Portland, Oregan bus driver Allen Heckard -- whose anguish-inducing resemblence to NBA legend Michael Jordan forced him to file an $800 million lawsuit against Jordan's wallet -- has officially dropped the lawsuit.

Heckard told the Sports Director of
KGW Northwest NewsChannel 8 (Portland's local NBC affiliate) that dropping the suit was in "everyone's best interest." He had no further comment, but one reporter noted that, immediately after dropping the lawsuit, Heckard began blowing spit bubbles and shitting himself. A Nike spokesman has gone on the record to confirm that the lawsuit has been dropped and that Heckard is "fuckin' cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, dude. I mean, seriously."

An artist's rendition of "Jordan Look-Alike" Allen Heckard.

Special Report: Here's a rundown of KGW Northwest NewsChannel 8's Top 5 Hottest Anchorwomen:

1. Nicole Doll: She's not really that hot, but her lipstick reminded me of the prostitute I lost my virginity to, and that's worth something. Nicole's
bio reads like stereo instructions, so, unfortunately, she's probably pretty average in bed. Oh well.


2. Andrea Cantu: Ms. Cantu came in second because she satisfies that Asian fetish we have. Unfortunately, she's actually Hispanic, so we totally struck out there. We were further confused by her bio, which states she's "a lifelong duck." Well, screw it. We don't care what she is. We'd still sleep with her.


3. Nancy Francis: We didn't choose Nancy third just because she has two first names. She's also wearing glasses, which means we can finally live out that naughty librarian fantasy we masturbate to every Tuesday night.


4. Stephanie Striklen: The pickings are getting slim, which is the only reason a woman like Stephanie could come in number four. It looks like her face has been painted on by a five year-old practicing abstract art with his own bodily waste. She's pretty exciting, too. She enjoys weeding her garden, beading and other craft projects, and taking long walks with her dog, Milo. Stand back, gentlemen...no drooling on my future wife.


5. Amy Troy: When I first typed this out, I spelled "Amy Troll" instead of "Amy Troy," which probably says everything you need to know. When she isn't frightening small children by reading the news, Amy can be found "galloping her horse Buck." So either Amy is an equestrian (Re: someone who likes horseys) or she's a domme into pony play. If it's the latter, she immediately moves up to number one.


Dishonorable Mention -- Jane Smith: While I think it's noble of KGW to hire a post-operative transexual, I don't think being an equal opportunity employer means you have to subject your viewing audience to someone so shockingly monstrous. Seriously, how does someone this ugly end up on a television show other than Ripley's Believe It Or Not? And how about that name? Jane Smith?! If that's not a name a guy would choose after medically transforming into a woman, I don't know what is.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hilarious !!!
One of your best ever!
Looking like a dumb ass myself laughing out loud at the office.