I, Evil Ted, will begin this post with an embarrassing admission: I don't have cable TV. That's right. You heard me. I didn't stutter. I'm one of those sorry souls whose weekend is usually left to golf, Nascar, and, yes, sometimes even women's gymnastics. I'm not proud of it, but frankly, 75 percent of the time, I'm cool with what's happening on network TV. I've got a job and kids, so if I'm only channel surfing during primetime hours, I manage to keep myself fairly well entertained with The Office and various other network fare (here's where I'd mention American Idol and Dancing with the Stars, but I've already embarassed myself enough).

Besides, how much TV can a person watch? Who needs Sportcenter, HGTV, Bravo, Lifetime, Disney, "What Not to Wear," The Shield, Monk, music videos, HBO premium programming...alright, I'm getting myself depressed. Let's move on.

In the context of sports, I generally find myself satisfied with my NFL selections on network TV. The NBA, on the other hand, did me a great disservice some years ago when it chose to air only the Finals - and therefore NO playoff games - on the networks. Did I finally decide to loosen the purse strings, stand up to my parsimonious wife and watch a full complement of NBA playoff games that should be the inalienable right of every American male? Hell no. I looked the cable TV-slash-NBA monopoly square in the face and said "To Hell with your jacked-up prices and your complicated remote controls." Then I looked around at the other 299 Spartans and announced "TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!"...and if you've ever had dinner at my kid-laden, cableless home, well, you'd know I was fairly accurate.

But there is a ray of light, a glimmer of hope...that I'll get cable? No. Stop it. Don't even joke like that.

ABC is finally making a habit of putting premium games on network TV on the weekend. It's about frickin' time, ABC. Maybe you realized you weren't really doing a service to your potential legion of fans by making your games more difficult to watch. I'm a 36-year-old white dude with three kids who doesn't have cable and didn't get sucked into it just to chase after NBA basketball. God only knows how many inner city boys and girls are sitting in cableless homes not watching your sport. On the other hand, maybe they're using that free time studying to be doctors and lawyers, so maybe...just maybe...you ARE doing a service to your potential fans...

OK, enough of my high-minded horseshit. I wanna watch more NBA games, and ABC is making it easier. Thanks, ABC. Rather than graciously thanking you as I should, I'll just say it's about frickin' time, and what the hell took you so long. If you're smart, you'll toss a nice Tuesday night game onto the network every now and again too. Don't worry, I'm not asking for your precious Thursday...God knows we must have our Grey's Anatomy fix (perhaps you were reading sarcasm into that. Sadly, there is none. Seriously, ABC, don't fuck with Thursday. If you deprive me of the sexually-charged medical rollercoaster that is Meredith Grey's life, I shall smite thee).

Speaking of sexually-charged, now we get to more things that ABC is doing right. Uhm, hiring the Pussycat Dolls to sing on the way in and out of commercials in tight uniforms, thigh-high stockings and f*** me boots? Give the dude who came up with that a raise - a big one, not just that cost-of-living bullshit. And to the corporate chickie who said "Passing glimpses of cheerleaders twice a game should satiate the needs of our viewers," you're fired.

Talk about "Must see TV." When I hear that conga beat and that "Right Now!" and the trumpet blasting "ba-da, da-da da-da," I bolt to the TV. Fast. Even from the toilet. OK, just with number one. With number two, I'm kinda stuck there, but it makes me rue the day that God cursed us with a regular need to expel waste.

And now, I give you the best thing ABC has done in a while, aside from Grey's Anatomy:


Basketball and Sex. Now you'vegot it, ABC. Duh.
Oh, and on the "Well done yet again," my compliments to the NBA for the "Thanks Red" commercials. Let's see, the greatest basketball guru of all time (no offense, Phil) talking about the importance of blocking, rebounding, passing, and TEAM play mentality (no offense, Kobe) - it seems like a no-brainer, but since those in TV and sports management generally behave like people with no brains, it's actually quite a wonderful, nostalgic ad campaign for the basketball purist. Not to mention it gives a little "We feel your pain" to those of us suffering through the current state of the Celtics Organization (I'll say it before you do, "Celtics Organization" is an oxymoron).

I couldn't find the "Thanks Red" stuff on youtube, and I'm not one for research beyond two clicks, so in place of that, here's a tribute to Red. It illicits very contrary emotions to the Pussycat Doll video, and will make you sufficiently ashamed of your erection.