Stacy Elizabeth Beshear, eh? Yeah, right. Rearrange a few letters, add a couple more letters, and that name is simply an anagram for "Larry Bird." Talk about your bizarre and unexpected plot twists. Larry...why?

Ugly as a man. Uglier as a woman.
Well, at least now I understand why Larry, a lifelong Celtic, called Luke, a Laker, to wish him luck in this year's NBA Finals. Obsession makes you do crazy things sometimes.

Labels: Larry Bird, Luke Walton, no freaking way, stalking

...who would stalk Luke Walton? Well, here's the answer (via Deadspin):

Bloargh!
Her name: Stacy Elizabeth Beshear, 34, of El Segundo, California. Her game: Stalking the hell out of the Son of Walton. For a year. According to Sgt. Steve Tobias of the Manhattan Beach Police Department: "She had been following him to his practice site and following him home and repeatedly asking him to sign basketballs after he'd already done so. At one point, she got upset and was taking a Sharpie pen to his vehicle after he refused to sign a soccer ball."

It didn't end with those fun and games, though. On September 15, Beshear "crossed the line" by following Walton to the house of Lakers teammate Jordan Farmar and pulling up next to him. Said Tobias: "She was following him for a large part of the day and at one point drove side by side with him and gestured at him, extended her hand out the window and acted like she was cocking a gun."

As you can imagine, this behavior freaked Walton the hell out: "It's bananas. I'll be going to sleep at night and just randomly look out the window. Just to check. Just because. She has been out there at 12:30, 1:30 in the morning. She would park outside my house for hours and hours. I would drive out, and I would see her peeking through. It would suck, because I know I'm leaving my home, and I know she's still there. What am I supposed to do? Is she planning on breaking in? Am I going to come home one day and she's sleeping in my bed? Is she going to steal my dog? You try not to think about it. But every time I see a black Honda now, I'm like, 'Is that her?' I'll slow down and look. It's like every day. There are a billion of these cars. Since I've noticed her, I've noticed these cars are everywhere. It's like I'm going paranoid like some movie character."

The source of the woman's insanity? Why, the trammels of unrequited love, of course. According to Walton, this is what crazy stalker lady said during her fake gun attack: "She told me that we belong together. And then she started flipping out about all sorts of stuff. She said she wanted to move to San Diego, but people wouldn't let her. I was like, 'What people?' She's like, 'The people! The people in the universe! They won't let me move, because they say you and I are supposed to be together.' I was like, 'Oh, wow. She's crazy.'"

Maybe that'll teach Luke the dangers of having such beautiful, glistening hair and powerful, rippling muscles. Sorry, where was I? Oh, yeah. Click here for even more of the whacky details.

Update! If Stacy is as batshit insane as I think she is -- and let's face it, she might go to jail for stalking Luke Walton, and that's pretty damn crazy -- what's she going to do when she finds out about Luke's threeway tryst with Karl Malone and Horace Grant? I'm not saying that she's going kill them and make clothes out of their skin, but if Grant or the Mailman find a bunny boiling on their stove someday, the police might want to give Stacy a ring. (Thanks to eljpeman for the reminder.)

How do you eat your Oreo cookie?

Labels: crazy people, holy crap, Luke Walton, mucho crazy, stalking

Shaq's been served! With a (temporary) restraining order, that is. The crime? Terror, dear readers. Terror.

Alexis Miller -- a 23-year-old hippity-hop artist known as MaryJANE -- was granted a large stack of anti-Shaq paperwork based on her allegations that the Big Creepy "stalked her, threatened her with bodily harm and made harassing phone calls in which he breathed heavily into the phone before hanging up." (To be fair, the heavy-breathing may or may not have been intended as a threat. It's possible Shaq was on his cell phone and had just finished doing something very strenuous, like trudging up a flight of stairs or maybe walking ten feet.)

Miller, who's supposedly known Shaq for about a year and a half, has allegedly been "intimate" with him for the last six to eight months. (Quick question: What does she mean by "six to eight months"? That's, like, a two-month margin of error. Now, I've never had sex with Shaq, but it seems to me that being penetrated by his giant, terrifying dong is something that wouldn't easily fade from one's memory. I'm just sayin'.) Miller claims she ended their relationship last month, and that Shaq then threatened to pay performers $50,000 each not to work with her...even though many of them had already been doing it for free.

Miller's attorney, L. David Wolfe (isn't that a pefect lawyer name?), said: "It's been very difficult for her. Her fears are not only for herself, but also the people around her." (Apparently, he feels Shaq could be capable of brutal, multiple-victim rampage. And, now that I think about it, he's probably right.) Wolfe added that Miller is "pretty traumatized." Not just traumatized, mind you. She's pretty traumatized. (In legal terms, "pretty" is like a money multiplier when determining the eventual payout.)

Now here's the moneyshot: The court affadavit quotes an e-mail from Shaq in which the Big Shakespeare said: "I dnt no who the fuk u think u dealin wit u will neva be heard from one phone call is I gotta make now try me. Sho me."

No way was Miller going to put up with that. After all, her MySpace page clearly and emphatically states "No Bitchassness."

The restraining order prohibits Shaq from having any contact or even coming within 200 yards of Miller or her 19-month-old son. (Because Shaq is a notorious child murderer.) Miller and Shaq must appear before Fulton County Superior Court Judge Karen Woodson on September 4 to determine whether the restraining order should be changed from "temporary" to "longer than temporary." Call me crazy, but my Spider-sense is predicting an out-of-court settlement on or before that date.

[Thanks to Basketbawful reader Michael for the head's up.]

Labels: legal problems, Shaq, stalking