Basketball Fact #491: No matter how much money a professional basketball player makes, it only takes a couple million more to get them to make a goddamn fool of themselves. For instance...

Shaq underwear
Wear this underwear and KAZAAM!! Your sex life will disappear.

(Take a moment to consider the people responsible for Kazaam underwear. Not only did they think Kazaam would do well enough in theaters to justify the creation of movie-related merchandise, they also thought there would be significant demand for a line of Kazaam-themed children's underwear. No, seriously. They made the logical assumption that children -- not one or two, but multiple children -- would want the image of a laughing, pajama-clad Shaq pressed firmly between their ass-cheeks. Those people are out there somewhere, walking the streets, maybe on a block near you. If you aren't afraid right now, you should be.)

But if you're a basketball fan, all it takes is for someone to make fun of your favorite player for you to stand up and let the world know you're an idiot. Case in point: we received a lot of angry (and, of course, anonymous) comments about our posts mocking Michael Jordan's Flight School video. Most of them read like word soup that had been typed by an illiterate person's elbows. This lead us to conclude that either 1) they all came from Jordan himself, or 2) mentally handicapped people love Michael Jordan. For the sake of everyone's sanity, here's one of the more legible (but still anonymous) ones:
"Your comments should be directed to the idiot that directed/edited the video. This is the equivelent to any other blooper video. I really fail to see the point of your comments aside from using a well known figure to bring attention to your article. Who makes moore bloopers and sound dumber than Bush and you guys elected him as the leader of your nation,(Twice)."
When I need my posts to carry weight, I'll keep all of this in mind. But even if I do decide to send a message to the people of the world, I probably won't take the advice of some anonymous dipshit who left a nonsense comment on my blog. And by the way: Trying to defend Jordan's grammatical ineptitude by saying George W. Bush is an idiot is like defending a pile of vomit by telling everyone that poop smells worse. Sure, it's technically true, but it's also completely retarded.

But enough of Mr. Anonymous and his righteous (if pathetic and misguided) anger. Let's focus on something far more important: how to become a better basketball player. And who better to reveal the dark secrets of basketballistic potentiality than, well, Michael Jordan?

For those of you who accuse me of twisting Jordan's words, or taking them out of context, here's the full and unedited transcript of this clip:

"For all the kids who want to be a better basketball player, I think you should improve your weaknesses to where they become strengths, and at the same time improve your strengths to where you don't have any weaknesses. So work on it well-roundedly, and try to become the best basketball player you can be. And once you get to that level, then you're an MVP in your own mind."
That's the kind of lame, poorly worded advice you'd expect from a fortune cookie. A bad one. But instead of emerging from the bowels of a crisp cookie shell, it's ejaculating from the mouth of an NBA legend. Is Jordan really that stupid? I was puzzling over this last night, and then it hit me. This isn't the kind of laughable failure that comes solely from incompetence. This is a conscious and calculated attack against up and coming basketball players. It's kind of like how the "Birds and the Bees" talk scared you the hell away from sex until your parents had a chance to install bars over your bedroom window. See, Jordan knows the best way to ensure that there's never another Jordan is to sabotage NBA hopefuls at a young and impressionable age. Fill them with meaningless drivel about doing things "well-roundedly," and the only place they'll ever be an MVP is in their own mind. Let's face it, it's either brilliance or stupidity. Or, you know, maybe it's both.

Editorial Extra: Since Michael's advice is so formulaic, I thought I'd improve it using the Fortune Cookie Corollary: namely, by ending each phrase with "in bed." So the new and improved Jordan answer should read something like this:
"For all the kids who want to be a better basketball player in bed, I think you should improve your weaknesses to where they become strengths in bed, and at the same time improve your strengths to where you don't have any weaknesses in bed. So work on it well-roundedly, and try to become the best basketball player you can be in bed. And once you get to that level, then you're an MVP in your own mind in bed."
See? That's, like, 826 percent better and I only added 10 words. They really need to consult us before they shoot these videos.

Advicetastic Extra: Why should Michael Jordan have the monopoly on giving out crappy advice? You too can spout inane proverbs and bring in $2,000 a week from your own home (plus or minus the $2,000). To create a Michael Jordan proverb, start by making a simple statement, and then restate it in reverse. Here are some real life examples to get you started on the road to inspirational speaking:
"To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn."

"He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions."

"When you care what is inside, what is inside cares for you."

"If you to do not learn to master your fear, your fear will become your master."
An official Basketbawful No-Prize goes to anyone who can tell me what movie these quotes come from. Now go out into the world, little grasshopper, and unleashify your inner successivations. But please, do it well-roundedly.
Blogger Todd L said...
Being from Chicago, I have a special place in my heart for MJ. However, I also have a smaller, slightly more "special" place in my heart for

Anonymous Anonymous said...
excellent! if there's more priceless scenes in this vid like those you previously posted here, I've got to get myself of copy.
those who can't stand a little mockery towards Jordan are just humorless assholes, keep it up bastketbawful!
anyway Jordan used up all is brain in the so called "Basketball IQ", no big surprise is dumb when he doesn't speak with a ball in his hands.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
So we shouldn't make fun of Michael Jordan because.....Bush....Jordan.....videotape.....Shaq Underwear....and because Bush was elected twice, that means we can't make fun of Michael Jordan telling kids that they should have no weaknesses because Jordan and Bush have both beat their weaknesses while wearing Shaq Underwear and that makes them all their mind?


Blogger Massage by Ted said...
Remo Williams?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Those lines have to be from a made for TV movie like the brilliantly named "Kung-Fu: The Movie" or some shit; that's gotta be a David Carradine line.

His one-line rhymes and the fact that he could beat somone's ass - while throwing kicks/punches that made it look like he was fighting in water - are what made that series click. Kill Bill? I think he's lucky to even have a fucking job these days

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I'm betting on Karate Kid as the source of those quotes.

As for the "is MJ stupid?" argument; the things he says in that video are remarkably stupid. However, I don't think MJ believes in all that crap he's saying.

I mean, you're the GOAT, are you really gonna share your secrets with the next generation?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I dunno...The newer Star Wars movies? They sound like stuff Yoda would say.