Now that he's back for the playoffs, I get to remind you that Shaq is a never-ending source of amusement
(Via Andy Gray's SI Vault)
Okay, you all should be familiar with most of the storylines heading into the playoffs. We gave you a full first round preview yesterday. And of course, these will be the opening games, so we won't really have anything new to report on that front. So in lieu of giving previews for this weekend's games, I'll just post the schedules for your reference at the bottom of this entry. But first, let's go over some of the news items you may have missed:

The salary cap is going to stay higher than we expected
Okay, yes, the cap IS being cut after this season, but it's only being trimmed a little. You know what this means, right? Yep. More mediocre players will receive undeservedly large contracts. Oh how I love you, incompetent NBA teams. Oh, and the Heat will probably get to hold on to D-Wade now. That's kind of big news.

The Nyets like to party hard
Shocking! Scandalous! The Nyets players like to "down tequila shots with a bevy of hot blondes in the early hours" the night before a game! Of course, when you've only got a dozen wins the entire season and have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs since two days after opening night, does it really freaking matter? It actually makes perfect sense to me. Wouldn't they want to get drunk to forget about the fact that they play for a dreadfully bawful team and have to live and play in New Jersey? Okay, maybe they're not even technically in Jersey a lot of the time, but close enough. (Speaking of New Jersey, read this article.)

Besides, they're just following the life lessons of Andrew WK. How can you argue against that? Party hard, my friends.




Shaq has gone off the deep end
Behold:


All this video needs is some Vaseline and we're approaching Starbury territory. (Thanks Basketbawful reader Preveen for the link)

Injuries suck.
Lurch AK47 tweaked his calf yesterday and will be out for three weeks. Ouch. Meanwhile, Brandon Roy is not immune to the Frail Blazers curse. Poor Portland. They lose half of their team to injuries throughout the season, but still manage to make the playoffs... only to lose one of their best players to knee surgery. It just seems so appropriate, but it's still sad. At least he can go hang out with Greg Oden and Joel Przybilla while he heals.

Kim Hughes fired
After an 8-25 performance as interim head coach of the LA Clippers, Kim Hughes has been kicked to the curb. No replacement has been named.

In all fairness, it's perhaps unrealistic to expect any coach to magically improve the Clippers. They are, after all, who we thought they were. No coach could have take B-Dizzle, Chris Kaveman, Blake Griffin's Destroyed Knees, and Steve Novak out of the Western Conference basement this season. However, is it that hard to make yourself look good after replacing Mike Dumbleavy?

If you are Kim Hughes, apparently that answer is "yes, it IS hard!"

After seeing the following quote, it makes a little more sense: "I was surprised,'' Hughes said in a telephone interview Thursday afternoon with ESPNLosAngeles.com. "It's not that I have my head in the sand. It's just that I'd hoped, maybe wished, I'd get the summer to come up with a game plan and come back for training camp." Ah, foolish blind faith, you never let us down!

And besides, aren't the Clippers doing Kim Hughes a favor by letting him leave their organization so soon?

Eddie Jordan fired
In a move that should surprise absolutely nobody (other than Kim Hughes, perhaps) Eddie Jordan has been canned by the Philadelphia Seventy Suxorz. As a result, next year will see the eighth coach in ten seasons. With that kind of track record, we pretty much knew that the Sixers would let Eddie Jordan go like Sully in Commando.


Be sure you check out the link to the ESPN story on the Eddie Jordan firing. It has a great sidebar detailing Eddie Jordan's sub-43-percent coaching record, showing his wins and losses each season. However, again in the interest of fairness, the teams he coached before his latest gig were the Purple Paupers and Bullets. Ouch.

Lionel Hollins gets to keep his job
The Grizzlies finished under .500 at 40-42 and missed the playoffs, but that was a 16-win improvement over last season. They were even in playoff contention until they folded like a lawn chair late in the season. Considering how woeful the team was prior to Z-Bo's resurgence (which was probably just an abberation), I suppose this is more than enough to avoid having to start walking around in the NBA's never-ending game of coaching musical chairs.

LeBron runs his mouth, Shaq continues to be ridiculous
Once again, a story that is mostly about LeBron proclaiming something. (Basically he says Joakim Noah is good, but he's going to get crushed in the playoffs. While most likely true, this is still a classic overly-cocky LeBron quote) However, the one thing that makes this article worth reading? This fantastic description by Shaq:

O'Neal said he will not be limited by his injury and that his thumb will be protected by a "fake thingy, jammy, thingy."

So eloquent.

Bosh gets the hell out of basketball purgatory Toronto
Again, in a move that should surprise absolutely nobody, Chris Bosh and his broken face are leaving town. Bosh says he doesn't know where he will go. He also noted: "It's kind of a confusing feeling. It's disappointing. It takes a lot of energy out of you. I just don't know what to do." Jeez. With the way he's talking, you'd think he sheepishly sent Bryan Colangelo a text message like a 15 year old breaking up with his girlfriend to let him know he was gone.

Knee-Mac doesn't want to admit he's washed up
Remember all those columnists and talking heads that practically fellated Tracy McGrady after his vintage 26 point performance comeback game earlier this season? Kinda funny how they all just ignored Knee-Mac by the end of the season as he finished the season averaging just 8.2 points per game. Look, it's hard for a baller to accept that his body just can't perform like it once did. (Do you really want to look at yourself in the mirror and realize you're softer than a marshmallow resting on a pillow?) But Knee-Mac is very obviously at that point. You can only keep rubber band ligaments and papier-mâché bones going for so long. And it sounds like he might be close to understanding that. He claims that if he can't get into shape and regain his form by the end of summer, he'll retire. For some reason, I just don't see him following through with that promise. Or he'll just really lower the bar for what he considers having good basketball skills and a healthy body.

Phil Jackson runs his mouth, the NBA protects its scoring leader, the sun rises in the East, water is wet
After giving the NBA refs and Kevin Durant a piece of his mind, The Zen Master is getting slapped with another fine. His wallet will be $35,000 lighter after complaining about Kevin Durant getting superstar calls. Of course, he doesn't have anything to say about Kobe setting up a cot, mini-fridge, and TV at the free throw line in the '02 Western Conference Finals when the refs allowed him to temporarily live there.

Saturday Games: (All times Eastern)
Bulls at Crabs - ABC, 3:00pm
Bucks at Hawks - ESPN, 5:30pm
Heat at Celtics - ESPN, 8:00pm
Jazz at Nuggets - ESPN, 10:30pm

Sunday Games:
Thunder at Lakers - ABC, 3:00pm
Bobcats at Magic - TNT, 5:30pm
Spurs at Mavericks - TNT, 8:00pm
Frail Blazers at Suns - TNT, 10:30pm

Labels: Bawful After Dark, NBA playoffs, Shaq, unnecessary Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes

The Big WTF via Andy Gray's SI Vault
I hate to start off BAD with, ahem, bad news, but this is decidedly not AWESOME, BABY!!! Dick Vitale is going to call another NBA game. (h/t JE Skeets)

ESPN college basketball analyst Dick Vitale will call the January 20 Jazz/Spurs game for ESPN, alongside play-by-play voice Dan Shulman. This will be the second NBA game Vitale has called for ESPN since the network regained rights to the league in '02.

Why can't they actually do something people want? Get the announcer from NBA Jam, for example. It'd be a perfect tie-in for when they bring out the new NBA Jam game. (Thanks to AnacondaHL for sharing that news -- he's on fire! Boomshakala!)

In other news, Scottie Pippen got his ass whupped by some midgets. And issued a press release about it.

Wait, what?



Skeets posted the rundown and the UNBELIEVABLE press release on Ball Don't Lie today. Go check it out. Now. (Also, Gary Coleman is in the movie, and there's inadvertente nude footage of him. There isn't enough eye bleach in the world...)

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

David Lee got confused by all the snow throughout the USAand thought he could do a snow angel on the hardwood

INVISBLE BREASTS


Alright, enough of that man-woman love crap. Back to regular ol' NBA man love

Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Celtics at Hawks: Rondo and Pierce are expected to play. The Hawks tend to match up well with the Celtics. AND it's on ESPN so I can see it. I am absolutely excited for this game.

Crabs at Nuggets: Holy crap, the Nuggets have a lot of people listed day-to-day: Lawson, Andersen, Billups, Carmelo, and Nene. Did they steal the Frail Blazers' training staff?

All The Other Friday Games:
Raptors at 76ers: Holy crap, the Raptors are at .500 now. Who knew? Another fun fact: only four players are left from the Raptors' roster as of the last game of '08-'09. I wonder if those two are somehow connected...

Magic at Wizards Generals Bullets: The Magic are trying to avoid their worst losing streak in three years. The good news for them? The Bullets were awful even with Agent Zero, and they're absolutely bawful without him.

Nyets at Hornets: The Nyets are 1-17 on the road. Get ready to make that 1-18.

Pacers at Timberpoops: As far as I can tell, this game isn't televised anywhere. And for that, we applaud you, NBA and television programmers.

Jazz Jekyll & Hydes at Grizzlies: Utah has won 11 straight against the Grizzlies. They own the Grizzlies more than any other team in the NBA. And yet I have no freaking clue which Utah team will show up for this game.

Bulls at Bucks: Chicago had been on a hot streak, but now they've dropped two straight, and they've only won once in their last 10 road games. Is VDN still feeling the heat?

Mavericks at Spurs: Per the Stats LLC preview, "Dallas is concerned about how it will defend Duncan, particularly if center Erick Dampier misses a third straight game with a knee injury." Ruh roh. Mark up the Spurs win right now.

Heat at Suns: In one game, we have Heat AND Suns (not just one sun, multiple suns!). All in one arena. Holy crap, I hope their air conditioning works pretty well. It's going to be super duper hot in that building!

Lakers at Frail Blazers: The Lakers have lost the last eight times they played in Portland. That is impressive. Keep it up, Blazers!

Kings Paupers at Warriors: Poor Sacramento. They've dropped six of seven after being one of the early season surprises. So, uh, how's Kevin Martin feeling?


All The Saturday Games:
Hawks at Magic: I don't care if the Magic are slumping. It's still not very fun for the Hawks to play the Celtics AND the Magic back to back.

Grizzlies at Bobcats: It's the battle of the southern market expansion teams! (Faaaaaaaantastic!)

76ers at Pistons: Eek. Ooph. Insert other onomatopoeia here.

Timberpoops at Bulls: Well, nice of the schedule makers to give the Bulls a free win in a super-sloppy game full of tired players.

Pacers at Thunder: Attempting to give a damn... nah, just not happening unless Durant goes off for 50 points. (Likelyhood: higher than you'd think)

Jekyll & Hydes at Mavericks: If you can predict the outcome of this game, you are a better man than me.

Knicks at Rockets: Give me good reason to preview this game. Go ahead. (waiting) That's what I thought. Moving on...

Nuggets at Paupers: Yeah, things just aren't looking good for Sactown right now.


Natonally Televised Sunday Games:
Crabs at Frail Blazers: A rarely seen Sunday night ESPN game! And a legitimately good game at that! Solid week for ESPN broadcasts.

All The Other Sunday Games:
Hornets at Bullets: You know, I'm surprised that Agent Zero didn't quote the "Don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired" line from Commando on the plane at some point while he was running his mouth.

Celtics at Raptors: I know the Celtics went through a rough patch and lost to some bad teams recently, but they don't lose to the Raptors here, do they?

Heat at Clippers: I'm just going to say it. The Heat aren't all that great. But the Clippers are who we thought they were. So this game could go either way, but honestly, shouldn't the Heat win?

Nyets at Spurs: We all know how good the Spurs are at beating up on bad teams. And good God is this a bad team.

Bucks at Lakers: What a nice, boring, bland way to cap off the night and help you go to sleep.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Boomshakalaka, Dick Vitale is an evil human being, Scottie Pippen, unnecessary Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes