I couldn't miss a free throw. And then tonight I miss six. But it happens. That's the game for you. Just when you think that you can't miss, a game like this happens. It's crazy."
Added Tayshaun Prince: "It shouldn't have come down to that, but that's what happened. That's why you've got to play good for 48 minutes and not let the other team hang around long enough to make big shots and big plays at the end of the game. We stopped our flow, and that was it."
Bonus stat: The Pistons came into this contest shooting a league-worst 29.4 percent from beyond the arc. Mind you, this was after they spent $55 million on Ben Gordon, one of the league's premier three-point assassins.
Personally, I think Larry Brown would rather drown in his own vomit after eating a plate full of tuna burritos than have to deal with one more career NBA fuckup. But then again, Michael "I once used the first overall draft pick on Kwame Brown and later took Adam Morrison with the third overall pick" Jordan is co-running this team, so anything is possible.
"Good shooting, shitty shooting." That quote kind of describes Matt Bonner's career. One night he hits, the next night...well...not so much. But he has a secondary career as a food reviewr. I shit you not. Check out the archives of [cue Indiana Jones music] The Sandwich Hunter! Thanks to chris for the link. Speaking of chris...
Lacktion report: Here's his lacktion report.
Wolves-Hawks: Darko Milicic, now free to lack it up, did make four blocks and two boards in 10:14 - counting that however with a brick and three fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl. Alexsandar "Sasha" Pavlovic bricked twice in 5:55 and took a rejection as well as a foul for a +4 suck differential.
For the dirty birds, THE Mario West continues to be the most famous videogamer in the Association, getting burned by Fryguy with a foul in 21 seconds for a namesake Mario that ALSO earned him a +1!
Frail Blazers-Raptors: Patrick Mills and Jeff Pendergraph tossed spiky shells at each other for 51 seconds to serve as Mario Twins!!!!!
Grizzlies-Bullets: DeMarre Carroll is really racking the 1UP credits these last three nights, this time with a 7 second Super Mario (his third straight 8-bit appearance) that also involved a foul for a +1! And Quinton Ross, providing the same null-star qualities in the District that he once showed for Mark Cuban, fired off three blanks (one from the Old Post Office) for a +3 in 11:07!
Magic-Rockets: Jordan Hill climbed into the ledger tonight with a +1 via brick in 2:02.
Thunder-Spurs: Byron Mullens fouled once in 5:57 for a +1, also worthy of a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl. Matt Bonner shared the same statline in just 1:22!
If the Cancer is supposed to be Charles Bronson, I guess the rest of us get to be the Giggler for a day!!!!!!
The Giggler sounds like a rejected Batman villain. Or is that just me?
You wouldn't happen to have a spare Plarxor Ray laying around, would you? I need it for....something.
Uhm, in my other pants.
[Really wants to know what "something" is...]
why is your favorite quote a common prayer?
That's a fair question. It's not the prayer so much as how they deliver it and the times at which it is said in the movie.
I agree: Basketbawful could be part of what saves the NBA. Who do I talk to about that...?
Also, WTF, NBA? Really?! How the hell could straws be against the rules?? What rule??
Speaking of The Giggler, here's a great take-off on his death scene in the classic Death Wish 3. My college roommate and I used to reference the excellently-delivered "They killed the Giggler, man!" line for no good reason way too often, and it never failed to make us smile. Glad to see someone take it a step further.
Second, Simmons' article is strange. I'm normally a supporter of Simmons stuff, but adjusting ticket prices by percentage based on team performance? wtf? And his anti-tanking proposal is still not good. This last article was just bad.
The paupers are not even a top team for lacktion so not really much to look forward to in that regard.
Didn't watch postgame!! Anybody got vid??
Just another reason to root against the Crabs.
Wanna bet Varejao commando under that Snuggie. Those wacky Brazilians...
also, i dont know if this vid has been posted here: http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/blog/ball_dont_lie/post/TBJ-Does-Dallas-All-Star-Valentine-s-Day;_ylt=Ai9SC94rewMtkhHI2QnH77W8vLYF?urn=nba,219574
funny als hell, especially the dirkster. gotta love that guy.
meanwhile...as Bawful so succinctly reminded myself and Dan B. yesterday, the likelihood of anyone with a modicum of talent considering the River City is more remote than the likelihood of Clay Bennett apologizing to the residents of the Puget Sound area. So, to paraphrase the words of Matt McHale: Technical Writer, "Petrie will probably overpay someone as a result, like what happened with Gordon/Villanueva."
We can do it, guys! $50 million for 5 years to get Steve Novak in purple!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gosh. I'm sorry to offend you. You're right. Kobe definitely should have taken all those shots. No reason to run a buch of post plays for guys shooting 60+ percent from the field. I was blinded by irrational hate. Please forgive me.
Yet, hardly even gave this a passing mention. As soon Kobe has a bad game, you latch onto it.
You do realize that this is a blog about bad basketball, not good basketball, right? You can go anywhere and read about how awesome of a game somebody had. Not many places are willing to detail how bad a player and/or team played, and make it funny.
Also, Bawful and I don't deny that Kobe is insanely talented. We both seem to have the same opinion though -- he's very prone to playing less-than-smart, selfish basketball at times, taking too many bad, contested jumpers, etc.
This is slightly inaccurate. The key bawfulness was his first quarter. Kobe went 0-5. These weren't contested threes either, but mainly bunnies that he normally hits that just didn't go down.
After going 0-5, Kobe went 9-18. I think that's respectable. The bawfulness really came from Haywood's containment of Gasol, Odom and Bynum on the boards.
And I find myself frustrated at why Fisher and Kobe take so many shots opposed to forcing the ball to Odom, Gasol and Bynum, but I think the triangle dictates the flow of the offense and most times if any of the latter three get the ball in the post, they are usually met with some additional defensive help. The smart play is to throw it back to the perimeter. Hence the unusual amount of shots for characters like Fisher, Brown and Farmar.
Also, Dirk's my favourite player, but last night's Lakers-Mavs game just reminded me again of this - Dirk Nowitzki has the most unstopptable fadeaway in the NBA. Agree? Doesn't matter who's on him, he's just too tall, has too great of a trajectory and arc, and possess am amazing shot.
He's got that post-up, spin-the-opposite-way-and-then-fade thing DOWN.