How good a pickup baller are you really? The answer may notbe obvious. It'll be even less obvious after you read this.
Since Basketbawful's tank is on Empty today (waiting for the season to start can be so very maddening), he asked me to expound on the pick-up basketball equations I introduced on Friday.

It's all very simple. You can't fudge physics or math, so just pay attention to these hard, fast rules and you too will be able dominate -- or at least understand why you're not dominating -- your next pick-up basketball game.

Basically, an average player in this system has a value of 1 and an everage team a value of 5.
A perfectly average team in this system is thus:

Team 1
1 + 1 + 1 + 1 +1 = 5

However, not all teams that equal 5 are treated equally:

Team 2
.6 + .6 + .8 + 1.5 + 1.5 = 5

This team equals 5, but it could be better, or it could be worse than Team 1. Specifically:

A. Will the .6's be able to distribute the ball to 1.5's?

B. Will their opponents play help defense and ultimately negate the 1.5's, who, for lack of a better offensive option, will have to attempt a bad shot in the face of a double team?

C. Are the 1.5's ball-handlers? If so, they can more easily minimize the number of times the .6's get the rock.

Result: Uncertain.

We must now consider other factors, such as the condition of the court. A badly swept court, which does not allow more talented players to make quick moves to the basket, may lower the quality of play more for better players. Now Team 2 above looks as follows:

.5 + .5 + .7 +1.1 + 1.1 = 3.9

Meanwhile, Team 1, comprised of average players who are equally affected by the poor conditions, looks like this:

.9 + .9 + .9 + .9 +.9 = 4.5

Result: Team 1 wins.

Now, playing outside can involve:

1. An uneven court, where (c) equals the number of cracks in the pavement

2. Wind, where (w) equals the wind gust mph and (z) equals wind shear.

3. Sunlight, where (s) equals the brightness of the sun as compared to (L) it's location in the sky as it relates to the backboard.

4. Distractions, where (B) equals the quality of babes watching from the sidelines.

The following equation should be self-explanatory:

3.9 - (c) * (w + z/2) / (s + L + B) = 4.5 - (c) - *(w + z/2) / (s + L + B)

Result: Obvious.

Also factor in the mental state of the players (m). For example, did Mr. 1.5 just have a fight with his wife? Did he lose his job? Are his kids driving him up a wall? This circumstance halves his ability in most cases:

1.5/2m = .75

Occasionally, however, a player uses pickup basketball as a glorious escape from the torture of his sorry life. This can actually improve his play marginally:

1.5 * m * kids' grade-point average / volume of wife's voice + (monthly salary - monthly mortgage payment) /result of on-the-side girlfriend's pregnancy test = 1.6

And, of course, even the best player can use bad judgement and have too much to eat for dinner (D) before basketball (Hey, I like lasagna. Sue me.), which can of course, adversely affect his speed and emotional state (yes, your emotions also take a hit when you constantly feel like you're going to vomit).

The equation that takes all of these factors into account is simple. Note that lesser players are not as adversely affected, because they already kinda suck:

((1.5/(D+m)) + (1.5/(D+m)) + (.8/(D+m-.75)) + (.6/(D+m-1)) + (.6/(D+m-1)))

And if they are playing outside:

((1.5/(D+m)) + (1.5/(D+m)) + (.8/(D+m-.75)) + (.6/(D+m-1)) + (.6/(D+m-1))) - (c) * (w + z/2) / (s + L +B)

Well, there you have it. Simple math. I hope I have managed to strip the essence of basketball down to its...uhm...essence...in a way that even Red Auerbach, the master of simplicity, never could.

Labels: basketball, math, simple

As some of you may already know, Basketbawful and I were sent by our Clark Kent job employers to the graffiti-strewn yet charming hamlet of Pisa, Italy for two weeks of grueling labor, peppered with brief glimpses of sweet, almost vacation-like freedom.

Bawful and I pride ourselves on being able to identify an opportunity, especially when said opportunity smashes us in the face with a shovel. This trip was, quite clearly, a rare chance to bring our special brand of mediocre entertainment to you on a global scale.

Here, we bring you Part One of our video, in which we conduct a not-very-exhaustive-at-all search for the sport of basketball in Pisa. Enjoy.

Labels: basketball, Basketbawful, Evil Ted, Italy, part one, pisa, search