I go into game 1 of these finals thinking a few things are certain. These certainties are soon obliterated. Let’s play a little before and after, shall we?:
What Evil Ted thinks - before and after:
BEFORE: The Celtics defense is like nothing the Lakers have seen thus far.
AFTER: The Celtics look surprisingly soft and slow and old. A possible explanation is offered up by Tommy Heinsohn on the Mike and Mike show the morning after. Tommy says the C’s are still playing “Magic” defense, which involves one-on-one guarding of the bigs and squelching the 3-point shooting. He says they need to start playing “Laker” defense which involves clogging the paint and MAKING the opponent shoot threes. Apparently Tom Thibodeau forgot he was still being paid to coach the Celtics defense, and not to field head coaching offers from lesser teams. Random thought: Are the Celtics going to be forced to play Sun-style zone? Should they consider it?
BEFORE: The Celtics have dispatched the two “best” teams, by record, in the league, so they will, logically, win this series.
AFTER: Thinking deeper reveals the flawed logic - regular season records are false gods. The West, chocked with a greater number of talented teams who simply play each other more often and therefore water down the records of all its respective teams, is in fact the stronger conference.
BEFORE: If I am a Laker fan, I am worried about the matchups for this series. Who will stop Rondo? Who will chase Allen? Will KG completely neutralize Gasol?
AFTER: If I am a Laker fan, I am not worried about matchups at all. Rondo, apparently, will stop himself, frequently halting in mid-drive when approached by the Laker bigs. Allen will get into foul trouble while supposedly “guarding” Kobe, and KG will look like he’s returned to worrying about his knee while Gasol looks nothing like the “soft” player of two years ago.
And now, the game highlights, lowlights, and random observations:
Commercial:
Stoudemire and Howard combine for a goofy commercial to promote the return of ABC’s regular-person-gets-humiliated-by-large-death-machines show, Wipeout. Think to self, self, that’s why they’re on vacation now. Think you’d see Kobe and KG doing that? Uhm, no. Kobe will sign a form to let you make a muppet out of him to sell shoes, but that’s where the line is drawn.
Opening of the Game:
The Lakers’ PA announcer is the disinterested-and-fey-sounding Lawrence Tanter. By announcer voices alone, the Celtics have a huge advantage. If you put the Celts’ Eddie Palladino and Tanter in a Beat-it-style street fight, Palladino would issue a serious voice-kicking. And then moonwalk.
This is followed up by a Whitney Houston-esque Star-Spangled Banner by Jeffery Osborne. I expect this to also be outdone by Boston. Game 3 will probably have Ben Affleck and Dennis Leary screaming the opening anthem while drunk. Little do I know, the opening ceremonies will be the best part of my night.
1st quarter:
11:33 in 1st – Looks like Artest tries to rip off Pierce’s arm as the two go to the floor with both arms locked against each other, back to back. Double technical called on Pierce and Artest. Worrisome. The Lakers did not have an enforcer like Artest in ’08. He could create problems, and narrow the who’s-a-tougher-team gap significantly.
10:13 left – If Bryant can consistently get to the hole like he just did, watch out for the Lakers. Celts are playing that “Magic” style defense, I guess…
9:58 – Fisher gets his second foul. Could be big.
9:46 - Artest steal from Pierce. Artest looks fresh and why-doesn’t-this-guy-play-for-Boston hungry.
Bynum slam. Lakers up 6-2.
8:41 – Artest gets another steal
7:45 – Rondo makes a jumper, followed by Bryant.
6:34 – Joey Crawford calls a travel on Gasol. Doing so takes him approximately seven seconds. With his eyes, he practically says “I’m going to make my presence felt because of my massive ego and need for attention.” My thoughts immediately turn to Jim Joyce, the umpire who messed up Armando Gallaraga’s perfect game on a badly blown call with two outs in the ninth inning. He immediately said he screwed up and then cried the next day in front of a forgiving Detroit crowd. I think to myself if NBA officials had the same conscience, they’d be in a constant state of malaise and contrition, and would likely have to apply for leave from their respective mental hospitals to officiate games. Fortunately for us, they collectively have no soul.
6:20 – Pierce lay-up past Artest one on one. That’s more like it.
Team Anecdote time:
There is a story about the 100 bucks that Doc Rivers took from every player in an LA regular-season game and placed in the ceiling of the Staples Center visitors’ locker room, only to be retrieved if the C’s made it to the Finals. Jeff Van Gundy (JVG) openly wonders “What if the Lakers hadn’t made it to the Finals?” Good point. Better point? How about some incentive for winning the Finals? Best point: Is 100 bucks really incentive to these guys? Bestest point: The Lakers’ coaching staff is offering 50 bucks for each charge taken in the Finals. What ever happened to the you’re-paid-a-lot-of-money-to-compete-your-ass-off-so-just-friggin-do-it coaching style?
4:50 – Pierce hits jumper with Artest’s hand an inch from face.
Lakers up - 18-13
3:55 – Rasheed enters the game.
3:24 – Artest’s second foul. Legit blocking call.
3:03 – JVG mentions that Ray Allen hasn’t had a burger since he was 19. This astonishes him. Sounds like just another facet of Ray’s obsessive-compulsive traits. At some point, Ray-Ray said to himself “No more fatty greasy burgers” and stuck to it…forever. I find myself cool with whatever messed-up personality disorder keeps Ray Allen practicing three hours before games. Sure, he’s also probably washing his hands forty times before going to bed, but if it works for him, that’s cool.
Celtics have been mediocre, only down 18-16. Encouraging.
Cutting to commercial, we see Ray Allen trying act up some contact with Gasol in slow motion, then smiling. Then going to bench to apply anti-bacterial lotion to his hands.
2:30 – In put back attempt, Gasol yells out and draws a foul. This is the second time in the game he has drawn a foul with nothing but volume.
2:10 - Glen Davis manages to stay in front of Kobe on a drive. JVG (who’s the only guy worth quoting, by the way), notes how well Davis moves for a big man, or semi-big man. Or fire-hydrant man masquerading as big man.
1:23 – Davis draws foul on Odom with a scream of his own. Phil Jackson gives him 50 bucks.
Celts Defense looking average. Which means below average. Someone forgot to tell them they’re in the finals.
“MVP” chants while Kobe shoots free throws. Kobe bows, offers air-kisses. I wonder to myself if the best player of every team will soon be hearing “MVP” chants while shooting free throws. Rondo’s been getting them. He better pick up his play, or he’s going to continue hearing it…but from Laker fans.
59.1 - Kobe gets second foul on an acting job by Pierce, who can’t reach Rondo’s off-the-mark pass.
19.1 – Farmar steals the ball from a sleeping Rondo. Celts not looking sharp at either end, and worse, look disinterested. I think back to Rondo grabbing the ball from between Jason Williams’ legs in that “just-wanted-it-more” moment. Farmar just made Rondo look like Jason Williams.
2nd quarter:
10:34 - Pierce draws 3rd on Odom – offensive foul. Reasonable call.
10:12 – Rasheed hits a 3 on a dish from Pierce. If Rasheed gets going, maybe there’s a chance.
9:11 - Gasol tries a here’s-the-ball-over-here-and-now-I’m-going-to-spin-around-and-shoot-over-here move that he probably saw Rajon Rondo do against Cleveland. Good News: Shot is blocked handily by Rasheed. Bad News: The Lakers are comfortable enough right now to practice unusual new shots in game 1 of the Finals.
8:20 – Shannon Brown walks in for lay up, has six points. Made it look easy. Celtics D continues to blow.
7:35 – Vujacic weak grab of perkins jersey. Perkins scores and one.
7:31 – Nate Robinson gets his first foul. Legit.
7:11 – Nate fights for ball after knocking it out of Gasol’s hands. Jump ball. Nate loses the jump ball, but not by much. Go figure that Nate would look like the only Celtic out there who wants it.
6:22 – Tony Allen pass knocked out of bounds. He has the lack-of-swagger of a man for whom the moment looks too big.
4:51 – Garnett hits a turnaround against Gasol. Celts have been yawn and so-so, and only down 2. 37-35.
Commercial Alert:
A-Team advertisement…I can understand why they couldn’t use a dead George Pappard, but why not Mr. T? And if the original mohawked one doesn’t make a cameo, I’ll be ticked. The Ultimate Fighting dude who took over Mr. T’s role has bitched about acting distracting him from his UFC fights, and then said “acting is kind of gay.” What is gayer than acting? Thinking acting is gay and doing it anyway. Guess what? You’re not welcome back for the sequel, you homophobic dickface. Yeah, I said dickface, which would imply a dick being somewhere around your face. Suck on that.
Celebrity montage:
Chris Rock, David Spade, Speilberg, Jack Nicholson, who is now referred to only as “Jack.” The close up reveals Jack now looks like a chipmunk, and causes me to briefly consider adding him to my Dead Pool when a spot opens up on my bench.
2:54 – Second foul on Pierce against Kobe. Lame call.
Two bang-bang Artest plays get Lakers up 9. This score seems more a reflection of the way the game has “felt.” Also, Artest really making a difference with his hard-nosed play.
1:36 – Classic Rondo to Garnett alley oop.
:56 – Fisher tear drop over Garnett’s out-stretched hand. Pretty.
Before buzzer, rondo hits dramatic fall away long jumper to get Celts to within….uhm…9. This could get out of hand quickly.
Half: 41-50
3rd Quarter.
11:47 - Perkins called for letting Bynum elbow him in the ribs.
11:36 – Artest sticks out his butt and fouls Allen. Dumb foul.
11:29 – Fisher “fouls” Ray Allen. Terrible call. Fisher’s third.
10:15 – Rondo misses lay up.
7:50 – Gasol screams himself into another foul.
6:10 – Steal and Bryant dunk puts Lakers up 13, biggest lead of the game – signature play of game one if the Lakers win, which it looks like they will.
4:48 – Egregious Gasol flop earns a foul call. Commentators discuss calling fouls for flopping. I am completely in favor of this.
4:28 – Gasol hits a put back. He has been huge, and not remotely marshmellowish or soft.
3:!3 – Rondo dish to Tony Allen, who dunks and hangs on the rim. He appears to spin 720 degrees, causing me to wonder if he is equipped with the wrists of a toy Transformer. The rest of his play during this game would indicate that, in fact, he possesses no particular special powers or gadgets.
2:37 – Bryant block of Tony Allen dunk. Huge. Replay shows the ball fell out of Allen’s hand before the block (because of his faulty Transformer wrists?), so the block is not quite as impressive as it first seemed.
2:10 – Fisher alley oop to Bryant. Lakers are simply playing harder. Inexcusable.
Commercial Alert:
The Dwight Howard, Lebron James dunk contest for McD’s, ending with Larry “I-have-no-idea-who-that-guy-is” Bird stealing their meal. Awesomest, most underappreciated commercial ever.
Point comparison at this point in the game, offering the answer to the question: “Who plays better defense? Artest or Allen?”
Pierce 11 points - 3 for 6
Kobe 24 points - 9 for 16
1:39 – Ray Allen called for foul number 5. Horrible call. Allen has been called for ticky-tack junk all game. At least it’s been consistent.
1:19 – Rasheed with stupid moving pick foul on Fisher. Rasheed can be seen on bench later, checking “Requisite one-stupid-foul” off a list.
:55 - Laker defense looks superior, forcing an off-balance Pierce 3.
:46 – The requisite “We-give-up-here’s-your-victory-cigar” Rasheed Wallace Technical Foul. A couple more and he gets a one-game suspension. Maybe he and Perkins can sit out the same game so we can just get that loss out of the way.
Lakers - 84-64
4th quarter:
11:19 – Wallace can’t even properly outlet the ball to Nate Robinson. Ends up chasing the ball into the stands in a too-little-too-late attempt to redeem himself.
10:18 – Pierce called for a carry. A CARRY! JVG points out that every player, especially Kobe Bryant, carries on nearly every dribble of every play…somewhere off camera, Joey Crawford is grinning and awaiting his moment in the sun.
8:56 – Garnett jumper – Celts back to within 13.
Lakers up: 85-72
Best I’m-a-Celtics-fan-but-I-love-this-Laker-move Moment #1:
8:28 – Phil Jackson yells at ABC interviewer Doris Burke and Chris Rock to cut the crap and get their cameraman off the court. Also love David Spade trying to squeeze his B-movie mug into the shot, giving the Why-don’t-you-want-to-talk-to-me? look to Doris. Because the top of your resume reads Currently in Unfunny Ensemble Sitcom, David. That’s why.
7:48 – Robinson misses a 3, and Garnett can’t handle put back. Doesn’t have the same ups as in ‘08. Huge.
7:34 - Gasol baby hook. Laker lead back to 15.
7:17 – Odom called for a block on Pierce. Cheesy call. Jack agrees.
6:20 – Artest strips the ball from big baby, long pass to Gasol for a dunk. Fat lady sings.
Commercial Alert and Best I’m-a-Celtics-fan-but-I-love-this-Laker-move Moment #2:
Nike’s Kobe “All together now” commercial. Actually made it seem like cheering for Kobe is fun, even though we all know this is not the case.
Best I’m-a-Celtics-fan-but-I-love-this-Laker-move Moment #3:
6:12 – Chris rock is blabbering from his $10,000 seat next to the Laker bench, trying to jock sniff Kobe with stupid small talk. Kobe sits stone-faced, completely ignoring him. Only people more awful than Lakers? Celebrities. Way to go, Kobe. I almost love you right now. But only right now. At this moment. Hating shall resume promptly.
5:47 – C’s still diving for loose balls. Good.
5:29 – Rondo feeds Garnett for an open dunk, but Garnett can’t finish. Twice. Disastrous. Could the Celtics play worse? Could Garnett look any more anemic?
I kinda stopped paying attention at this point, except for noticing what sounded like “Boston Sucks” chant going on while Pierce was shooting free throws, to which Mike Breen called the Laker-Celtic rivalry something like “fun” and “healthy”…
…No more ignorant-of-what-it’s-like-to-actually-give-a-huge-shit-about-an-athletic-contest comment has ever been made.
There’s nothing healthy about what I’m feeling right now, Mike. Nothing.
What Evil Ted thinks - before and after:
BEFORE: The Celtics defense is like nothing the Lakers have seen thus far.
AFTER: The Celtics look surprisingly soft and slow and old. A possible explanation is offered up by Tommy Heinsohn on the Mike and Mike show the morning after. Tommy says the C’s are still playing “Magic” defense, which involves one-on-one guarding of the bigs and squelching the 3-point shooting. He says they need to start playing “Laker” defense which involves clogging the paint and MAKING the opponent shoot threes. Apparently Tom Thibodeau forgot he was still being paid to coach the Celtics defense, and not to field head coaching offers from lesser teams. Random thought: Are the Celtics going to be forced to play Sun-style zone? Should they consider it?
BEFORE: The Celtics have dispatched the two “best” teams, by record, in the league, so they will, logically, win this series.
AFTER: Thinking deeper reveals the flawed logic - regular season records are false gods. The West, chocked with a greater number of talented teams who simply play each other more often and therefore water down the records of all its respective teams, is in fact the stronger conference.
BEFORE: If I am a Laker fan, I am worried about the matchups for this series. Who will stop Rondo? Who will chase Allen? Will KG completely neutralize Gasol?
AFTER: If I am a Laker fan, I am not worried about matchups at all. Rondo, apparently, will stop himself, frequently halting in mid-drive when approached by the Laker bigs. Allen will get into foul trouble while supposedly “guarding” Kobe, and KG will look like he’s returned to worrying about his knee while Gasol looks nothing like the “soft” player of two years ago.
And now, the game highlights, lowlights, and random observations:
Commercial:
Stoudemire and Howard combine for a goofy commercial to promote the return of ABC’s regular-person-gets-humiliated-by-large-death-machines show, Wipeout. Think to self, self, that’s why they’re on vacation now. Think you’d see Kobe and KG doing that? Uhm, no. Kobe will sign a form to let you make a muppet out of him to sell shoes, but that’s where the line is drawn.
Opening of the Game:
The Lakers’ PA announcer is the disinterested-and-fey-sounding Lawrence Tanter. By announcer voices alone, the Celtics have a huge advantage. If you put the Celts’ Eddie Palladino and Tanter in a Beat-it-style street fight, Palladino would issue a serious voice-kicking. And then moonwalk.
This is followed up by a Whitney Houston-esque Star-Spangled Banner by Jeffery Osborne. I expect this to also be outdone by Boston. Game 3 will probably have Ben Affleck and Dennis Leary screaming the opening anthem while drunk. Little do I know, the opening ceremonies will be the best part of my night.
1st quarter:
11:33 in 1st – Looks like Artest tries to rip off Pierce’s arm as the two go to the floor with both arms locked against each other, back to back. Double technical called on Pierce and Artest. Worrisome. The Lakers did not have an enforcer like Artest in ’08. He could create problems, and narrow the who’s-a-tougher-team gap significantly.
10:13 left – If Bryant can consistently get to the hole like he just did, watch out for the Lakers. Celts are playing that “Magic” style defense, I guess…
9:58 – Fisher gets his second foul. Could be big.
9:46 - Artest steal from Pierce. Artest looks fresh and why-doesn’t-this-guy-play-for-Boston hungry.
Bynum slam. Lakers up 6-2.
8:41 – Artest gets another steal
7:45 – Rondo makes a jumper, followed by Bryant.
6:34 – Joey Crawford calls a travel on Gasol. Doing so takes him approximately seven seconds. With his eyes, he practically says “I’m going to make my presence felt because of my massive ego and need for attention.” My thoughts immediately turn to Jim Joyce, the umpire who messed up Armando Gallaraga’s perfect game on a badly blown call with two outs in the ninth inning. He immediately said he screwed up and then cried the next day in front of a forgiving Detroit crowd. I think to myself if NBA officials had the same conscience, they’d be in a constant state of malaise and contrition, and would likely have to apply for leave from their respective mental hospitals to officiate games. Fortunately for us, they collectively have no soul.
6:20 – Pierce lay-up past Artest one on one. That’s more like it.
Team Anecdote time:
There is a story about the 100 bucks that Doc Rivers took from every player in an LA regular-season game and placed in the ceiling of the Staples Center visitors’ locker room, only to be retrieved if the C’s made it to the Finals. Jeff Van Gundy (JVG) openly wonders “What if the Lakers hadn’t made it to the Finals?” Good point. Better point? How about some incentive for winning the Finals? Best point: Is 100 bucks really incentive to these guys? Bestest point: The Lakers’ coaching staff is offering 50 bucks for each charge taken in the Finals. What ever happened to the you’re-paid-a-lot-of-money-to-compete-your-ass-off-so-just-friggin-do-it coaching style?
4:50 – Pierce hits jumper with Artest’s hand an inch from face.
Lakers up - 18-13
3:55 – Rasheed enters the game.
3:24 – Artest’s second foul. Legit blocking call.
3:03 – JVG mentions that Ray Allen hasn’t had a burger since he was 19. This astonishes him. Sounds like just another facet of Ray’s obsessive-compulsive traits. At some point, Ray-Ray said to himself “No more fatty greasy burgers” and stuck to it…forever. I find myself cool with whatever messed-up personality disorder keeps Ray Allen practicing three hours before games. Sure, he’s also probably washing his hands forty times before going to bed, but if it works for him, that’s cool.
Celtics have been mediocre, only down 18-16. Encouraging.
Cutting to commercial, we see Ray Allen trying act up some contact with Gasol in slow motion, then smiling. Then going to bench to apply anti-bacterial lotion to his hands.
2:30 – In put back attempt, Gasol yells out and draws a foul. This is the second time in the game he has drawn a foul with nothing but volume.
2:10 - Glen Davis manages to stay in front of Kobe on a drive. JVG (who’s the only guy worth quoting, by the way), notes how well Davis moves for a big man, or semi-big man. Or fire-hydrant man masquerading as big man.
1:23 – Davis draws foul on Odom with a scream of his own. Phil Jackson gives him 50 bucks.
Celts Defense looking average. Which means below average. Someone forgot to tell them they’re in the finals.
“MVP” chants while Kobe shoots free throws. Kobe bows, offers air-kisses. I wonder to myself if the best player of every team will soon be hearing “MVP” chants while shooting free throws. Rondo’s been getting them. He better pick up his play, or he’s going to continue hearing it…but from Laker fans.
59.1 - Kobe gets second foul on an acting job by Pierce, who can’t reach Rondo’s off-the-mark pass.
19.1 – Farmar steals the ball from a sleeping Rondo. Celts not looking sharp at either end, and worse, look disinterested. I think back to Rondo grabbing the ball from between Jason Williams’ legs in that “just-wanted-it-more” moment. Farmar just made Rondo look like Jason Williams.
2nd quarter:
10:34 - Pierce draws 3rd on Odom – offensive foul. Reasonable call.
10:12 – Rasheed hits a 3 on a dish from Pierce. If Rasheed gets going, maybe there’s a chance.
9:11 - Gasol tries a here’s-the-ball-over-here-and-now-I’m-going-to-spin-around-and-shoot-over-here move that he probably saw Rajon Rondo do against Cleveland. Good News: Shot is blocked handily by Rasheed. Bad News: The Lakers are comfortable enough right now to practice unusual new shots in game 1 of the Finals.
8:20 – Shannon Brown walks in for lay up, has six points. Made it look easy. Celtics D continues to blow.
7:35 – Vujacic weak grab of perkins jersey. Perkins scores and one.
7:31 – Nate Robinson gets his first foul. Legit.
7:11 – Nate fights for ball after knocking it out of Gasol’s hands. Jump ball. Nate loses the jump ball, but not by much. Go figure that Nate would look like the only Celtic out there who wants it.
6:22 – Tony Allen pass knocked out of bounds. He has the lack-of-swagger of a man for whom the moment looks too big.
4:51 – Garnett hits a turnaround against Gasol. Celts have been yawn and so-so, and only down 2. 37-35.
Commercial Alert:
A-Team advertisement…I can understand why they couldn’t use a dead George Pappard, but why not Mr. T? And if the original mohawked one doesn’t make a cameo, I’ll be ticked. The Ultimate Fighting dude who took over Mr. T’s role has bitched about acting distracting him from his UFC fights, and then said “acting is kind of gay.” What is gayer than acting? Thinking acting is gay and doing it anyway. Guess what? You’re not welcome back for the sequel, you homophobic dickface. Yeah, I said dickface, which would imply a dick being somewhere around your face. Suck on that.
Celebrity montage:
Chris Rock, David Spade, Speilberg, Jack Nicholson, who is now referred to only as “Jack.” The close up reveals Jack now looks like a chipmunk, and causes me to briefly consider adding him to my Dead Pool when a spot opens up on my bench.
2:54 – Second foul on Pierce against Kobe. Lame call.
Two bang-bang Artest plays get Lakers up 9. This score seems more a reflection of the way the game has “felt.” Also, Artest really making a difference with his hard-nosed play.
1:36 – Classic Rondo to Garnett alley oop.
:56 – Fisher tear drop over Garnett’s out-stretched hand. Pretty.
Before buzzer, rondo hits dramatic fall away long jumper to get Celts to within….uhm…9. This could get out of hand quickly.
Half: 41-50
3rd Quarter.
11:47 - Perkins called for letting Bynum elbow him in the ribs.
11:36 – Artest sticks out his butt and fouls Allen. Dumb foul.
11:29 – Fisher “fouls” Ray Allen. Terrible call. Fisher’s third.
10:15 – Rondo misses lay up.
7:50 – Gasol screams himself into another foul.
6:10 – Steal and Bryant dunk puts Lakers up 13, biggest lead of the game – signature play of game one if the Lakers win, which it looks like they will.
4:48 – Egregious Gasol flop earns a foul call. Commentators discuss calling fouls for flopping. I am completely in favor of this.
4:28 – Gasol hits a put back. He has been huge, and not remotely marshmellowish or soft.
3:!3 – Rondo dish to Tony Allen, who dunks and hangs on the rim. He appears to spin 720 degrees, causing me to wonder if he is equipped with the wrists of a toy Transformer. The rest of his play during this game would indicate that, in fact, he possesses no particular special powers or gadgets.
2:37 – Bryant block of Tony Allen dunk. Huge. Replay shows the ball fell out of Allen’s hand before the block (because of his faulty Transformer wrists?), so the block is not quite as impressive as it first seemed.
2:10 – Fisher alley oop to Bryant. Lakers are simply playing harder. Inexcusable.
Commercial Alert:
The Dwight Howard, Lebron James dunk contest for McD’s, ending with Larry “I-have-no-idea-who-that-guy-is” Bird stealing their meal. Awesomest, most underappreciated commercial ever.
Point comparison at this point in the game, offering the answer to the question: “Who plays better defense? Artest or Allen?”
Pierce 11 points - 3 for 6
Kobe 24 points - 9 for 16
1:39 – Ray Allen called for foul number 5. Horrible call. Allen has been called for ticky-tack junk all game. At least it’s been consistent.
1:19 – Rasheed with stupid moving pick foul on Fisher. Rasheed can be seen on bench later, checking “Requisite one-stupid-foul” off a list.
:55 - Laker defense looks superior, forcing an off-balance Pierce 3.
:46 – The requisite “We-give-up-here’s-your-victory-cigar” Rasheed Wallace Technical Foul. A couple more and he gets a one-game suspension. Maybe he and Perkins can sit out the same game so we can just get that loss out of the way.
Lakers - 84-64
4th quarter:
11:19 – Wallace can’t even properly outlet the ball to Nate Robinson. Ends up chasing the ball into the stands in a too-little-too-late attempt to redeem himself.
10:18 – Pierce called for a carry. A CARRY! JVG points out that every player, especially Kobe Bryant, carries on nearly every dribble of every play…somewhere off camera, Joey Crawford is grinning and awaiting his moment in the sun.
8:56 – Garnett jumper – Celts back to within 13.
Lakers up: 85-72
Best I’m-a-Celtics-fan-but-I-love-this-Laker-move Moment #1:
8:28 – Phil Jackson yells at ABC interviewer Doris Burke and Chris Rock to cut the crap and get their cameraman off the court. Also love David Spade trying to squeeze his B-movie mug into the shot, giving the Why-don’t-you-want-to-talk-to-me? look to Doris. Because the top of your resume reads Currently in Unfunny Ensemble Sitcom, David. That’s why.
7:48 – Robinson misses a 3, and Garnett can’t handle put back. Doesn’t have the same ups as in ‘08. Huge.
7:34 - Gasol baby hook. Laker lead back to 15.
7:17 – Odom called for a block on Pierce. Cheesy call. Jack agrees.
6:20 – Artest strips the ball from big baby, long pass to Gasol for a dunk. Fat lady sings.
Commercial Alert and Best I’m-a-Celtics-fan-but-I-love-this-Laker-move Moment #2:
Nike’s Kobe “All together now” commercial. Actually made it seem like cheering for Kobe is fun, even though we all know this is not the case.
Best I’m-a-Celtics-fan-but-I-love-this-Laker-move Moment #3:
6:12 – Chris rock is blabbering from his $10,000 seat next to the Laker bench, trying to jock sniff Kobe with stupid small talk. Kobe sits stone-faced, completely ignoring him. Only people more awful than Lakers? Celebrities. Way to go, Kobe. I almost love you right now. But only right now. At this moment. Hating shall resume promptly.
5:47 – C’s still diving for loose balls. Good.
5:29 – Rondo feeds Garnett for an open dunk, but Garnett can’t finish. Twice. Disastrous. Could the Celtics play worse? Could Garnett look any more anemic?
I kinda stopped paying attention at this point, except for noticing what sounded like “Boston Sucks” chant going on while Pierce was shooting free throws, to which Mike Breen called the Laker-Celtic rivalry something like “fun” and “healthy”…
…No more ignorant-of-what-it’s-like-to-actually-give-a-huge-shit-about-an-athletic-contest comment has ever been made.
There’s nothing healthy about what I’m feeling right now, Mike. Nothing.
Labels: 2010 Finals, Celtics, Game 1, Lakers
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P-Jax yelling at Doris Burke actually made me feel sorry for her. I mean it's kinda like yelling at a 7-year-old because he couldn't find the screwdriver you sent him for in the back drawer of that one spot in the garage.
Maybe she was in the way, but she was just doing her job. And that stadium is so full of media and cameras and camera-people, not to mention the fact that the seats are so crammed in there that the fans' feet are basically in-bounds during play, that I can understand Doris' plight.
And besides that, all coaches LOVE to wander out onto the court where they don't belong, so for Jackson to get all pissy with her was, well, just kinda pissy.
Good commentary though :D
VW: retfecto
Well 8-year olds are fair game. Just make sure that when you hit him for being so incompetent that you use a newspaper or a phone book so that you don't leave bruises. Otherwise CPS will be crawling all over your shit.
...so I'm told. By... this guy... I know... from... work?
My poor kid - I'm probably the biggest bastard dad ever. I ride him all of the time.
Anyway, Simmons (also an idiot mouth-breathing Celtics fan) has become unreadable because he uses the exact same jokes in every article/mailbag/"tweet" etc.
So good job not being him.
Since when did all the commentors become huge, mouth-breathign Lakers fans?
BTW, how did I miss that Kobe commercial? was I too busy running to the kitchen for more beers during the breaks?
Just read all of "evil ted's" "Before" thoughts. This is a rabid Celtics fan's thoughts, pure and simple.
Again, I am not talking about the Lakers in this, or my previous posts.
But beyond that, does it matter? People take sports team allegiences waaay to seriously on the Internet...
I would just like everyone to play at their best and see who is left standing
- The Lakers loudspeaker announcer actually initiated atleast one of them. Ugh Lakers fans.
- During my trip to see Game 4 of the WCF, I remember my disgust hearing some MVP chants for Amar''''''e. Later, when we were watching the Inside the NBA live show, another MVP chant started when STATue appeared on the screen. Thankfully, only a few Suns fans around me started joining in, before having other Suns fans tell them to shut up because the chants were started by Lakers fans up front. Admittedly, it was a pretty good troll, but still: Ugh, Lakers fans.
Different post. I've also been to Clipper games (no taco chants going on, there).
Anyway, I'd be calling them out even if it was Suns - Magic, if both posts today were hinting at being upset (or blatantly saying it) about the Magic losing.
As long as Mike Breen says "Bang!" , I'm satisfied.
Agreed. "MOMMA THERE GOES THAT MAN!"
DIAF Mark Jackson
...well, fyi, I breathe through my nose quite normally (unless I'm hopped up on smack, of course).
I know it was probably a jerk move by P-Jax, but I still love watching people get uncomfortable. Same reason I watch the Office.
And thanks for the welcome back.
ET
The MVP stuff chant is getting a little lame, but every home crowd is doing it now. Rondo got chants all but two rounds ago in Boston. In Boston! I expect front-running crowds in L.A., but not in beantown.
Random note: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53hiHAkK6KA
Saw this today and wished more pre-game and mid-game interviews during the Finals went like this. Talking about the greatest Intercontinental Champion of All Time.
Anyway, I thought this article was entertaining whether you were a Lakers or Celtics fan (well, not so much for a Celtics fan since I don't enjoy any analysis much when my team loses). Ted just told it like it was, and a great call out of Mike Breen at the end. I hate his corny attempts at sugarcoating and sanitizing everything. If I have to hear him yelp, "That was just a good, hard playoff foul!" again so that none of the yuppies in the audience get offended by the big scary black men playing rough, I am going to projectile vomit all over my TV. Apparently the dress code, the criminalization of the players, NBA Cares, and three straight white MVPs afterward weren't enough to erase the stain of the brawl for that all-important demographic... that never liked the NBA anyway.
During the playoffs, no. Sorry, MVP award was already given out, and unless you are chanting MVP at the person who won it, you are failing as a fan.
During the FINALS, it's okay again, because there is a Finals MVP that has yet to be determined.
-needlessly overthinking it Ash
http://deadspin.com/5555622/watching-the-watchmen-tim-donaghy-breaks-down-the-officiating-in-game-1
I agree with some of the stuff here like the typical star calls and refereeing the score at the end, but overall he sounds no more insightful than a homer fan or announcer, except he's rooting against the NBA in general.
I have to say, on the one hand it does bother me a little that there's now a clear bias in favour of the celtics running through every single entry, but I also think that none of us would enjoy this blog as much if it wasn't written by actual basketball fans. So there's that.
Ash - You should be aware of which site you're reading here. It's always been run by huge Celtics fans, they've never denied it. Other than the rare occasions when I've posted, I think every other post in the history of the site has been made either by a huge Celtics fan or a huge Laker hater. Don't expect journalistic impartiality here. Hating the Lakers is sort of one of the founding principles of the site, and maybe the site's oldest running joke. Go back and read the earliest entries here and you'll begin to wonder if mocking the Lakers and/or Kobe isn't what prompted Mr. Bawful to start this site in the first place.
This is like the proverbial pot and the kettle here, but don't ever come here expecting to see genuine admiration or praise for the Lakers. Any success they have will be reported on here with equal parts bitterness and disgust. Way it goes.
I remember when a friend showed me this site, who by the way I guess many of Bawfuls contributors should be proud of since he converted from a Laker lover to a Laker hater (which still leaves a hole in my heart), a couple of years ago in class (we spent more time reading this blog than paying attention that professor). Anyways, I remember it was around that time that the entries ending with of course, lacktion, and hilarious entries about Kobe and some unfortunate bench member (usually the Son of Walton). Even as a Lakers fan I still laughed at those. Part of me actually wants them back... part of me..
Thanks for the kudos and sorry I didn't manage to get out to meet you. It would have been a great honor...for you. I kid.
Anyway, I think you have to admit I showed some Laker love in my post, albeit begrudgingly.
BadDave - DNP! DNP! Well done.
ET
I'm ok with lakers haters though. For some reason it warms my heart every time a Celtics fan goes bat shit over the lakers and I smell vanilla. Maybe I'm just having a stroke.
There is no line. Case in point: White Pilgrim.
About breathing through the mouth, supposedly it's bad for you. I've got nasal polyps so that's how I roll.
Besides, if the Lakers win the title this year then we have bragging rights and can annoy all the die-hard Celtics fans/Laker haters here, yay! Lol.
Great post Evil Ted, found it thoroughly entertaining. Much better than Bill Simmons. (Like his articles, didn't like his live blog much at all).
Also, someone above said Phil Jackson was being an asshole to Dorris Burke, but I think that's absurd. It was irritating enough that the movie studio bought courtside seats for Adam Sandler and Chris Rock right next to the Laker bench to help promote that horrid looking movie they have coming out, and that they had that lame recorded bit with those guys at halftime; but then having a sideline reporter trying to work in some plugs for the movie by conducting an in-game interview on the court in front of the LA bench is absurd. Good on Phil for yelling at them. If ABC wants to pull that shit, have the studio buy the stars seats that aren't courtside, or conduct the interview at halftime or something.
What's up with Phil using The Machine in the first? Especially after his game 6 effort in PHX. Dude is a proven liability. His contract can't be up soon enough: "Sir, get the fuck out of the country!"
... shit.
@Wild Yams, the Lakers are now 6-2 with Kobe guarding Rondo (starting with Game 3 of the 2008 Finals), including the last four meetings. They were 0-4 with Fish guarding Rondo (two regular season 07-08 games, Games 1 & 2 of the 08 Finals). Also, they've held Boston under 90 points in every single game Pau and Drew have both suited up. Pierce only got going in Game 1 because both Drew and Ron-Ron were out of the game.
And by the way it's officially happened.. when something lame happens in a game, I sometimes say out loud, "That was bawful"
Actually, I jumped on here a two years ago just so there would be a different POV some of the time. Also, I didn't want you to be the only Laker fan. Most of the other Laker fans on the internet are tools, you on the other hand, usually have thoughtful analysis other than "KOBE RULZ" which is nice. I like the Laker hatred on this site. I've been a Kobe fan since '98 and all the articles making fun of the Lakers are part of why I'm a Laker fan. In fact, Basketbawful really made me into a Laker fan more than a Kobe/Phil fan which is more of what I was.
SO I guess you could say this site converted me.
Yes, Matt, you can go throw up now.
Not just able to laugh about Rock and Kobe, but finding far more to respect and like about Kobe for treating the game like, dare I say, Larry Bird treated it (bar fights and broken hands aside).
Don't worry, the feeling of admiration for Kobe passed quickly, like a bad burrito. Game 2 starts 0-0, with the past impressions wiped clean...
My latest ire is directed at Tom Thibodeau, who not only can't focus on coaching the Celtics defense, but also doesn't have the class to wait until the Finals are over to have "unofficial" announcements coming out about him signing with the Bulls.
lordhenry
I'm sure you made Matt's day telling him he's converting people into Laker fans. I just threw up a little in my mouth thinking about it.
ET
http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news;_ylt=AjqQsi0SyFYJHieVP7ND8cK8vLYF?slug=aw-lebroninfluence060510
The stuff at the bottom of the article is what's really interesting. See, Mike Brown and Danny Ferry came from San Antonio, an established, disciplined organization that won rings with the best player in the league surrounded by good role players and a legitimate PG who (unlike Mo Williams) did not have to cry and bitch his way to an All-Star vote because he was actually as good as advertised. But now they are both gone, and it's pretty clear to me that the move was made by both LeBron and the owner because one clearly has override authority over the other two. Much as we make fun of Mike Brown, who else is Cleveland going to get that is willing to coach someone who clearly is a diva? P-Jax has Kobe, who (as much as I can't stand him) actually wants to win. We never hear anything about Duncan, he just goes out on the court and gets things done.
I was all for James staying with the Cavs, because as long as he did, that team was no threat to winning the NBA title. I mean, the owner wants to hire Tom Izzo because they are both from Michigan State, really? Why not get Magic as a consultant while you're at it (Though now that I think about, at least Magic would have some clout to try to talk some sense into the kid). Now I hope he leaves, just to rid himself of that "inner circle" that is clearly holding him back under the illusion of "loyalty" to his home.
I don't mind. My 4 teams on the Google Scoreboard are Heat, Suns, Cavs and Celts.
Although I love every single one of the people who frequent this site -- yes, even the Lakers fans -- I have to say this comment warmed the cold, rotting embers of my heart. BadDave and I used to read shit on the Internet back when we were in college together, ignoring our prof and trying not to lose our shit over a top 10 list or whatever. The fact that my site is keeping people from paying attention in class makes me happier than I can describe.
(btw Mr. Bawful, I told you Phil always has Kobe guard Rondo)
I never said Kobe didn't guard Rondo, only that he doesn't "always" guard him for the entire game, depending on the other matchups. And, indeed, there were significant chunks of the game in which Kobe was on the floor but not guarding Rondo. It is not, nor do I suspect it ever will be, an exclusive assignment.
@Mr. Bawful, it's only that way when Fish and Rajon are cross-matched in transition. Anytime there's a dead ball or Boston has to take it out of the net, Kobe will match up with Rajon.