Basketbawful

Thursday, March 16, 2006

I got really depressed when I found out the guys over at Deadspin had reported on the Jesus Jersey before I could get around to it. Now I can truly appreciate the profound sense of shame and disappointment that Lois Lane felt when Clark Kent scooped her on Superman stories.

Never one to hang my head in defeat, I set out to find a company even more devout (i.e., insane) than the folks over at Heavenly Jerseys. Two minutes and a quick Google search later, I had redeemed myself by finding the Christian Throwback Jersey Web site ("A proud sponsor of Jesus Christ").

At least the Jesus Jersey was sort of unique and original. I mean, other than being jersey-shaped, it was clearly its own thing. Not so for the Christian Throwback Jerseys. They're nearly exact replicas of the jerseys that are actually worn by professional basketball teams. Only instead of "Celtics" or "Pistons", they say something inspirationally religious.

You know, I'm kind of surprised thisisn't Cleveland's official team jersey.
I'm not a Bibleologist or anything. In fact, the only thing I know about the 10 Commandments is that you're not supposed to covet your neighbor's ass, and there's a 147 percent chance I only know that one because it contains the word "ass." Heh, heh, I said ass. Anyway, even a non-theologian like me was able to figure out that the "team names" on the jerseys are chapters of the Bible. And I have to hand it to whoever designed the jerseys, they did a pretty good job of matching the Bible books up with an actual NBA team. For instance: The Rockets became Romans, the Sonics became Songs, the Timberwolves became Thessalonians, and so on.

Some of the jerseys look so much like their NBA counterparts, you'd actually have to look twice to notice the difference. And at $75 a pop, you won't even notice a difference in price. The best part is they even have an All-Star jersey:

Did you know that Jesus has made theAll-Star team for 2,000 straight years?
The site also offers jerseys for baseball, football, golf, and hockey. They even offer full team uniforms, complete with shooting jackets and warm-up pants. Christian Throwback Jerseys really is your one-stop shopping center for Bible-themed sports apparel. I do find it interesting, however, that a business built around "Christian values" almost exclusively shows hot babes wearing their products.

So, uhm, what's the "more..." they're offering?
Inspirationtastic Extra: During my two-minute Internet search, I also found a site that sells Jesus Inspirational Sport Statues. They're basically little figurines of Jesus playing some sport with a couple kids. My favorite statue is the one for basketball, but not just because I love basketball. It's because it looks like Jesus is playing keep away and taunting those poor little snots.

"Ha, ha, you little brats! You can't have theball because you're not The Lord."

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