The rest of the game wasn't any prettier

Cleveland: The Suns were the latest team to play the hit new game show Who Wants to Beat the Cleveland Cavaliers. Varejao continued building his case for martyrdom, contributing 20 points and 18 rebounds in another dreary loss. Jermaine O'Neal fell a point short of scoring in double digits for 6 straight games. That wasn't a joke, he actually had a scoring streak going.

Jared Dudley, Grizzly slighting machine: Dudley may have slighted the Grizzlies, but he was right about one thing in the following quote, the Suns are not the best team in the West.

We're not Oklahoma City. We're not the best team in the West, but we can play better and we can come home above .500.

I don't know if Dudley doesn't know the Griz have the best record because of not checking the standings lately, or maybe he just figures 'let's not kid ourselves'. Either way, if I was Dudley, I wouldn't be expecting my yearly Christmas card from Zach Randolph. 

Fruit Basket Alert: A donation basket was passed around the Phoenix locker room after the game. The lucky planned recipient this time, is none other than Kyrie Irving, who the Suns wanted to thank for breaking his left index-finger. Scola spoke with Basketbawful reporters after the game.

I really don't know if we could've gotten this win if Kyrie was playing. So we wanted to make sure to thank him for his timely injury. All the guys were really nervous about the record, (the Suns avoided their worst road start in 10 years with this win) so this win was huge. Maybe now, we can all get some sleep without constant prank calls from Dan Majerle. 

At this point Scola excused himself from the interview, so he could grab a large piece of raw meat. He then walked over to an open fire and shoved his fist and forearm into the flames. He stood there cooking his meal intently, with sweat forming on his brow and a look of excruciating pain on his face. At this point, one of our reporters, a middle-aged bespectacled gentleman in a fedora hat, asked Scola if he wouldn't want a skewer of some sort. Scola made a grunting noise and charged him, causing the reporter to run in terror. As he looked back, he saw that Chris Kaman had followed the scent of burning meat to the fire, and the two large men were battling each other for the hunk of meat, presumably mammoth, that lay smoldering in the flames. 

$16 million would bring a smile to your face too

Money well spent: In Tuesday's win against the Mavericks, the two largest salaries for the 76ers were being paid to Andrew Bynum (playing with his hair) and Elton Brand (playing against them). It was a bold strategy. Surprisingly, it actually paid off.

The Mavericks: Elton Brand got in a 17 point revenge game against the team that amnestied him, but the 6ers were able to escape with the night's last laugh. Both Philadelphia forwards felt pretty comfortable facing Dallas, as the Thaddeus-Turner tandem only took 26 attempts to tally 42 points. But Philadelphia couldn't have done it without a big 10 points from frequent lacktion contributor Maalik Wayns. Maalik is the only 6er making under half a million this year. With all the money being spent on inactive and opposing players, I'm sure the front office was glad to get a little bang for their buck.

The Raptors: This time it was the Houston Rockets who took it upon themselves to demonstrate that life is easier when you're playing Toronto. Lin and Harden combined for 40 points, 22 assists, and 6 steals. Bargnani bounced back from the worst game of his career, inverting his 12 attempts into 21 points; but as we've seen before, the Raptors don't tend to win when Bargnani plays well. Then again, when a team is 3 and 12, they don't tend to win at all.   

Suns-Cavs: Kendall Marshall missed once in 2 minutes and 33 seconds for a +1 suck differential. While an opposing Cavalier, Donald Sloan, went for a cool 3 trillion.

Rockets-Raptors: Linas Kleiza's 2 fouls, 1 brick, and 1 turnover netted him a +4 suck differential in 5 minutes and 8 seconds. For the Rockets, Terrence Jones and Donatas Motiejunas became on screwball Mario brother comedy in 1:03 a piece.

 

The Wizraelites: That's twelve straight losses for the long suffering tribe of Unseld. The suffering has grown so severe, it's even starting to bring out human emotions in Gregg Popovich. As told by the AP:

About 15 minutes after his San Antonio Spurs handed the Washington Wizards their 12th straight defeat, Spurs coach Gregg Popovich bumped into his Wizards counterpart, Randy Wittman in the hall. Popovich put his hand on Wittman's shoulder and wished him luck. Wittman will need more than consoling.

I wonder what the AP had in mind. A handgun? Sleeping pills? Access to some place that's really high?

Why hast thou forsaken me?

Unseld's Tribe has been wandering in the winless desert so long, many of them now know no other way of life. Kevin Seraphin tried to deliver manna to his hungry people in the form of 18 points, but the ancient Wizraelites complained that he took 19 shot attempts. He then proclaimed, "looketh upon the bounty of my 7 rebounds", and they cried unto him: "How hast thou brought us this pox of 3 turnovers?" And Seraphin preached of his 4 steals and 2 blocks, and the long wandering Wizraelites awaited their deliverence in the hushed dark.

There are some, such as doubting Thomas, Bradley Beal (4-13), who do not know if they believe in the existence of Victory, having never witnessed it in the NBA.  There are others, such as A(ndrew) J(ohn) Price who kept the flame of his faith lit with 11 points, 5 rebounds, and 7 assists. It's too bad the Wizards don't have Wesley Matthews or Thaddeus Young. They really need all the guys named after apostles they can get. Further depressing the already disturbed morale, Nene's head was served on a silver platter to Salome, after she had danced the dance of the 7 veils (DNP, foot).

The Bulls: The Bucks came back from 27 down to beat the Bulls 93-92. This 1 point victory ended a 9 game losing streak to their generally superior Midwestern rival. The Bulls wasted a big night from the former Phantom of Auburn Hills. Rip had 30. Only 2 games removed from his season high 21 points, Nate Robinson is back to playing under 10 minutes a game.

I'm so glad this pic of Ersan as Kim Jong Il exists

In an odd twist of events, Ilyasova dragged the Broped to victory this time around. Monta and Brandon combined for 16 points on 19 attempts. Ersan recovered from his traumatic weekend, and seemed newly motivated with his best night of the season, 18 points, 6 rebounds, a block and a steal. Unfortunately, since he's been playing so poorly, he only received 22 minutes, the 5th smallest amount of minutes he's had in 12 games. He wasn't the only Buck forward making it happen, John Henson scored 11 points, and Ekpedeme Friday Udoh, who, despite what his name might suggest, was born in Oklahoma, also contributed 11 points, along with 6 rebounds, and 5 blocks, all in about 7 more minutes than Ersan.

Fictional late night hosts: Not every forward participated in this resurgence, as neurotic late-night host Larry Sanders brought up the rear for the Bucks with 2 points in a dozen minutes. We all know Larry can get a little insecure, so other forwards playing well likely caused this case of showbiz jitters.

Both the Cavaliers and the Grizzlies: The league's top team defeated the Cavs by a score of 84 to 78. Moving on...

The Trailblazers, newest fallen Pistons foe: Games can be little universes unto themselves. Damian Lillard, who's scoring nearly 20 points a night, might've entered this game the NBA's top scoring rookie, but by the time he'd missed his first 13 shots, a secret ceremony in David Stern's basement had already confirmed Anthony Davis as the Rookie of the Year. Nobody told Kyle Singler, who played easily his best game yet as a professional. The rookie only missed once on his way to 16 points, 10 rebounds, and 5 assists.

Brandon Knight, playing under the assumption that there's a Sophomore of the Year Award, scored 27 points, and Greg Monroe threw in 20 and 10. A head-scratching 7 players on the Pistons scored in double digits. I'd make fun of the Blazers some more, but the Pistons now are actually 4 of their last 7. So technically, they're on pace with the Knicks.


 


A House Divided: When they're not busy booing rap legends, the fans in Brooklyn are still trying to figure who it is exactly that they're cheering for, especially on nights like this. Hurricane Sandy postponed, but could not stop, this more relevant than ever meeting between cross-something or other-rivals. According to the AP, we are witnessing the Knight's fan-base climbing out of the primordial ooze.

With their fans outnumbering and at times outchanting the Knicks' counterparts for a change, the Nets improved to 7-1 in their new home before a sellout crowd of 17,732 that was more black than blue, just the way the Nets hoped.

It's nice of the uniform colors to warn New York fans; whichever team you chose, it's gonna eventually feel like somebody just kicked your ass. They might've switched which river the Knicks cross when leaving Manhattan Island, but the result remains the same, sloppy basketball and animosity. Yankee-hating Avery Johnson drew on the genteel drawl of a southerly example.

I don't think it's so much of a Duke-North Carolina rivalry yet, but hopefully one day it'll get there.

Maybe more like an inter-squad practice of the '95 Tar Heels. Surprisingly, zombie Stackhouse (14 points) got the better of his former Beer Pong closer Rasheed Wallace. This may have stemmed from their divergent reactions to the reunion. Stackhouse saw Sheed and it made him feel young again, while Sheed saw Stackhouse and spent the rest of the game stewing over that dollar Stackhouse "borrowed" 17 years ago for the UNC gym's vending machines. Of course, both players are young men compared to Kurt Thomas, who was in a Knicks uniform. The Knicks don't actually pay Thomas, but he stays on in an Milton in Office Space capacity, sporadically muttering about burning down the arena. Other super-old-guy Jason Kidd was out with back spasms, which he triggered reaching for a remote to turn-down the overly loud ads during an episode of Matlock.

The Nuggets: I kinda feel responsible for the Nuggets' 2 point loss to the Jazz. I know, it's irrational to think that anything I might've done affected the outcome of a professional sporting event, but such is the intersection of superstition and guilt. When the Kings lost to the Jazz, I wrote:

...a team playing Jamaal Tinsley over 30 minutes has problems, but a team that loses to a team that's busy giving big minutes to the Silver Bullet might as well write the league and asked to be re-assigned to another country...

I've admitted before that I enjoy what the Nuggets bring to the table. I think they have the potential to establish something unique with this squad. And by unique I didn't have in mind them losing to a team that played Jamaal Tinsley thirty-five minutes and eighteen seconds. And by unique, I definitely didn't have in mind-letting Jamaal Tinsley run a Silver Bullet Express Train on them for 15 points and 6 assists, with 3 threes, 2 steal, and 2 blocks!!!  So, by my own rules, one of the teams I had high hopes for now has to be kicked out of the country. I should really stop advocating exile.

The Clippers: Blake Griffin had the worst night of his career and the Clippers ended the Hornets' seven game losing streak. Not even Caron Butler hitting a career high 9 threes could save them. Need I say more?

The Bobcats: I started developing Vertigo trying to calculate how thoroughly the Thunder pulverized Puss & Boots up Ass. After lying on the ground for a while, and swooning briefly into Barbara Bel Geddes arms, the number 45 was settled on. It's fitting, because after this game, the Bobcats need a 45. And by that I mean a record...to listen to while they reach for a 45. And by that I mean the drink Colt 45...which is just to steady their nerves before they reach for another 45. And by that I mean a large gun to blow their collective brains out. So I guess the Bobcats need three 45s. The only good thing the Bobcats did, was score-an easy to snicker at 69 points.

Thanks draftaurajo, for this picture worth a thousand curse words

An anatomy of an ass-kicking follows; squeamish readers be warned, if you've recently eaten, you may want to wait and read this later on an empty stomach. First off, the Bobcats high scorer was named Jeffery. How the fuck are you gonna be an NBA player with the surname of a cartoon giraffe? Michael Jordan's middle name is Jeffrey and he's spent half of his adult life hunting down and killing people who know this. There's a very good chance that now that I've written this Michael Jordan is gonna hunt me down and kill me, and since you've read it, he's gonna find you too. You think Michael Jordan can't get your IP Address? Come on, he's Michael 'Fucking' Jordan, 'Fucking' having officially replaced Jeffrey as his middle name.

Anyway, the former Jeffrey's Jeffery got all hopped-up on a furry walled 10 points, and that was the ONLY double digit positive statistic of any kind for the Proctor and Gamble tested on Pussycats. The only other double digit number any individual Pussy recorded, was the 11 shots Byron Mullens attempted; he made 3. That places the Big B.M. right around the team average of 29%. Kemba was 2 assists and a steal away from a +13 suck differential in 20 minutes. He had the same number of free throws, field goals, points, blocks, rebounds, and threes. Zero. Ramon Sessions felt the icy hand of continuing mediocrity on his shoulder causing him to shoot 1 for 9.

No player on the Thunder could be bothered to attempt 10 shots. The pathetic state of their opponent caused even Russell Westbrook, who usually uses these situations to play Johnny in the Karate Kid, to say "he's had enough" after 8 attempts. Kevin Durant doubled up his 8 attempts, and then some, for 18 points, and after just 26 minutes he was back at the hotel getting a massage while his Kevin Durant Hologram sat on the bench occasionally laughing or cheering. But do you want to really know how big an ass-beating this was? Hasheem 'I was drafted 2nd too' Thabeet played 28 seconds longer than Durant. It gets worse. He also pioneered several new ways to skin a cat, scoring 13 points on 5-6 shooting, and snatching a game high 10 rebounds away from the playful kittens like so many balls of yarn. 

Instead of surpassing their win total from last year, the Bobcats managed to distill every drop of the collective shame that season represents into a single game. The Cat O'Meter rating for this game was...(drumroll, please) those cat cadavers that they probably still force teenagers in Biology class to awkwardly stab at with exacto blades, while coming down from their latest household chemical high.

Lacktion:

Nets-Knicks: Josh Childress fouled somebody in 3 and a half minutes for a +1 suck differential. While teammate, and pioneer in early Radio technology, Mirza Tetovic broadcasted dead air for 71 seconds.

Grizzlies-Cleveland: Tyler Zeller showed the zealotry of a 6:4 Voskuhl.

That's all for now. Sorry, I'm a day behind. Check the Previous Posts at the top of the page, to the right, for more reading material. For instance, Jason just wrote something hilarious about Son of Doc.