When a basketball player opens his mouth, one of two things can happen:

1. Some trite and entirely meaningless statement comes out. “We need to work hard on defense, and execute on offense,” or maybe, “We need to shoot a high percentage, and rebound the basketball.” Basically, they’re blandly describing how to play their sport, which would be great if I was a visitor from the planet Xanax, or maybe if I was taking an Ebonics course. Otherwise, I just got dumberer from listening to them.

Or…

2. Something delightfully hilarious erupts from their lips, something beautiful and profound, like a stripper asking you back to the Champaign room. It could be Magic Johnson complimenting a team’s “Harmonism,” or Kevin Garnett telling you he’s “flabbergabanasted.” It could even be Patrick Ewing and his “We make a lot of money, but we also spend a lot of money” or Latrell Sprewell’s “I’ve got kids to feed.” Whatever it is, your life is immediately better than it was before they said it.

Here’s a list of some of my personal favorites. This is, by no means, a comprehensive list. Feel free to add your own:

"Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious."-Charles Shackleford of the NCSU basketball team

"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win." -Doug Collins

"I've won at every level, except college and pro." -Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."-Jason Kidd

"[My] career was sputtering until [I] did a 360 and got headed in the right direction." - NBA star Tracy McGrady, after signing with the Orlando Magic on Thursday.

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"-Basketball player Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert

"It's almost like we have ESPN."-Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."-Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice, 1982

"Tom."-Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name, 1966

"I'll always be Number 1 to myself." -Moses Malone

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."-Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"I don't want to shoot my mouth in my foot, but those are games we can win." -Sherman Douglas

"Anything that doesn't progress gets stuck or left behind. Our new sponsor is a company with a great future." -Club president Fernando Ruiz of the Spanish basketball club Gijon Baloncesto, which has accepted sponsorship from a pornographic website. The website owners say they are considering supplying their girls to act as cheerleaders at Gijon's home games.

"Play some Picasso." -Former New Jersey Net Chris Morris, to a piano player at a hotel bar while trying to impress a date.

"Unstoppable, baby!" -Warrior rookie Marc Jackson to the Mavericks' bench, after hitting a lay-up during a 29-point loss.
"I've been dunked on by (Vitaly) Potapenko and now (Zan) Tabak. The good part is that they don't make posters of those guys." - Houston Rockets forward Walt Williams

"No comment." -Michael Jordan, after being asked for his response to making the All-Interview Team.

"I will shoot all you Asian (bleeps) ... Do you remember the Vietnam War? I'll kill y'all just like that." -Point guard Jason Williams to a fan of Asian descent sitting behind the Kings bench during a game at Golden State. Williams was fined $15,000 by the NBA.

This blog is going to be devoted to the absolute worst of professional basketball. We'd call it NBAwful, but the NBA won't even let you talk about a game without their express written consent, and so I doubt they'd let us use that title. I'd hate for David Stern to try and lock us in the same cage he's keeping Ron Artest in.

Yes, we'll cover about everything, from Uwe Blab to the 1991 Denver Nuggets, as well as the many ridiculous things our "favorite" players have said (Kobe: "I told Karl [Malone] I was going to f*** him up!") and done (Charles Barkley spitting on a 12-year old girl).

- The Basketbawful Staff