Eddie Griffin is the perfect example of how being insanely athletic and having Unlimited Potential (TM) can keep thugs and criminals out of jail, employed, and making millions of dollars as professional athletes. That wouldn't work for people like you and me, of course. If, for instance, I ran over a meter maid and got caught with illegal narcotics in my car (like NFL star Randy Moss), I would by typing these words from the state penitentiary, where I would no doubt be enjoying a blissful civil union with someone named "Killer" or "Drax The Ass Destroyer."

For those of you unfamiliar with Griffin's storied career as a Lex Luthor's young protege, here's the (somewhat) abbreviated rundown. First, he was expelled during his senior year of high school for fighting a fellow teammate in the school cafeteria. Suprisingly, he still graduated (no doubt because he was a huge local star and had accepted a scholarship to Seton Hall). In college, Griffin struggled with alcohol abuse and allegedly had several verbal and physical confrontations with his teammates.

Eventually, Griffin and his 40-inch vertical leap made it to the NBA. Suddenly surrounded by full-grown men (most of whom could totally kick his ass), he turned to beating up women instead of teammates. On October 25, 2003, he was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and assault causing bodily injury after the 6'10", 250 pound center punched his girlfriend three times in the face and then fired two gunshots at her car as she fled his Houston mansion. What terrible thing did she do to instigate such violent behavior? She found him getting Biblical with another woman. Bitch.

It should be noted that, at the time of the double-assault, Griffin had been suspended from the Rockets for missing several practices and a team flight. Suffice to say, the Rockets cut him...but the New Jersey Nets immediately signed him to a contract (although he never played for them).

Griffin entered an alcohol abuse program in order to avoid imprisonment, but he ended up in jail anyway for continuously violating the curfew terms of his bond -- including an incident in which he tried to run a man over with his SUV during an altercation outside a gas station. The Nets quickly waived Griffin, who, amazingly, was released from jail to enter yet another alcohol abuse program. In March, only a month after he beat up his girlfriend and tried to freaking kill her, he was sentenced to a mere 18 months of probation. In October, he signed with the Minnesota Timberwolves, delcaring himself "a man that's made mistakes, but a changed man."

And I guess he was right. Kind of. He hasn't tried to kill anybody, or punched any hookers (that we know of). But last March, Griffin
crashed his luxury SUV into a parked Suburban outside a store in Minneapolis. Which wouldn't be that big of a deal -- accidents happen, right? -- except that he was drunk and masturbating at the time of the accident.

There's actually video footage of Griffin trying to cut a deal with dude whose car he hit. There are plenty of great quotables, like:

"I can't go to jail."

"Any car in life you want, I got it for you, man."

"I'll pay for it, I promise. Tomorrow, you'll have it tomorrow."

"You want a Hummer? You want a...not a Bentley."

"But it's like I'm, I'm drunk."

When read out loud, these quotes sort of sound like the track listing for a country album. But what do they tell us about Griffin as a person? He wants to avoid jail. Seems reasonable. He's not above bribery. Well, he is a known criminal after all. He'll bribe someone with a Hummer, but won't spring for a Bentley. That's strange, but understandable, since a new Bentley will run you about 100K more than a new Hummer. Oh yeah, and he's a drunk fuck.

Of course, since he's a rich and quasi-famous athlete, the cops didn't test him for alcohol and they even gave him a ride home. To put this into perspective, last year I was driving a drunk friend home from a bar and got pulled over because he was spitting out the window. Even though I'd been the designated driver, the cop put me through about 20 different types of sobriety tests (all of which I passed) before finally forcing me to take a breathalyzer. All because a drunk dude was spitting out my car window. I'm pretty sure that "shoveling" someone's car while drunkenly whacking myself off would have ended with someone's gloved hand up my ass and not a police escort back to my house.

To be honest, most of this is pretty boring stuff. I mean, drunk and disorderly conduct isn't anything new. The masturbation is a nice touch, and sure to induce fits of Beavis and Butthead-style snickering. But what really interests me is what kind of porn Griffin was watching? I mean, was is standard Guy/Girl porn. Was it Girl-on-Girl? Was it fetish porn...a little bondage, maybe, or something hard core like watersports? Whatever it was, it would make a great commercial for the production company. "Our porn is so good, you'll masturbate in the car and cause a major traffic accident...or your money back!!"

All this talk about porn has made me want to watch some. So here's a video of a girl playing with her boobs. No nudity, though. Damn.

Blogger laura the tooth said...
the t-wolves just need to cut eddie loose. how many 2nd chances is he gonna get? i mean, yes, he's insanely athletic. but he's no lebron james or dwayne wade!

why is his ass getting bailed out like this when he has yet to contribute significantly to a playoff series?

well, the t-wolves are kind of desperate, so it's not so surprising that they took a gamble on him. still i expected a higher level of talent and achievement for teams to put up with this bullshit.

Blogger Statbuster said...
It's safe to say that buying a portable dvd player for your dashboard and offering to buy Hummers for complete strangers to avoid jail time is the worst use of a multimillion dollar contract I've heard in a while. Could he at least ponyed up for a hooker, like any other self-respecting athlete?!?