Previous installments: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.

At times, being Mat's roommate was an exercise in helpless frustration. At other times, it was a source of endless hilarity. As much as I hated the unceasing sexcapades going on across the room for me, I was constantly amazed at the lengths girls would go to in order to sleep with my roommate. They were willing to be put on display, offered up as sloppy seconds, forced to drive halfway across the country for a booty call, so on and so forth. Some even did his homework for him. I had always assumed that this sort of treatment was reserved for men who were already rich and famous. Now I was learning that some women are willing to demean themselves based solely on a man's Tremendous Upside Potential. Mat was undeniably huge, and, as basketball scouts and experts love to say, you can't teach size. It was therefore widely assumed that he'd immediately become a great college player, after which he'd naturally transition into a long and productive NBA career.

Yeah. That didn't happen. But nobody could have known at the time.

Girls were in and out of Mat's bed so fast you'd think his genitals were the baton in some sort of secret (and bizarre) relay race. It got so out of hand at one point early in the semester that girls were cold calling him with offers of casual sex. I am not kidding. One day I came home from class to discover the following message on our answering machine: "Hi, Mat. [giggle]. My name's [whatever]. I've never met you before, but I know you're really [giggle] big, and I bet that means you have a big [deep breath] penis [giggle]. And I was hoping you might want to [deep breath] put it in me. If you're interested, please call me at [phone number]. Byeeee!"

In case you're wondering, the answers are: yes, he called her; yes, she came over; and yes, they had sex. (I'm sure it was three and a half minutes she will forever treasure.) That wasn't the only call of its kind. These weren't trolls or beastly goblin-women, either. These were hot girls. Some of them were actually intelligent and well-read. I know this only because sometimes they would chat me up after Mat had rolled over and gone to sleep. (I never discovered whether he was genuinely tired or that was his method of dismissal.) Not because they found me interesting or anything like that. They simply wanted to pump me for information about Mat.

I soon became, more or less by default, Mat's accomplice and sex secretary. I kept his secrets, covered his ass, and made sure his various "dates" (which were usually nothing more than hookups or booty calls) never overlapped. This was not something Mat and I agreed on, or something we ever even discussed openly. It just sort of evolved out of the unspoken Bro Code that guys live by. I didn't enjoy it, but soon I was in so deep there was no way out...other than pulling down the house of cards that Mat had been so carelessly building around him. And it felt wrong to do that to him. What a laugh, right?

It wasn't always easy, either. I often became the focus of womanly wrath. And let me tell you, hell hath no fury like it. Unable to get to Mat, many of these girls -- who were usually jilted and ignored after the first date -- chose to vent their rage at me. In fact, some of them blamed me outright. "Why didn't you tell me he was such a selfish pig?!" one of them screamed at me over the phone. Another showed up at our door, shrieked "How could you let him do that to me?!" and demanded to go through his things. (To what purpose, I have no idea.) When I didn't let her in the room, she yelled through the door for a couple minutes before storming off. When I told Mat about these incidents, he'd just laugh.

So the f*ckbuddies and booty calls came and went. The only constant female presence in Mat's life was Shelly...until Jennifer came along.

Jennifer was a freshman who was planning to major in English. She was "only" slightly above average in appearance, which made her seem incredibly plain next to most of Mat's conquests. But she was the most persistent and patient of Mat's suitors. She also was the one who asked for the least. In most cases, girls became clingy and demanding almost immediately after they slept with Mat, which might be part of the reason why he ditched them so quickly. Jennifer, on the other hand, was eager and submissive. I'm not trying to be mean when I say this, but she reminded me of a dog that had been abused for so long that she was willing to endure anything for the teensiest scrap of human kindness.

And so she became Mat's first and only "regular." That's not to say that Mat stopped dating around and sleeping with other women, but Jennifer was the only girl who made return appearances. She was also the only girl, other than Shelly, whose phone calls Mat returned. Sometimes, he even called her on his own. Jennifer made the mistake of assuming this treatment meant Mat cared about her, maybe even loved her. I have to admit, I made the same mistake.

See, at the time, I couldn't believe that a guy would want to sleep around without commitment. To me, the only relationship model was: fall in love, have sex, get married, live happily ever after. And sometimes the "have sex" part came after the "get married" part. Yeah, I know. I was a schmuck.

As Mat's de facto sex secretary, dealing with Jennifer became a part-time job. She called frequently and, even more dangerously, showed up at random times. Unlike the other girls who tried to glom onto my roommate, she was never checking up on him or trying to catch him with someone else. Jennifer simply enjoyed being with Mat and wanted to shower him with love and affection. And gifts. She was always bringing him things. Food, CDs, jewelry, little knickknacks that reminded her of him. She truly loved Mat, or she believed she did anyway.

Things started to get very serious very fast. Within a few weeks of "dating" Mat, Jennifer dropped out of school to work at Taco Bell full time. Why? So she could provide economic support to Mat, who was unable to work due to his responsibilities to the men's basketball team. "He's under a lot of pressure," she explained to me. "And until he goes to the NBA, he's going to need a lot of emotional and financial help. That's where I come in." I still remember the sweet, stupid smile she had on her face when she said that. I honestly didn't know whether to pity her or try to slap her back to human reality. I opted for pity.

The situation started to wear on my conscience, though, because Jennifer was making some really bad life decisions for a guy who probably couldn't be counted on to do right by her in the long-run. Still, for some strange reason, I wanted to give Mat the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to believe he wasn't a complete douchebag. So one day when we were alone, I asked whether he wanted to date Jennifer long term.

"I dunno," he said, and it was pretty clear he didn't want to think about it.

I wouldn't relent, though. "Look, Mat," I said, "you realize Jennifer's in love with you, right?"

"Yeah, so?"

"And you also realize that she dropped out of school to support you, right?" I said, searching for any sign of humanity within him.

He said nothing.

"Mat, she's giving up her future for you," I said. "If you don't want to be with her, why are you stringing her along?"

He paused for a second, and then he said something I will never, ever forget. "Because she swallows."

He was being completely serious too.

So the weeks passed. Jennifer would come by every night or every other night. She'd bring Taco Bell, service Mat physically (by massaging him or whatever) and sexually (self-explanatory), and then she'd stay overnight or Mat would usher her out, either because he wanted time "alone" (except for me, because I was always in the room) or he had another date lined up.

It was a pretty sweet setup for Mat, because, again, she never once asked for anything except a little of his spare time here or there. But eventually, for whatever reason, Mat got tired of her. One day, he let me know, "I'm done with Jennifer."

I had figured the day was coming. And even though I felt Jennifer was stupid for not seeing Mat for who he was, I also had a lot of empathy for her. "Just let her down easy okay?"

"F*** that!" he said. "I'm gonna just ignore her 'til she goes away."

I couldn't believe it. Well, I could, sort of, but I still said, "Don't do that to her, man. She deserves better than that. Just tell her."

"No way," he said. And that was the end of the conversation.

The next two weeks were an exercise in avoidance. Mat wouldn't take her calls, nor would he return them. He actually left the door closed and locked until he figured it was too late for her to come by. And she did come by. Mat simply used the peephole to make sure the door never got opened when she knocked. It was surprisingly cowardly for such a big, scary man.

Near the end of the second week, she stopped by one evening when I was in the room alone. By this point, she was frantic. "Please," she pleaded, eyes brimming with tears, "just tell me what's going on."

I figured at this point there was no point beating around the bush or trying to keep Mat's secrets. He wanted her out of his life. "Okay," I replied, "but do you want me to let you down easy, or do you want the whole truth? Because the truth is pretty ugly."

"I want the truth," she said.

"And you're completely sure abo..."

"Tell me!" she screamed.

Part of me still wishes I hadn't made that offer. I would rather have told her that Mat simply didn't want to date her anymore and left it at that. Maybe she would have accepted it. Maybe she wouldn't have. But it sucked -- I mean really sucked -- being the one to have to break her heart so completely.

"Mat's avoiding you," I began. "He doesn't want to date you anymore, and he hopes that if he ignores you long enough you'll just go away. He doesn't love you and he never did. He's been dating and sleeping around the entire time he's been dating you. He kept you around because you were convenient and because you swallowed. But he's tired of you know, so whatever the two of you had, it's over."

"I was a virgin," she said quietly, almost to herself.

Uh oh.

Jennifer hiccupped a couple times and took a deep breath to steady herself. I was expecting more tears, maybe even a mild to moderate freakout. But she looked oddly calm, almost serene. She thanked me for my honesty, walked slowly away, and then disappeared down the stairs. I assumed I would never see her again.

Two nights later, around 1 a.m., I was in bed suffering through my usual half-sleep while Mat sat in his giant chair watching MTV in the glow of his Heineken light. The door to our room was wide open. Suddenly, even in my semi-consciousness, I became aware of a silhouette in the doorway. It was Jennifer. She had a grocery bag in one hand. The other hand was at her side, shaking and balled into a fist.

I sat up without a word and walked past her out of the room. I sat on the floor across the hall and waited. Jennifer turned off the Heineken sign and turned on the room's main light. She then proceeded to rip Mat a new asshole for the next hour. She recited all the things she'd done for him, all the sacrifices, not the least of which had been her college career. She tallied up the money she'd given him (which I hadn't known about until then). She described the whole lot of nothing Mat had done for her, which was capped off by the spineless way he'd tried to break up with her. I have to tell you, she was venomous and she was mean. And even though Mat totally deserved it, I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for the guy.

To wrap things up, she opened the grocery bag and dumped its contents onto the floor. It was all the remained of the gifts she had bought him in advance. I remember only two things from the pile: a Care Bear doll and a 14K gold earring of his jersey number that she'd had custom made.

"Take it," she said. "Take it all. I don't want it."

With that, she turned off the light. Then she broke down and began to sob. She covered her face with her hands and then ran from the room. I never saw her again. As far as I know, Mat didn't either. I have no idea what happened to her.

I got up and walked to the doorway. Mat was dead silent. The room was pitch black, and I could barely make out his outline in the glow of the hallway lights. Like I said, he had deserved the verbal beat down. There's no question about that. But he was also a human being, and he'd gotten blistered pretty badly. I felt my first major surge of compassion for him...a feeling that I would experience only one other time while we lived together.

"Dude," I said with all the empathy I could muster, "are you okay?"

He was quiet for another second or two, and then he started to laugh. It started out as a low chuckle and then built into a huge, full-forced howl.

"OH MY GOD," he bellowed, "I REALLY F*CKED HER OVER DIDN'T I?" And his laughter continued.

I know I keep using the phrase "I couldn't believe it" with regards to my old roommate, but I really couldn't believe it. Mat had broken a young girl as utterly and completely as she could be broken by her first serious romance, and he thought it was funny. I don't know. Maybe he was just putting up a front. Maybe that was his way of dealing with whatever guilt he felt. Or maybe he was just a rat bastard. I'll never know for sure.

Anyway, I'm done flash-forwarding for now. As this story continues, just know that Jennifer was always around, if not always noticed, a running subplot in the drama of that first semester. A subplot that ended badly and (to me) revealed a rather jarring truth about Mat's personality.

Now, back to the day after Mat stole that giant chair from some nameless sorority. I spent the day dreading the night, at which time I was sure he'd ask to bunk our beds. But now that he had the chair, he was exceptionally content with the room the way it was. And while the bed bunking would come up again, for now everything was copacetic. So much so, in fact, that he purchased a disposable camera to take pictures of the room that he could mail to his parents in Holland.

He then took two pictures of me. "My parents wanna know what my roommate looks like," he explained. I still remember what I was working on: an essay about gender construction in the advertisements shown in Cosmo. As you look at these pictures, you'll note that 1) I hadn't yet emerged from my "painfully nerdy" stage, 2) I hadn't yet found a barber in my new town and thus my hair was out-of-control long, 3) I studied in my glasses (the contacts came out promptly at 8 p.m.) which were laughably huge, and 4) I was wearing the immortal Larry Bird shorts that Wild Yams often gives me a hard time about. Not also the stark contrast between my side of the room and Mat's.

dorm room 1a

Dig my super-awesome entertainment center. Otherwise known as a desk chair.

Dorm Room 2

And since I'm being completely self-indulgent, here's a picture of our floor's undefeated flag football team, the Smokers Club. You'll notice me in the back row on the far right, sans glasses and apparently after a haircut. Oh, and that guy giving the peace sign? That's none other than BadDave. I find the peace sign somewhat ironic since BadDave was known for knocking people on their ass. (BadDave's motto was: "The body's part of the flag.") He was a helluva block, and he led our team in quarter back sacks. A total flag football rockstar. Which very nearly excuses his super-mullet.

Smokers Club

Next time: A brief visit from the Future NBA All-Star.

Part 7

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Blogger eileen said...
I'm sort of mentally struggling with this series- Mat is so vile and despicable that I don't want to find out more, but the whole thing is so ridden with delicious train-wreck drama that I just can't stop myself from reading.
Thanks for the entertainment.

Oh, and is that a mock turtleneck you're wearing? Awesome.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
eileen -- No, no, Gods, no! It's actually a Butler University sweatshirt I stole from my at-the-time not-girlfriend.

Blogger Sturla said...
Best. Story. Ever.

Blogger Wormboy said...
Wow, I thought there might be a shred of decency in Mat, but apparently not.

Still, the story is pure awesome.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
For the record - it's not a mullet. I had equally long hair but the hat covers it up.

Blogger Dima said...
Mat is a horrible horrible person...

Was it really his Tremendous Upside Potential that the ladies dug? Or was he attractive? What was it about this guy?

Blogger Nick Flynt said...
That was a well defined piece of literature. I was hanging on edge as the Jenifer plot line climaxed (giggety).

Strange, I didn't imagine BadDave as a poor man's Dave Mustaine.

I love how you call your hair out of control long. Not to give insight into my basement-dwelling life, but mine is down to my back at this point, and it strikes me as strange.

The Larry Bird shorts are going to be an epic long-run joke, of course.

And my final thoughts: That picture is perfect, because you don't even see the school name. If it weren't for half of one part of a shirt, and some school colors, the elaborate mystery for new readers would still be going completely.

P.S. How sweet of a band name would Elaborate Mystery be? Maybe an indy-punk thing.

Blogger Will said...
I now know who your roommate is.
He's the Joker. No one else could laugh like that.

Anonymous montague the third said...
you could be making this story up completely and I could care less. If only you could type fast or just upload audio of the rest today!

Blogger chris said...
Man, Matholomew, if you ever have kids...when they get old enough to go to college, will you recount your tale as a guide to surviving tertiary education!?

CAPTCHA: defliper, i.e. "There are some in the Association who wish they could turn Ginobili into a deflipper for the integrity of the game."

Blogger chris said...
montague the third: Okay, I think we loyal Bawful readers need to demand a podcast version of this, that can then easily become an audiobook type deal.

With BadDave chiming in every few paragraphs.

Blogger Fundefined said...
Found this gem when searching for your college through the archives

"And since I'm an emotional drunk, a post-meeting malaise often sets in, during which I can be found sitting disconsolately in a cubicle Googling my college girlfriend because maybe, just maybe, after all these years we can actually make it work."

I'm guessing this is Aimee since you said in the comments

"I agree, stalking your high school gf is cooler than stalking your college gf. But in my case, they're the same girl, so I'm in the clear."

So you still aren't quite over yet.

Blogger Will said...
When the girls cold-called Mat, did you ever get the idea to call them back, imitate his voice, and make up a reason he couldn't tap them and tell them to screw his roomie instead?

Anonymous Marc said...
I also have a friend who got a ridiculous amount of female attention due to his Tremendous Upside Potential. Then he blew out his arm and now he's a furniture salesman, but he's still got a hot girlfriend.

I think that once you learn how to manipulate women, you can do it for the rest of your life even though your upside potential has vanished. I bet Mat is still treating women like shit today. Although I'm sure the quality has diminished significantly.

Man that shit drives me crazy though. I always tried to do the right thing and it never got me anywhere.

Basketbawful, please tell me you are married or have a hot girlfriend or at the very least still get a lot of action. Give us hope!

Also, conscious = conscience

Even though it makes me want to break things, I still love this story. Keep it up.

Blogger medrawt said...
Two things I have to know:

(1) Within a few weeks Jennifer dropped out to work at Taco Bell. Can you be more specific? Two weeks? Six weeks? I'm fascinated. And flabbergasted. And appalled. And I feel sorry both for Jennifer and for humanity as a whole.

(2) In comments to a prior installment, there was mention of a Future NFL Player. In the appropriate time range it looks like there were a few future NFL players from your school, but was the one in question on your floor a future multiple Pro Bowl fullback who spent his entire career, and won a championship, with a piratical franchise?

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Man, after reading about what Mat did to Jennifer, I may have to start scouring the web for videos of his MMA fights where he gets the shit kicked out of him. Mr. Bawful, have you ever met anyone anywhere near as sociopathic as him since? I'm trying to think if I've ever met anyone nearly that bad and I'm pretty sure I haven't. Do you feel like living with him and being forced into being his "sex secretary" damaged or jaded you in any way? One would have to think that observing all of this might have colored your view of women along with just making you despise Mat.

Also, I'd like to echo Dima's question about what was it about Mat that seemed to attract all those women. You say it was probably his earning potential as an NBA star, but it sounded like from that message maybe there were just a bunch of size queens on your campus who were looking for some serious deep dicking.

I can't tell you how happy I am to see actual photographic evidence of the Larry Bird shorts! What ever became of those shorts? Do you still have them? If so, are they framed on the wall, or do you still play pickup ball in them? I better not find out that Mat stole them when you weren't looking or something equally awful. Anyway, thanks for posting pics of the famed shorts. Now I just need to see pictures of the video tape and DVD collection and I'll be able to die happy :)

I'm also now on the edge of my seat waiting to hear your response to Fundefined's question above.

Anonymous dunkside said...

"Dunkside - you forget. At this time, Bawful was literally so awkward and shy that he had no idea about doing those things. He wanted to study and sleep - bunking the beds would have certainly permanently ended the latter."

now that i see the pictures, i understand.

no offense basketbawful, but these pictures of yours fit much better the kind of nerdy stuck-up vibe your character gave off in these stories so far than the pirate costume picture you posted some time ago.

i think mat thought he was a really nice guy for offering you sloppy seconds. and those girls asking you if you like the view or just ignoring you like a piece of furniture, they probably thought of your own sexuality as completely non-existent.

and now i think i can better understand your frustration.

Anonymous montague the third said...
I stumbled across this when I activated my Google Reader on my iPhone and I was adding sports content. I had no clue what it was, but apparently I "tuned in" at the a very good time. You sir, have just earned yourself a life-long reader... now when can we expect to see that Podcast my man Chris is mentioned?

Blogger chris said...
WY: Yeah, I concur, fundefined's question is going to be the cliffhanger of the early part of Livin' Large, that's for sure!

Or maybe we'll find subtle hints in Bawful's lacktion writeups before I came along...

Blogger Cortez said...
"I never discovered whether he was genuinely tired or that was his method of dismissal."


"And I feel sorry both for Jennifer and for humanity as a whole."

I feel sorry for her too. Sorry that her parents did such a shitty job educating her.

Also, in some significant way she was banking on him pulling in major pesos in the league. Oops!

...not that any of those facts brush aside "Mat" being a near-complete asshole. However, the only person's behavior and judgment you are in control of is yourself.

"Put a quarter in your ass because you played yourself."
~Big Daddy Kane

Anonymous reggyray said...
I am seriously addicted to this story - I've been checking the site ever few hours for this latest part.

BTW, how many installments do you plan to write? Hopefully they never end.

Blogger Cortez said...
By the way chief...

I had those very same shorts!

Blogger Basketbawful said...
BadDave -- Long hair all over. Noted.

Buck Nasty -- Firstly, everybody's hair is different. Some people can grow down-the-back hair and it looks fine. Once my hair passed a certain point, it became a bush. That's where it was in those pics.

Secondly, I have to admit, I clumsily Photoshopped out the school name from all three pics.

Will -- It's sad that part of me still wants to believe he laughed out of defensiveness and guilt...even though that's probably not the case.

montague the third -- Isn't anticipation part of the fun?

chris -- If I ever have kids, I'm sure I'll tell them my stories so often that by the time they get to college they'll be sick of my stories and therefore disregard all of my advice. You know, like every other kid who ever lived.

Also, I am very seriously considering doing at least one podcast installment, since these stories have been delivered orally for so many years...and I do a dead-on Mat impression.

Fundefined -- Wow. Good catches. Yes, I was referring to Aimee in those snippets. Just understand that, outside of these stories, I like to exaggerate my neuroses for comedic effect. So while I have indeed Googled Aimee out of idle curiosity, I am over her and haven't stalked her in days. I mean, years. Yeah. Years.

We did share a very brief e-mail correspondance last year. I still keep in contact with her folks, though. Her dad gave me my basketball education, and he acted as a surrogate father figure for me during college, for which I'll always be grateful.

Will -- I am very, very sad to report that I never once considered trying to pull a fast one on any of the girls who cold called Mat. You know, I totally could have been a sexual remora, feeding off of Mat's discarded scraps. But I whiffed on that opportunity.

Marc -- TUP has benefitted many a man. And going out of your way to do the right thing or be the nice guy will get you nowhere. That's not to say you should be a douche like Mat was, just that you shouldn't compromise being yourself in order to be Mr. Nice Guy. It either repels women or builds in them unrealistic expectations.

Without revealing too much of my mysterious post-college life, I can tell you this: there is hope...there is lots and lots of hope.

(And, as it turned out, there was lots of hope in college too. I was just a late bloomer.)

medrawt -- Replies:

1. It was about a month or so into the semester. Four to six weeks sounds about right.

2. No, it wasn't the guy you were thinking of. This particular fellow was a defensive end...and he plays on one of the teams that appeared in the 2009 Super Bowl. How's that for a nice hint?

Blogger chris said...

In regards to your fifth year..."And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson?!"

Okay, I want THAT to be the followup series after Livin' Large. STAT.

Blogger Unknown said...
Dude you have to tell us how long this series is going to be. I can't one day up and come upon the last one without some mental preparation. This is my favoraite lunch time at work read right now.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Cortez -- I agree with you about Jennifer, although I certainly know plenty of kids who were raised correctly and yet did the wrong things anyway. I would say she was interested in his potential NBA bankroll -- as most if not all of these girls were -- however, and I might be wrong about this, but she seemed more interested in just having the security of a man who loved her and who would stay with her forever. I omitted from this post that she was at least somewhat doubtful about his ability to make it to the NBA, and so she strongly urged him to take his studies more seriously...which was hilarious since 1) he was an art major and 2) she dropped out of school.

Re: You had the same shorts...NO WAY!

dunkside -- I was very much the awkward, tight-assed nerd. I'll probably talk about this more in a future installment, but there were plenty of ways I could have been a better roommate for Mat, which might have made things go more smoothly between us.

I will say right now that I'm very fortunate to have hooked up with BadDave as a roommate, because he seriously helped me loosen the hell up. And by the time we finished college, the student had become the master.

reggyray -- I have no set number of installments...I will keep writing until the story is done. But the short, unspecific answer is: Several more.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Mr. Bawful - I dunno if you can edit a comment, but you just named your school in your second to last one. Just FYI.

Blogger said...
come on dude...
west lafayette was full of Jennifers...
I had one... she was a townie her parents were professors and she used to do anything for me.. i didn't even have to ask, she'd just bring the shit over and give it to me. (mine didn't drop out, she was a phd student) alot of times, townies would do w/e to keep you around because you were 'exotic' i moved there from the virgin islands, so i had that island accent and they loved it!

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Wild Yams -- Thanks for pointing out my mistake. Here's the re-post minus the college name.

I have met a few people who were at least as sociopathic as Mat, and maybe moreso, since living with him. I suppose you could say these people were even worse, since they had to develop a system whereas Mat was able to do what he did out of pure convenience.

Oddly enough, I wasn't the least bit jaded by all the things I saw and experienced as Mat's roommate. I came out of that year still believing in the inherent goodness of people and the human spirit. It wasn't until my fifth and final year at college when, due to a series of very negative experiences with Aimee (yes, she was still in and out of my life) and my victimization at the hands of a particularly devious older woman (who may, in fact, be the most sociopathic person I've ever met) that I became angry and jaded. I eventually overcame the angry part, but the general cynacism has persisted to a greater or lesser degree...depending on my mood and whether the Lakers won or lost on a given night.

In general, women were attracted to Mat because he was semi-famous (as a varsity baller), he was huge (ergo, exotic) and he had the Tremendous Upside Potential going for him. Oh, and there was the bad boy know, how women (especially younger women) are attracted to assholes. He also had instant popularity (due to his local celebrity as a baller) and access to parties/events/bars/etc. Basically, he had a pretty good combination going for him, in terms the various things that can be used to attract chicks.

Here's the funny thing. Before I dug out those pics, I forgot I was wearing the Larry Bird shorts. The fact that I was wearing them was perfect.

I'm not sure what became of those shorts. I don't have them anymore, but I don't believe I would have consciously disposed of them. I would have to guess that they were a casualty of the many moves I made during college...sucked into the abyss of missing clothes.

By the by, this goes out to anyone: If you're enjoying my college stories, chances are you would also enjoy Chad Kultgan's The Lie. I highly recommend it.

Blogger chris said...
Wild Yams: Sad thing is, before then, the photos gave it away. Way away.

I think I also knew someone who went there from my days growing up in the SF Bay Area...and didn't finish...and didn't exactly end up making much of himself going back home, either. LOL

Blogger chris said...
BTW, Bawful, with a little bit of google and a whole lot of "The New Yorker," your alma mater is rather easily found to begin with.


Blogger chris said...
clyde: And did it work out after graduation???

Anonymous montague the third said...
Good eyes WY, but he pretty much outted himself with the mention of DE, "RC", wouldn't you say?

Blogger Victor said...
Oh, Bawful, you look straight out of the 90's.

I feel pretty sorry for Jennifer, but no guy is going to take advantage of like that unless you let him. Sadly enough, I know women who are twice that age who end up in the same trap because they "love him."

I have to admit though. I did laugh out loud after seeing Mat's "OH MY GOD I REALLY FUCKED HER OVER DIDN'T I?"

You really should consider writing a book, Mr. Bawful.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Mr. Bawful - At your recommendation I went ahead and ordered both of Chad Kultgan's books, so you better not have steered me wrong :)

You've really met a couple people more sociopathic than Mat? Who knew the midwest was such a mecca for sociopaths. I've lived in LA for most of my life and I've never met anyone nearly so sociopathic (or at least, I've never realized I've met anyone like that), and yet you would think LA would be filled with such people. I really can't wait to hear what happened between you and Aimee (I'm guessing she made off with the Larry Bird shorts, btw, you may want to bring that up in your next email exchange with her), and I'm dying to hear about this Mrs. Robinson-esque character (hat tip to chris for that comparison).

It's agony having to read this tale at the rate of one chapter a day. It's like getting a page turner in very small increments. You really, really need to flesh this out into a book; but it needs to be about Little Matt, not just Big Mat. It sounds like there is a hell of a character arc going on here, beginning with who you were at your HS graduation and ending with who you were at your college graduation. From your description above of how you became angry and jaded during this time, it might even be a Michael Corleone-esque character arc. I'm hooked. Let me know when I can pre-order this on Amazon :)

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Nonsense Yams. I'm sure if bawful made this into a book, he'd give us loyal basketbawful lackeys free autographed copies out of the kindness in his cyclically cynical soul.

And then we can brag that we knew the man in the LB shorts before he became best-selling author.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
People always told me be careful of what you do
And don't go around breaking young girls' hearts
And mother always told me be careful of who you love
And be careful of what you do 'cause the lie becomes the truth

I am really sad. Sad that every time I go into a Taco Bell or whatever, and see that lifeless look in the eyes of the 20's-someodd girl there, I will think her story is the same as this. Sad that I'm enjoying this story so damn much, that when it ends I will be heartbroken. Sad wishing I had an influence like Mat in my life, to filter out all the crazy women for me. Sloppy seconds bros 4 lyfe.

Blogger Cortez said...
"although I certainly know plenty of kids who were raised correctly and yet did the wrong things anyway."

Shitty parenting is implicit when they [the kids] do things "the wrong way".

They may have been well intentioned and did the best they could but still in all, it's an EPIC FAIL by definition!

Humans are fickle like that.

"Re: You had the same shorts...NO WAY!"

Yes WAY! On top of that, I grew up in the "inner-city" of Chicago in one of the most gang-infested neighborhoods on the south side going to every court with those very shorts!

Ahhhhhhh.....the memories!!!

Anonymous McGrooth said...
This is an excellent story! I didn't see them until #5, but I just went back and read all of them. Could someone who has guessed the identity please email me the name of our chief antagonist?

Blogger AK Dave said...
"I was a virgin..."

O_O >_<

WOW. Wow.

Between that and hearing about how she dropped out to work full-time at FUCKING TACO BELL, I can't think of a more tragic person on the planet. She got used like toilet paper.

Sounds like she made SOME guy really happy down the road though (/reference to swallowing).

Did she go back to school? Did she end up finding a non-sociopathic guy? Tell me her story doesn't end in complete and utter shame and embarrassment, please. I feel like making this poor girl some chamomile tea and handing her a tissue.

The other question that all of this begs is: how the (word that KG mouths on the sidelines) did she NOT KNOW that he was A) disinterested and B) sleeping with half of ****** University? She HAD to be either as naive and innocent as you make her sound, or just lying to herself because she wanted to believe that he loved her. Either way, damn. This story gets more and more compelling!

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: Dan B. and I went to Cleveland in 2006 for a Champcar (RIP) race and we stopped at a Tim Hortons Donuts on the way back, in some rural town just a few minutes south of Columbus.

The girl there, as we recall, was pretty sad and looked like she wanted to escape Ohio so badly.

And now, the way you make the comparison to Taco Bell Jennifer...I can't help recalling that girl at the donut shop. LOL.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hey, dis is Mat, 'ow could you?!?!?!?! I was running strange through there all da time for you, dey meant nothing to me. We are no longer roommates, by way of your actions.

Anonymous Baguete said...
Long time since my last visit to this blog. Awesome story! Cheers!

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
"So what's your story? You've got that melancholy in your eyes that can only come from hating Ohio or getting burned romantically by a basketball player"

Blogger SC said...
I started reading your blog because I enjoy your takes on pick-up basketball. Your college posts remind me of having an art major for a roommate. He took 9 credits, I like an idiot had an 8 am class. When he was not painting or smoking weed or using a turkey call through the halls of the dorm he could usually be counted on to be passed out with the Cartoon Network blasting out of the TV. It was an odd level of self-absorption and random acts that made living with him fun/annoying all in the same breath. Like an athlete except no women ever stayed very long on his side of the room.

Your story wouldn’t play as interesting if you were not opposites, Mat illustrates what becomes of athletes, and sooner or later they believe their own press clippings. Life is without consequences and someone is always willing to enable their bad behavior. Assuming you feel being misogynistic is bad behavior. Maybe he realized he didn’t have the skills and wanted to cash in on the skirt express before he became the night manager at Taco Bell.

Someone once compared living in the dorms to a dirty pair of underwear, ok at the time but once you took it off you wouldn’t put them back on. I could never imagine living in a dorm with a random human. Stupid things you do when you are young.

Blogger AK Dave said...

Hey hey HEY!! Ohio sucks, but let's take it easy here fellas. At least it's not Detroit (as the song goes)! And Ohio State is really awesome at taking 2nd place in various collegiate sports (not just football and basketball either!). And, as noted by chris- at least they HAVE Tim Hortons' there, so it can't be THAT bad, right? Right? Guys?

Aw F*&^ it. Ohio does suck; nevermind.


Henceforth she shall be known to all as "Taco Bell Jennifer". So let it be written, so let it be done.


So in the last photo, are you the guy above the guy in the blue condom-hat or to his left, wearing the marijuana leaf shirt? BTW, no fewer than 5 people in that pic are bearing the name of your mystery-U on their shirts.


No shame in having a mullet in the early-mid 90's dude; as long as you either played hockey or were Canadian-born. Otherwise, yeah, you're trailer-trash :D And until I see photographic evidence to prove otherwise, I'm going to pretend that your ****** University touque is indeed covering up a king-mullet :D

Blogger Henchman #2 said...

And hey, at least nobody died in your room that semester.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
chris -- I know it's relatively simple to figure this "mystery" out. I just don't want to name names. This story gets a little worse for the university, so, well, you know.

Also, you said: "In regards to your fifth year...'And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson?!' Okay, I want THAT to be the followup series after Livin' Large. STAT."

Well, let me tell you, it's the bawfulest story of them all. I'll give you the short-short version right now. After some seriously hard luck with Aimee and my second major college flame Susan (who will come into this story soon), I fell for this older woman who, as it turned out, was both a sociopath and an alcoholic. She ended up almost costing me my job (as the boss of the R.A.'s in my dorm) and my life (when her crazy, 50-something alcoholic secret boyfriend showed up with a gun and a really bad attitude). After that, I became almost as misogynistic as my old roommie. BadDave suggestetd I install a revolving door in my room for all the girls going in and out...and he wasn't complimenting me. I eventually gut-checked my way out of that phase, but it was a pretty dark time.

reuben -- If I knew how long, I swear I'd tell you. It'll go on for at least a few more weeks.

clyde -- I hope you now run a class teaching your sexy island accent.

Victor -- I was so very painfully 90s, wasn't I? Yeah. Sorry 'bout that. And I agree with you about people who are victimized in that many times they let it happen. Jennifer certainly had signs in front of her. But she wanted to believe the best of Mat. Unfortunately for her.

I do indeed plan to write a book. In fact, I've started several...I just have trouble finding time to finish them. Mostly because of all the blogging I do. Between Basketbawful, my old gig at Deadspin, Footbawful (which hopefully will return soon) and By The Horns, I haven't been able to get much done.

I do have a couple basketball-related pitches I want to make. If anything happens, believe me, it'll be announced here.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Yams -- Oh, cool. Well, read Average American Male first, then The Lie. They really need to be read in that order. We can discuss them when you're done.

You know, it's funny, one of Basketbawful's very first fans (whom I haven't spoken to in quite some time) lives in L.A. She's an aspiring actress/photographer/writer/etc., and she used to tell me some of the wildest stories about her life near Hollywood. She ran into plenty of crazies out your way, so I can only guess that you're keeping the wrong company. Or make that the RIGHT company.

Sadly, I think that my memoirs would probably only interest Basketbawful readers and maybe my grandma. The funny thing is, I did start a book that arced from HS graduation and was meant to run through college. It was inspired by Unfinished Business. That's part of the reason I remember so much of these events.

NarSARSist -- I would provide the autographs for free, but I might need you to pay for the book, unless I got a really nice signing bonus.

AnacondaHL -- Congratulations on the best use of Michael Jackson lyrics since his untimely demise. Finally, a MJ reference that wasn't fake and forced. (Mostly.)

Cortez -- You know, to tell the truth, I'm not even sure what good 100 percent good parenting is...'cause I'm not sure I've ever seen it. But I also know that kids with the same parenting can become polar opposites. My sister and I could not be any different, which makes me think there are more forces at work in our development than just parenting.

"Yes WAY! On top of that, I grew up in the "inner-city" of Chicago in one of the most gang-infested neighborhoods on the south side going to every court with those very shorts!"

I'm still looking forward to playing some pickup ball with you. I'll do my best to find a court that can accommodate us AND your gigantic balls.

AK Dave -- How did Jennifer not know? I double-dose of youth and inexperience...and the Wizard's First Rule: "People will believe any lie, either because they want it to be true or they're afraid it is."

Anonymous/Mat -- Sorry dude. But you had to know the truth would come out eventually.

Baguete -- Welcome back. Kick off your shoes and stay awhile!

Blogger Basketbawful said...
AK Dave -- I am indeed the guy above the guy in the blue condom-hat.

Blogger chris said...
Bawful: Re: your fifth If only BadDave were a storytelling maven like you were, so he could describe the Mrs. Robinson/sequel saga the way you are describing Mr. Livin' Large.

I just hope that you didn't find yourself a Taco Bell Jennifer as well to make the allegory complete...

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Bawful: I live my life by his words of wisdom. And a quarter mile at a time.

AK Dave: Who the fuck still uses a pay-phone!
(repeat) We're not Detroit!

WotD: Taco Bell Jennifer

Definition: =(

Word Usage: The usage of this term has nothing to do with any sexual connotation of "tacos", but rather a humbling, melancholic existence of a female post-emotional abuse, particularily from romance with a basketball player.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Mr. Bawful - First, I'm staggered to learn you have a sister. There's a Ms. Bawful out there somewhere and she has yet to get any mentions here? I feel like Obi Wan when Luke is leaving Degobah for Bespin. Yes, I'm a loser.

Second, I think you're wrong that only the people who read this blog and your grandma would be interested in a book about what happened to you during those five (?) years. IMO this whole series I think would be interesting really to just about anyone, for two reasons: you're a very good writer and you've apparently got an incredible memory for details. The reason I think such a book should start with your HS graduation is so you can give some backstory on who you basically were at the end of your childhood (which would include your views on relationships and sex, not to mention your obsession with basketball). It really sounds like you went on quite a journey in college and I think that a personal story of someone transitioning from childhood to adulthood has fairly universal appeal. For many people just telling this story about themselves would probably be very mundane or disinteresting, but like I said, you're a good writer and have a great memory for all the particulars that can really bring a good tale to life. In all sincerity you should consider turning this into a book, and just make this first year (semester?) with Mat a part of it. Don't sell yourself short, I really don't think you'd have a hard time at all selling a book about this.

When I finish Chad Kultgan's books, I'll definitely tell you what I think so we can discuss them further :)

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Bawful - Big signing bonus? Rats. Did you want a no-trade clause and a player option for the last two years too?

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: Dr. J's relationship with that one journalist (that produced that tennis-playing daughter), the classic case of a Taco Bell Jennifer situation going way, way too far?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
AnacondaHL - If it wasn't for how tragically things ended with Jennifer, I'd almost bet that phrase would end up in one of bawful's Worst of Kobe Featuring the Son of Walton. Or maybe into one of those NBA fanfics...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
As I am not a story telling maven, you will not hear about Mrs. Robinson from me.

Bawful is telling an awesome story here; but remember this is a summer project and he won't disclose everything about his life. And I won't without his permission (which I tacitly already know what is and isn't okay). However, I'll throw a teaser out, where Bawful gets confused between a girl that's a friend...or one that's a woman.

Blogger Nick Flynt said...
Cue Bill Walton voice:

...And so my long, strange journey into adulthood began...and that was when he tried to get her to...then it turned out she was a thing I knew we were in the brothel...BadDave lying there naked in water 3 inches high...the police told us to leave would not believe where the peanut butter her dad slapped my ass...that was how the pickup game ended in tragedy...the Larry Bird Shorts were never seen again.

And that's college, folks. There's your whole book.

I actually just realized that the story was kind of on one train of thought. Oh well.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Things like Samantha Stevenson and Colorado Kobe girl don't count. That's just normal crazy (some would use the generic "slut", but I choose to use that word particularily). There has to be a level of crushing innocence, deception, and tragedy, simply bearing an illigitemate child doesn't count on it's own.

Blogger Nick Flynt said...
Guess who randomly found a quote from Bad Dizzle his sizzle? (BadDave himself)

Me. That's who found it.

Notice this:

Quotastic Extra: Basketbawful correspondant Dave "Badass" Larson had this to say about Parker's heroic battle with San Antonio's finest:

"Tony has the privilege to give cops shit. He's dating Eva Longoria, whom I would BREAK. Damn French pansy -- go get a hairy Eurotrash girl and quit stealing the hot immigrants that I, as a middle class white guy, crave."

Well said, Dave.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Also, if this happened to me today, I probably would have heartlessly laughed unintentionally in her face, because of Wedding Crashers:

"I got a stage five clinger. Stage five. Virgin. Clinger."

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: Okay. What about Karl Malone?


Blogger Wild Yams said...
AnacondaHL - Kudos for that The Fast and The Furious reference. I had to watch that with a bunch of friends/co-workers for work years ago and as a result we frequently joke about living our lives a quarter mile at a time.

Speaking of that movie, I've always loved this pic.

Blogger JMizz said...
Bawful - Mat is a lot like Brett from The Lie. Almost unbelievable in their ability to abuse women.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
If you like the quote, I hope you like my profile pic. Crafted by bawful himself.

Blogger Nick Flynt said...
Yeah, I discovered that when I saw it in the post, which came from about three years ago. What random luck. Good work, Badizzle Lizzle.

Don't ask why, just accept what has been said

Blogger AK Dave said...
Yams- "I'm in your face." raddest photoshop I've seen in a while. NICE!

AHL- "Fun times in Cleveland agaiiiinnn, STILL CLEVE-LAAAANND!!" hell yeah :D

Taco Bell Jennifer has to be, like AnacondaHL said, a sweet, innocent, caring woman who would never engage in skulduggery or nefarious shenanigans such as the "I'm pregnant" crap which Dirk's succubus or Kobe's HO-tel chick displays. It has to be a naive relationship-n00b who hasn't figured out how to protect herself yet and so falls for one of the classic blunders: (NEVER FORGET THIS!!!) never believe the college ball player when he tells you you're "the most beautiful woman I've ever seen" as he raw-dogs you in his dorm room for 200 seconds with his roommate less than 12 feet away, then offers you up as sloppy seconds and rolls over and goes to sleep in hopes that you won't be there when he wakes up.


This girl is sounding more sad and pathetic as the comments section goes on >_<

Blogger Jesse said...
Hey man,

Been reading your stuff for quite some time, but haven't posted in quite some time (You may remember me as the dude who met Shaq via twitter).

At any rate, I'm digging the personal insight story and the girl troubles(to some extent). Keep it up.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
chris -- Re: My fifth year. Here's a fun little game. Match the girl from my fifth year in college to her particular dysfunction. BadDave, don't help them.

A) Stephanie
B) Marni
C) Amy
D) Carrie
E) Tanya
F) Alice
G) Katie

A) Repeatedly took her shirt off in my presence as a "seduction technique." When this did not work, she threw a fit in front of several of my friends at a local bar, yelling, "I was going to sleep with you!"
B) Unhappily married to a huge member of the men's football team, yet repeatedly showed up at my room late at night and attempted to seduce me with her sob story, gigantic fake breasts, and tales of her experiences as a teenage prostitute.
C) Alcoholic with an insane, alcoholic secret boyfriend who threatened to shoot me in the head.
D) Body of a model, mind of someone who just drank a gallon of mercury, she tried to seduce me by claiming she was dying of cervical cancer. When I didn't sleep with her she told her R.A. that I "almost raped" her. (Exact quote: "He was tearing at my close, and he said he wanted to ravage me like an animal!")
E) Breathed too heavy while we were watching the Goonies, which was kind of creepy.
F) Went out with me and a group of my friends on my birthday, proceeded to get amazingly drunk, climbed onto me on the dance floor and refused to get down for over an hour, chose the moment we all got back to my place as the best time to remember that her father and brother repeatedly molested her while she was growing up, then cried for two straight hours.
G) Expressed her bitterness toward me by refusing to cover for me on the night that BadDave got us Pacers-Knicks playoff tickets, forcing me to miss the game even though she had no plans. She spent the evening wandering the dorm looking for me, to make sure I didn't sneak off to the game.

Ah...good times.

BadDave -- Ah, Cindy the friend, Cindy the woman. Another classic.

Wild Yams -- Thanks for the kind words and compliments. I sincerely promise to try and get my book plans in gear. Really. (Yikes...)

Buck Nasty -- Now THAT got me to laugh. Thanks!

AnacondaHL -- "It might as well be a target."

Jason -- Ah, a reader of The Lie. Yes, Brett and Mat both humiliated least Brett was kind of innovative in how he did it.

Blogger BJ said...

Please tell me there's a righteous reality check somewhere in this asshat's future. Stuffed shot lodging in his throat, Heineken sign falling and breaking his skull, one of his lays putting a mousetrap to the naughty bits . . . something to affirm my belief in justice.

Blogger chris said...
Bawful: And THAT is why we desperately need "Fifth Year, by Matholomew McHale" as your second novel, after the expanded Livin' Large.

Followed by "Tales of the Pickup Basketball Crypt."

Blogger chris said...
BTW, as for Neurosis #G...uh...she knew that you were a basketball fan, RIGHT?

Anonymous Barry said...
There's drama, heart-break, misogyny, pictures, naive women, a big bad guy with an Andre the Giant/Jamaican combo accent, a narrator with the specific memory of an elephant and an NBA All-Star.

There's a movie in there, and Vin Diesel will be in it.

I like to apologize to all the women out there on behalf of us Dutch men; and yes Heineken is kind of crap so apologies for that too!

Anonymous Marc said...
When I hear Billie Jean, I hear Chris Cornell and not Michael Jackson.

Is that wrong? Am I a bad person?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
BJ -- Something really, really bad does befall Mat later in the story. Doesn't change him, but it hurts him.

chris -- She most certainly knew I was a basketball fan, and she also knew that the tickets were my graduation gift from my best friend. Total bitch. I still haven't forgiven her.

Marc -- Is that wrong? Yes. Are you a bad person? I need for information.

Random aside to everyone: If you get the chance, go to Tilted Kilt. If there isn't one in your town, feel free to come to mine.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Yams and AK: It's animated too.

Bawful: Can you set me up with B) and F)? Just the way I like it, like shooting lonely, angsty fish in a barrel. Fifth Year NEEDS to be the epilogue to Livin' Large.

Blogger eileen said...

I found something amazing on the interweb that relates to current occupation of the antagonist of these tales. Your email isn't listed on the profile so I sent it to Bad Dave in case you guys haven't seen it yet. Feel free to delete this comment if you don't want to unleash a flurry of Google stalkers.

ps computer froze- sorry if this is a double!

Blogger Basketbawful said...
AnacondaHL -- I'll see what I can do...

eileen --

Blogger Trev said...
"Match the girl from my fifth year in college to her particular dysfunction"

Poor girl "E". Her only crime is having asthma and she's lumped in with former prostitutes, cheating married women, alcoholics and psycho's!

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Trev -- I swear, I threw her in just as a joke. She was actually a sweet and wondeful girl. Actually, she was a perfect match on paper: attractive, loved basketball, played basketball (and I mean, she played it well), enjoyed running, eating soup, talking, not talking...we could have talked or not talked for hours.

Sadly, there simply wasn't any chemistry. Sometimes it be that way.

Blogger chris said...
I wonder why G) decided to pull the ultimate block on you...had you offended her in some way? Was she a Laker fan?

(Cliffhangers for Fifth Year!)

Blogger chris said...
Bawful: No chemistry? What is this, Not-Answer in Oakland County?

Anonymous Shrugz said...
Those pictures make you look like a 80s computer programmer

Blogger AK Dave said...
AHL- is it wrong that I sat here and watched that "I'm in your FACE" clip repeat itself about 20 times, laughing harder each time? Because if that's wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Blogger AK Dave said...
And dude, dude, dude... if a girl takes off her shirt, how exactly is that NOT a seduction technique? I totally fell for that one at least a couple times. Hell, I still do. In fact, I'd say it has about a 100% success rate.

Blogger medrawt said...
I was also going to express surprise that, given the impressive lineup you presented just now, you didn't propose to Girl E when the credits started rolling, heavy breathing or no.

Also, yeah, from you incredibly obvious hint I guess I've figured out who Future NFL Player is, but as a casual NFL fan with a tertiary rooting interest in the piratical team [my dad lives there now], I was way more excited for it to be the guy I was thinking of than the guy I never heard of. Certainly not as interesting a future athlete as the NBA All Star whose appearance I await w/bated breath.

Blogger chris said...
You know, I understand why you felt bad for Taco Bell Jennifer, but by telling her the truth (which led to the big blowup), she may have seen the light.

Maybe not.

But seriously, if that's one person who would be able to learn from such a huge mistake...then it's not so bad after all is it?

Wow. Me not making a snarky post here at Bawful. That might be a first!

Anonymous Aaron said...
i enjoy the series but are the worsties from the season gonna come back soon too?

Anonymous JoeH said...
I am in awe by the sheer awesomeness of this tale.

Can't say I've ever read one of them, but seeing as how popular memoirs are these days and how crappy many of them seem to be just from the blurbs I've read, I'd like to think you could get a book deal.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Medrawt - Dude. I met that player. He seemed bigger than Mat in this story. His neck was as wide as his shoulders. I watched him play as the lone bright spot through YEARS of 4-win seasons, and he was just a monster. I also met a certain QB from this same school. That mole is much larger in person, and he was kinda douchey at first but grew up before his senior year.

AK - Bawful at this time had some wires crossed. His defense mechanisms were all fighting with his newly empowered hormones and it was just madness. Some of his choices in year 5 reflect that.

Bawful - "close". Ugh. I get some typos - you write a lot and all, but "close" in place of "clothes" is probably an all time low.

AK Dave - as similar as we are, I feel confident in saying that you pretty much never want to be right. It's much more fun to be wrong. You're in MY FACE!!!! AAHHHHHH!

Blogger Basketbawful said...
BadDave -- Yeah, that's a bad one, and I'd edit it if I could, but blogger doesn't allow that.

But, bad as it is, I'll say this in my defense. Try it. No, really. Anybody who grumps about my occasional typos, try pounding out a couple thousand word posts every day, and then add a few hundred to a thousand extra words in comments while you're working on other things, transitioning between sports blogging and tech Clark Kent job at which I probably pound out 5K to 10K words per day. Seriously. Try it and see if you can keep your shit straight.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Aaron -- Ack. I promise to try and get back to the Worsties.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

that you now?

Blogger Silly Bitch said...
brilliant! this is the most welcomed distraction from my day since... um, since ever. THANK YOU.

and, re:
\Anybody who grumps about my occasional typos, try pounding out a couple thousand word posts every day, and then add a few hundred to a thousand extra words in comments while you're working on other things

do you need an "proofreader"? nevermind my poor use of capital letters and abuse of the ellipses in the comments here, i happen to be in the editing business and i read this everyday anyway... just a thought.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
These stories took a real sad turn. Before, it was just good natured fun with the awkward situations Bawful got thrown into. But this one - well, a human being got absolutely crushed. It wasn't funny to me, just really sad.

I hope your other mis-adventures aren't as painful as this episode.

Blogger Unknown said...

So bad, so hillarious :X

Anonymous dunkside said...

fuck being a better roommate for mat, from what you're saying you seemed to be a pretty good roommate and the guy seemed like a big jerk anyway.

i'm talking about you being able to enjoy things more.

i'm not a party animal myself (in fact, quite the opposite), but i also never had the opportunities that you seem to have had. i'm talking about the fact that mat seemed to have been 6ft deep in pussy, so i'm pretty sure you could have gotten some pretty easily (like that time that he basically offered it to you on a silver plate and you ran away).

in fact that phone message that you told about looks like it's from your average porn movie, not from a real live situation.

i have never EVER seen or even heard of something like that and though i imagined this happens, i figured it happens to very rich famous (and maybe good looking) men, not to some college guy who's not the son of bill gates.

on the other hand at the time and place i went to college the circumstances were completely different so even if there were some slutty girls (i'm pretty sure there were) there was nothing anywhere close to this.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
With a little help from Google I found that "Mat" actually coached a girls college basketball team back in the Netherlands a few years ago.
I mean, damn......poor girls.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Anonymous -- Yes, that's me. Only I shaved the goatee. Oh, and those horns aren't real.

Silly Bitch -- Hm. Perhaps we need to talk.

Anonymous #2 -- Not every installment will be as sad as this one. As with every great tale, this one has ups and downs.

DXJ -- I'm sorry if I wasn't clear about this. With Jennifer's tale, I "skipped ahead" and told the whole story. Now I'm going back in time to tell the rest of my/Mat's story going forward with the understanding that all this stuff was happening with Jennifer in the background.

Adam -- Hm. Interesting video...

dunkside -- If it makes you feel any better, I did take advantage of some of my own bizarre and porn-like situations after this story concluded. However, as BadDave will no doubt point out, I let some of them pass by too.

Anonymous #3 -- He coached a girl's team?! Dear lord.

Blogger montague the third said...
Dude, finally found him... Um, HUGE is an understatment. I don't know if I could have slept in the same room as that dude initially. It would have taken me at least 2 weeks to get comfortable enough to sleep in the same room as this monster. Once I stumbled across the name, I realized, someone has already made mention of his name in a comments section somewhere, I didnt understand what the hell they were saying, because it was like no name I have ever seen before. Yes, I live in a bubble here in DC... So, ready whenever you are.

Blogger Nick Flynt said...
Whoa whoa whoa, everyone else is jumping in on my typo correcting. I was there first.

No one forget that I was the original stickler for detail.

~ Lest we forget

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Why is swallowing such a big deal?

Blogger chris said...
Bawful/Anon #3 - Why does that sound like the setup of an awful Spike or VH1 reality TV show!??!?! :O

CAPTCHA: "foleny," as in "Karl Malone has committed one of these."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Negative BN. I have been correcting him since the dawn of time. However, I usually do it via e-mail. I purposely did it in a comment to set him off.

It worked.

Blogger Nick Flynt said...
I bow to your experience, Bad Dave

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Love the story, can't wait to see where you're going with it, but I was a little underwhelmed with the draft coverage. Love the site, read it everyday, just greedy for more of the funny.

Blogger Trev said...
"I also met a certain QB from this same school and he was kinda douchey at first but grew up before his senior year.

HEY! You leave my savior out of this!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Don't get me wrong. He's the man, and I love him. He totally carried my fantasy team this past year.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
This will in all probability sound stupid, but I'm new to the blog and don't really know much about Bawful. Kokomo is his hometown and his university was only an hour or so away. My guess is University of Kentucky is his school. Not sure how old he is either, so could have been Jordan draft times, he was in school. Sam Bowie?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I refereed your flag football games and played basketball at the same gym many, many times. You were a freshman when I was a junior at this fine institution. Very nice stories - keep them coming bro.