*Picks up laptop and brushes away several layers of dust* Uh...Hello? Anybody out there? To all three of you who are still hanging around, I want to say thanks for sticking it out. The reason for my absence? Life I suppose. Not only am I planning a wedding, but I'm also searching for a new house. Happy, yet stressful times. But fear not. I'm back to sprinkle this blog with more of my cynicism and armchair analysis, while providing a few mild chuckles along the way.

Last season I profiled OJ Mayo. Highly vaunted coming out of high school. Questions orbiting around him in regards to his character. After four up and down season in Memphis, he was poised to make a big splash in Dallas. He proved to be a player who could shine against lesser teams. However, when the pressure was high, his basketball IQ was low. And thus, he only lasted a single season in Dallas. He stood at the crossroads and decided to journey down the path of suckage.

 Ball = Mavericks Season

This offseason I want to take a look at the young career of one Johnathan Hildred Wall Jr. John Wall's basketball career started out with controversy. According to the all knowing, always accurate Wikipedia, Wall had to repeat his sophomore year in high school. He was also cut from the team for "attitude-related issues." As a result he transferred to Word of God Christian Academy in Raleigh North Carolina. As a fifth year senior Wall nearly averaged a triple double. 19.7 points, 9 assists, and 8 rebounds. Wall was a blur on the court. Just check out his high school highlight reel. It’s like a Boy-God playing against a bunch of retarded old men.


Wall was recruited by Duke, Georgia Tech, and Kansas. However, he chose to play for John Calipari at the University of Kentucky. Trouble would follow him there as well. Wall was suspended for a game because of "travel benefits" he received from his AAU coach who happened to be an agent at the time. (It wouldn’t be a good year without a controversial Calipari recruit.) There he teamed up with one of the biggest knuckleheads in recent basketball history, Demarcus Cousins. Together, they formed a dance duo known as the, "The Boogie Down Ballers"......Nah, just kidding. But If I wouldn't have said anything, you probably would have believed me. At Kentucky, the two freshmen were known for their dancing abilities, just as much as their basketball abilities. John led the Wildcats to a number one seed in the NCAA tourney. They ended up losing in the Elite Eight in a battle of the red neck states to West Virginia. He finished his collegiate career averaging 16.6 pts, 6.4 ast, and 4.3 rebs.

   "Let's go serve those guys."

After his impressive lone season at the University of Kentucky, Mr. Wall elected to take his dancing talents to the NBA. On June 24th, 2010, he was the number one overall pick by the Washington Wizards. During that year's Vegas Summer League, it didn't take long to see why Hildred was the top selection. His physical talents where amazing. Zigging-and-zagging, bobbing-and-weaving, shucking-and-a-jiving. Johnny's flash gave DC hoops fans something to hope for. The franchise was at an all time low thanks to Gilbert Arenas. His gun incident with fellow teammate Javaris Crittenton left the team so bombed out and depleted, that Barack Obama was forced to sign a bill that would allow military planes to drop emergency care packages all over the Verizon Center.

 Ground Zero

Wall had an impressive rookie season despite being mentored by Gilbert "I used to be good but now I can't stay healthy but the Wizards still overpaid for me anyway oh yeah and I reeeeeally like guns" Arenas. John showed he had a knack for passing. He averaged over 8 dimes per contest. I even made the claim that he would be a better pure point guard than Derrick Rose. (The jury is still out on that.) He also averaged over 16 points and nearly 2 steals a game. His efforts allowed him to be named to the All Rookie Team, and finish second in the voting for Rookie of the Year. He lost to Blake Griffin, but he wasn't really a true rookie anyway. The only major knock on his game was his jumper.

Well isn't that nice...wit yo horrible field goal percentage from beyond 20 feet havin ass

His midrange game was/is very shaky, and he only managed to shoot 29% from three that season. But no big deal right? Not every star was a strong shooter coming into the league. A few names come to mind. Lebron James...Jason Kidd...heck, even Jordan's three point shooting was in the teens for his first four seasons. How bad could John Wall get? Huh? What's that? SEVEN PERCENT FROM THREE?!?!?! *Checks basketball-reference.com* Holy Shit, 7%....According to NBA.com's stats section. He shot 14% on shots 20-24 feet from the rim in his second season. Not to mention the Wizards started the season 0-8. I blame the lockout. I mean how do they expect a guy to be prepared to play in the NBA when he's got to catch lobs all summer at the Drew League?


Wall missed the first portion of last season and only appeared in 49 games. However in those 49, the Wizards were 24-25. He finished the season with a flurry. Averaging 23 point and 7.8 assist over his last 25 games. However, the Wizards failed to make the playoffs yet again. But John Wall's late season excellence didn't go unnoticed. He woke everyone up as to say "Hey, I'm still here...Ya know, the guy who was once comparable to Derrick Rose, Rajon Rondo, and Russell Westbrook."

There are no more excuses for John Wall. He goes into the 2013-2014 campaign leading a stacked team. Lottery picks Bradley Beal and Otto Porter. Veteran bigs Nene and Emeka Okafor. Playoff tested wings such as Trevor Ariza and Al Harrington. The bottom half of the Eastern Conference is weak, so a 7th or 8th seed is very much possible. Like OJ Mayo, John Wall stands a crossroads in his career. But unlike Mayo, Wall has already gotten paid; to the tune of a 5 year $80 million dollar contract earlier this month. The pressure to perform has never been greater. When OJ Mayo fizzled out in Dallas, it barely made a blip on the radar. But if Wall can't lead his team to the playoffs this season, the entire league will take notice. The Washington Wizards have a lot riding on the shoulders of one player. I look forward to seeing how it all plays out.
Don't let his TNT gig fool you, Shaq is still waiting to hear from a contender

Well folks, it's been awhile.  We've had a lot of changes this past summer, with teams going from 1st round exits to legit contenders (Rockets), perennial playoff teams to lottery power house (Celtics, probably even the Lakers), and well....those teams that will always be basement dwellers along with A-Rod's dignity (Too many to name, especially with Riggins for Wiggins being in full effect this coming season).  
I'm going to divide this up into 6 parts will try to get them all out faster than between the time of my last post and this one!

Without further ado, here is the first part of the best, but actually worst of free agency:

Atlanta Hawks:

Looks like Walter White won't be the only bald guy looking to build an empire this summer.  Danny Ferry has risen from the ashes like a phoenix (not a Phoenix Sun though, because then he would just come crashing right back down) to rebuild the treadmill playoff kings of old....into the treadmill playoff kings of new!

They offered nearly 10 Million a year to Paul Millsap on a two year deal since nobody really wants to commit to the Hawks long term.

They also fought off those fiends from Milwaukee who love to prey on every single player who's under 6'6 to match a 4 year 32 million dollar offer sheet to keep Jeff Teague within driving distance of the world's first (and I'm guessing only) Coca Cola Museum!

However, what the Hawks really needed and achieved with flying colors was landing a defensive anchor:

Yes folks, Kyle Korver.  A one man wrecking ball on defense.  They even convinced him to stay by giving a him legit backup in Elton Brand to man the front line.

Hopefully the Hawks got the defensive beast Korver pictured above and not the one below:

The Artists Formerly Known as the Boston Celtics:


Oh boy, it wasn't that long ago the Celtics were up 13 in a Game 7 for the title, followed up by a very respectable Conference Finals showing in 2012 pushing the eventual champions to the full 7 games as well.


Well, let's just say they'd be lucky to push the Roswell High Girls Varsity team to four quarters.

They went from a nucleus of Garnet/Pierce/Rondo to Mr. Kardashian/The Corpse of Gerald Wallace/ and Rondo with half a good knee.

It got so bad that even their championship coach took one look at the new roster and fled as far away on American soil as he possibly could to avoid the stench.

Danny Ainge is downright pumped for this coming season...as are all the new Celtics

Well, Danny Ainge always promised to continue building a contender for an east coast town that started with the letter "B"...

Speaking of which...

Brooklyn Netterbockers:

You know, you have to give credit where credit is due.  These guys had some major albatrosses on their roster in Joe Johnson (that contract still sucks) and Gerald Wallace (I was going to post his dollars per basket ratio but my calculator exploded) and looked to be a more expensive version of the Atlanta Hawks in terms of treadmill playoff teams.

But now?

Well they added a new big bald three (Garnett, Pierce and Terry), and look like legit contenders for a title.

There might be some question marks in terms of the age of the roster, lack of a bench, and being led by Jason But I can't coach, for I'm just a Kidd! who I might add is already starting his tenure as the new head coach with a multi-game suspension for a DUI bust.

Still, I'm sure 85% of the league would trade spots with the Nets right now.


Well, they decided to throw $41 million dollars at a center who can't defend worth a lick.

After picking up all those dollar bills from the floor, Al Jefferson looks to be the cornerstone of this franchise that looks to make some noise this coming season!

Ahh, who am I kidding.  You can take the team (name) out of the Bobcats but you can never take the Bobcats out of the team.

Chicago Bulls:

They replaced Marco Belinelli with Mike Dunleavy but the biggest positive is that Derrick Rose looks to be mentally ready for this season (for now, anyway).

They also resigned Nazr Mohammed to a one year deal, which was one year more than what any of the other 29 teams were offering.

If there is an upside to Rose's injury last season, it was that the Bulls were able to find a gem in Jimmy Butler who was a beast defensively (even better than Korver people!) and flourished with the extended minutes (and by extended minutes I mean going from 8 minutes a game to playing the full 48 every game...gotta love playing for Lord Thibodeau)

Really, for Bulls fans anything has to be better than seeing this night in and night out:

Cleveland Cadavers:

They splurged $25 Million on Jarrett Jack, got a nice pickup in Earl Clark (2 years, 9 Million), but the real deal would have to be playing Russian roulette with the bees knees (or rather a player whose knees are as uhh strong as that of a bee) in Andrew Bynum.

The Cavs handed him a two a year deal plus a dollar for every time he hurt himself playing Wii Bowling (That's 24 million folks!).

 You mean to tell me the benches have more leg room in Cleveland than they do in Philly?!

I still say the Cavs make the playoffs for the first time in the post LeBron era, but they do need to step up in the defense department though.

I mean, they can't even stop a fan from running onto the court let alone athletic NBA level players:

And finally, even if things don't work for Andrew, at least he'll always have Plan B to fall back on:

Keep your eyes peeled for Part 2 of the Free Agency Primer!