Some intrepid videographers created a short film called "11 Guys You'll Always Find Playing Pickup Basketball." It's a great list, although not comprehensive -- they're missing The Old Guy, The Wanna Be Pro, Mr. Makes Up His Own Rules, The Mad Bomber, The All-Day Dribbler, Hot-Potato Passer Guy, and so on. Some of my favorites characters in this video are Rulebook Jones, Never Fouls Guy, Mr. Excuses, and the Hypothetical Dunker.

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Blogger Pete Fresh said...
Oh my god... I am a hypothetical dunker. I'm so ashamed.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I'm totally the Quick Skins Guy.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I am baller the kid :DD

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Heh. I've been "Mr. Excuses" for laughs before.

"My Grandmother died today man. Messed me up..." "My OTHER Grandmother died yesterday. Up all night...", "My dog died this morning. Grandma landed right on him." etc, etc...

Or an ever-more-serious litany of physical ailments. People don't mind until you move from the 'bad knees' and 'bad back' zone to various infectious plagues and/or a prolapsed anus. (THAT was a winning punchline in one game, man!)

Anonymous Anonymous said...
this clip is missing the most annoying and irritating of all pickup ballers to play with: kobe guy. you know, the guy who never passes and takes horrible shots, shooting about 10 percent.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I took a basketball course for a P.E credit last semester, and there was seriously every single one of these in the class. My favorite was bad gear guy because there was one dude in my class that played a full game in flip flops. They totally forgot pervert guy though, the one that always tries to "steal" the ball but "accidently" grabs your boobs. (This only applies when girls are playing)

Blogger jshortt said...
Wow, that's my buddy Josh in the video (red shirt)! He's a stand-up comedian. Not what I expected to see in my weekly visit to Basketbawful.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
best video ever. i think i laughed up a vital organ when the never fouls guy mentioned the octagon.

when you play with females, always be wary of scratching post gal. you know, the one who feels her nails are part of good defense.

pete fresh, you have nothing to be ashamed about. there are lots of hypothetical dunkers that make it as far as the nba.

basketbawful, summers at work are SLOW so i just finished reading your entire archive. i can't tell if my life changed for the better or worse, but it sure as hell got a whole lot funnier. thanks!

Blogger B-Will said...
I can't believe this came out the same day I wrote about the seven people you meet in pickupbasketball.

These guys did an awesome job of it, not to mention mr. basketbawful's breakdowns from earlier. I bow.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Please allow my humble additions from the far east. Growing up in Taiwan, there were always the slantaro versions of all of the aforementioned persona, though the following short list deserve some ink.

1. Pretty Boy - you know, the one that comes to the court all gelled up and skin-tight garbed. Alway avoiding any contact possible. Nearly always accessorized with over-the-top non-sports gears. Ankle chains, leather bracelets and often really nice compartmentalized satchel. Although I have not seen many of these in America.

2. The Perpetual Trash-Talker - Can never stop dishing garbage, whether his man is in play or not. This is a global constant, but since the Chinese language is often more poetic than intended, I've even heard haiku (remember, the japanese stole most of their culture back in the 7th century from the chinese) or metered versions of trash.

3. The Book Worm - pretty much exclusively an Asian phenomenon, primarily because there are not enough jocks to fill the gyms over there. This one won't even attempt the badly imitated pro moves that give pickup b-ball its place in life. Incredible is the aggravation for those who at least want to run around and get some competitive plays. And no satisfaction from stuffing, essentially speaking, a 3rd grade-level player.

4. The Nationalist - crosses into the realm of hybridization. This guy berates everyone for wanting to be a foreigner and consequently causing the downfall of one's own nation. Kinda marrying the trash-talker with politics guys. Then eventually moves into why sucking up to the white devils or the superjacked black athletes are a direct effect of one's diminishing patriotism and moral constitution. The worst moments playing with him comes when a accidental outstanding play falls in favor of him, and you have to hear his telling you how a native product is always superior to a fako foreign one. Then some more political wisecrack aimed at your supposedly insecure self-image.

5. The Street Thug - differentiated from the North American type, where do-rags, falling pants held up by gunmetal spacers along with tats exemplify the lifestyle. The slantaro version involves driving up to the courts in a black foreign sedan, with mirror windows and a street-walker type in the passenger seat. But he most likely will play in dollar-sandals (the kind you see in Chinatown here, with double-reinforced plastic bands up front that cramps the toes, not the thonged variety ubiquitous to this region), pleated dress-pants with 70% or more synthetic material composition and a white T/beater. In place of gold chains and medallions are jade counterparts and most bizarre of all, long pinkie-nails that warn you never to question his sexuality or face a couple of stab wounds. In some cases, you will find a posse who are interested in offering indecent proposals to your female friends, if any is present. Or just want to rough up the ones who are not on the court. Never, ever play D on this one. Though sometimes that can cause them to threaten you on the grounds that you disrespect their skills. On second thought, better to just pack up and go if you ever encounter such an instance during your travels abroad.

6. The Real-Life Entertainer - Ever since one crappy Taiwanese singer discovered that by stuffing multiple syllables of Chinese words quickly and without regards to form into a crude R & B guitar riff, one can make the Asian pop-culture lovers simply eat that shit up. There has never been a shortage of star cameos in the higher profile pickup courts. This dude's parallel but equal love for doing jigs on stage and basketball somehow is echoed by all other merry-making, variety-show-appearing and makeup-ridden pansies to try their luck at slinging the rock. Except no matter how good they are, they are only South-Asian, so at best they have a first step and a shot. And no, Yao Ming is not only not the norm, but most Chinese-gened Asian players are of essentially the same type, if you squint your eyes when watching them. It is incredibly difficult to discern who has more hops or is more physically dominant. My point is, that adding a theatrical tinge to that only makes them seem even more pathetically hilarious.

[Sidenote: the originator of that bad scatting/b-balling category had the ingenuity of filming one of his b-ball outings with no other players as his music video. In his spin moves that left no one in dirt, crossover that broke no ankles, and an amazing computer-enhanced, background-superimposed "dunk", somehow his street rep were elevated to such a point of an amateur pro who chose singing instead of devoting his services to the national team. I am always most embarrassed when contended with that line by one of my childhood buddies whenever I visit home]

7. The Good Old Glory Dude - always sporting a jersey of some old-timer great, which is pretty cool. If not for the choices of those "greats". For some reason, it's always the cheesiest Mark Price, Shawn Bradley, Glenn Robinson type whose play don't even incite the slightest similarity. I am almost always speechless and cannot offer any explanations other than that they might have picked up those jerseys on the cheap back in high school and decided that retroing is hip.