This has nothing to do with basketball, but it's too funny not to post. If you grew up in the middle to late-70s, you probably saw the Shazam! live-action television show. It was about the stirring tale of Billy Batson, a vaguely androgenous teenager struggling to come to terms with his sexual identity. And Billy wasn't alone on his erotic journey. Far from it. He travelled around the country in a kickass Winnebago with a boy-hungry old man known only as "Mentor." Mentor looked like a cross between Mr. Miyagi and...well, he just looked like an older, more perverted Mr. Miyagi.

Billy wasn't your average zit-popping punk. He had a secret, super-awesome power. Whenver he said a single word -- SHAZAM!! -- he was struck by a magical lightning bolt and transformed into Captain Marvel, the "world's mightiest mortal." He really didn't look that mighty, though. He looked more like a creepy sexual predator, only instead of a priest outfit he wore lightning-bolt pajamas and a little cape. He didn't do many super things either. There was an episode where he had to put out a fire, but instead of blowing it out with his super freeze breath, he simply pulled a fire extinguisher off the wall and calmly snuffed the fire. And despite the fact that he could fly (via truly bad special effects), he once had to climb a stepladder to get something off a shelf.

Anyway, I found a clip of the show on YouTube. Billy is hurt and laying semi-conscious in a forest. Frankly, it looks like he's recovering from one of Mentor's intense "tutoring lessons," only Billy must have forgotten the safeword. Anyway, as some nameless brat tries to wake Billy up...a bear attacks!! And by "attack" I mean it slowly walks around the area doing absolutely nothing that is even remotely menacing. In fact, I think it was just looking for a place to go to the bathroom. But the nameless kid tries to save Billy anyway, by leading the bear on a slow and plodding chase. Billy watches his friend run off and listens to him scream for almost two minutes before finally tranforming into Captain Marvel. He then flies to his friend's aid, which consists of him landing and watching as the bear walks off on its own. Captain Marvel then flies back and tranforms into Billy, thereby preserving his super-awesome secret identity.

We're then treated to an inspirational speech from Captain Marvel, who turns his cold, psychotic gaze to the camera and tells us, the viewers, some strange shit about believing in ourselves or something. His is the frightening look of a man who realizes that, "I look like a 47 year-old recently released sex offender. And I'm wearing pajamas. With lightning bolts. God help me...I must kill!!"

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Funny stuff. But seriously, stop trying to be Seanbaby.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
I'll tell you what. The day I start telling you how to be an anonymous douchebag who leaves idiot comments on other people's blogs, then I'll happily accept your advice on who I should or should not try to be. In the meantime, I'll keep your words in mind when I wear the Seanbaby skin suit I finished sewing last made out of 100 percent real Seanbaby!